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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DD says she doesn’t want to live here when DSC are around

472 replies

Alstac · 28/05/2025 16:41

dd is 10 and has just told me she doesn’t want to be at home when dsc are here, says she wants to go to her dad’s instead (who fwiw is useless and barely sees her unless it suits him).

she’s very sensitive, always has been, and she just doesn’t get on with them at all. there’s no fighting really but they don’t include her in anything, she feels left out and says she hates how noisy it is when they’re around. she’s an only when they’re not here so i get it’s a lot for her, but it’s upsetting to hear she doesn’t feel at home in her own home.

i’ve tried talking to dh about it but he gets defensive and says she needs to learn to get on with them. i get it’s hard for him too but i don’t want dd feeling like she has to leave her home just to feel comfortable.

not sure what to do really. just feels like we’re not a proper family and she knows it. anyone been through similar?

OP posts:
LastPostISwear · 28/05/2025 23:43

howshouldibehave · 28/05/2025 22:52

she’s always found them hard to be around tbh. dsd is very full on and loud, dss mostly ignores her. dd’s quiet and likes her own space and routine so it all clashes

So. You decided to put your sex life ahead of your daughter's feelings and moves her in with people she doesn't want to be around, and now you're astonished that she's not happy.

I find situations like this really hard to empathise with.

Why is a whole marriage being reduced to a “sex life”

Flyswats · 28/05/2025 23:45

LastPostISwear · 28/05/2025 23:43

Why is a whole marriage being reduced to a “sex life”

Show quote history

because this is MN where everything gets reduced or polarized in some narrow way.

Here4thechocs · 28/05/2025 23:45

SpicedHerbalTea · 28/05/2025 18:16

Whether you’re married or not OP, consider whether this is the right setup for your DD. She’s only 10! A useless father, a step dad, and step siblings are a lot to come to terms with.

Personally I’d have happily lived with my DD in a two bedroom house, just the two of us, until she was ready to leave home. I have a friend who’s doing this with her late-teen DD rather than enter into almost exactly the situation you describe. Big respect to her.

You should always put your existing children first, and I don’t think you really did that when you created a blended family.

Please don’t have a child with your DH and make the situation even worse.

Existing children should always be the priority! I read something here recently saying that a lot of people like to say ‘but children are resilient’, and that in response to this, we should also think that children are delicate, and unformed.

How can your own relationship with your now DH and his DCs ever have overridden your thoughts for your own child?

I know this sounds harsh, but blended families are notoriously complex.

Okay, but how does OP solve the issue at hand , seeing as you’ve listed everything she’s done wrong?

LunaDeBallona · 28/05/2025 23:47

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 28/05/2025 23:36

I actually find it appalling a teenage boy has to share his room with his 11 yo sister.

I don’t think the dh is wrong, I think it’s nuts they moved in together after two years!

This can’t be fun for any of the kids. His kids only see their dad 4 days a month.

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I agree. It’s a shit show all round.
Too many kids in too small a house, their needs not considered but hey! The ‘adults’ want to be together. Terribly sad for the kids whose needs were utterly secondary.

LastPostISwear · 28/05/2025 23:47

latetothefisting · 28/05/2025 23:09

"just feels like we’re not a proper family"

because you're not. From her perspective YOU are her family and you decided to bring 3 random strangers, at least 2 of which she doesn't like much and has little in common with, to her safe space.

How would you feel if the government decided every household had to take in 3 refugees, you had no input into who they were, but you had to share your space with these 3 randoms for the next decade? Would you feel like they were your family?

You can't just say 'we're a family now' and expect her feelings to reprogram automatically like a little robot.

They aren’t random strangers. I presume OP had all the children meet and spend time together before even getting married, let alone sharing a living space. They were together for 2 years before the marriage, and it’s been 2 years since then; they’re probably pretty familiar with one another.

Workinginthelivingroom · 28/05/2025 23:56

ParmaVioletTea · 28/05/2025 22:40

And the elder sibling should be at the forefront of decisions when deciding to add another baby to the family.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Funniest thing on this thread. But I'm from an older generation where large-ish families ie 4 DC were the norm.

I said should be. You disagree and think that having as many DC as possible is more important than considering the wellbeing of your existing children?

Supersimkin7 · 28/05/2025 23:58

Deranged. Fact checks:

  1. A 10 yr old doesn’t get to make major life decisions for the whole family. Or where she lives.
  2. Divorcing DH cos the little girl doesn’t yet like her older DSSiblings who visit will screw her up.
  3. DD is not the only human being with feelings in OP’s house. Or the most important.
  4. Can you try doing things together that everyone likes? Of course there’s a big age gap, but you’re bound to find something.
  5. Not liking visiting step siblings isn’t a cause for trauma. It’s a trigger for everyone to work to improve visits.
outerspacepotato · 29/05/2025 00:00

"People have safety, stability, comfort, and familiar relationships within blended families all the time."

