DD says she doesn’t want to live here when DSC are around

[Alstac]

dd is 10 and has just told me she doesn’t want to be at home when dsc are here, says she wants to go to her dad’s instead (who fwiw is useless and barely sees her unless it suits him).

she’s very sensitive, always has been, and she just doesn’t get on with them at all. there’s no fighting really but they don’t include her in anything, she feels left out and says she hates how noisy it is when they’re around. she’s an only when they’re not here so i get it’s a lot for her, but it’s upsetting to hear she doesn’t feel at home in her own home.

i’ve tried talking to dh about it but he gets defensive and says she needs to learn to get on with them. i get it’s hard for him too but i don’t want dd feeling like she has to leave her home just to feel comfortable.

not sure what to do really. just feels like we’re not a proper family and she knows it. anyone been through similar?

I think it’s fair enough OP if her Dad can provide a quiet stable home and that’s what she wants and needs.

It’s your choice of partner and family and your own expectations, but she’s had no say until now. It seems like she’s done her best to make it work for many years, I don’t think you can expect more from her.

It is hard for you, but obviously need to put her needs first, which means supporting her decision unless - there are specific reasons she can’t be with her Dad.

All that sort of attitude taught me was that adults didn't have my back and there was no-one to provide help. As a result, my mother now complains I'm too independent and doesn't understand why I don't share feelings with her. I call it toxic resilience but it works for me.

I do wonder if looking at a new home, where there might be more space, might help the situation. The two step-children really need their own spaces anyway at this point. The house seems unsuitable and one where the needs of all the children can be met might be more sensible.

What's unreasonable about her going to her dad whenever the other kids are with their dad? However 'rubbish' he might be, he's still her parent and it's about time he stepped up.

Unbelievable. Sad and desperate.

Nah mate. That’s just being human

I don't think it's a problem. It sounds like a pretty normal kind of visitation schedule to me anyway.

Agree. Mothers matter too and I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting the companionship of a partner. I do think that if it's going to be to the detriment of your child then you have a duty to them not to go with that particular partner. That's something you took on when you brought them into the world. In this case though, there seem to be solutions. I suggest a more suitable home (that includes separate rooms for the stepchildren, who really need that now) or letting the father step up more. The proposed time with the father is perfectly normal anyway, so it's just 'his time'.

@XelaM If you pander to all the feelings that kids may possibly get you're just creating anxious adults who can't function in the real world where people aren't perfect and she would have to be able to find ways to get on with many of them at work/uni etc.

This is dumb, if I had to live with two unrelated people I had not chosen I would be stressed as fuck. In the "real world" people use home as a sanctuary from the stress we have to endure at work and uni.

They're older than her too. That's really tough.

Gosh @Danioyellow that sounds so hard, I'm sorry.

But you also don't choose your biological family or your siblings who you may or may not get on with (I only like mine now that we're both adults but definitely didn't like him as a kid)

Yet another poster reducing marriage to dick

@Alstac I hope you haven't left due to some harsh responses on here.

EOW does that mean eow week-end or week? It's a huge difference. If it's week-end then surely it's manageable by your daughter going to her father/gp/ you taking her out for activuties just the two of you. If it's week then it's trickier ofcourse. Also the sdc can not be expected to continue to share a room due to puberty and different sexes so how are you going to solve that?

Says the poster starting threads about wanting to f*ck her colleague

@LastPostISwear do you ever ask yourself on these threads… why am I pretty much the only person out of hundreds arguing this point? Or you just plough on regardless and then shuffle off eventually?

Maybe allow her to go to her Dad's every other time DSC come. Also, don't expect her to spend the whole time together when they do visit. It's nice for all children to have one to one time with each parent. Maybe you and DD go out shopping for a while? Tbh I think divorced parents expect too much of children when a whole new family invades their lives. Mumsnetters are forever complaining about in laws invading their lives but expect kids to take it on the chin. I couldn't stand my sister growing up, especially the dynamic with her and my parents. I was so much happier when she left for university.

What's the point in wearing a seatbelt when you could get hit by a bus crossing the road or drop dead from a heart attack anyway...

Good parents don't ignore their children's emotional needs just because adult life is going to be tough anyway. Resilience is not built by being made to feel uncomfortable, unhappy and unsupported.

To be honest I was glad to. My ex had a very high sex drive and I was, (and still am), glad to be able to just go to bed on my own, or even just mooch around the house, in peace. I’ve no desire at all for another relationship (been there, done that too many times). I am probably in the minority though but I really value my single status.

Having to live with a ‘full-on’ child would be my idea of personal hell. Your poor DD

Thanks to everyone on this thread for being so nasty and short sighted that the @Alstacis probably never coming back and won’t be able to find ANY help advice or understanding in this shit show of a thread where, as usual, the higher than mighty ‘I’d never be a step mum’ crowd have piled on, bullied and just been downright nasty. @MNcan you do something to make this board a safer place??? Because Mn is totally horrid for step parents . This is not AIBU …

How do you know that the OP won’t be back because you regard the responses as not helpful

whereas really it boils down to… prioritise your young child op who has made her unhappiness clear from the very outset

Because Mn is totally horrid for step parents

did you read the Op? The OP is this child’s mother

Make sure that DD has a lock on the inside of her door.
Ask DH to take his children out for special time for a while every day and you and DD do the same.
Is there a sports club or a bush bike track nearby?
Decrease the all together time spent.

Teach all kids to respect the quiet serene tone of your indoor spaces - especially lounge room and bedrooms; leave the noise for outside and the living room.

Your DD will get used to reasonable extra noise every two weeks. .

If she has never got on with them, why did you blend the family?

Likes quiet, routine and own space - she sounds like my dd who was recently diagnosed as autistic. Maybe try some noise cancelling head phones for her