Step daughter purposely damaging my property

[TheFunnyGreenRobin]

I left a 20 year abusive marriage. Took a massive financial hit to get out. I started seeing a lovely man who I knew through work. I don't trust many men due to my ex-husbands behaviours.

He moved in Nov 22 a few months after my dad passed. Dec 22 my new husbands daughter (she was 14 at the time) got back in touch they had not been in contact for 15 months due to her mom preventing it. I had met her 2x previously. She started staying every other weekend. Told me I was the mom she always wanted etc. Her home life didn't sound great. In March 2023 things kicked off at home and she was at school scared to go home. School asked us to get her. She refused to go back to her mom's. Her mom applied to court to have her returned and to stop my husband seeing her. The court ruled in favour of her living with us. In that time span, I rearranged our house set up created her her own bedroom, decorated it with her, furnished it, clothed her. She literally turned up with one set of clothes on her back. I supported my husband financially to stay off work for months so he could support her emotionally/mentally. Most of my dad's money was used on supporting him.

We got married May 2024, his daughter said she was happy we were getting married, I have looked back at wedding photos she didn't smile on them. In Aug 24 she started playing up, taking my things, damaging items, paint on furniture/carpet etc. In Oct 24 she asked my husband to take her to her mom's to get some of her belongings. I didn't go but they wouldn't let her in and just gave her a box of books out of the garage. Since then her behaviours have gotten a lot worse.

I bought her a new phone, ordered a case screen was smashed in less than 24hours
She has damaged my expensive hair straighteners
Got paint on her carpet initially covered with rug I found it 2 weeks later
Got same paint on stairs carpet which is how I knew the bedroom carpet had been different.
Burnt a hole in her carpet with hair comb despite me the week before re-educating her not to let it touch the carpet, have bought her a heat resistant mat etc.
She cut clothes I bought her stating she was angry with her mom
Got paint/nail varnish etc on furniture (drawers/bed/bookcase etc)
Wrote on kalkax unit and bookcase then claims she thought there was paper there
Stole my cutlery and painted it with nail varnish
Cut the arm of my sons gaming chair
Takes things out of my desk - even educated her specific pens are mine due to health reasons
Put her own faecal stained underwear just under my sons bed by his pillow - repeatedly denies it yet she was only one left in house on her own during that time period.
Dismantled and threw one of my torches away
Purposely leaves wet urine knickers and sanitary towels in wash basket that I put hand in. When I didn't do washing and her dad put it on an ink pen exploded in my tumble dryer! Stained clothes abd marked the drum/rubber
Stabbed my brand new kitchen worktop with a knife broke the laminate because she is angry with her mom. She has recently done it another 4 times. 3 of them in front of the hob so I cant cover them with a chopping board or knife block as I've done previously. I'm still paying the kitchen off and now need to buy 3 new worktops!!
She has made a voodoo doll of me and stuck pins in it.
Theres more but I cant think of it all right now.

My husband previously took her phone off her due to Sending inappropriate photos/videos on Snapchat.

So back in Oct I was triggered by her to point I started having flashbacks to my exhusbands behaviours. I dream he is raping me (which he did) and my step daughter is just stood laughing. So mentally I have been a mess. My husband encouraged me to see GP for PTSD. Im still waiting counselling. I told my husband his daughter needed to change as I couldn't live like this. It carried on another 5 months each time the damage getting worse. My husband tells me she doesn't mean it, or she's severely damaged and got undiagnosed mental health issues and I should give her time.

My stepdaughter denies the damage or states she doesn't know why she has done it or if we push her enough she'll shout would you rather I self harm or I was angry at my mom. (She has had no contact with her mom since Jan 24 - that was my step daughters choosing.)

Social workers are now involved. But they and my husband are making out my reaction is the issue not her actions. I am at the point of saying my marriage is over. I can't live like this no more. I get palpitations being in the same room as her as she blatantly lies. She steals things from me when I'm not in the house. She damages things then denies it. I shouted when social worker was here the other day about the worktop initially she denied it then said well would you rather I self harm i said no but I dont want you damaging my property either.

