Page 8 | DD says she doesn’t want to live here when DSC are around

Alstac · 2025-05-28T15:41:09+00:00

dd is 10 and has just told me she doesn’t want to be at home when dsc are here, says she wants to go to her dad’s instead (who fwiw is useless and barely sees her unless it suits him). she’s very sensitive, always has been, and she just doesn’t get on with them at all. there’s no fighting really but they don’t include her in anything, she feels left out and says she hates how noisy it is when they’re around. she’s an only when they’re not here so i get it’s a lot for her, but it’s upsetting to hear she doesn’t feel at home in her own home. i’ve tried talking to dh about it but he gets defensive and says she needs to learn to get on with them. i get it’s hard for him too but i don’t want dd feeling like she has to leave her home just to feel comfortable. not sure what to do really. just feels like we’re not a proper family and she knows it. anyone been through similar?

TomatoSandwiches · 28/05/2025 21:07

LastPostISwear · 28/05/2025 20:49

We don’t always put our child’s wants over “everything” though.

When mat leave is over and mums have to leave their babies with alternate child care, and they’re crying their eyes out because they want their mums… most women don’t immediately quit their jobs and tell their DH that they’re gonna have to make it on one income. They value their careers, sometimes as part of their identities, sometimes for mental stimulation, sometimes as a way of finding meaning in their lives, or as a means of securing provision for themselves in old age through a pension…

When they want to sleep in Mummy and Daddy’s bed instead of their own, but they kick you in the back all night and you get shit sleep, you put them in their own bed.

When you’re deathly ill and it’s pouring down rain and they want to go out and jump in puddles, you tell them “No. I need rest and to stay warm and dry because I’m sick.”

When you and your OH need some time alone, and but DC wants to come on the date with you, you leave them with the childminder and go on the date.

So on and so forth. I don’t believe always sacrificing your own needs and happiness is best for a child. There’s that saying about trying to pour from an empty cup, and all that.

Now, you can certainly take things slowly with a new partner, make proper introductions, try to make sure your DC and DSC get along well and have their own space before moving in together, make sure everyone is putting in equal effort in being considerate of the their new family members, and/or find alternate solutions if none of that is working…But I don’t think it’s good for people to be without companionship, and I don’t think it’s necessary to forgo it entirely for years and years for your children’s sake.

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You can date and have companionship without living together, thosw two things arent mutually exclusive.
You don't have to move an unrelated new man into your child's home at all, ever.
All the things you mention about not always putting a child's wants first are good examples but having a safe, comfortable home is not a want, it's a very basic need for a developing child.It should be the first priority over having a romantic adult partner living with you.

Hwi · 28/05/2025 21:07

Never2many · 28/05/2025 18:15

It’s high time that people started to realise that blended families just don’t work, and that if you split with your child’s parent you should remain outside of any blended family until those children are adults.

Fine to find another part time relationship, but not ok to constantly drag the kids into it and often have more into the mix.

Kids have about ten families these days and are expected to have multiple siblings and step siblings which they never asked to be a part of.

Bravo x 10! But people have gone mad, they are not only behaving in a selfish way, they try to cover it up with lies - 'children are resilient'. Another lie is 'it is better to live with a divorced parent than with unhappily married parents - like children would ever notice unhappily married parents if those behaved in a civilised way.

RisingSunn · 28/05/2025 21:08

soupyspoon · 28/05/2025 21:00

Absolutely this. There is this magical and rather black and white thinking often on this forum that all childrens needs and all childrens wants must be put above everything else. But thats not how families function, particularly where there are competing needs and wants.

Its right to try to protect from extremes but sometimes our children are going to feel upset or unhappy about things and we and they have to work through it.

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I agree that we shouldn’t aim to please our children all of the time.

But as parents - their security should be prioritised (in my opinion) over new relationships.

Especially when they are so young.

2catsandhappy · 28/05/2025 21:08

I would be concerned that the minute she went to her dads, that her step sister would ask to sleep/use your dd room. Absolutely not!
The whole set up needs a shake up. Split a room in two. Or get a bigger house. Or you and dh move downstairs.

Your poor unhappy little girl is crying out for help @Alstac

PrincessScarlett · 28/05/2025 21:09

Your DD needs to come first. And quite frankly, I'm a bit shocked how unsympathetic your DH is to how your DD is feeling. He's being very selfish. He has got everything he wants and doesn't care about your DD at all.

If your ex is happy to have DD more then that might be an immediate solution. And if your ex wants to be more involved you will have to accept that she is not going to live with you 100% of the time.

