Page 9 | DD says she doesn’t want to live here when DSC are around

Alstac · 2025-05-28T15:41:09+00:00

dd is 10 and has just told me she doesn’t want to be at home when dsc are here, says she wants to go to her dad’s instead (who fwiw is useless and barely sees her unless it suits him). she’s very sensitive, always has been, and she just doesn’t get on with them at all. there’s no fighting really but they don’t include her in anything, she feels left out and says she hates how noisy it is when they’re around. she’s an only when they’re not here so i get it’s a lot for her, but it’s upsetting to hear she doesn’t feel at home in her own home. i’ve tried talking to dh about it but he gets defensive and says she needs to learn to get on with them. i get it’s hard for him too but i don’t want dd feeling like she has to leave her home just to feel comfortable. not sure what to do really. just feels like we’re not a proper family and she knows it. anyone been through similar?

steelingmyself · 28/05/2025 21:32

LastPostISwear · 28/05/2025 21:31

Because I’ve been there, and I know what doesn’t work, and I know what helped us to come together as a new family (in my case, time, space, practicing empathy and consideration of one another, apologizing, maturing.)

Show quote history

I think this is actually what the OP asked for…

SnoopyPajamas · 28/05/2025 21:33

Alstac · 28/05/2025 18:13

thanks all – can see i prob should’ve added more info

dsc are 13 (boy) and 11 (girl), they’re here eow and half school hols. dd has her own room, they share. we’ve lived together nearly 2 yrs now, been with dh about 4.

she’s always found them hard to be around tbh. dsd is very full on and loud, dss mostly ignores her. dd’s quiet and likes her own space and routine so it all clashes. they’re not nasty to her but she just doesn’t click with them. we’ve tried stuff all together but dd ends up upset or left out.

not looking to stop dh seeing his kids, obv. i just don’t want dd to feel pushed out in her own home. i don’t think she’s being dramatic, i think she just finds the change too much.

wasn’t expecting her to say she wants to go to her dad’s though – caught me off guard. part of me thinks it’d be easier for her but other part feels gutted she doesn’t feel comfortable here when they’re around.

i don’t think there’s a specific trigger but she’s got more anxious lately in general, probs not helped by all the noise and chaos when they’re here.

i don’t know what the solution is but it’s horrible seeing her unhappy x

I think the answer to this is family counselling.

If your daughter has suggested staying at her father's more, then maybe allow it for a while. It does no harm to show you respect her choices - but if he's as useless as you say he is, she'll soon realise the grass isn't any greener at dad's. Once she accepts there isn't any easy way out of her now blended family, she may be more willing to engage with the family counselling. I'd let her try it her way for a while.

I would, however, insist on the family counselling anyway. Tell her this is a big decision and it saddens you. Tell you want to respect her feelings, but DH and the step siblings aren't going anywhere, and it's not feasible for her to just drop out of the family and avoid them like this. Ten is still quite young - there may be a part of her that thinks your new marriage won't last, and you'll get back together with her dad. You may think she's too mature to think such a thing, but you'd be surprised the secret hopes children can have. It may even be something she's doing subconsciously. She could be holding herself back from warming to her SS, because if she welcomes them in fully, that makes this new family configuration permanent. And part of her isn't ready to accept that.

I'm sure your daughter is a lovely girl, and I'm sympathetic to her being a sensitive girl and wanting her own space. But growing up, she has to learn to balance those facets of herself, to have relationships with others. Not everyone is going to be as accommodating to her desires as her mum. Does she struggle with friendships in general? From the way you talk, it seems like the problems are all emanating from DD? That the step siblings would be happy to all be friends, but she feels triggered by them being around at all? If that's the case, then compromise is the solution here. Everyone needs to do the work and change a little, to become comfortable with everyone else. DSD needs to learn to dial it down a little for DD, and DD needs to learn a little more resilience, to become more comfortable around DSD.

It's not just going to fall into place, but I really think this is your only option here. The suggestions of not living with your own husband, or leaving him altogether, are obviously not going to happen. So family therapy for all four of you is your only real hope. You need an outsider who can see how you're all interacting with each other, and hand-hold you through the discomfort of change.

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 28/05/2025 21:34

Seventree · 28/05/2025 21:25

I don't think you should live with your partner if your daughter is unhappy living part time with stepsiblings. Having a home she feels safe and relaxed in is a basic need, not something nice to have.

Obviously your DH needs to provide a home for his own children too. He can't see them less for your daughter's comfort, they are his children and his responsibility. They should be able to be with their dad as much as they want.

