Page 7 | DD says she doesn’t want to live here when DSC are around

Alstac · 2025-05-28T15:41:09+00:00

dd is 10 and has just told me she doesn’t want to be at home when dsc are here, says she wants to go to her dad’s instead (who fwiw is useless and barely sees her unless it suits him). she’s very sensitive, always has been, and she just doesn’t get on with them at all. there’s no fighting really but they don’t include her in anything, she feels left out and says she hates how noisy it is when they’re around. she’s an only when they’re not here so i get it’s a lot for her, but it’s upsetting to hear she doesn’t feel at home in her own home. i’ve tried talking to dh about it but he gets defensive and says she needs to learn to get on with them. i get it’s hard for him too but i don’t want dd feeling like she has to leave her home just to feel comfortable. not sure what to do really. just feels like we’re not a proper family and she knows it. anyone been through similar?

Cellotaped · 28/05/2025 20:17

LastPostISwear · 28/05/2025 20:06

Endure being berated?? By whom?

Also, have we not considered that maybe the husband just wasn’t thinking clearly when he said DD just needs to learn to get on with her step siblings? Why are we jumping to conclusions about him being a terrible, inconsiderate, nasty person who’s unpleasant to be around? Sometimes we don’t always see other people’s perspective on things, and when we hear about it, it’s like a slap-yourself-on-the-forehead and say “OH! Duh! Why didn’t I see that before?” type of situation. I’m sure the DH will come around to making changes.

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Bloody hell @LastPostISwear
no words really
Aside from… you and I might as well be different species when it comes to our approach to being a parent and what we want for our children.

BunnyLake · 28/05/2025 20:18

LastPostISwear · 28/05/2025 20:00

She’s said “This situation is wrong and I feel horrible that DD feels this way in her own home. What can be done?” She clearly disagrees with her DH.

The past 2 years is the past.

There is such a thing as empathy and constructive criticism, you know. “You’ve been selfish, you’re putting your DD through all this, your poor child, what were you thinking?!” etc. is not at all helpful, neither to OP nor her DC.

The “right” choice is very much subjective here. We don’t even have all the answers to our pertinent questions.

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Speaking as a single mother I didn’t pursue relationships while they were growing up for this exact reason.

As they say, you are only as happy as your unhappiest child.

chaosmaker · 28/05/2025 20:18

@Alstac you know the solution, live apart

PumpkinSpicePie · 28/05/2025 20:18

Snoken · 28/05/2025 18:05

Oh FFS. Humans can be manipulative, little girls aren’t more prone to that than anyone else. It’s really quite possible that she is just a very unhappy little girl who has finally built up the courage to tell her mum how she feels about living with a step family. OP has said she is and always has been sensitive, she should never have been put in this situation in the first place.

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I agree. I hope that poster doesn't have daughters as she has such nasty views about girls.

Snorlaxo · 28/05/2025 20:20

I’m sure the DH will come around to making changes.

Did you read the same posts as we did?

The stepchildren having to share is a ticking timebomb. Maybe it’s for the best that dd goes to her dad’s so the sc have their own spaces when they see their dad.

someonehastoberight · 28/05/2025 20:20

Can you do things out the house with her on the times they are here ? And arrange some clubs to go to in hols? Or could she sometimes go dads or grandparents?
It’s awful to think she feels so uncomfortable in her own home. But I’m guessing you don’t want to go back to living separately from your dh?

NotWorthTheHeadache · 28/05/2025 20:21

Snorlaxo · 28/05/2025 20:20

I’m sure the DH will come around to making changes.

Did you read the same posts as we did?

The stepchildren having to share is a ticking timebomb. Maybe it’s for the best that dd goes to her dad’s so the sc have their own spaces when they see their dad.

What? And one of the her DHs children have her room while she’s at her father’s? I’m sure she’d love that!

LastPostISwear · 28/05/2025 20:25

BunnyLake · 28/05/2025 20:18

Speaking as a single mother I didn’t pursue relationships while they were growing up for this exact reason.

As they say, you are only as happy as your unhappiest child.

