Step daughter purposely damaging my property

[TheFunnyGreenRobin]

I left a 20 year abusive marriage. Took a massive financial hit to get out. I started seeing a lovely man who I knew through work. I don't trust many men due to my ex-husbands behaviours.

He moved in Nov 22 a few months after my dad passed. Dec 22 my new husbands daughter (she was 14 at the time) got back in touch they had not been in contact for 15 months due to her mom preventing it. I had met her 2x previously. She started staying every other weekend. Told me I was the mom she always wanted etc. Her home life didn't sound great. In March 2023 things kicked off at home and she was at school scared to go home. School asked us to get her. She refused to go back to her mom's. Her mom applied to court to have her returned and to stop my husband seeing her. The court ruled in favour of her living with us. In that time span, I rearranged our house set up created her her own bedroom, decorated it with her, furnished it, clothed her. She literally turned up with one set of clothes on her back. I supported my husband financially to stay off work for months so he could support her emotionally/mentally. Most of my dad's money was used on supporting him.

We got married May 2024, his daughter said she was happy we were getting married, I have looked back at wedding photos she didn't smile on them. In Aug 24 she started playing up, taking my things, damaging items, paint on furniture/carpet etc. In Oct 24 she asked my husband to take her to her mom's to get some of her belongings. I didn't go but they wouldn't let her in and just gave her a box of books out of the garage. Since then her behaviours have gotten a lot worse.

I bought her a new phone, ordered a case screen was smashed in less than 24hours
She has damaged my expensive hair straighteners
Got paint on her carpet initially covered with rug I found it 2 weeks later
Got same paint on stairs carpet which is how I knew the bedroom carpet had been different.
Burnt a hole in her carpet with hair comb despite me the week before re-educating her not to let it touch the carpet, have bought her a heat resistant mat etc.
She cut clothes I bought her stating she was angry with her mom
Got paint/nail varnish etc on furniture (drawers/bed/bookcase etc)
Wrote on kalkax unit and bookcase then claims she thought there was paper there
Stole my cutlery and painted it with nail varnish
Cut the arm of my sons gaming chair
Takes things out of my desk - even educated her specific pens are mine due to health reasons
Put her own faecal stained underwear just under my sons bed by his pillow - repeatedly denies it yet she was only one left in house on her own during that time period.
Dismantled and threw one of my torches away
Purposely leaves wet urine knickers and sanitary towels in wash basket that I put hand in. When I didn't do washing and her dad put it on an ink pen exploded in my tumble dryer! Stained clothes abd marked the drum/rubber
Stabbed my brand new kitchen worktop with a knife broke the laminate because she is angry with her mom. She has recently done it another 4 times. 3 of them in front of the hob so I cant cover them with a chopping board or knife block as I've done previously. I'm still paying the kitchen off and now need to buy 3 new worktops!!
She has made a voodoo doll of me and stuck pins in it.
Theres more but I cant think of it all right now.

My husband previously took her phone off her due to Sending inappropriate photos/videos on Snapchat.

So back in Oct I was triggered by her to point I started having flashbacks to my exhusbands behaviours. I dream he is raping me (which he did) and my step daughter is just stood laughing. So mentally I have been a mess. My husband encouraged me to see GP for PTSD. Im still waiting counselling. I told my husband his daughter needed to change as I couldn't live like this. It carried on another 5 months each time the damage getting worse. My husband tells me she doesn't mean it, or she's severely damaged and got undiagnosed mental health issues and I should give her time.

My stepdaughter denies the damage or states she doesn't know why she has done it or if we push her enough she'll shout would you rather I self harm or I was angry at my mom. (She has had no contact with her mom since Jan 24 - that was my step daughters choosing.)

Social workers are now involved. But they and my husband are making out my reaction is the issue not her actions. I am at the point of saying my marriage is over. I can't live like this no more. I get palpitations being in the same room as her as she blatantly lies. She steals things from me when I'm not in the house. She damages things then denies it. I shouted when social worker was here the other day about the worktop initially she denied it then said well would you rather I self harm i said no but I dont want you damaging my property either.

She is sly when she takes things out of kitchen. We stopped her eating in room due to finding mouldy food under bed, empty wrappers shoved in drawers with clothes so now she sneaks the food ie crisps up and cuts the top off so we dont hear the rustling of the bag. She stuffs clothes, faecal stained underwear and used sanitary towels back in her drawers. Theres often a smell emanating from her room and I have reached a number of times walking past.

She only damages stuff I buy. Her dad rarely buys her clothes or other items but when he does they are well looked after.

