Step daughter purposely damaging my property

[TheFunnyGreenRobin]

I left a 20 year abusive marriage. Took a massive financial hit to get out. I started seeing a lovely man who I knew through work. I don't trust many men due to my ex-husbands behaviours.

He moved in Nov 22 a few months after my dad passed. Dec 22 my new husbands daughter (she was 14 at the time) got back in touch they had not been in contact for 15 months due to her mom preventing it. I had met her 2x previously. She started staying every other weekend. Told me I was the mom she always wanted etc. Her home life didn't sound great. In March 2023 things kicked off at home and she was at school scared to go home. School asked us to get her. She refused to go back to her mom's. Her mom applied to court to have her returned and to stop my husband seeing her. The court ruled in favour of her living with us. In that time span, I rearranged our house set up created her her own bedroom, decorated it with her, furnished it, clothed her. She literally turned up with one set of clothes on her back. I supported my husband financially to stay off work for months so he could support her emotionally/mentally. Most of my dad's money was used on supporting him.

We got married May 2024, his daughter said she was happy we were getting married, I have looked back at wedding photos she didn't smile on them. In Aug 24 she started playing up, taking my things, damaging items, paint on furniture/carpet etc. In Oct 24 she asked my husband to take her to her mom's to get some of her belongings. I didn't go but they wouldn't let her in and just gave her a box of books out of the garage. Since then her behaviours have gotten a lot worse.

I bought her a new phone, ordered a case screen was smashed in less than 24hours
She has damaged my expensive hair straighteners
Got paint on her carpet initially covered with rug I found it 2 weeks later
Got same paint on stairs carpet which is how I knew the bedroom carpet had been different.
Burnt a hole in her carpet with hair comb despite me the week before re-educating her not to let it touch the carpet, have bought her a heat resistant mat etc.
She cut clothes I bought her stating she was angry with her mom
Got paint/nail varnish etc on furniture (drawers/bed/bookcase etc)
Wrote on kalkax unit and bookcase then claims she thought there was paper there
Stole my cutlery and painted it with nail varnish
Cut the arm of my sons gaming chair
Takes things out of my desk - even educated her specific pens are mine due to health reasons
Put her own faecal stained underwear just under my sons bed by his pillow - repeatedly denies it yet she was only one left in house on her own during that time period.
Dismantled and threw one of my torches away
Purposely leaves wet urine knickers and sanitary towels in wash basket that I put hand in. When I didn't do washing and her dad put it on an ink pen exploded in my tumble dryer! Stained clothes abd marked the drum/rubber
Stabbed my brand new kitchen worktop with a knife broke the laminate because she is angry with her mom. She has recently done it another 4 times. 3 of them in front of the hob so I cant cover them with a chopping board or knife block as I've done previously. I'm still paying the kitchen off and now need to buy 3 new worktops!!
She has made a voodoo doll of me and stuck pins in it.
Theres more but I cant think of it all right now.

My husband previously took her phone off her due to Sending inappropriate photos/videos on Snapchat.

So back in Oct I was triggered by her to point I started having flashbacks to my exhusbands behaviours. I dream he is raping me (which he did) and my step daughter is just stood laughing. So mentally I have been a mess. My husband encouraged me to see GP for PTSD. Im still waiting counselling. I told my husband his daughter needed to change as I couldn't live like this. It carried on another 5 months each time the damage getting worse. My husband tells me she doesn't mean it, or she's severely damaged and got undiagnosed mental health issues and I should give her time.

My stepdaughter denies the damage or states she doesn't know why she has done it or if we push her enough she'll shout would you rather I self harm or I was angry at my mom. (She has had no contact with her mom since Jan 24 - that was my step daughters choosing.)

Social workers are now involved. But they and my husband are making out my reaction is the issue not her actions. I am at the point of saying my marriage is over. I can't live like this no more. I get palpitations being in the same room as her as she blatantly lies. She steals things from me when I'm not in the house. She damages things then denies it. I shouted when social worker was here the other day about the worktop initially she denied it then said well would you rather I self harm i said no but I dont want you damaging my property either.

She is sly when she takes things out of kitchen. We stopped her eating in room due to finding mouldy food under bed, empty wrappers shoved in drawers with clothes so now she sneaks the food ie crisps up and cuts the top off so we dont hear the rustling of the bag. She stuffs clothes, faecal stained underwear and used sanitary towels back in her drawers. Theres often a smell emanating from her room and I have reached a number of times walking past.

She only damages stuff I buy. Her dad rarely buys her clothes or other items but when he does they are well looked after.

