Step daughter purposely damaging my property

[TheFunnyGreenRobin]

I left a 20 year abusive marriage. Took a massive financial hit to get out. I started seeing a lovely man who I knew through work. I don't trust many men due to my ex-husbands behaviours.

He moved in Nov 22 a few months after my dad passed. Dec 22 my new husbands daughter (she was 14 at the time) got back in touch they had not been in contact for 15 months due to her mom preventing it. I had met her 2x previously. She started staying every other weekend. Told me I was the mom she always wanted etc. Her home life didn't sound great. In March 2023 things kicked off at home and she was at school scared to go home. School asked us to get her. She refused to go back to her mom's. Her mom applied to court to have her returned and to stop my husband seeing her. The court ruled in favour of her living with us. In that time span, I rearranged our house set up created her her own bedroom, decorated it with her, furnished it, clothed her. She literally turned up with one set of clothes on her back. I supported my husband financially to stay off work for months so he could support her emotionally/mentally. Most of my dad's money was used on supporting him.

We got married May 2024, his daughter said she was happy we were getting married, I have looked back at wedding photos she didn't smile on them. In Aug 24 she started playing up, taking my things, damaging items, paint on furniture/carpet etc. In Oct 24 she asked my husband to take her to her mom's to get some of her belongings. I didn't go but they wouldn't let her in and just gave her a box of books out of the garage. Since then her behaviours have gotten a lot worse.

I bought her a new phone, ordered a case screen was smashed in less than 24hours
She has damaged my expensive hair straighteners
Got paint on her carpet initially covered with rug I found it 2 weeks later
Got same paint on stairs carpet which is how I knew the bedroom carpet had been different.
Burnt a hole in her carpet with hair comb despite me the week before re-educating her not to let it touch the carpet, have bought her a heat resistant mat etc.
She cut clothes I bought her stating she was angry with her mom
Got paint/nail varnish etc on furniture (drawers/bed/bookcase etc)
Wrote on kalkax unit and bookcase then claims she thought there was paper there
Stole my cutlery and painted it with nail varnish
Cut the arm of my sons gaming chair
Takes things out of my desk - even educated her specific pens are mine due to health reasons
Put her own faecal stained underwear just under my sons bed by his pillow - repeatedly denies it yet she was only one left in house on her own during that time period.
Dismantled and threw one of my torches away
Purposely leaves wet urine knickers and sanitary towels in wash basket that I put hand in. When I didn't do washing and her dad put it on an ink pen exploded in my tumble dryer! Stained clothes abd marked the drum/rubber
Stabbed my brand new kitchen worktop with a knife broke the laminate because she is angry with her mom. She has recently done it another 4 times. 3 of them in front of the hob so I cant cover them with a chopping board or knife block as I've done previously. I'm still paying the kitchen off and now need to buy 3 new worktops!!
She has made a voodoo doll of me and stuck pins in it.
Theres more but I cant think of it all right now.

My husband previously took her phone off her due to Sending inappropriate photos/videos on Snapchat.

So back in Oct I was triggered by her to point I started having flashbacks to my exhusbands behaviours. I dream he is raping me (which he did) and my step daughter is just stood laughing. So mentally I have been a mess. My husband encouraged me to see GP for PTSD. Im still waiting counselling. I told my husband his daughter needed to change as I couldn't live like this. It carried on another 5 months each time the damage getting worse. My husband tells me she doesn't mean it, or she's severely damaged and got undiagnosed mental health issues and I should give her time.

My stepdaughter denies the damage or states she doesn't know why she has done it or if we push her enough she'll shout would you rather I self harm or I was angry at my mom. (She has had no contact with her mom since Jan 24 - that was my step daughters choosing.)

Social workers are now involved. But they and my husband are making out my reaction is the issue not her actions. I am at the point of saying my marriage is over. I can't live like this no more. I get palpitations being in the same room as her as she blatantly lies. She steals things from me when I'm not in the house. She damages things then denies it. I shouted when social worker was here the other day about the worktop initially she denied it then said well would you rather I self harm i said no but I dont want you damaging my property either.

She is sly when she takes things out of kitchen. We stopped her eating in room due to finding mouldy food under bed, empty wrappers shoved in drawers with clothes so now she sneaks the food ie crisps up and cuts the top off so we dont hear the rustling of the bag. She stuffs clothes, faecal stained underwear and used sanitary towels back in her drawers. Theres often a smell emanating from her room and I have reached a number of times walking past.

She only damages stuff I buy. Her dad rarely buys her clothes or other items but when he does they are well looked after.

I feel that she is abusing me
Financial implications - she knows she has caused over £2000 worth of damagd but continues.
Mental by lying and gaslighting me stealing my stuff then lying about it and me finding it in her room
Emotional it is causing me a lot of hurt and distress that I recently decorated kitchen and she has stabbed it. It hurts that her anger is directed at me. I was the one who took her in, sat up with her at 3am when she was crying.
Physically I have health issues my joints dislocate so I am often in pain and she knows this and I have dislocated cleaning up mess and repairing items she has damaged just for her to keep doing it. Stress causes pain flare ups and they have been aware that what she is doing has impacted me since Oct last year.