She is sly when she takes things out of kitchen. We stopped her eating in room due to finding mouldy food under bed, empty wrappers shoved in drawers with clothes so now she sneaks the food ie crisps up and cuts the top off so we dont hear the rustling of the bag. She stuffs clothes, faecal stained underwear and used sanitary towels back in her drawers. Theres often a smell emanating from her room and I have reached a number of times walking past.

She only damages stuff I buy. Her dad rarely buys her clothes or other items but when he does they are well looked after.

I feel that she is abusing me
Financial implications - she knows she has caused over £2000 worth of damagd but continues.
Mental by lying and gaslighting me stealing my stuff then lying about it and me finding it in her room
Emotional it is causing me a lot of hurt and distress that I recently decorated kitchen and she has stabbed it. It hurts that her anger is directed at me. I was the one who took her in, sat up with her at 3am when she was crying.
Physically I have health issues my joints dislocate so I am often in pain and she knows this and I have dislocated cleaning up mess and repairing items she has damaged just for her to keep doing it. Stress causes pain flare ups and they have been aware that what she is doing has impacted me since Oct last year.

My husband argues she is damaged and trying, how I should give her more time. His comment about the knife stabs on the worktops are "they are not that noticeable" as if that makes it okay. He's not working so he contributes some money to bills/food but I spend more than he gives me each month on keeping them both and all the additional financial implications of replacing items, paying for holidays, birthdays, Christmas, clothing the kids all falls to me.

I am at the point of I'm done. I can't live with this abuse anymore I wake up in the morning scared to discover what she has damaged next out of anger for her mom. I get palpitations when I'm in the same room as her. My husband supports her and says I'm just making myself the victim by holding on to it all and I should just forget what she has done and move forward. But this is my house and my belongings she is damaging. The atmosphere is horrible in the house because I dont want to speak to her anymore. Silence is my way of protecting myself its how I got through my previous abuse. So now I have the blame for his other son not visiting because he doesn't like the negativity. So again my husband wants me to not be affected by what his daughter is doing to my property/belongings and put a smile on my face pretend all is okay so the atmosphere in the house is better.

Am I in the wrong?

Personally I'd change the locks.

Yes I would change the locks too. For safety reasons.

@TheFunnyGreenRobin please stop paying for you husband and steps daughters hotels etc nd spend that money on a good solicitor. Matrimonial rights are a thing, but it’s quite unusual for men to rely on them, usually it’s the non working wife trying to do so. I’m not sure what they mean for SD, but I’d be inclined to go nuclear and report her abuse of you to the police and they try to bar her from the house that way. I might be inclined to change the locks and let the SW take legal action if she thinks she can, better to protect yourself and ask forgiveness than permission. Maybe do a Claire’s law on your ex as he is gaslighting and pressuring you, which is emotional abuse. Anything you can get to keep them both out is good and will help you feel stronger in your position.

Lesson for the future don’t marry where there are unequal assets without a pre nup as he has really taken you for a ride. I would start divorce asap as the shorter the marriage hopefully the less his claim on your assets.

Keep on keeping on.

He can't afford hotel so he said he and his daughter are likely sleeping in the car tonight.

Fine-it's not your problem.

I hope it's not your car that you're paying for...?

OP, my advice right now is go to a solicitor asap / immediately and start divorce proceedings. Ask how your legal separation can be established.

Do it right now while you have such a short marriage before he takes half your house off you.

This!

Your stbxh should have sought urgent MH treatment for his daughter, whose issues he clearly saw and understood - to stand idly by and hope time would help her MH issues blow over, or let you bear the brunt of her problems, was and remains serious neglect of a vulnerable teen. He betrayed her as well as you.

You are well rid of this loser.

Find a solicitor and learn your rights and how to proceed now.

