DD says she doesn’t want to live here when DSC are around

[Alstac]

dd is 10 and has just told me she doesn’t want to be at home when dsc are here, says she wants to go to her dad’s instead (who fwiw is useless and barely sees her unless it suits him).

she’s very sensitive, always has been, and she just doesn’t get on with them at all. there’s no fighting really but they don’t include her in anything, she feels left out and says she hates how noisy it is when they’re around. she’s an only when they’re not here so i get it’s a lot for her, but it’s upsetting to hear she doesn’t feel at home in her own home.

i’ve tried talking to dh about it but he gets defensive and says she needs to learn to get on with them. i get it’s hard for him too but i don’t want dd feeling like she has to leave her home just to feel comfortable.

not sure what to do really. just feels like we’re not a proper family and she knows it. anyone been through similar?

And the step kids won’t be able to share going forward - I’m surprised they still do now at the ages they are. Please don’t say the DSD and your DD are going to be expected to share? Bet your DD is worried about that too. Some serious thinking about future living arrangements is urgently needed here op.

I'm not really sure what difference it makes to a child who is absolutely miserable having to live with their sibling that they've known them all their life?

Poor girl...

Is it possible to live separately from your actual husband and live with your own daughter? She's only 10, at the doors of adolescence. And you've only been with this man 4 years! Can you reverse the situation and go back to living separately?

What a mess.

Because in many cases, while you may not like members of your family, there is an underlying love for them having been brought up together and sharing parents etc. There’s a very big difference.

And as a child growing up in foster care in a total of 7 different homes, I can tell you that most of my foster ‘siblings’ were in care due to step family related issues, including myself. The funny thing is my mum fought for 3 years to get me back, but refused to leave her partner. When it was decided that I’d be in foster care permanent, she ended up breaking up with a few weeks later. And I wasn’t abused by him or his children btw, I just couldn’t stand being in the house with them to the point I refused to come home. For 9 months I’d run away every single day after school and have the police looking for me, until they allowed me not to have to be home anymore. Care was better for me, like the ops useless ex’s house is now better than being at home. And I wasn’t a naughty tearaway, I was a grade a student that was the head of my schools debate team and represented my county at 3 different sports. I just fucking hated my step family and home

Yes, the OP is looking for help and the advice has been overwhelmingly to fix the terrible mistakes she’s made, prioritise her daughter over her relationship and not force this child to live in these circumstances any longer. What’s your point exactly?

Brilliant, thank you 👏

Tough situation, OP. I wonder if you can make some provision for DD to spend a bit more time with her father? Perhaps she'll see that the grass isn't that much greener with him and that would help. Ultimately though I think allowing a child to dictate the way a family functions is a very bad idea. We all have to learn to compromise and find a way of coping with situations we're not thrilled about. We can't all have it our own way. Some of us quiet, sensitive ones grew up with noisy or difficult siblings and we survived. It builds resilience and character. Learning to manage a less than ideal situation rather than run away from it is an excellent life lesson.

Surely, as the step-kids get older, they won't want to stay with you so much? They'll become more independent and want to be in their own home with their own friends around them. I imagine that's only two or three years away. In the meantime perhaps establish some rules or routines that mean they're not so noisy and give your daughter permission to retreat to her room to escape them if she needs to. How are you going to solve the bedroom problem in the next year or so?

Yes, many mistakes were made. But we figured it out, and now we enjoy spending time together. I still don’t think we were wrong for maintaining our relationship and trying to blend the family; as I said, I think parents deserve happiness too. We just went about it completely wrong.

I think my older DSD is still trying to recover from her parents divorce, re-visit and re-evaluate some of the memories she has of me, now that she knows I never hated her, and find herself now that she’s an adult. Younger DSD is probably a bit more detached and hyper independent than a normal teen as a result of being asked to be a go-between for her dad and older sister, but she shows her little sister off to all of her friends and is happy to have her in her life. DD is probably too young to realize anything was amiss, and occasionally mixes up DSDs’ names. DH is glad that he doesn’t have to choose between his the two halves of his family all the time, though greatly misses the older two now that they’re away/busy. I feel a massive sense of relief and hope we can continue to get closer with time. I’d consider that “okay.”

