So miserable full time step parenting

[SweepingFrog]

For reasons I won't go into my DSC are unable to see their mum at the moment. They are 10 & 12. We do not know how long this will be for (possibly indefinitely) and it's been around 3 months so far. They were previously with us 2 nights a week before this. Me and DH also share a 2yo.

I just need a selfish rant. I know this situation is not about me nor is it worst for me. But I am so miserable. I get no time to myself anymore, due to the situation DH is, understandably, overcompensating with DSC so EVERYTHING is about them at the moment.

I've been expected to slot into a role I never wanted, school runs, football club drop offs and pick ups, even having my email given over to receive school updates. I feel like my whole life revolves around DSC at the moment. Making sure they are ok, making sure they are distracted, making sure their routine stays as normal as possible... I can't do anything. Everything is about them. I can't go out on a weekend with friends and our toddlers anymore for a coffee because DH thinks it's more important we do family things because of what DSC are going through. I can barely do my own hobby one night a week that I look forward to so much because DSC need taking to football and I'm the only one free and DH thinks their routine should carry on, we had a holiday planned just us for a few months time and God knows whether it will happen now because DSC don't like staying at grandparents and DH doesn't want to make them do anything they don't want to do right now.

I KNOW he is just trying to be a good dad. I know I'm being selfish. But I am so so miserable at the moment. I can't stand it. I am resentful of every dirty sock I have to pick up off the floor, every school email, every time I can't get on with my own life because I'm expected to step in without complaint whenever needed / asked. All DH wants to talk about is the situation with DSC and their mum. I am so over discussing it. All whilst trying to deal with our own young child too.

DH does a lot when he can but he works longer hours than me so a lot is left to me. I just feel like crying every day at the moment. I used to think I'd just get on with it if DSC ever had to live with us but in reality I hate every second. I hate the expectations on me. I don't want to play mum to 2 other children full time. And of course I cannot talk to DH about this as it makes me sound hideous. So here I am... My whole life has changed but I feel as though I'm expected to feel nothing and say nothing about it.

Very often!!!

That's not how it works
She didn't birth them
Therefore not her responsibility

Well then maybe she shouldn't have married a man with a ready made family.

I don’t think you’re being selfish you never asked for this and it does sound a lot. If you can’t carve out time
for yourself think about leaving you will prob be much happier

So how does that work - they are living in her house? Does she leave or just ignore them for the next few months?

It is how it works imo so we'll just have to agree to disagree.

Maybe her DH should not of had 3 kids that he clearly can't care for

Her DH is pushing all the grunt work on to her
That's not right
They are his responsibility,not hers

good for you…

Well
I hope frogs DH ,makes some changes
Or he might find himself a single dad to 3 kids
Then he would be up shit creek if frog left ,and he was sole parenting the two older ones .
I certainly would not put up with this situation,and it doesn't look like frog will either

Frog have a chat with your husband. Get him to do more of his children’s admin and also a plan for him to pick up some of the ferrying children to hobbies etc. its also perfectly normal to want to do things separately and not fair he continually pushes you to do stuff all together on the kids or you. With those age differences you’d often find parents of biological children might split off to do age appropriate activities and just generally give 1:1 time to kids - it’s important. It’s also important for you to do your own hobby and be allowed to have some down time. Forcing it all on you will build resentment naturally. This won’t be good for you, the kids or relationship in long run.
Have a think of how you want him to step up and tell him calmly and stick to it. Hopefully he will just agree if he’s a decent man but if he gets angry don’t be backing down as it really isn’t fair! Have a think if there is any activity you might do with one of his children or both so sometimes it’s you building the bond and getting break from toddler too. But don’t be doing it all! This isn’t 1950!

If DH won’t go away with you then take a friend instead. Solo time with all his DC would be good for him.

He needs to do an awful lot more evenings and weekends, that’s the reality with a big age gap, one does taxi duties whilst the other is doing bed times.

I hope any hobbies he has have taken a back seat so he steps up to parent them.

Yeah and this whole post is why blended families rarely work and struggle so badly.

In a nuclear family all issues are for the couple to solve to balance the life they have built together. Interests, kids, money, family. All from the same pool of responsibility and expectations and resources.

In a blended family, adults get together. Decide to have more kids and when the shit hits the fan its, that's on you, that's your problem. Thats not my responsibility.

Some people might view it like that. Doesnt change the fact all of those responsibilities still exist and need to be dealt with. People can only carve themselves up so much.

Ok so he takes parental leave or careers leave. Who's paying the mortgage? And keeping a roof over their heads.

Its all well and good saying men this and men that, dont want a man to have to be tied by a job that gives you less financial disparity. Don't work part time.

Not all jobs are equal. He works for the NHS. The fact is he may just not have that level of flexibility available. Pay for additional xyz,great then that means less money available for the OP that he balances up monthly.

Your either a team working together for the greater good of the whole family unit meaning contribution across all areas including looking after yourself or you arent. If the OP doesn't want the type of family structure, she has choices.

Like being a single mother.

