So miserable full time step parenting

[SweepingFrog]

For reasons I won't go into my DSC are unable to see their mum at the moment. They are 10 & 12. We do not know how long this will be for (possibly indefinitely) and it's been around 3 months so far. They were previously with us 2 nights a week before this. Me and DH also share a 2yo.

I just need a selfish rant. I know this situation is not about me nor is it worst for me. But I am so miserable. I get no time to myself anymore, due to the situation DH is, understandably, overcompensating with DSC so EVERYTHING is about them at the moment.

I've been expected to slot into a role I never wanted, school runs, football club drop offs and pick ups, even having my email given over to receive school updates. I feel like my whole life revolves around DSC at the moment. Making sure they are ok, making sure they are distracted, making sure their routine stays as normal as possible... I can't do anything. Everything is about them. I can't go out on a weekend with friends and our toddlers anymore for a coffee because DH thinks it's more important we do family things because of what DSC are going through. I can barely do my own hobby one night a week that I look forward to so much because DSC need taking to football and I'm the only one free and DH thinks their routine should carry on, we had a holiday planned just us for a few months time and God knows whether it will happen now because DSC don't like staying at grandparents and DH doesn't want to make them do anything they don't want to do right now.

I KNOW he is just trying to be a good dad. I know I'm being selfish. But I am so so miserable at the moment. I can't stand it. I am resentful of every dirty sock I have to pick up off the floor, every school email, every time I can't get on with my own life because I'm expected to step in without complaint whenever needed / asked. All DH wants to talk about is the situation with DSC and their mum. I am so over discussing it. All whilst trying to deal with our own young child too.

DH does a lot when he can but he works longer hours than me so a lot is left to me. I just feel like crying every day at the moment. I used to think I'd just get on with it if DSC ever had to live with us but in reality I hate every second. I hate the expectations on me. I don't want to play mum to 2 other children full time. And of course I cannot talk to DH about this as it makes me sound hideous. So here I am... My whole life has changed but I feel as though I'm expected to feel nothing and say nothing about it.

I think he knows that I'm not happy. He keeps making comments like "I love having DSC here all the time" and looking at me like he's waiting for me to confirm that I too love having them here

He's trying to have the conversation with you. He knows you are unhappy and wants you to talk to him. Do it!

Actually, this is how it is in my marriage, I work full time & my DH part-time. Earlier in our marriage we were the other way around. Both situations have worked great for us and my DH is fantastic both as a father and provider, we just happen to have the about the same earning power. We've both always viewed work as 'a change is as good as a rest', allowing fresh parenting when we're done & delighted to spend time with the kids, so no - I don't buy the spiel that the partner who earns the lions' share also gets to call the shots.

Plus of even greater relevance in the Op's situation - there is the opportunity for the DH to keep to exactly his same commitments, just solo ie not always as an entire family unit. I'd actually say that Dad alone time is really important for his first two children as well.

I think you have a husband issue - he is foisting parenting on to you.

‘DH thinks it's more important we do family things’ and he thinks it’s important you see the school emails - all just seems a bit of a convenient way to make sure you do everything.

Just go ahead and book to meet mates with your toddler when he’s in - what’s he going to do?

I have felt ,at times , exactly the same as you ,but about my own children.
It's normal to feel resentment,as parents we all have to give up so much of ourselves and our needs to put them first.
For you ,you have been flung into a situation you are not prepared for .
Your DH should be making sure you are supported and you are getting time for yourself
Will you want to stay in the relationship if the move becomes permanent
You don't have to stay with DH
It must be very difficult going from one to three overnight, especially as you missed all the years getting to know them.
I think most if not all women would feel exactly as you do in your shoes

Short term - book a night in a cheap travel lodge nearby and have an evening of peace and relaxation, maybe go to the cinema or have a nice dinner. Tell your husband that you are feeling burnt out and you need a short break to reset and be a good parent. Just do something to preserve your sanity!

Long term - I'd focus more on the children and less on the stuff that comes with them. Cleaning, cooking and shopping - if your husband isn't doing his fair share then you need to communicate this clearly or leave it for the weekend when he's home. When I was 10 I was doing the washing up alternating days with siblings, tidying my room, cleaning one room on the weekend etc. This is totally normal, parent them like you'd parent your bio child when they turn 10/12! Don't step on egg shells, they probably actually want/need parenting instead of the permissive stuff your partner has been doing.

I'd focus on bonding with them. How long have you known them? What's your relationship like? Do they love/trust you?

Where are they while your both at work? Can they go to after school club/an extra curricula twice a week in September to give you a break?

I'd expect my husband to be dropping to part time in the same situation as he's their primary carer and then working around that re finances and work.

After reading all your updates ,,I think your DH is putting to much on you
They are his kids ,he needs to take responsibility for them
He needs to organise drop of and pick up from school ,he can pay a childminder or get his parents
He needs to get you a cleaner ,so your not picking up after everyone
He needs to cook when he's home so your not doing it all
He needs to get someone else to take them to their hobby,so you can do yours
He is being Very unfair to you frog ,
But you need to stand up for yourself a bit more , because they will all walk all over you otherwise

It isnt about calling the shots.

Its absolutely the realistic impact of what it takes time wise to be the higher earner and how much flexibility comes with that position. That allows the other person to not work or work part time. Versus what time is left and everything that needs to be done.

Im the higher earner by far. And we dont have the same earning power. But my dh job has far more flexibility. I have alot considering my career but he has more.

So in real day to day terms yes sometimes by your definition I do call the shots. Because those shots directly impact the time, money and career choices my DH is able to make.

The difficulty is that OP enjoyed her life working p/t looking after her toddler while her finances were taken care of by her husband. And why not! Lots of us have done that for short or longer periods of time.