Did you ask your DD 2 years ago if she was happy to have this set up?

Branleuse · 28/05/2025 21:10

I think you need to spend some decent quality time with her where you listen and don't dismiss her feelings.
Can you book a mum and daughter holiday

Bigfatsunandclouds · 28/05/2025 21:12

NotWorthTheHeadache · 28/05/2025 20:29

That’s not what you’d be teaching her, you’d be teaching her that when you have a child, their needs and happiness matter more than anything. This post makes you sound like so many other selfish mothers who take up with a man to the detriment of their children because ‘my happiness matters too’.

They’re only children for a short period of time and they only have one childhood. By having children it should be a given that you will put their needs and well-being above everything else. If you can’t promise that to your child, you shouldn’t be having children.

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Like I have said previously on this post, I'm happy to remain single whilst my children are young. I'm not ready or willing to have another relationship after the shit show of the last one.

However, I can't help but feel that this focus solely on children's happiness and then being at the centre of everything is not in fact helping with resilience and attachment as we have so many children who fully believe that the world revolves around them, struggle with anxiety and boundaries. Children shouldn't be making adult decisions and whilst their feelings are taken into account, sometimes they just have to get on with it. Your DD may as well hated having any siblings and would be expected to just get on with it.

It's not selfish to want to enjoy life and find companionship and those who are judging harshly are unkind. Everyone deserves happiness in life.

Glowingup · 28/05/2025 21:13

Hwi · 28/05/2025 21:07

Bravo x 10! But people have gone mad, they are not only behaving in a selfish way, they try to cover it up with lies - 'children are resilient'. Another lie is 'it is better to live with a divorced parent than with unhappily married parents - like children would ever notice unhappily married parents if those behaved in a civilised way.

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You obviously think children are very stupid

OhNameHgcaher · 28/05/2025 21:14

Is your DD autistic OP? Jw with you mentioning routine, anxiety and enjoying time alone

Hwi · 28/05/2025 21:15

Glowingup · 28/05/2025 21:13

You obviously think children are very stupid

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No, I think adults are very stupid.

NotWorthTheHeadache · 28/05/2025 21:15

LastPostISwear · 28/05/2025 20:49

We don’t always put our child’s wants over “everything” though.

When mat leave is over and mums have to leave their babies with alternate child care, and they’re crying their eyes out because they want their mums… most women don’t immediately quit their jobs and tell their DH that they’re gonna have to make it on one income. They value their careers, sometimes as part of their identities, sometimes for mental stimulation, sometimes as a way of finding meaning in their lives, or as a means of securing provision for themselves in old age through a pension…

When they want to sleep in Mummy and Daddy’s bed instead of their own, but they kick you in the back all night and you get shit sleep, you put them in their own bed.

When you’re deathly ill and it’s pouring down rain and they want to go out and jump in puddles, you tell them “No. I need rest and to stay warm and dry because I’m sick.”

When you and your OH need some time alone, and but DC wants to come on the date with you, you leave them with the childminder and go on the date.

So on and so forth. I don’t believe always sacrificing your own needs and happiness is best for a child. There’s that saying about trying to pour from an empty cup, and all that.

Now, you can certainly take things slowly with a new partner, make proper introductions, try to make sure your DC and DSC get along well and have their own space before moving in together, make sure everyone is putting in equal effort in being considerate of the their new family members, and/or find alternate solutions if none of that is working…But I don’t think it’s good for people to be without companionship, and I don’t think it’s necessary to forgo it entirely for years and years for your children’s sake.

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You refer to children’s ‘wants’ here… I did not. I referenced children’s ‘needs’ I.e. needs for emotional stability, sense of security, needs for a comfortable and safe home etc etc.

If my child was crying their eyes out consistently going to their childcare, I would find new child care. That’s simply not normal. A settling in period, sure, but not consistent crying over a prolonged period of time. That’s not normal and should be addressed.

My DC regularly slept in my bed for various reasons, and regularly kicked me in their sleep, I put up with it because they’re only small once and being in my bed made them feel safe and loved.

Obviously adjusting activities when you’re sick is normal. As is not letting children outside in the rain to get sick. Again, this instance is a ‘want’ and not a need.

Parents go out, that’s a given. Again, this instance is a ‘want’ and not a ‘need’ for the child to go out on a date with their parents.