Do not allow yourself to be pressured into accepting either of them back. You were not put on this earth to carry the can for other adults or incompetent social services or local government. Say no, and keep on saying it.

Wrt 'matrimonial home rights'

You can get a residency order stating who can and who can't live in the home. You need to speak to a solicitor as a matter of extreme urgency to get this sorted.

You can also call Women's Aid, who can signpost you to legal support.
0808 2000 247

Why can't your SD live in her mother's house, even temporarily?

Thanks all I'm remaining strong. I'm soaking in a very hot bath. My son is at his dad's. I've packed some of my SDs things. Found 4 lighters in her room never seen them before. Im trying to find a knife that's missing from my kitchen 🫤

I spoke with housing today she said your husband tells me your relationship is good and he wants to be there to support you. I said our relationship was OK. Issue is his daughter. I explained timelines and her abuse and she said she is one very troubled young lady. They are trying to help him secure private tenancy. I believe they are sleeping in his car as he collected sleeping bags from me to

I heard off my husbands oldest son who implied that even though I blamed SD for marriage breakup that my husband was likely greatly to blame as he has a habit of moving in with women stopping working, letting them support him and wearing them down until they are broke. He listed 3 women before me. All mothers of his children. He said that's why he had pulled away as he could see it happening again. He also advised me that my husband could have cheated on me recently and gave his rationale. He also said he was sad as he feels my husband has failed my SD (his half sister) in not getting her the help she needs. He's told me he wants to maintain a relationship with my kids and myself even though he no longer speaks to his

I contacted my stepsons mom not because I wanted to stir up shit but to inform her of SG concerns from school and the dirty underwear under my sons bed, videos and photos I've seen of SD. As i would never forgive myself if my SD claimed something against her half brother. She thanked me. She was really very nice and thanked me for supporting her son and covering up my husbands failings as it allowed my SS to see my husband she thinks he would have cut Contact earlier if I hadn't been here trying to make things better. She told me she knew I loved her son and that he loved me too and that he had really loved our last day out together when it was just the 2 of us to get him away from my SD. She has offered to work time into the next few weekends/holidays for my son and myself to see my stepson as he still wants a relationship with us and she said it'll be good for him to be around people who love hi

So I'm feeling bit shitty that my husband may have cheated on me. I know he had on 2 of his other partners, he told me hadn't on the last one and that she cheated on him and it broke his heart so I believed he had changed. It was confirmed to me today that he did cheat on her. So it seems like I've been lied to for a few year

But on the flip side I have had so much love and support from his wider family telling me its not me and this is the pattern he follows, he sees someone vulnerable and works his way in. Ie breakup of my 20 year abusive marriage, my dad being poorly and passing. I needed support and I found it in him. He helped me through some very shitty dark times so I will becgrateful for that aspect and if his daughter hadn't abused me i'd have probably supported him until his last days. But I'm feeling quite positive/strong I can get through this 😁 tomorrow i may be blubbering again but I'm ending today in a good place mentally x

Was not expecting all of that information in your update @TheFunnyGreenRobin What a discovery. I really hope you're ok. He sounds like a piece of work - his daughter clearly takes after him.

"my husband was likely greatly to blame as he has a habit of moving in with women stopping working, letting them support him and wearing them down until they are broke."

That's quite a revelation to hear, direct from someone who knows. Yet he told the SW that you had a good relationship, so that he and his DD could move back in.

At least you have confirmation of his behaviour pattern now, distressing as that may be, it would be difficult for him to talk his way out of that.

It sounds like you are having a more peaceful evening with your house to yourself, which gives you time to think.

As other pps have said. Seeing a solicitor to safeguard your property is a big priority now. I hope you are able to get some more peace from this situation soon.