Now two children that the DH has sole responsibility for live under her roof - with no set end date. He continues to go to work, pay the mortgage and allow OP to continue to work p/t. But who picks up the extra work? Well OP mostly as she is present in the house, doing the laundry, cooking the tea etc anyway so it would naturally fall to her.

But OP doesn't like this, she wants her old life back. That's not possible - these kids are not going anywhere (and nor should they) plus they need some additional support because of the trauma of being separated from their main caregiver and pets.

OPs choices are:

• Leave
• Suck it up
• Get a f/t job and put DC in nursery leaving DH to manage SDC without her.
• Talk to DH and explain how she feels, trying to find a way to compromise and plan to make it work.

No I'm sorry but this does sound too much . I dont see why you can't have 1 night to persue your hobby? I will state the obvious and say it won't last forever. Is there a school bus they can use to save school runs ? I think something will need to change or you'll be exhausted .

If he had been a good father he would not have been divorced with small children.

I wish all women would realise that virtually all men who split up with their wives were useless bastards from the start. Zero interest in the baby, zero childcare, always out of the house etc. This might limp on until a second child and then everything falls apart. Then they always blame the mother being "crazy" who not surprisingly developed MH issues after years of sleep deprivation and being left alone to care for two small children.

They will and cannot "step up" to care for their children. They simply find another women who they can shove into the role of stepmum and take care of all the kids.

Don't you think it would be a bit ridiculous to both pay for a child minder to take the kids to school when the OP has free time?
Her DSC's will eventually learn to put their clothes in the basket or their clothes won't be washed, so Owhy pay out more for a cleaner?

The DH IS taking as much responsibility for his kids as he can it appears, he's working all hours to help out massively financially, and he wants to spend time with them when he's home. The OP hasn't said her DH goes off on the piss with the lads, leaving her to juggle everything!
I've already said that she should continue with her hobby and meet her friends for coffee, but other than that, OP should help out with her DSC's.

She knew that her DH came as a package, so if she wants him to continue with the job he's doing then she does need to step up, after all, she chose to be with this man.

No wonder you are getting teary and feeling overwhelmed - your DH needs to step up! Imagine this was reversed and your 2 kids father was not on the scene (extremely common) and you expected new husband to not only play parent role but do the majority of it! Not on at all. He is being unreasonable. If his children are traumatised it’s on him to adjust his hours and support them. What would he do if you weren’t there? I hate that men marry women and then expect them to do the grunt work of life.
You should not be getting school emails at all - he should. He also needs to speak with his work and ask for some adjustments to facilitate school drop offs and pick ups or pay for after school clubs etc.
Its not on you to fix this situation - it’s on him!
He may well be feeling stressed. I’ve been a single parent and felt that stress myself. But that doesn’t mean he dumps everything at your feet. I have had to previously adjust hours during difficult periods and know lots of women who have to. Men always act like it’s absurd they are expected to do this or ever take carer’s leave or parental leave. But it’s not. He’s the dad and needs to step up more. You are the step mum and have a small baby and should just be support for him and children but not bearing the brunt of this

You married a man with two children, none of this is their fault. You are being selfish. You need to accept you have three children now or don't and leave. I feel sorry for those kids as they will sense your resentment and they need supportive adults now not another person who is going to undermine their stability. Also speak to your husband, your poor communication is damaging your whole family.

Totally disagree
They are not her responsibility
They have two parents,and grandparents
Why should frogs life be turned upside down ,when her DH life stays the same .
If DH can't do the necessary child care ,they he needs to pay for someone who can
He is not even thinking of the effect on his wife
He keeps saying how he loves having his kids with him , expecting frog to say the same ..well frog is doing the grunt work ,while his life stays the same
Bollocks to that

Do you think when you marry someone you only get the bits you like and want and every thing else is not your problem?

Do you think men get to just pick and choose the bits of child rearing they want…

They are not her kids
They are not her responsibility
They already have two parents
Why should frog be expected to do even more than both parents do
No .not a chance

DH needs to familiarise himself with click and collect for the uniform. Get on M&S website, measure kids, order, pay. If you're feeling kind you could collect.

Or he takes them to a big out of town Sainsbury's or Tesco's during the day when he's not working. He also needs to get in the habit from September of checking the kids still have the clothes, they still fit etc and contact the Friends or PTA or each school in case there are second hand sales. He can do this. It's not difficult.

How is that the case here? He has responsibility for his children, he could do more of OP wanted to contribute more financially but she doesn't so what he cuts his hours and they can't pay their bills. They are married, they have to share responsibility for their responsibilities, communicate which they don't seem to do well and compromise. Never said it was easier but if you are truly in a partnership and a parent, it's what you have to do.

She is married to their father,.so he's she is responsible. She could do less if she spoke up, compromised and maybe took on more work so DH could work less.

He must also organise school shoe shopping and make sure they have suitable bags, sports kit and stationery. He'll be able to find the list on the school websites.

I’m hoping all people who are considering a relationship with someone who has children reads this. The reality is that if you have step children this may happen and they deserve to be treated with importance, but you still should be able to do a hobby once a week for example just like a full parent can and seeing friends on a weekend some weeks isn’t a big ask however the flip side is doing things as a family is so important to make them feel included and wanted

Most of the really time consuming stuff about kids is the little bitty things like checking the homework app, noticing their PE shorts have a hole in, getting them a pack of green pens so they're not constantly having a detention for not having one, signing a trip consent form. A lot of this can be done directly from a phone.

The OP is already working a not inconsiderable amount of hours and seems to have full care of a 2 year old!

I think it's crucial they reach out to the grandparents. They could potentially be helping in all sorts of ways - practically, emotionally, financially.