Feeling Resentful

[PixieDust787]

Hi everyone,
I'm not sure why I'm actually posting this but I'm really struggling atm.

I've been with my partner for eight years and I have two grown up kids from my previous relationship and my parter has four grown up kids from his, we all get on well and there are no issues.

The problem is that we have no kids together and he had the snip before we met. Anyway, he had a reversal about six years ago and bar a chemical pregnancy I've never got pregnant. This was a big issue to me and I found myself resenting the fact he had kids with his ex.

One of my kids had their first baby a few years ago and this seemed to really help me, as both me and my partner became very involved in the child's life - it kind of filled a gap in me I guess.

However, one of my partners kids recently had their first baby and I'm spiralling again!!!!
I KNOW this is my issue and nothing to do with the kids/grandkids, but it's constantly reminding me of the fact there is no bloodline between me and my partner, and I'll never have that with him. I resent the fact his ex got all that and I feel like I'm left with the scraps.

I hate it when his other kids say "So how does it feel to be a real Grandad?" Like FO, he's already a Grandad!!
It feels like they're belittling what me and my partner do have between us and his relationship with his Step- Grandkids.
I also feel like I'm not seen as anything to do with the new baby and all that matters to them is blood. I can't stand it.

I'm resenting all of them atm and struggling to cope with how I feel. It's not as if they've done anything deliberately to make me feel like this, it's just my perception of everything and I don't know how to deal with my feelings.

If anyone can relate in anyway then I'd love some advice etc!

TIA 😊

Don't be so presumptuous.
He doesn't have a clue, nor do they. We spend time with them together and he spends time with them separately - I've never hindered their relationship.
I'm just struggling atm due to this change drudging up old buried issues.

He'll know from your face, tone etc. How you react when his kids or grandkid are brought up. In particular in contrast to your own kids and grandkid.

You've literally said you dont like sharing him. how do you think he doesnt know that.

Possibly how your partner felt about your children’s child. Especially if she had her children a few years ago… your partner would have only known her for a few years by that point.

I mean this in the nicest way possible but how you're feeling doesn't sound normal.

I think you're doing the right thing in keeping your feelings from your DH and stepchildren. It would be unfair to put a negative spin on something so special to them all.

In your shoes I'd look into therapy though, it can't be pleasant for you to live with that kind of jealousy and resentment.

Considering how fuming you are at him having his own grandchildren this doesn’t sound normal or healthy. You can’t just delete a man’s past and have him all to yourself, a father figure for your children a grandfather figure for your grandchildren and then become horrible and passive at his own kids.
A baby never would have fixed that, it likely would have made it worse and I think you only wanted one as another pull to you and away from his biological children.

Op whilst it is positive you are being honest, I have to say that what you describe sounds quite profoundly unpleasant and not normal by any stretch of the imagination.

I think you would benefit from speaking someone professional

I'm not "fuming" at anyone. I'm simply having difficulty in dealing with the change in dynamics that have occurred recently.

You need some professional help, this is not really a healthy way to think, your mind set is a bit twisted, see your GP and ask for access to the talking therapies pathway or equivalent in your area.

You missed the whole point of this post.

All of the internal feelings you are feeling, which are incredibly toxic are routed in your belief that your relationship is less than because you dont have a shared child.

You both already had kids with other people.

Does your relationship with your children's father hold more value than your current one because you had children with him?

You are facing the issue millions of SPs face, you actually are living in a situation that you haven't actually accepted and wished it was a completely different reality.

From your posts I think if you sat in front of a therapist and weren't afraid of being judged I think you say you actually wished they didn't exist as in not his children and that he had them with his ex.

You are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

Get therapy.

I can understand how you’re feeling in some respects.
My husband and I each have children from our first marriages. We also had one together very early on that I sadly lost and I have to accept I can’t have any more as it wouldn’t be safe for me and it’s unfair on my children to risk it.
I find my sc a reminder of his past life and it is hard at times. Especially as my sc decides to ignore me when staying in our house. I have no more feelings towards him then any other child I may see out of the house, a bit like you with your new grandchild.
I think you just have to focus on the positives and remember that you are in his life now not his ex. Their relationship ended for a reason and he is now your partner and it’s about you all coming together to make new memories.
I hope this helps.

You need professional help.
You resent his kids/grandkids because you dont have a child together, but at 41 and a reversal it was going to be diffcult for either of you two. You sound very jealous, controlling & very bitter and you need to speak to a therapist for this and work through your feelings before it wrecks your marriage.

You’re being bitter and a bit weird. I get why. The whole step mum/ second family/ ex partners on the scene can bring out the green eyed monster but you really need to let this go and not let it ruin your relationships.

Thank you so much.

The new baby is so lovely and I do like having cuddles with her but I don't feel like she's my grandchild, I know she isn't biologically, but I thought I'd feel more for her.

Life has been great for years and I genuinely have no issues with my partners kids whatsoever, but this has just churned everything up that I thought I'd put to bed a few years ago!!

I'm sure things will improve and I just need to get my head around it all.
It isn't as though I feel this way permanently, it just crops up every now and again and I don't know how to deal with it x

It honestly isn’t easy being a step parent and it brings up so many emotions you never expected.
just enjoy those good times with your partner and push through the tough times. It’ll all be worth it.

I am many things but controlling isn't one of them. I have never told my partner what he can or can't do, nor have I ever tried to prevent him having a relationship with his kids.

Thank you so much 😊

I wish none of them existed

However, one of my partners kids recently had their first baby and I'm spiralling again!!!!

I resent the fact his ex got all that and I feel like I'm left with the scraps.

you didn’t use the word “fuming” but if this is not you fuming, then I imagine when you are fuming… it is nothing short of terrifying

You get therapy.

It keeps coming up because it isnt resolved and deep down the life you are living isnt the one you really want.

Parts of it are but larger parts the stuff that really binds, isn't.

And until you resolve it internally or leave it won't stop popping up.

I don’t think any of us ever ‘want’ a blended family.
Even years down the line and happily married it hurts to not get the family unit you initially dreamt of. Emotions come up that you never expected to experience. It’s something that we have to continue working on.

Thank you for your insight. You've been such a big help 🙄

I don’t really want to help you and even if I could, I wouldn’t be able to. Someone professional could only help you Op

Therapy isn't really going to help much. It isn't going to change anything.
I just have to carry on and hope that I begin to feel differently as time goes on.

He’s been in your life for a mere 8 years.
so even less for your adult kids presumably. So your partner has known your adult child for what 4 or 5 years before she had her child a few years ago? You honestly think that this is not very different from what he is experiencing now with his own child? Good grief

I understand exactly how you feel op. My ex also couldn’t give a toss about his kids, my dh raised them since they were 7 and 9. They are adults now and adore him. But when it comes to Father’s Day guess what? Despite my kids giving him cards and presents, he only wants to go out with his, not mine.

Of course it hurts.

Your partner raised for your children from young children

this Chap has been the OP’s boyfriend for 8 years. These are adults now. Do they met him in late teens? Twenties.

the OP’s daughter had her child a few years ago but which point she’d have known the boyfriend for 4 maybe 5 years?

i mean really, your situation is very different