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If, god forbid, my DH divorced me tomorrow, I would not be willing to go without romantic companionship and sex for over a decade, and I would not want my DD seeing me miserable and alone for all of her childhood. I wouldn’t want to set that example for her—that as a mum, your own needs and happiness don’t matter at all.

You feel differently and I admire your resolution, but that’s not for everybody. And that’s okay.

greatyak · 28/05/2025 20:27

This was all obvious and predictable before you got married yet you went ahead and imposed this scenario on your dd.

Why do parents do this? You created this hell for your child even when you knew your dd would not thrive in the environment.

NotWorthTheHeadache · 28/05/2025 20:29

LastPostISwear · 28/05/2025 20:25

If, god forbid, my DH divorced me tomorrow, I would not be willing to go without romantic companionship and sex for over a decade, and I would not want my DD seeing me miserable and alone for all of her childhood. I wouldn’t want to set that example for her—that as a mum, your own needs and happiness don’t matter at all.

You feel differently and I admire your resolution, but that’s not for everybody. And that’s okay.

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That’s not what you’d be teaching her, you’d be teaching her that when you have a child, their needs and happiness matter more than anything. This post makes you sound like so many other selfish mothers who take up with a man to the detriment of their children because ‘my happiness matters too’.

They’re only children for a short period of time and they only have one childhood. By having children it should be a given that you will put their needs and well-being above everything else. If you can’t promise that to your child, you shouldn’t be having children.

TheBoomingVoiceofExperience · 28/05/2025 20:30

OP could you do something like go away with DD/visit family for one weekend the DSC are with you and then she goes to her dads the other weekend? Then she only needs to deal with holidays which might take some pressure off. Could do a similar deal for holidays too.

RisingSunn · 28/05/2025 20:32

LastPostISwear · 28/05/2025 20:25

If, god forbid, my DH divorced me tomorrow, I would not be willing to go without romantic companionship and sex for over a decade, and I would not want my DD seeing me miserable and alone for all of her childhood. I wouldn’t want to set that example for her—that as a mum, your own needs and happiness don’t matter at all.

You feel differently and I admire your resolution, but that’s not for everybody. And that’s okay.

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But there is a middle ground - as a previous poster suggested. You don't have to move the man into your young child's home.

You don't sacrifice your child's well-being for for your own wants (speaking on the OPs scenario).

Cellotaped · 28/05/2025 20:34

LastPostISwear · 28/05/2025 20:25

If, god forbid, my DH divorced me tomorrow, I would not be willing to go without romantic companionship and sex for over a decade, and I would not want my DD seeing me miserable and alone for all of her childhood. I wouldn’t want to set that example for her—that as a mum, your own needs and happiness don’t matter at all.

You feel differently and I admire your resolution, but that’s not for everybody. And that’s okay.

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Given your other thread @LastPostISwear …. Its not out of the realms of possibility you won’t divorce your DH given how you speak about him

Scarfitwere · 28/05/2025 20:39

Moveoverdarlin · 28/05/2025 18:36

You’ve been together 4 years - this problem should have been sorted about three and a half years ago. If she’s always been a sensitive soul and never really been comfortable around them…why on earth did you progress the relationship??

I would have said to this bloke you were dating 3.5 years ago. ‘Look my 6 year old daughter comes first, she’s a sensitive little thing and the very last thing I want to do is screw her up. Your children are just too much for her, she isn’t comfortable around them. Your son ignores her and your DD is so loud and domineering. Let’s just see each other and leave the kids out of it. I can’t have my little girl unhappy in her own home, moving in together is a complete no-no. Let’s keep two houses and see how it goes’.

Edited

This. The poor daughter. Why are some people so incredibly selfish just wanting 'a man' and putting their poor kids second.

Scarfitwere · 28/05/2025 20:42

LastPostISwear · 28/05/2025 20:25

If, god forbid, my DH divorced me tomorrow, I would not be willing to go without romantic companionship and sex for over a decade, and I would not want my DD seeing me miserable and alone for all of her childhood. I wouldn’t want to set that example for her—that as a mum, your own needs and happiness don’t matter at all.

You feel differently and I admire your resolution, but that’s not for everybody. And that’s okay.