My husband argues she is damaged and trying, how I should give her more time. His comment about the knife stabs on the worktops are "they are not that noticeable" as if that makes it okay. He's not working so he contributes some money to bills/food but I spend more than he gives me each month on keeping them both and all the additional financial implications of replacing items, paying for holidays, birthdays, Christmas, clothing the kids all falls to me.

I am at the point of I'm done. I can't live with this abuse anymore I wake up in the morning scared to discover what she has damaged next out of anger for her mom. I get palpitations when I'm in the same room as her. My husband supports her and says I'm just making myself the victim by holding on to it all and I should just forget what she has done and move forward. But this is my house and my belongings she is damaging. The atmosphere is horrible in the house because I dont want to speak to her anymore. Silence is my way of protecting myself its how I got through my previous abuse. So now I have the blame for his other son not visiting because he doesn't like the negativity. So again my husband wants me to not be affected by what his daughter is doing to my property/belongings and put a smile on my face pretend all is okay so the atmosphere in the house is better.

Am I in the wrong?

They BOTH need to leave your house TODAY!!!!!

I would handle this very kindly, gently and firmly.

I wouldn’t end my marriage, but I would ask them both to move out. The poor girl has been damaged beyond belief but not irreparably. Keep it loving op. Dh moves out to protect you and your son. The contagion of this is very likely to affect your child, so this can not go on.

It does not need to be a divorce or hell fire. You can continue to see each other you and dh, and spend time together but they live elsewhere.

Sd needs professional psychiatric care, scaffolding and time to recover from her horrendous ordeal. She needs to be checked for signs of sexual abuse or rape, her behaviours indicate that she might have been subject to something that has been deeply disturbing for her.

Op, she is not her behaviour, she is a broken child trying to survive, she needs to be safe, but you can only provide so much. You can provide non judgement, unconditional understanding and empathy from a safe distance.

You need more therapy op, start asap, and so does your dh. It is extremely challenging dealing with a child in crisis, and she is in crisis most definitely.

One day you will all come through this, how you manage this now will impact your family for decades to come.

You must protect your son, but do so kindly. The young girl at the centre of this nightmare didn’t choose this life, she was born into it, and your dh needs to do all he can to turn this around for her.

The sooner you go for divorce,the less money he can get out of you.
I don't know what the legal position is ,but I hope he can't make you sell the house to give him half
Such a shame your married, because that makes it harder to get rid of him
But get rid you must ,this is a ridiculous situation that he is not managing

My neighbours used to have slightly similar behaviours with their foster son, although not as bad and mainly directed towards his own property. Essentially it stemmed from believing he was not worthy of nice things, and doing bad things to provoke a rejection reaction (subconsciously on purpose) to prove to himself that everyone would reject him eventually as he is unlovable. However, this is intolerable to live with in your own home, with your own possessions being destroyed. Her mother sounds beyond vile.

I have dc with diagnosed issues and they sound similar although one is secretive a bit like your stepdaughter and the other will ‘trash’ the house in a rampage. I had to strip the house of nearly everything eg vases, photo frames, anything that could be thrown or damaged. I lost several TVs. I haven’t used knives for years (never chop veg) or anything sharp eg nail scissors. I literally had to take all the cutlery out of the kitchen, put it in a bag and then move it to a different place each day and just bring out what was needed when I was around and they were calm enough. Anyway it is no way to live and I don’t suggest you do what I had to do (it was a complex situation and it ended badly for one dc in particular.)

I agree with the posters saying they need to leave. Maybe she will be a bit better with just your dh. She definitely needs some help and urgently.

I really feel for you, OP.

If you are certain about the underwear situation, I would be worried about what she may accuse your son of.

Is he old enough to have a lock on his door? Although I’d be asking them to leave today. And I wouldn’t continue a relationship with your husband, even outside of the home. He’s enabling this abuse and sounds like he’s using you anyway.

If you are certain about the underwear situation, I would be worried about what she may accuse your son of

That would be my worry too.

I seems like it has got to the stage where you are reacting in a way that is making the situation worse and it is triggering you. I agree that at least short term this needs to be diffused by your husband and step daughter not living with you.
I would also separate finances so only your DH is providing for your step daughter - if your not buying her things she can't ruin them.

Your own son needs protecting and by staying with this man, you are failing to do that. This could turn pretty nasty for your son actually, think of the bigger picture. Pity you married this bloke as he will have some financial claim on you but the sooner you get him out the less damage will be done. So, in short, get him and his daughter out of your house now or face some very unpleasant consequences.