I think the SDC absolutely need to spend time with their grandparents. Would they come to your house and do child care?

Take a step back: you shouldn't be doing all this and it's even more important that their parent steps up and does it. No, their life can't continue exactly as normal if their parents can't commit to taking them. Take a firm line that this hobby is needed for your mental health and put it back on their father. If he can't make it work, they can't go.

Your DH already knows you're not happy Op, that's why he keeps dropping in the remarks about how great it is having the DC full time, he knows your silence is a no from you.
Just tell him you need some time for you and his DC need time with him so in future you'll be out weekends at times. Your DSC need to get into a normal life again, if he lets them off and babies them it will become the norm, that's not healthy for any of you

They are not her responsibility

Wow, how come you haven't asked OP why she's been happy to work part time and has stayed home more (thanks to her DH), whilst her DH has been hard at work being the main breadwinner?
She's been able to spend quality time with their joint child, but he hasn't. How is that fair in your book?

After all, they both have equal responsibility to their child don't they? Or, was it ok for DH to work all the time then because it benefitted OP financially?

Now the OP finds herself having to do more tasks, because her DH isn't available to, then life has suddenly become unfair on her. Didn't she know that her DH came as a package, and that potentially she would be asked to share her home with his children?
Of course she knew, but didn't obviously expect it to happen. That's life I'm afraid.

Either she goes back to work full time and allow her DH to look after all the kids, or she leaves him if she's not prepared to do her bit. Simple as that.

He could well decide to make some changes and find a partner who accepts his children as much as him.

OP you are doing the right thing by DSC and that's likely to have a lifelong positive impact on them, but anyone taking on what you have would need plenty of support and then an agreed plan (rather than the plan being to leave everything to you). It's been a crisis that you've more than stepped up to, but crisis responses aren't sustainable long-term and DH needs to understand that now.

They need to spend time with the grandparents imo (whose parents are they?) and that would immediately be a huge help. I feel sorry for the grandparents who seem to want to see them.

Would also advise that you do spend some weekend time with toddler parents and friends, if you're in the UK this is the time of year to be having days out at parks, the 10 and 12 year old might actually enjoy that too and younger children, including your 2 year old I assume, generally love older children in my experience and could add to the fun of the day.

Re the uniform buying, I would just ask for his CC without apology and buy it online along with anything else they need.

I do feel every sympathy for you and absolutely understand you need a break, however I also feel that the priority here is to ensure those two children feel completely welcome in their father's house.

So at the weekend (or whenever you are off) would you and your DH divide the childcare between you?

I bet you generally do, because you are very capable, want to spend quality time with your kids and for your DH to get a complete break from his own work & childcare too.

The Op is not saying she doesn't want to do any of the caring. She is saying that she needs a break. And that is totally fair enough and necessary for any parent - whether they work full-time or part-time or not at all, regardless of what they earn - otherwise it is just slave labour and financial abuse with a veneer of tradition and a dollop of self-importance on top.

As an aside - from a tax efficient planning point of view etc - hope all those high earners out there are paying generously into their partner's pension, especially if their partner is sacrificing their own earning power to save the family unit childcare costs.

The nhs has excellent paid parental leave, emergency leave and 10 days paid carers leave a year…There are also lots of flexible working options in many jobs but not all.

Given divorce rates, let’s be realistic that blended families are not an exception but a norm. I know lots that work just great.

You can be a team and a good wife without being a doormat…

We've got no idea if the DH's a hard worker, senior, could flex his hours more, etc. If he's on permanent nights he's probably not a consultant I guess. We don't know if their family finances are circling the drain or if they're doing OK.

I would observe that I know a lot of NHS workers (mostly doctors) and it's awfully strange how the women all find flexibility once they have children and the men don't.

Of course it's not strange at all. It's because the women ASK. It's important to them (so they e.g. select jobs and roles and employers who'll give a bit of flexibility or particular days or whatever). They are high earners. But they don't have husbands who'll take the strain on the whole. Even the doctors married to other doctors...

I hare the pervasive assumption that women's time is of no value and men can just give it away, coupled with the cowardice of men who never even ask if they can have any flex (although to be fair the NHS is a notoriously horrible employer, but he might have a nice line manager and as pp said, the policies on paper are generous).

If the DH is a nurse or technician or whatever then once you allow for the 1.5 days of childcare she's saving for the 2 year old plus the tax advantages of working less than full time, their salaries may not be so very different. I'm guessing there's a fairly significant age gap too.

I really feel for you (and the children too of course).
I wouldn’t be happy about this either. Your DH is pretty much carrying on with his life, while he’s just assuming that you’ll happily pick up the pieces.
What would he do if you weren’t in the picture? He’d have to adapt more, or rely on the grandparents I’m guessing?!

I know he understandably feels bad for what his children are going through but the situation needs to work for everyone.
You need to put your big girl pants on and lay your cards firmly on the table. Make it crystal clear to him how you’re feeling. Communication is definitely the key here and if he doesn’t listen? Like I said, what would he do if you weren’t on the scene? Ask him that.