But you can't let your daughter feel so uncomfortable in her own home that she's forced to leave. That's your responsibility.

If it's a choice between what's best for the adults and what's best for the children, they should come first.

Out of interest, is not living with another child that they find annoying and dislike also a 'basic need' if that child is their sibling not their step sibling?

UsernameMcUsername · 28/05/2025 21:37

Must admit that all my sympathy is with your DD. Picture any two random acquaintances you don't particularly like & then imagine having to share your home with them. Your DD has never asked to have any of these people in her life.

Glowingup · 28/05/2025 21:37

Everyone I know as an adult who grew up in a blended family is fine with it and have really good relationships with step siblings. It’s only on here that people say it always ruins your life and never works.

soupyspoon · 28/05/2025 21:37

SnoopyPajamas · 28/05/2025 21:33

I think the answer to this is family counselling.

If your daughter has suggested staying at her father's more, then maybe allow it for a while. It does no harm to show you respect her choices - but if he's as useless as you say he is, she'll soon realise the grass isn't any greener at dad's. Once she accepts there isn't any easy way out of her now blended family, she may be more willing to engage with the family counselling. I'd let her try it her way for a while.

I would, however, insist on the family counselling anyway. Tell her this is a big decision and it saddens you. Tell you want to respect her feelings, but DH and the step siblings aren't going anywhere, and it's not feasible for her to just drop out of the family and avoid them like this. Ten is still quite young - there may be a part of her that thinks your new marriage won't last, and you'll get back together with her dad. You may think she's too mature to think such a thing, but you'd be surprised the secret hopes children can have. It may even be something she's doing subconsciously. She could be holding herself back from warming to her SS, because if she welcomes them in fully, that makes this new family configuration permanent. And part of her isn't ready to accept that.

I'm sure your daughter is a lovely girl, and I'm sympathetic to her being a sensitive girl and wanting her own space. But growing up, she has to learn to balance those facets of herself, to have relationships with others. Not everyone is going to be as accommodating to her desires as her mum. Does she struggle with friendships in general? From the way you talk, it seems like the problems are all emanating from DD? That the step siblings would be happy to all be friends, but she feels triggered by them being around at all? If that's the case, then compromise is the solution here. Everyone needs to do the work and change a little, to become comfortable with everyone else. DSD needs to learn to dial it down a little for DD, and DD needs to learn a little more resilience, to become more comfortable around DSD.

It's not just going to fall into place, but I really think this is your only option here. The suggestions of not living with your own husband, or leaving him altogether, are obviously not going to happen. So family therapy for all four of you is your only real hope. You need an outsider who can see how you're all interacting with each other, and hand-hold you through the discomfort of change.

Show quote history

I agree with this, although not sure if you worded it like this intentionally but it shouldnt sadden a parent that their child wants to have time with the other parent

Unless you meant OP would be saddened by daughter feeling unhappy in the home in which cause yes, that is sad

OP's other thread sets out that her daughter may be on the spectrum, if so then she will struggle and see others perhaps as noisy and distracting and thats difficult in all settings, not just this family set up. She needs support to manage her ability to engage with others. On the other hand perhaps daughter isnt on the spectrum at all and the traits of meltdowns and difficulties at home (not at school) are a reaction to her being with kids she doesnt like at home.

Zanatdy · 28/05/2025 21:39

It seems that it was clear from the start that your DD struggled around these kids, so why did you blend the family? My ex just moved a woman and her 15yr old DS into his home and then wondered why his 15yr old very shy DD didn’t want to go round there anymore. It shouldn’t really be a surprise given you know she is sensitive that she wants to spend time elsewhere. I think you need to let her, unless you’re prepared to end the relationship. I feel for your DD in this set up that she’s clearly never been happy with. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but our own DC have to come first, before relationships and step DC.

ParmaVioletTea · 28/05/2025 21:40

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 28/05/2025 21:34

Out of interest, is not living with another child that they find annoying and dislike also a 'basic need' if that child is their sibling not their step sibling?

Show quote history

Interesting question. I'm interested in PPs responses.

Maybe it's different if there's a "blood" relation ie. one or both parents shared?

NotWorthTheHeadache · 28/05/2025 21:40

LastPostISwear · 28/05/2025 21:31

Because I’ve been there, and I know what doesn’t work, and I know what helped us to come together as a new family (in my case, time, space, practicing empathy and consideration of one another, apologizing, maturing.)

Show quote history

But you’re still one half of a couple that put children through this, more than once. And your decisions, wants, choices then forced children to have to go through the emotional upheaval of getting through the consequences of your actions and having to ‘heal’ themselves and by your own admission they’re still only doing ‘okay’.