I myself grew up with a step parent, and he did a lot of good things in my life. I love my half brothers, and I’m glad my mother sought out love again.

Living with a sibling is a gradual process as one of the siblings joined the family as a newborn baby and grew into the family gradually. And the elder sibling should be at the forefront of decisions when deciding to add another baby to the family. Not a randomer with their own thoughts, opinions and traditions that had nothing in common other than their parents sex life. Someone will quote me on this and mention adoption but with adopting a sibling, the first child is the very first consideration in a lengthy process.

Many, many of the posts, including the one I quoted, haven’t actually offered much advice at all, other than to berate the OP.

My point was it’s no use posting “Your poor poor daughter”. Some empathy that we are all imperfect mothers with a desire to help one another be better mothers might be a better way to address it. Nobody posting here is perfect…

I've tried to look back at your posts on here but I can't see whether you've referenced whether you are you a single parent?

I actually can’t believe the people on here, who think growing up with a difficult sibling is any way the same as having their mums boyfriends kids move in. I’d post some statistical facts, but I suspect it would be like banging my head against a brick wall. Surely it takes only an iota of common sense to see the differences

For what it’s worth, yes I am a single parent. I separated from DC father 10, nearly 11 years ago. I have had relationships in that time, one as long as over 3 years and never once involved my DC. When I chose to have DC I chose to put their needs above my own, any good parent does. And I wouldn’t ever risk my relationship with DC, or their comfort in their home, for the sake of a man, romantic companionship and sex.

Why wouldn't you have sorted this out before moving everyone together? Why would anyone blame her?

Poor DD. It’s her home with you and she has to have other children foisted on her. I’ll never understand that.

Same, it’s depressing. It’s a statistical fact that children from ‘blended families’ have worse educational and emotional outcomes than those from nuclear or single parent families. I have posted research papers highlighting these facts on this forum repeatedly… but it is like banging your head against a brick wall because ‘my happiness matters too!’

How would you feel if you were moved in with someone you didn't like and you had no control over it?

I hated my step-siblings but thank god we were adults and I didn't have to live with them

And the elder sibling should be at the forefront of decisions when deciding to add another baby to the family.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Funniest thing on this thread. But I'm from an older generation where large-ish families ie 4 DC were the norm.

But, OP, kindly, why did you blend your families if you knew your child found it difficult to be around your DH’s children before you moved in together? I thought you were going to say the three had always got on very well, and this was a new development…?

"Imagine being forced to live with a grown adult man like that plus his two obnoxious children."

I really don't think that's fair. They are also kids who have presumably had their lives upturned as well. The adults in this are fair game but let's not tear into children.

And I wouldn’t be having all the noise and chaos off DSS either. Tell him to button up and calm TF down. He’s old enough to learn how to behave in your home.

My point was that children don’t get a say on whether they have a sibling or not. My (full blood) sons have never got on. They hated being around each other. Should I have put one up for adoption or just never have had a second child in the first place?

Just to say, I do fully agree in this case that a person should have ascertained whether or not the children got along before moving in together and marrying.

It sounds like she's the spare wheel, so an option to try could be to let her have one of her friends around when they're at the house. She will be occupied and their noise etc should bother her less.

Your DH is wrong. All the kids need to try to work it out, its not on your DD to do this on her own! And he needs to do more. I dont know the financial situation but your DH could take them away on his own for a week or so too during school holidays.

Sending your DD a hug. Bless her.

There's no comparison.

In the OPs situation she has chosen to put 'her happiness' over that of her child's.

There was never a need for her daughter to be separated from her half siblings.