I feel that she is abusing me
Financial implications - she knows she has caused over £2000 worth of damagd but continues.
Mental by lying and gaslighting me stealing my stuff then lying about it and me finding it in her room
Emotional it is causing me a lot of hurt and distress that I recently decorated kitchen and she has stabbed it. It hurts that her anger is directed at me. I was the one who took her in, sat up with her at 3am when she was crying.
Physically I have health issues my joints dislocate so I am often in pain and she knows this and I have dislocated cleaning up mess and repairing items she has damaged just for her to keep doing it. Stress causes pain flare ups and they have been aware that what she is doing has impacted me since Oct last year.

My husband argues she is damaged and trying, how I should give her more time. His comment about the knife stabs on the worktops are "they are not that noticeable" as if that makes it okay. He's not working so he contributes some money to bills/food but I spend more than he gives me each month on keeping them both and all the additional financial implications of replacing items, paying for holidays, birthdays, Christmas, clothing the kids all falls to me.

I am at the point of I'm done. I can't live with this abuse anymore I wake up in the morning scared to discover what she has damaged next out of anger for her mom. I get palpitations when I'm in the same room as her. My husband supports her and says I'm just making myself the victim by holding on to it all and I should just forget what she has done and move forward. But this is my house and my belongings she is damaging. The atmosphere is horrible in the house because I dont want to speak to her anymore. Silence is my way of protecting myself its how I got through my previous abuse. So now I have the blame for his other son not visiting because he doesn't like the negativity. So again my husband wants me to not be affected by what his daughter is doing to my property/belongings and put a smile on my face pretend all is okay so the atmosphere in the house is better.

Am I in the wrong?

You need to see a solicitor and give him and his DD notice to leave. He is a freeloader and waste of space, and his DD needs specialist support that you cannot provide. Also, stop buying her stuff as that’s her DF’s responsibility and you know she only wrecks what you give her.

I also agree with a few posters that I would be worried that she may accuse your DS of something - for that reason alone you need to get both of them out.

She needs a lot of support, and with your history of abuse, you’re not equipped to provide that.

I think you’re making things worse for her actually and I don’t mean that in a critical or judgemental way. You both have needs - yours as a survivor of traumatic abuse - and it’s probably in her best interests, as well as yours, to separate and let her df get on with it.

Have you sought legal advice?

While SS are involved is the perfect place to talk about living arrangements. Your DH is not bothered about how she is treating you because he has no responsibility for providing anything in the house. I would say this is not working, there needs to be something else in place for a while, and since the acting out is directed at you, it sounds safer for everyone if they are elsewhere for a while.

She needs to leave OP, her dad too. She clearly needs help but it's not your job to do that. Why isn't her dad working?

You don't mention how old your son is but he shouldn't have to live with this - neither should you, but he didn't pick them. This isn't a marriage and abuse comes in many forms - your ex-husband was one type, husband and his daughter are another. She is damaged and needs professional help. I would walk away from both of them.

You don't feel safe and secure in your own home. And no wonder. She needs to move out. Go back to her mother and if thats not possible he needs to move out too. I agree she is in need of therapy.

She's obviously very damaged and traumatised. But she can't take it out on you.

I have to say, this is kind of what social workers push when a child is adopted and has been traumatised.
But it's impossible to live with, and I don't blame you for wanting to get out.

This is so stressful ,absolutely awful for you and you cannot continue like this it will make you ill.
You can't fix the daughter but you must save yourself and remove her from your life ,sadly it sounds like your husband too but he is no use in this situation anyway until he accepts what his daughter is doing to you.

She is abusing you.
But so is he by telling you to put up with it or it's not that bad.

Kick them both out.

You need legal advice and get the pair of them out. Don't delay - I'm not sure how long the marriage of short duration period lasts and you definitely don't want to give half your assets to this dreadful man and his equally dreadful daughter. Hopefully, the house is in your name. It's not you - it's them.

You need to get them out your home, you can’t live like this

WTF have I just read? @TheFunnyGreenRobinget those nasty people out of your house immediately. I am completely disgusted by her behaviour and your husbands enablement of it. Get rid. Now. And never look back.

I've already lost £30k in lending him money when he was working, which he promised to pay back. Supporting him when he stayed home when his daughter moved in 2 years ago. He moved in with me in Nov 22, by Dec 22 he said he was taking partial retirement. He worked i think 4 agency shifts before his daughter moved in in the March 23. Then he worked a few agency shifts for 3 months and his health deteriorated and he hasn't worked in 18 months or so . He now gets a little pension and PIP.
I had an ikea loan for kitchen last year I had it changed due to going dizzy bending over when taking food out of oven etc occupational therapist advised I change it ASAP. I'm still half way through paying that loan off. But now the worktops have stab marks in them with the laminate broken so they are going to blow once moisture get into them.
I had loan for car and wedding last year only 3.5 years left to pay on that.