If you hadn’t made these choices, hadn’t decided to put your wants first and move in with these children, none of this would have happened.

Yet you’re still here extolling the virtues of blended families when you’ve seen first hand the hurt it can cause. It’s baffling and I think you’re just trying to justify your shitty actions by telling OP and others on this thread that ‘your happiness matters too’… I’m sorry but it’s pathetic and you've obviously learned nothing.

WinSomeandLoseSome · 28/05/2025 21:42

Moveoverdarlin · 28/05/2025 18:17

She’s always found them hard to be around….and you thought ‘yeah I’ll marry him and have those kids my DD hates come and live with us.’

Poor poor girl.

This.

Hwi · 28/05/2025 21:42

Glowingup · 28/05/2025 21:16

No you think children are stupid and can’t pick up on lack of love between parents (even when they act, as you say, ‘civilised’)

Show quote history

You are telling me what I think? Once again, I think adults are stupid.

NotWorthTheHeadache · 28/05/2025 21:44

Glowingup · 28/05/2025 21:37

Everyone I know as an adult who grew up in a blended family is fine with it and have really good relationships with step siblings. It’s only on here that people say it always ruins your life and never works.

And everyone I know, adults and children, that grew up or are in a ‘blended family’ resented it, and some have been extremely damaged as a result.

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/05/2025 21:46

Moveoverdarlin · 28/05/2025 18:17

She’s always found them hard to be around….and you thought ‘yeah I’ll marry him and have those kids my DD hates come and live with us.’

Poor poor girl.

Sorry, but this. Poor girl. Op, I really think you need to live separately - put your DD first - at least for a few years.

soupyspoon · 28/05/2025 21:47

The narrative often on here is that if someone wants to end a relationship for any reason, doesnt have to be abusive, you just might not love your partner anymore. Thats ok, kids or no kids. Kids are often devastated when parents split up for all sorts of reasons, I notice posters on this site pretend to themselves that their kids somehow know that its much better to be divorced if mum didnt love him or wasnt happy.

So much for putting kids welbeing, needs and wants first

The hypocrisy of it!

Ellie56 · 28/05/2025 21:49

And from reading your other thread there are issues at school too?

Your poor, poor little girl.

steelingmyself · 28/05/2025 21:53

NotWorthTheHeadache · 28/05/2025 21:40

But you’re still one half of a couple that put children through this, more than once. And your decisions, wants, choices then forced children to have to go through the emotional upheaval of getting through the consequences of your actions and having to ‘heal’ themselves and by your own admission they’re still only doing ‘okay’.

If you hadn’t made these choices, hadn’t decided to put your wants first and move in with these children, none of this would have happened.

Yet you’re still here extolling the virtues of blended families when you’ve seen first hand the hurt it can cause. It’s baffling and I think you’re just trying to justify your shitty actions by telling OP and others on this thread that ‘your happiness matters too’… I’m sorry but it’s pathetic and you've obviously learned nothing.

Show quote history

No - the OP specifically asked if anybody else had been through similar.

Neither OP or the respondent has a time machine, both have been honest about their failings and challenges. Neither are professing to be mother of the year. A pile on doesn’t help anybody.

GoldPoster · 28/05/2025 21:54

I feel very sorry for her and would in fact leave and live separately. You could still see your partner.

thethingspeaksforitselfresipsaloquitar · 28/05/2025 21:55

CopperWhite · 28/05/2025 16:57

If her dad would be happy to have her, let her do that. Blended families are always difficult, you have to be willing to make compromises. It’s great that your dd has thought of her own solution.

I think this is terrible advice. @Alstac if her father is not going to be meeting her needs then I think you need to talk to dd to explore other options. It sounds as though she is only saying this because she feels so unhappy and she is looking to you to find other solutions, not agree with her that she should go to her father's. If her father were different from how you have described him, if he were more hands on and committed, then the situation would be different. It would be really lonely for her being around someone who doesn't make an effort for her unless they were in the mood.

nocoolnamesleft · 28/05/2025 21:59

So you moved unrelated children that your daughter had never got on with into the safe space of her family home, and now wonder why she's miserable? Your poor daughter. Why do so many parents prioritise their love life over their children's wellbeing?