Tell him he needs to move out and take her with him. I wouldnt stay, yes she has a lot of mental health issues clearly (probably stemming from
rejection of her mother) but you must look after your own mental health & your sons.

She sounds horrendous. And she also sounds like my son... he's 17 now.

My son has always been a chameleon, able to act and manipulate, he's very clever even though his academic exams may not represent that. Crafty perhaps. He's smashed things around the house. Broken doors. Punched mirrors. Constantly taking things. Other kids things. My things. Dad's things. Money. Food. Would part eat things and stuff them in places to go mouldy. Pick and unravel his bedroom carpet, three times. Stab little holes along the bannister. I could list a hundred things more.

He was diagnosed with ADHD F90 severe. Turns out it's not that uncommon behaviour for the condition. It's not that ADHD makes you destroy other people's things. It's just the way it presents with him. He has an impulse and can't control the impulse. It's not that he doesn't know it's wrong. It's that a lot of the time, if something's made him cross, it's that the thought occurs to him and then he can't stop himself. I have that maternal love and instincts that you won't have, and it's hard enough for me some days, so I completely get how you can't cope.

She sounds a lot like him. Have you investigated any form of condition she may have? I can see a lot stems from her mother's treatment and I think anyone would understand this would have a negative impact , but her coping strategies are not "normal/typical" and that's what needs the review and support. You shouldn't have to live like this. She probably doesn't like who she is much right now either. The right support is crucial.

Jeezus.. the cocklodging alone is grounds for divorce, even without the stepdaughter! Reclaim your peace, protect your son and end this nightmare as quickly and cleanly as possible. You've made a mistake by marrying this inadequate 'man', but you don't need to pay for it for the rest of your life.

Your husband is abusing you, he's just using a different method from the more blatant abuse of your ex.

He has to go, and take his daughter with him.

I'd tell him either the behaviour improves to a pre decided standard by a set date or he moves out and takes her with him. You shouldn't have to live with this kind of abuse and bullying on a daily basis. It must be very distressing for your son too.

Frankly, he sounds useless as a father, there's clearly no boundaries. If my kids did this, no matter how angry they were, their asses would glow!

As she is not your child, you hold no responsibility for her so I'd cut your losses and tell them to leave.

My dc with similar behaviour also has ADHD.

I would tell them both to move out
But you've got to be careful how you do it so they can't make themselves victims. I'd make out you are doing it because obviously your DHs DD is unhappy living with you. You had hoped she would be happy in a stable home with DH but this is obviously not the case now social workers are involved. You think they need some time together away from you and your DS. It would be sensible if your DH could focus on his daughter and her MH. Don't mention damaging your stuff - just make out that you are doing this so DSS can feel happier in herself, you notice she isn't happy in your company. Don't mention splitting up - just focus on DSS and her need to get better. You dont have to take them back but that's a decision for another day. Get the social worker to agree that her dad needs to focus on DSS - you all need to make sacrifices etc.

You still have a short marriage and as long as you don't have any joint children you should be able to get a divorce without too much financial impact.

She is obviously very emotionally damaged and her father needs to step up. Its not your job to do this particularly at the detriment of your mental wellbeing.

Get them out, or you will be driven crazy.

Tell you husband to leave and take his damaged daughter with him. It's unfair to your son and yourself to put up with them. Her behaviour is way beyond playing up. Cut your losses, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Give him a deadline and stick to it, don't be taken in by any protestations that she'll change.
Good luck, look ahead to getting your peaceful home back.

Took a massive financial hit to get out.

And now you’ll have to do the same again.

Get rid, asap, while you still have some shred of mental health in tact, and this time, learn from it.

They have only been married a year. The financial hit won't be too severe.

Yes you’re being abused and need to tell the pair of them to leave with immediate effect.
she’s using excuses and manipulation

my sd was awful similar but not as extreme

I would get them out of the house before she harms you or your son.

She is damaged and wants her dad’s attention (love). There’s nothing that you can say or do to fix things.

IME kids often feel the after effects of traumatic events years afterwards. She probably was happy but reality is hitting her now and she may not realise it. She wants and needs her dad to step up and you need to protect yourself and your son. You should be angry that your h isn’t working and taking such a chilled attitude towards stuff you worked for.

It’s ok to let it go and leave. Life shouldn’t be like this.

You need to kick him out. I really hope you got a prenup to protect your house. Id book an appointment with a good lawyer asap. She is being abusive and he is being passive and Scape goating you .you deserve so much better

He's not working so he contributes some money to bills/food but I spend more than he gives me each month on keeping them both and all the additional financial implications of replacing items, paying for holidays, birthdays, Christmas, clothing the kids all falls to me

Her husband hasn’t worked for years, she funds him and his daughter almost entirely, and has spent pretty much all of her inheritance from her father on this pair of parasites.

I’d take a guid guess that OP paid entirely for their wedding.

That’s before we start on any divorce settlement.

Your idea of a severe financial hit and mine must be different.