I feel that she is abusing me
Financial implications - she knows she has caused over £2000 worth of damagd but continues.
Mental by lying and gaslighting me stealing my stuff then lying about it and me finding it in her room
Emotional it is causing me a lot of hurt and distress that I recently decorated kitchen and she has stabbed it. It hurts that her anger is directed at me. I was the one who took her in, sat up with her at 3am when she was crying.
Physically I have health issues my joints dislocate so I am often in pain and she knows this and I have dislocated cleaning up mess and repairing items she has damaged just for her to keep doing it. Stress causes pain flare ups and they have been aware that what she is doing has impacted me since Oct last year.

My husband argues she is damaged and trying, how I should give her more time. His comment about the knife stabs on the worktops are "they are not that noticeable" as if that makes it okay. He's not working so he contributes some money to bills/food but I spend more than he gives me each month on keeping them both and all the additional financial implications of replacing items, paying for holidays, birthdays, Christmas, clothing the kids all falls to me.

I am at the point of I'm done. I can't live with this abuse anymore I wake up in the morning scared to discover what she has damaged next out of anger for her mom. I get palpitations when I'm in the same room as her. My husband supports her and says I'm just making myself the victim by holding on to it all and I should just forget what she has done and move forward. But this is my house and my belongings she is damaging. The atmosphere is horrible in the house because I dont want to speak to her anymore. Silence is my way of protecting myself its how I got through my previous abuse. So now I have the blame for his other son not visiting because he doesn't like the negativity. So again my husband wants me to not be affected by what his daughter is doing to my property/belongings and put a smile on my face pretend all is okay so the atmosphere in the house is better.

Am I in the wrong?

Jesus. Is this really worth it? Get your kid the hell out of there.

Op you have the symptoms of PTSD and need urgent support with this. You have shut down. Until your living arrangements are safer, I suspect you will continue to struggle. Can you follow some grounding techniques and reassure yourself the two situations are not the same? This time it is a child in crisis, and not your abuser.

Sadly your withdrawal will feel like another rejection to sd, which is why she has become worse. That poor child has clearly been through sexual abuse at her mother’s house. I suspect her mother knows, which is why their relationship has broken down so badly. It is unlikely to.ever recover.

Ir is entirely normal for children to become terrified and withdraw their statements fron the authorities. It is such a frightening and confronting experience, I can’t fully explain just how dislocating and frightening it is for a vulnerable child, but the one thing you can be sure of is this did happen.

The pain she must be in will be tremendous, hence hee behaviour - it is not personal to you. Please take action to protect yourself and son, but do so gently and kindly.

I would remove every last knife and sharp object from your house today. Right now and dispose of them safely. You can not stand by and wait until there is a tragedy.

Can your dh move into a hotel or air bnb for now? This weekend? Is she safe with your dh op? I fear this child can not rely on any of the adults around her now, and steps must be taken to prevent further harm to her.

Perhaps your son can stay with his father whilst you and dh organise somewhere for them to live/stay. Then you know your son is safe and well cared for.

Does sd have trustworthy family she can stay with for a little while? Or family friends? With her father as she accesses support and help.

Op it’s important to remember this is a child that has been so badly let down by the people around her, she has come to great harm and she is now in crisis. Take care of yourself whilst you navigate the most difficult of times.

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/child-sexual-abuse/

DH sounds like he is using you for somewhere to live & finance his life. I bet you do the majority of the housework too. What exactly does he bring to the household? I agree you need to separate & attempt to keep hold of the majority of the value of your house.

I think you need to tell DH that by allowing this to continue HE is abusing you. She needs MH treatment ASAP. You probably need to facilitate this by pressing charges.

You are in another abusive relationship end it and get some therapy

Make them leave. Don’t buy her new stuff. Start trying to get your money back or make him provide written evidence of the loan for what you have covered for him.

I was all ready to write a reasoned, balance response looking at things from both sides, but having read your posts, OP, stuff that! You need to think of yourself and your son! Get your DH and his daughter out asap! I’d change the locks without mentioning anything at all to him and book them into a hotel for a few days so they can get sorted.

You need to protect yourself. Why should you have to put up with being abused like this (by both of them, in different ways)? Why should you lose all that money? Have your home destroyed? I note the SD has enough control not to damage her father’s things! She needs support as she sounds like a pathological liar and quite disturbed - but that’s her father’s problem not yours! Indeed, by getting both of them out, you might even spur him to push harder for the support she needs.

Get them out asap!

So he has two kids that are lumped on you and he doesn’t contribute a penny! Christ why do women put up with this shit - tell him to move out and take his daughter with him. I suspect her mother had nothing to do with the breakdown in their relationship and she was likely more than glad to get rid of her too hence why no contact with her since

You need to ask him to leave! You can't go on living like this, it isn't a life for you and your son.