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You can have all these things....you don't have to bloody live together along with whatever children/baggage this new man might have in tow!

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 28/05/2025 20:43

Never2many · 28/05/2025 18:15

It’s high time that people started to realise that blended families just don’t work, and that if you split with your child’s parent you should remain outside of any blended family until those children are adults.

Fine to find another part time relationship, but not ok to constantly drag the kids into it and often have more into the mix.

Kids have about ten families these days and are expected to have multiple siblings and step siblings which they never asked to be a part of.

This.

You chose to bring these people into your home @Alstac , your daughter didn't.

Now you get to choose what you do next. Choose carefully.

LastPostISwear · 28/05/2025 20:49

NotWorthTheHeadache · 28/05/2025 20:29

That’s not what you’d be teaching her, you’d be teaching her that when you have a child, their needs and happiness matter more than anything. This post makes you sound like so many other selfish mothers who take up with a man to the detriment of their children because ‘my happiness matters too’.

They’re only children for a short period of time and they only have one childhood. By having children it should be a given that you will put their needs and well-being above everything else. If you can’t promise that to your child, you shouldn’t be having children.

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We don’t always put our child’s wants over “everything” though.

When mat leave is over and mums have to leave their babies with alternate child care, and they’re crying their eyes out because they want their mums… most women don’t immediately quit their jobs and tell their DH that they’re gonna have to make it on one income. They value their careers, sometimes as part of their identities, sometimes for mental stimulation, sometimes as a way of finding meaning in their lives, or as a means of securing provision for themselves in old age through a pension…

When they want to sleep in Mummy and Daddy’s bed instead of their own, but they kick you in the back all night and you get shit sleep, you put them in their own bed.

When you’re deathly ill and it’s pouring down rain and they want to go out and jump in puddles, you tell them “No. I need rest and to stay warm and dry because I’m sick.”

When you and your OH need some time alone, and but DC wants to come on the date with you, you leave them with the childminder and go on the date.

So on and so forth. I don’t believe always sacrificing your own needs and happiness is best for a child. There’s that saying about trying to pour from an empty cup, and all that.

Now, you can certainly take things slowly with a new partner, make proper introductions, try to make sure your DC and DSC get along well and have their own space before moving in together, make sure everyone is putting in equal effort in being considerate of the their new family members, and/or find alternate solutions if none of that is working…But I don’t think it’s good for people to be without companionship, and I don’t think it’s necessary to forgo it entirely for years and years for your children’s sake.

bluecurtains14 · 28/05/2025 20:49

Tricky as he is DH not DP, but as you have no joint children together I'd put her first and reconsider the relationship. The happiness of the adults in blended families is usually at the expense of the happiness of at least one of the kids.

lisaolay · 28/05/2025 20:56

Alstac · 28/05/2025 18:13

thanks all – can see i prob should’ve added more info

dsc are 13 (boy) and 11 (girl), they’re here eow and half school hols. dd has her own room, they share. we’ve lived together nearly 2 yrs now, been with dh about 4.

she’s always found them hard to be around tbh. dsd is very full on and loud, dss mostly ignores her. dd’s quiet and likes her own space and routine so it all clashes. they’re not nasty to her but she just doesn’t click with them. we’ve tried stuff all together but dd ends up upset or left out.

not looking to stop dh seeing his kids, obv. i just don’t want dd to feel pushed out in her own home. i don’t think she’s being dramatic, i think she just finds the change too much.

wasn’t expecting her to say she wants to go to her dad’s though – caught me off guard. part of me thinks it’d be easier for her but other part feels gutted she doesn’t feel comfortable here when they’re around.

i don’t think there’s a specific trigger but she’s got more anxious lately in general, probs not helped by all the noise and chaos when they’re here.

i don’t know what the solution is but it’s horrible seeing her unhappy x

My DD changed at around 10 and wouldn’t tolerate things she did in the past. Like her dad and step mother arguing which I didn’t know about so she doesn’t sleep there now. Think you just have to put your DD first but it’s a hard one.