Women and men constantly move new partners into their homes calling them ‘new family members’. No, they’re not. They’re people their parents have decided to have a romantic and sexual relationship with and the children need to put up with it and ‘put in equal effort’ to get along with these supposed new family members. Why? Why put this on children? Why not have your relationship and live apart? Why risk your relationship with your child? Why risk their NEED for a sense of safety, stability and comfort in their home for your WANT for companionship and sex? And it’s not years and years… children are children for a very short time. It’s utterly selfish and unnecessary.

steelingmyself · 28/05/2025 21:16

First of all - hope you are hanging in there @Alstac

I’ve filtered back to your two posts…

My tuppence, for what it’s worth as follows -

She’s at a difficult age here, and she’s the youngest, and it’s 2 against 1 (in her eyes probably.). It’s great she’s been able to tell you how she feels - you must listen to her.

I don’t think you need to immediately hit the destruct button on your relationship either.

I’d agree it’s important she isn’t pushed out. I’d ensure she has a decent space, to herself - set up with a tv / decent seating arrangement - everything she needs for if she wants to retreat from the chaos. Ask her what you could do to make her space amazing! When it’s DSCs days at yours - ensure you are prioritising her - check in with her before (anything you’d like to do this weekend etc) - take her out of the madness alone, make special time with her those weekends. Ask if it’s ok to sit with her in her room if she’d rather be doing that. Could she have a friend round for some of those weekends? Could you set up your room as another available space for either SC or DD to be? Make this available to her, let her know you really care that she’s comfortable but not a requirement of her to stay with you.

Everybody doesn’t need to be glued at the hip, especially if they don’t want to be! Your DH could be having the same discussion with his DC before they arrive - they are potentially being extra boisterous and / or attention seeking because they are jostling for position too and want time with your DH alone! If you sort out those basic requirements - in time you might be able to enjoy one another’s company together.

I think the bedroom situation is a ticking time bomb and you will need to do something to address it soon.

I also don’t think it would be a bad thing for her to be spending more time with dad - we’ve not heard much about him really, more context required there too probably!

Glowingup · 28/05/2025 21:16

Hwi · 28/05/2025 21:15

No, I think adults are very stupid.

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No you think children are stupid and can’t pick up on lack of love between parents (even when they act, as you say, ‘civilised’)

LastPostISwear · 28/05/2025 21:18

TomatoSandwiches · 28/05/2025 21:07

You can date and have companionship without living together, thosw two things arent mutually exclusive.
You don't have to move an unrelated new man into your child's home at all, ever.
All the things you mention about not always putting a child's wants first are good examples but having a safe, comfortable home is not a want, it's a very basic need for a developing child.It should be the first priority over having a romantic adult partner living with you.

Show quote history

I was responding to someone who said they wouldn’t pursue new relationships when their DC are children.

Whether you live with your new, serious partner or not is up to you. Like I said, there are ways of doing it that are gentler/slower/more considerate of your DC/DSC, and there are ways that are less so… Personally, my DH and I messed up the way we did it, and it caused a lot of hard feelings in everyone involved, and if I could go back in time and change things, I definitely would. At one point, I did get a flat and stayed by myself while my DSDs were over their DF’s, and that was extremely difficult for me. The intent was come back together slowly, and when everyone was comfortable, to return to being home when the girls were over. Covid and pregnancy really threw a wrench in that plan.

We are doing okay now, though. We got through it and we’re healing.

steelingmyself · 28/05/2025 21:19

Branleuse · 28/05/2025 21:10

I think you need to spend some decent quality time with her where you listen and don't dismiss her feelings.
Can you book a mum and daughter holiday

This is a lovely idea too!

Psychologymam · 28/05/2025 21:20

Alstac · 28/05/2025 18:13

thanks all – can see i prob should’ve added more info

dsc are 13 (boy) and 11 (girl), they’re here eow and half school hols. dd has her own room, they share. we’ve lived together nearly 2 yrs now, been with dh about 4.

she’s always found them hard to be around tbh. dsd is very full on and loud, dss mostly ignores her. dd’s quiet and likes her own space and routine so it all clashes. they’re not nasty to her but she just doesn’t click with them. we’ve tried stuff all together but dd ends up upset or left out.

not looking to stop dh seeing his kids, obv. i just don’t want dd to feel pushed out in her own home. i don’t think she’s being dramatic, i think she just finds the change too much.

wasn’t expecting her to say she wants to go to her dad’s though – caught me off guard. part of me thinks it’d be easier for her but other part feels gutted she doesn’t feel comfortable here when they’re around.

i don’t think there’s a specific trigger but she’s got more anxious lately in general, probs not helped by all the noise and chaos when they’re here.

i don’t know what the solution is but it’s horrible seeing her unhappy x

Would you consider seeing a family therapist/clinical psychologist to explore the dynamics and try identify other solutions? This would allow her to feel like you’re taking her concerns very seriously and working to find a resolution (in a non blaming, non judgmental way) and which might include dad more.

tinyspiny · 28/05/2025 21:20

Well there are two solutions , the one she has come up with which is go to her dads when the others are at home or you and your partner split up / live separately so she can live with just you , harsh but I’m not sure what else the answer is .