You can now be at risk of the SD or DP (I hope he isn’t DH) lying about you and your DS -causing no end of worry.
write down what DSD has done. Get a solicitor for advice. Get them out -you and DS are at great risk of having to deal with the fallout of lies by the SDd. Just get them out.

You have a DH problem - he is a cocklodger and his refusal to move out is harming you, his daughter your son.

He needs to go NOW for the benefit of everyone

You are still being abused ! Your relationship with your husband does not benefit you , it harms you and your son .
Get them out of the house and end the marriage. Protect your son!

May I also add your dh is really dragging his feet. Taking his time looking. He does need to go this weekend. You may not be able to face ending the relationship immediately, but for now, he must leave. You can consider how to navigate your marriage afterwards when you are feeling stronger.

The important thing for now is that he is out, and you and your son are safe. I would change the locks so you know neither of them can return. Your mental health will dramatically improve is my guess.

Reading your updates OP, what concerns me most is that you still seem to be trying to work things out and tbh sound quite passive in this. Regardless of money, debts, etc, there is no way that your 13 year old son should be living with her. Saying 'if you have abused my son I'll never forgive you' is weak and pointless. You know what needs to happen for his sake, but sadly I don't think it will.

I think there are 2 issues here;

Your DSD is extremely damaged, and needs help. I feel sorry for her. She has been let down by both her mum and dad.

You have had a very traumatic experience yourself with your abusive exH. You need to heal from this, and you need to make sure your DS is ok too. You need a quiet, calm, orderly, disciplined household from what I am reading.

You both need help and being together is making it worse for both of you.

I think you need to amicably split and he moves out . I feel sorry for her, but she’s not your DC, and actually I think you need to distance them from your son ASAP before he gets dragged into one of these stressful episodes.

You need to get them both out, now. Protect your son. Otherwise you risk him being accused of SA. This must be absolutely awful for him; if you don’t get this man and his daughter out, you risk losing your son, as I can’t see him wanting to live in your house.

Oh, and bring your DH’ other wife up to date (his son with a different woman). This boy could be at risk of false accusations too. You have the charge of 2 boys under your roof; both need protecting.

Why does your husband not work ?

Her Dad needs to support therapy for her.

My guess is that she is reacting to the rejection from her own Mum and is angry with you for not being her Mum.

And / or she is so afraid of rejection / being rejected that she is testing you: You don’t love me! Yes I do! Well look what I have done now, see, you don’t love me!

And taking control by causing the rejection rather than waiting for it to happen.

None if this makes it ok for you to live with, of course.

I am astounded that your DH watched you spend all your money, inheritance and savings, on a problem that was his to fix,

Now is time for him to step up. Take his Dd to therapy, take her to a rented flat, whatever.

your husband can go to the council and tell them they are homeless at 9am when they open. They will house both of them in a hostel or B&b. Tell him hes out today, you cannot cope with this mess a minute longer. Hes really taken the piss out of you taking 15k of your savings and then letting his daughter ruin your home like this. He is not a good man.

Does seem to be overtures of cocklodger here. Interesting how a month after he moved in, he told OP he was taking partial retirement and the fact he has the nerve to continuously say ‘it’s not that bad’ to much of the destruction (easy to say when it’s not your home) and that the child just need more time. He doesn’t sound as though he did much on the early stages to perhaps prevent the behaviour from escalating as rapidly as it did. She needs them both to move out asap and she parent her child safely and try to get her finances on track for herself amd her sons future amd her OH do the same for himself and his daughter. The relationship of strong and committed enough should survive and if not, it’s not the first priority any longer unfortunately when kids are involved.

She sounds very troubled and your DH sounds useless.
Your priority is your son and yourself. So do whatever is needed to get them out and let them work on solving their challenges without involving you

He needs to leave with his daughter. You are all damaged. You might try to keep a relationship with DH without his daughter knowing. She must be 16 now do she may eventually leave home anyway. Most importantly you live apart and get some peace of mind back. Sounds like she's trying to drive you away partly because she feels so worthless being rejected by her mother but this is not your problem.

I agree get them out you’re going to have more health problems if you don’t. Also you and your son deserve more respect from your husband. You have no support from him whatsoever.
look after yourself 🤗

Your poor son OP.
This is more than damaged property.
This girl is terrorising you both, and I am sure terrorised her own mother.
Your son is severely at risk here. You need to act now.
This girl had two parents who have a responsibility to care for her and house her.
Let them find a solution.
You have been through far too much already.
As an added aside, and this is only a minor hint, when my kitchen worktops got badly damaged (by workman doing another job) I found someone who does kitchen wrapping who was happy to do just my worktops. Cost me £150 with labour and materials, look as good as new.
Please advocate for you and your son. You are both being abused in your own home.