SnoopyPajamas · 28/05/2025 22:00

soupyspoon · 28/05/2025 21:37

I agree with this, although not sure if you worded it like this intentionally but it shouldnt sadden a parent that their child wants to have time with the other parent

Unless you meant OP would be saddened by daughter feeling unhappy in the home in which cause yes, that is sad

OP's other thread sets out that her daughter may be on the spectrum, if so then she will struggle and see others perhaps as noisy and distracting and thats difficult in all settings, not just this family set up. She needs support to manage her ability to engage with others. On the other hand perhaps daughter isnt on the spectrum at all and the traits of meltdowns and difficulties at home (not at school) are a reaction to her being with kids she doesnt like at home.

Show quote history

Yes, that's what I meant. I'm not suggesting OP should guilt trip her daughter for choosing to spend time with dad 😅

OP has said it saddens her to think her daughter doesn't feel comfortable in her own home. I don't think it would hurt to communicate that to DD. In a responsible way of course. Not an emotional meltdown guilt-tripping a child. Just the reality that this situation is tough on everyone and it's upsetting to see her unhappy.

steelingmyself · 28/05/2025 22:00

thethingspeaksforitselfresipsaloquitar · 28/05/2025 21:55

I think this is terrible advice. @Alstac if her father is not going to be meeting her needs then I think you need to talk to dd to explore other options. It sounds as though she is only saying this because she feels so unhappy and she is looking to you to find other solutions, not agree with her that she should go to her father's. If her father were different from how you have described him, if he were more hands on and committed, then the situation would be different. It would be really lonely for her being around someone who doesn't make an effort for her unless they were in the mood.

Show quote history

I agree - I would do everything within your power to ensure she knows you are listening, care deeply and want to make things easier for her. You need to keep the communication lines as open as you can - spend more time with her. If, from this, she wants more time with dad as something not linked to an escape from the SC, hopefully you can facilitate? I think the two issues need to be separate concerns!

hotchocolatelover1 · 28/05/2025 22:02

Moveoverdarlin · 28/05/2025 18:19

Totally agree with this actually.

Show quote history

Me too. I’m a single mum and the thought of ever having a man live with us, let alone move his children in part time, is a big no.
Not to say it can never work, I’m sure there are instances. But the risk of it not working is too high and too impactful for it to ever be worth it IMO.

Workinginthelivingroom · 28/05/2025 22:02

ParmaVioletTea · 28/05/2025 21:40

Interesting question. I'm interested in PPs responses.

Maybe it's different if there's a "blood" relation ie. one or both parents shared?

Show quote history

A sibling isn't a random stranger that happened to move into your house, it is someone that you've either known since they were born or have been there all your life.

AlorsTimeForWine · 28/05/2025 22:04

SpicedHerbalTea · 28/05/2025 18:16

Whether you’re married or not OP, consider whether this is the right setup for your DD. She’s only 10! A useless father, a step dad, and step siblings are a lot to come to terms with.

Personally I’d have happily lived with my DD in a two bedroom house, just the two of us, until she was ready to leave home. I have a friend who’s doing this with her late-teen DD rather than enter into almost exactly the situation you describe. Big respect to her.

You should always put your existing children first, and I don’t think you really did that when you created a blended family.

Please don’t have a child with your DH and make the situation even worse.

Existing children should always be the priority! I read something here recently saying that a lot of people like to say ‘but children are resilient’, and that in response to this, we should also think that children are delicate, and unformed.

How can your own relationship with your now DH and his DCs ever have overridden your thoughts for your own child?

I know this sounds harsh, but blended families are notoriously complex.

This.

Your timeline to meet and move in is imo really short.
And its been clear from the get go its not working for her.

I dont know what you were thinking to be honest.
Hopefully you aren't ACTUALLY married...

I'd also add to the chorus of "whatever you do dont have another child"

Shds asking for her father just because she desperate snd 10 yrs old (so unable to come up with real solutions). Dont facilitate this especially if he is awful. You are the "good parent" so you are all she has in that respect. She's looking to you to help her fix this.

Very sad situation all round. Your poor DD 😔

steelingmyself · 28/05/2025 22:09

hotchocolatelover1 · 28/05/2025 22:02

Me too. I’m a single mum and the thought of ever having a man live with us, let alone move his children in part time, is a big no.
Not to say it can never work, I’m sure there are instances. But the risk of it not working is too high and too impactful for it to ever be worth it IMO.

Show quote history

“I’m a happily married mum, and I don’t understand the gamble of having children with somebody who obviously you weren’t compatible with or wouldn’t make a good father. It’s daftness on the parents part and asking for advice is useless because the damage has been done. The poor children suffering heartbreak from a split and then having to live alone with their parent, never knowing kids their own age to play with or share their experiences with.”

Open your minds people - every situation is different 😳 The OP is looking for help here…