Feeling Resentful

[PixieDust787]

Hi everyone,
I'm not sure why I'm actually posting this but I'm really struggling atm.

I've been with my partner for eight years and I have two grown up kids from my previous relationship and my parter has four grown up kids from his, we all get on well and there are no issues.

The problem is that we have no kids together and he had the snip before we met. Anyway, he had a reversal about six years ago and bar a chemical pregnancy I've never got pregnant. This was a big issue to me and I found myself resenting the fact he had kids with his ex.

One of my kids had their first baby a few years ago and this seemed to really help me, as both me and my partner became very involved in the child's life - it kind of filled a gap in me I guess.

However, one of my partners kids recently had their first baby and I'm spiralling again!!!!
I KNOW this is my issue and nothing to do with the kids/grandkids, but it's constantly reminding me of the fact there is no bloodline between me and my partner, and I'll never have that with him. I resent the fact his ex got all that and I feel like I'm left with the scraps.

I hate it when his other kids say "So how does it feel to be a real Grandad?" Like FO, he's already a Grandad!!
It feels like they're belittling what me and my partner do have between us and his relationship with his Step- Grandkids.
I also feel like I'm not seen as anything to do with the new baby and all that matters to them is blood. I can't stand it.

I'm resenting all of them atm and struggling to cope with how I feel. It's not as if they've done anything deliberately to make me feel like this, it's just my perception of everything and I don't know how to deal with my feelings.

If anyone can relate in anyway then I'd love some advice etc!

TIA 😊

OP, I really think some counselling would help you work through these feelings. This thread is just going to tell you you're unreasonable (and you obviously know that already). But the feelings are real, and you need a safe space to let them out and work towards acceptance.

Was it an either his kids OR your kids tomorrow? Because if not was, surely you can understand why he would want to spend father days with his children if it was one of the other. Would you want to spend
Mother’s Day with step children,
no matter how close, over your own children if you had to pick?!

I see you've already dismissed therapy but you're missing the point. Therapy can't change the situation but it can change how you feel about it. Because otherwise your feelings risk spilling over and making it worse. Don't just refuse to take action, OP - what other options do you have?

That's a shame for your kids as they obviously see him as their Dad.

My partner is brilliant with my kids tbh as he's pretty much brought them up and is happy to spend time with them as well as his own kids.

I just wish I found step-parenting as easy as he does and I feel awful in how I feel at times 😔

Would it be so terrible if they all spent it together???

I may get shot down here but I do think it’s harder for step mums than step dads.

Of course not

but the pp didn’t remotely indicate that was a possibility

How old are your adult children op?

I'm perfectly happy in my blended family. I have exactly the life I imagined at its core

I wanted the type of marriage I have. I wanted children, grandchildren.

I wanted a home that was full of laughter, that celebrates, spends time together. Holidays the list is pretty endless.

Its like anything in life, no path is set in stone and absolutely nothing is guaranteed.

So maybe the issue is that to many adults life in just aren't that adaptable and when they arent they dont address it properly hence why people feel such negative feelings about things.

You are right. It probably wasn't the best place to vent on hindsight.
I guess people don't understand unless they've been there and so just come here to judge.

Therapy will help you understand why you feel like this op, it will change your mindset and give you tools to navigate when feelings like this may arise in the future as well. I think you'd be doing yourself a big disservice to not consider some therapy.

13 and 22.

I don’t think anyone grows up thinking ‘I Want to have a family, get divorced and then blend my family with other children who are totally different from mine’. Nobody imagines their marriages breaking down; the heart break and trauma that comes with it. You cannot tell me you did.
You can however find a new happy ever after and learn to adapt to a new family life. But it takes time and it takes handling a lot of emotions nobody ever ‘imagines’ happening.
It is not easy, but there can be a lot of love and joy to come out of it.

You can’t help your feelings, OP — you feel what you feel — and sometimes we can’t anticipate what will be an issue for us. I remember, when I desperately wanted another DC, my DH saying to me I could ‘share’ the DC he already had (with his ex). But I didn’t want to share his DC (much as I loved/love them!) — I wanted another one of my ‘own’!
The good thing is that these feelings do (in my experience anyway) pass. And also that you know it’s not logical. I know it’s hard now but I do think the emotions it’s stirred up for you will pass.

and I have two grown up kids

since when is 13 a grown up kid?

Of course not.

I didn't imagine I d have multiple pregnancy losses or bury a child. Or a million other things that have happen as an adult.

But shit happens. The life we envision when we start out is so often pie in the sky.

You either, accept it, or you end up miserable bitter and resentful.

If you cant work through it yourself and you dont get help that's on you as a person.

You are allowing yourself to stay stuck.

Personally from all of the people I know in blended families in real life the people who struggle the most have shed loads of unresolved shit to deal with. They arent particularly secure either in themselves or in their relationships and stepparenting triggers the absolute shit out of them.

And until you figure out why that is well it all just stays the same.

7 and 12 years

so is your daughter 5 years or 9 years older than her brother

and you call your 13 year a “grown up kid from a previous relationship”?

You don’t like “sharing” your husband with his
own children?

Daughter is older. My son is a teenager, I do apologise.

Not really.

What exactly are you trying to achieve by repeatedly commenting on this thread?
What has my 13 year old got to do with anything???
If you've nothing helpful to say then just go away instead of picking at everything I've said and finding fault 🙄

So is she 9 or 5 years older than him?

and is your “grown up kid” actually 13?

Because you said you had two grown up kids

and now you’re being sketchy about the ages because I’m pointing out that he’s been in your life for just 8 years. So there’s even less. And presuming they are actually grown up (and not 13) he sure as heck won’t have raised them.

he must have only know you daughter a few years by the time she gave birth. And you don’t think his current experience will be VERY different for him than a grown up woman he had met for the first time only a few years previously

come on!!

From his perspective, his experience of your daughter (who he’d known. For a few years) having a child will be a WORLD apart from his own daughter having a child

You sound like a scorned ex wife!! 🤣