Seventree · 28/05/2025 21:25

I don't think you should live with your partner if your daughter is unhappy living part time with stepsiblings. Having a home she feels safe and relaxed in is a basic need, not something nice to have.

Obviously your DH needs to provide a home for his own children too. He can't see them less for your daughter's comfort, they are his children and his responsibility. They should be able to be with their dad as much as they want.

But you can't let your daughter feel so uncomfortable in her own home that she's forced to leave. That's your responsibility.

If it's a choice between what's best for the adults and what's best for the children, they should come first.

NotWorthTheHeadache · 28/05/2025 21:26

LastPostISwear · 28/05/2025 21:18

I was responding to someone who said they wouldn’t pursue new relationships when their DC are children.

Whether you live with your new, serious partner or not is up to you. Like I said, there are ways of doing it that are gentler/slower/more considerate of your DC/DSC, and there are ways that are less so… Personally, my DH and I messed up the way we did it, and it caused a lot of hard feelings in everyone involved, and if I could go back in time and change things, I definitely would. At one point, I did get a flat and stayed by myself while my DSDs were over their DF’s, and that was extremely difficult for me. The intent was come back together slowly, and when everyone was comfortable, to return to being home when the girls were over. Covid and pregnancy really threw a wrench in that plan.

We are doing okay now, though. We got through it and we’re healing.

Edited

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So hold on a second… you’ve already caused a lot of hard feeling by blending children, had to move out, intended to take things slower but messed everything up again? You’re all still ‘healing’ and doing ‘okay’?

With all due respect, why are you giving advice to anyone on ‘blending families’?

siucra · 28/05/2025 21:27

Personally and it’s probably not what you want to hear but it’s time to live separately with just your DD. She needs you and things will never change with your SC, they are who they are. It’s not working. But you have one chance to be a mother. I wouldn’t let her go to her father’s. The poor thing. She needs you. The blessing of a daughter is better than anything.

Pallisers · 28/05/2025 21:28

dsc are 13 (boy) and 11 (girl), they’re here eow and half school hols. dd has her own room, they share. we’ve lived together nearly 2 yrs now, been with dh about 4.

This isn't going to work for much longer. You can't expect a 14 year old boy to share with a 12 year old girl. So that's going to be an issue pretty soon. I wonder if your dd is worried about being asked to share her room with your dh's daughter. I know I would be if I were her.

GingerPussInBoots · 28/05/2025 21:28

I'd leave with my dd, choose her

LastPostISwear · 28/05/2025 21:31

NotWorthTheHeadache · 28/05/2025 21:26

So hold on a second… you’ve already caused a lot of hard feeling by blending children, had to move out, intended to take things slower but messed everything up again? You’re all still ‘healing’ and doing ‘okay’?

With all due respect, why are you giving advice to anyone on ‘blending families’?

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Because I’ve been there, and I know what doesn’t work, and I know what helped us to come together as a new family (in my case, time, space, practicing empathy and consideration of one another, apologizing, maturing.)

TheMasterplan23 · 28/05/2025 21:31

Never2many · 28/05/2025 18:15

It’s high time that people started to realise that blended families just don’t work, and that if you split with your child’s parent you should remain outside of any blended family until those children are adults.

Fine to find another part time relationship, but not ok to constantly drag the kids into it and often have more into the mix.

Kids have about ten families these days and are expected to have multiple siblings and step siblings which they never asked to be a part of.

I grew up in a blended family and I had a wonderful childhood. My home was safe, full of love and wonderful memories. My step dad was (he died recently) the best father I could have ever wished for and my step siblings were always great fun to be around and were closer now than I am to my biological brother.

So although what you’re saying can be right in some cases, not all.

soupyspoon · 28/05/2025 21:31

NotWorthTheHeadache · 28/05/2025 21:26

So hold on a second… you’ve already caused a lot of hard feeling by blending children, had to move out, intended to take things slower but messed everything up again? You’re all still ‘healing’ and doing ‘okay’?

With all due respect, why are you giving advice to anyone on ‘blending families’?

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Presumably because life isnt perfect but people can work their way through things