Namerequired · 28/05/2025 20:57

How often does she see her dad? If it’s only eow your sc are there then why can’t she be with her dad then? If yous are pushing the whole one family/siblings thing it’s not working.

Cherrysoup · 28/05/2025 20:58

I find it surprising that you would do this. If, one would hope, your relationship is to last, then I kind of see why you’d be thinking of long term, your dd will eventually move out, but she may well just leave when she can and never come back. It does seem, unfortunately, that your relationship with your Dh has taken precedence here to the detriment of your dd, especially given you knew how she felt.

soupyspoon · 28/05/2025 21:00

LastPostISwear · 28/05/2025 20:49

We don’t always put our child’s wants over “everything” though.

When mat leave is over and mums have to leave their babies with alternate child care, and they’re crying their eyes out because they want their mums… most women don’t immediately quit their jobs and tell their DH that they’re gonna have to make it on one income. They value their careers, sometimes as part of their identities, sometimes for mental stimulation, sometimes as a way of finding meaning in their lives, or as a means of securing provision for themselves in old age through a pension…

When they want to sleep in Mummy and Daddy’s bed instead of their own, but they kick you in the back all night and you get shit sleep, you put them in their own bed.

When you’re deathly ill and it’s pouring down rain and they want to go out and jump in puddles, you tell them “No. I need rest and to stay warm and dry because I’m sick.”

When you and your OH need some time alone, and but DC wants to come on the date with you, you leave them with the childminder and go on the date.

So on and so forth. I don’t believe always sacrificing your own needs and happiness is best for a child. There’s that saying about trying to pour from an empty cup, and all that.

Now, you can certainly take things slowly with a new partner, make proper introductions, try to make sure your DC and DSC get along well and have their own space before moving in together, make sure everyone is putting in equal effort in being considerate of the their new family members, and/or find alternate solutions if none of that is working…But I don’t think it’s good for people to be without companionship, and I don’t think it’s necessary to forgo it entirely for years and years for your children’s sake.

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Absolutely this. There is this magical and rather black and white thinking often on this forum that all childrens needs and all childrens wants must be put above everything else. But thats not how families function, particularly where there are competing needs and wants.

Its right to try to protect from extremes but sometimes our children are going to feel upset or unhappy about things and we and they have to work through it.

HuskyNew · 28/05/2025 21:03

Is EOW every other WEEK or WEEKEND?

makes a huge difference.

if it’s EoWeekend I think you should do what pp suggested - basically take her away from them. Visit your family, take up hobbies together, go on day trips just the 2 of you. Leave DH to deal with his kids separately. Maybe come back together for a Sunday night dinner and have a tradition of games or fish & chips or whatever everyone likes and can see as a treat.

if it’s EoWEEK you’ve got a much bigger problem and really if you don’t want to lose your daughter you probably need to split up / live separately

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 28/05/2025 21:04

i’ve tried talking to dh about it but he gets defensive and says she needs to learn to get on with them. i get it’s hard for him too but i don’t want dd feeling like she has to leave her home just to feel comfortable.

Well it's not surprising he's defensive about it. What do you expect him to to do? He's not going to stop having his children over, is he? They probably resent your DD for having more time with their dad than they do, as it is. I know you say she shouldn't have to leave her own home in order to feel comfortable, but there isn't really another workable solution, is there?

If they are there EOW then why don't you just take your DD out somewhere on your own for large chunks of the time? Go shopping, the cinema, swimming, visit her grandparents, or see if she can arrange to sleep over with a friend or cousins, or stay with her dad as she's asked to do?

I'm sure the step children won't care whether she's there or not, by the sounds of things. In fact they might be happier too. They are there to see their dad, nothing more. I don't think parents should try to force friendships in blended families. It never ends well. Leave your partner to spend quality time with his children and you and DD remove yourself and do something nice together. Or sometimes your DH should take his kids out and leave the two of you at home. There is no law that says you should all be doing stuff together the whole time they are there. And she has her own room anyway, so she's free to go to it the rest of the time, when you can't always be out of the house doing something.

sideeyes · 28/05/2025 21:05

Why oh why do parents insist on blended families at the expense of their own kids? Baffles me every time