I would start divorce proceedings immediately, do it now before he tries to take half your house off you.

so glad theyre gone though, you must be feeling all kinds of relief

Yes it’s good you got the information about your husband. So unfair on you.
While your positive get legal advice and break ties with him and his dad

Agree that your husband moves out with his daughter for two or three years - to help launch her off independently.
He needs to plan to teach her to cook, wash her clothes and to not damage any house hold items.

You use the time to resettle your home and children.

Your DH should only move back in once his daughter is settled in education, work, training etc and is managing to live with friends. He also needs to pull his weight.

I spoke with housing today she said your husband tells me your relationship is good and he wants to be there to support you

He isn't supporting you, he is leeching off you and facilitating his daughter destroying your house.

Pack all their stuff up and get them out. I'd stop talking to housing or social care-say you are no longer together and they have moved out and nothing to do with you any more. I would file for divorce as well.

I spoke with housing today she said your husband tells me your relationship is good and he wants to be there to support you. I said our relationship was OK.

A man who says the relationship with his wife is good when she's just told the step daughter to leave because of her behaviour and his lack of support and then says he wants to be there to support his wife is a gaslighter. You are in this position due to his failure to support you and because he failed to acknowledge problems.

You said the relationship is ok. That's not a resoundingly good endorsement of your marriage.

Of course he's going to say the relationship is good. He wants his comfortable cocklodge back. That's his priority not you.

The fact his own son has subsequently confirmed a pattern of behaviour that he thinks is financially abusive (let's not muck about with words on this) and takes advantage of women says a lot.

And that's before you get to revelation about him being unfaithful.

Hes emotionally and financially abusive. Your relationship is not ok. He has a pattern of this.

Please start seeing it through this lens and get advice from a domestic abuse charity.

Remember that children can be capable of domestic abuse - your step daughter was abusing you and your husband has been enabling this as well as his own abusive behaviour. He has controlled you because you didn't want to leave her homeless/felt responsible, so youve put up with her behaviour. He didn't need to be the 'bad abuser' because he already had someone doing that for him.

It's a toxic dynamic.

This new information should help you start seeing it all for what it is.

The housing officer will be looking the quick and easy solution - ie he comes back to you.
You need to put the housing officer right by telling her your husband is a cheat and a liar. He has been unfaithful and the relationship is over irrespective of his daughter. You will be getting legal advice and commencing divorce proceedings . So no there is no chance of a reconciliation.

Hope you are doing ok op. You have had a very stressful time so be kind to yourself.

How are you doing @TheFunnyGreenRobin ?

Husband needs to rent a place and take her him him …

Wow I didnt know that about matrimonial rights 😱 i would still change the locks just in case he decides to let himself in while you're out - harder to physically get rid of them if they're inside. And tell SW and housing its nothing to do with you anymore you're split up and get divorce proceedings started asap. Get yourself a solicitor quick and then direct anyone (him, sw, housing etc) to go through them... they will likely back off then

Sounds awful 😭

I supported my husband financially to stay off work for months so he could support her emotionally/mentally. Most of my dad's money was used on supporting him.

This is outrageous.

And this useless prick still doesn’t work?! Why not???

These abusive freeloaders, both of them, need to get out of your house.

You escaped abuse. Our life is too precious to be spent living like this.

She has to go. Regardless of where he lives, she can’t live with you. Tell him this has to happen, and if she tries to damage anything in the meantime or refuses to go call the police.

So sorry, I have stepkids and have had similar incidents of damage in my house…our response was to put cameras up - all damage miraculously stopped. I think you need cameras and to explain to your husband that unless he has your back, he is on his 2nd divorce. Get and read the book Stepmonster (you and your partner both need to read it). The other thing to consider is couples therapy with a therapist with experience of blended families. Also get the teenager in to counselling, that would be a non negotiable for me. You may also need to set the hard line that if nothing changes, the daughter is out of the house at 18 or if that is too long, your husband and her may need to move out until that time. Sending hugs, you are not crazy, you are dealing with a crazy situation though.

Sorry just read the full thread, you are better off out of this relationship. Glad you are looking after you.