Feeling Resentful

[PixieDust787]

Hi everyone,
I'm not sure why I'm actually posting this but I'm really struggling atm.

I've been with my partner for eight years and I have two grown up kids from my previous relationship and my parter has four grown up kids from his, we all get on well and there are no issues.

The problem is that we have no kids together and he had the snip before we met. Anyway, he had a reversal about six years ago and bar a chemical pregnancy I've never got pregnant. This was a big issue to me and I found myself resenting the fact he had kids with his ex.

One of my kids had their first baby a few years ago and this seemed to really help me, as both me and my partner became very involved in the child's life - it kind of filled a gap in me I guess.

However, one of my partners kids recently had their first baby and I'm spiralling again!!!!
I KNOW this is my issue and nothing to do with the kids/grandkids, but it's constantly reminding me of the fact there is no bloodline between me and my partner, and I'll never have that with him. I resent the fact his ex got all that and I feel like I'm left with the scraps.

I hate it when his other kids say "So how does it feel to be a real Grandad?" Like FO, he's already a Grandad!!
It feels like they're belittling what me and my partner do have between us and his relationship with his Step- Grandkids.
I also feel like I'm not seen as anything to do with the new baby and all that matters to them is blood. I can't stand it.

I'm resenting all of them atm and struggling to cope with how I feel. It's not as if they've done anything deliberately to make me feel like this, it's just my perception of everything and I don't know how to deal with my feelings.

If anyone can relate in anyway then I'd love some advice etc!

TIA 😊

I agree with her and I'm a SM & technically the first wife....

You are comparing apples & oranges if they met when your daughter was an adult and only knew each other and few years that's just reality and probably a sign that your expectations aren't realistic.

If the ages are younger and he actually raised her it would probably be a different experience.

Heavens, thankfully I’m not.

But what a bizarre response to someone given you even concede “I know how dreadful it sounds”. Yes OP, it does sound dreadful. It is dreadful.

And you can’t even be honest about your children’s ages. Grown up kids in the Op, but now a young teen. And 5 years age difference between siblings became 9 years.

Why sketchy? Because in a later post when you are trying to ramp up how much involvement your boyfriend of 8 years has in your adult kids lives, you say he basically “brought them up”. Whereas this is patently bull shit if they are currently grown up kids!

You just sound unpleasant and you’re going to spoil this incredibly special time for your partner who has became a grandfather for the first time. Get therapy!

The thing is you know it's not quite right, why not speak to a professional about it to help you process all this? It feels a lot like grief. You are grieving for a life you wanted but couldn't have, which could spill out into the life you do have. How you going to feel if the DSC go onto have more kids? It's it going to create more complex feelings?

You say they don't know how you feel but I bet subconsciously it's spilling out in ways you don't realise and the people around you can pick up on it. (And I 100% guarantee the novelty of the grandkids being babies will wear off soon...and they will need babysitters).

With kindness, you need to grow up and act like the middle aged woman you are. You knew the score when you got involved with him and in the subsequent years. Stop trying to use your dd and his and their new young families as a gap filler for you and get a hobby.

Utterly selfish, on lots of levels.
To have a grandchild at 47 you must’ve had your own children young, so trying to bring another one into the mix this late would be wrong for the new baby and your existing children.

I would be delighted if my DD was able to have children as I would love to be a Gran, but that is highly unlikely to happen and it’s not an issue, it’s just a fact. Her partner is an amazing man and he has accepted they are unlikely to have a family.

You are so much more fortunate than them.

That was quite funny to read!

I don't need to explain myself to someone who only commented originally to judge and bring someone who was already feeling incredibly low, down even further.

You know what? You sound like an incredibly nasty, bitter and unpleasant so maybe YOU need some therapy to work through that??

I came here to talk about my current feelings and find some kind of support - I didn't expect to get bashed for being honest. You could just scrolled on by!!

Anyway, im feeling much better about things today, maybe I just needed to vent a little as opposed to letting it all build up?

You have the day you deserve 😁😁

You don’t have a child to ‘bond’ your relationship!!! You have SIX kids between you. OP FGS take a more mature perspective about what a relationship actually is.

And that's all you took from my post?

Thank you for your incredibly useful insight 🙄

Oh dear, I feel for the others involved.

It’s not often I read a thread and think

WTAF

This OP, and the follow up responses, definitely resulted in one of those WTAF moments

OP, definitely some therapy would be good for you.
You definitely do not want an 18 year old at 65, believe me!
Could you be a bit peri menopausal?
It can mess with your emotions and 47 was when it really hit me.
Mind yourself.

Yep. Very immature.

You're not resentful, you're insecure and jealous.

Get some serious therapy.

Blood does make a difference, not in a love way but a link that is unique in its own right.

Also, the GC on your side helped you immensely, I suspect to your DH, it was a 'cute' baby.

His baby having their own baby is a different feeling.

Get help around this oh and your stepchildren, they absolutely know how you feel.

Any specific type of therapy?

Also, is there a name for the type of psychological pain OP is going through?

How long did they take to pass?

What helped them to pass?

OP I hope you’re okay. I’ve tried to PM you but it didn’t work.

Please reach out to me.

My DH has 3 adult children and a new grandchild. I don’t have any children of my own, a life choice but at 42 I’ve recently been having thoughts that I’ve maybe “missed out” on this. However, there’s no thoughts of having a baby now, it wouldn’t be right, the ship has sailed.

Sometimes, because of my internal storm, I look at my DH with his family and feel a pang of jealousy and wish I had that, even though my SC and I have a lovely relationship and I’m considered nanny to the grandchild.

@PixieDust787It could be worth “diving” into the family and seeing how you feel once you do that. I find it helps alleviate my feelings of jealousy which are unfounded and unwarranted. I’m going to therapy from August because I don’t like the feelings I have and sometimes they build up and look like resentment, which I’m sure can be seen and heard in my actions and tone, it could help to seek therapy?

Feel free to DM me.