The house purchased by me. No pre nup.

Blimey OP, this relationship is not working for you. Cut your losses now, it will not get better.

You’ve really got to see a lawyer asap. Is it helpful that most replies are saying the same thing or are you finding it a bit overwhelming?

OP how old is your son and does he still live with you?
If you haven’t been able to chuck them both out for yourself then please do it for your son. You managed to get you both out of an abusive situation before which is amazing, you can do it again.

You’re being abused now. Your husband is abusing you financially and emotionally, his daughter is abusing you psychologically and is destroying the home you worked so hard to create for you and your son. Get them out!

Your husband is taking your money and contributing nothing. He’s allowing his daughter to destroy your property and your home. He’s blaming you for all of this, it’s absolutely outrageous! I feel so angry at them on your behalf.

Is there a reason you’re hesitating in chucking them out? Your husband has brought this on himself. His daughter is not your responsibility, she has two parents, it’s down to them to provide for her and deal with her behaviour, not you.

he saw you coming!

Thank you for all that have taken the time to read and reply. I appreciate your input and the varying views and suggestions.

In response to a few questions asked in the replies

My son is 13. I have spoken to him he denies anything sexual has happened which was my original concern. Especially when i went on my laptop and saw her snapchat with masturbating videos of herself sent to various chats, photos of naked breasts taken in my kitchen!. My son told me my SD has said she had been raped by her step father. I told him 3 weeks before finding the pants, also text it him. So when i found the underwear I said if she has touched my son I will never forgive her. My husband finally listened and took her to police station which is what set the ball rolling with SW. At police station SD apparently implied her step dad had touched her in bath then when the special officer came out the following day to take statement she denied it.
I have told police when then questioned me same day, the GP and I've told SS about finding her dirty underwear under his bed. They seem to have appeared when my son was at his dad's when SD was left in house on her own but she is still denying putting them in there.

I have spoken to talking therapies today in crisis they agree I need support ASAP. I told them I cant heal until she is out of my house. I wrote a long enail to SW detailing some of her behaviours, the SW is saying she can't help with getting her out and it is up to husband to carry on with his actions of finding somewhere. He has a viewing next week, I've even asked if him if he could stay elsewhere and he is stating he has no where he can go.

I agree with some replies that I may be actually making her worse as the last few months I've hardly spoken, i am having nightmares and flashbacks in addition to the current behaviours im having to contend with, I'm arguing with her dad often about her behaviours as she denies it so he says what can he do. I've been quiet towards her and hardly spoken. I have shouted out of frustration of not being listened to, anger he never got help for her when I first said I was struggling.

Her mom previously refused to have her tested for ADHD/autism which we high suspect. She has refused to see her mom since January 2024

Regardless of any diagnosis though her behaviours are aimed solely at me/my stuff.

In front of SW she repeatedly denied stabbing worktop. I shouted in frustration and she snapped back would you rather I had self harmed. Then again when asked by SW had she stabbed the side she said no. But that comment would I rather she self harm implied to me she had actually done it. There's actual cuts inside the fridge today they look like they have been sliced by a knife. Which husband confirms he had not seen before and he took a can out of that fridge last night and I had been in the fridge yesterday afternoon.

I feel I have been more than amicable I have told him to take all furniture out of her room as it's all got paint/nail varnish or chunks taken out of it and the carpet. My sons computer chair I'll replace as its not fair he has it back from her damaged. It had to stay in ger room as my husbands son (from a different wife) would also stop over so we needed 2 single beds in the boys room
I'll get new as otherwise they'll just be constant reminders of what she has done.
I feel so stained.

This post says it all !

She, and her father, needs to move out asap and find alternative accommodation. End off!!

This “man” neither works nor parents. What does he actually do? It seems the only things he does is make your life worse and squander all your money. Time for him and his daughter to move out and for you to consult with a solicitor.

Take photos of everything to show the social worker. Especially the dirty underwear tricks etc.

Omg OP I feel so sad after reading your post.
You can't live your life like this! You absolutely cannot and your husband should be stepping the hell up!!!!

For the moment @TheFunnyGreenRobin you need to lock away the kitchen knives. This was advised to us when DS was having a really bad spell and had picked up a knife and waved it at us.

He has ADHD and now has much better medication plus we take a different parenting tack and now it's not necessary in the slightest. He will occasionally threaten but if we ignore him and act like it's boring he will stop.

I think what I'm saying here is that you need to try and stay safe for now as that is the priority.

Where is camhs? What therapy us she getting
Seems pretty simple
She is angry at her mom
You are the nearest thing to mom she can take out her anger on

Get you all to family therapy
Or get yourself away for now
But insist to your husband to get professional therapeutic help
It won't just go away