Some do. Many don't.

For a lot of the kids in mangled families like this, they lose stability and comfort for years, maybe forever. Here, a 10 year old girl is so miserable she wants to leave her home. The mom is just as useless as the dad because neither are thinking hey, what's the best thing for my kid. You know this girl is going to leave home as soon as she can and be vulnerable to all sorts of bad life events because she's going to be looking for something she hasn't had in a long time, security and stability.

They've got a teen boy sharing a room with his slightly younger sister because they don't have room for blending families.

There is no safety or stability or comfort in this family.

nomas · 29/05/2025 00:08

Surely you knew the kids didn’t get along before you married him?

Your priority should be your daughter. Instead you bought strangers into her home that she doesn’t get on with.

I would rather leave DH than have my DD leave her home.

NotWorthTheHeadache · 29/05/2025 00:08

Supersimkin7 · 28/05/2025 23:58

Deranged. Fact checks:

  1. A 10 yr old doesn’t get to make major life decisions for the whole family. Or where she lives.
  2. Divorcing DH cos the little girl doesn’t yet like her older DSSiblings who visit will screw her up.
  3. DD is not the only human being with feelings in OP’s house. Or the most important.
  4. Can you try doing things together that everyone likes? Of course there’s a big age gap, but you’re bound to find something.
  5. Not liking visiting step siblings isn’t a cause for trauma. It’s a trigger for everyone to work to improve visits.

Some fact checks right back at you:

  1. This 10 year old is not making decisions for the whole family. She has asked to spend more of HER time with her father because she’s not happy in her mother’s home.
  2. Staying with an unfeeling, unempathetic man and his chaotic and dismissive children will screw her up
  3. DD should be the most important human being in the house to her mother.
  4. There isn’t a big age gap at all. There is an incompatibility of personalities
  5. Not liking ‘step siblings’ is absolutely a cause for trauma and this child should not have to work to improve visits of children to her home who have been forced on her and clearly make her uncomfortable

There, I fixed all that for you 👍

LastPostISwear · 29/05/2025 00:10

OP is here looking for solutions to help her DD. That’s trying to do the best for her child.

It’s every other weekend and school holidays. DD’s not thinking of leaving home for her DF’s house permanently, or even for a majority of the time, from my understanding.

She’s not unsafe; she’s just stressed out because her siblings are noisy, and she might possibly be autistic (from OPs other thread.).

I’m not sure what about this arrangement is “unstable?” The parents are married and have been living together, and they have a set visitation schedule. There’d be a lot more instability if OP suddenly moved her and DD out of the house, or if an adult in her life was suddenly moved out.

They do definitely need to separate DSD and DSS, either by moving into a bigger home or creating separate rooms in their current home.

SemperIdem · 29/05/2025 00:20

Flyswats · 28/05/2025 23:45

because this is MN where everything gets reduced or polarized in some narrow way.

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Especially so if you’re someone whose primary relationship unfortunately failed and you’ve had the absolute audacity not to behave as though you’re a husk of a human until all the children are 45 years of age before living with someone new.

Yes, blended families can be challenging, especially if there are very different expectations between houses.

However, nuclear families can be just as challenging. Siblings, full, half, step - they can, and do, all have their struggles.

nomas · 29/05/2025 00:22

LastPostISwear · 29/05/2025 00:10

OP is here looking for solutions to help her DD. That’s trying to do the best for her child.

It’s every other weekend and school holidays. DD’s not thinking of leaving home for her DF’s house permanently, or even for a majority of the time, from my understanding.

She’s not unsafe; she’s just stressed out because her siblings are noisy, and she might possibly be autistic (from OPs other thread.).

I’m not sure what about this arrangement is “unstable?” The parents are married and have been living together, and they have a set visitation schedule. There’d be a lot more instability if OP suddenly moved her and DD out of the house, or if an adult in her life was suddenly moved out.

They do definitely need to separate DSD and DSS, either by moving into a bigger home or creating separate rooms in their current home.

They’re not ‘siblings’. They’re about as far from siblings as you can get.

You have minimised just how awful it must be for OP’s DD to be an interloper in her own home.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 29/05/2025 00:24

LastPostISwear · 28/05/2025 23:47

They aren’t random strangers. I presume OP had all the children meet and spend time together before even getting married, let alone sharing a living space. They were together for 2 years before the marriage, and it’s been 2 years since then; they’re probably pretty familiar with one another.

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2 years is nothing. Do you actually think that’s a reasonable amount of time to move someone in???

LastPostISwear · 29/05/2025 00:32

nomas · 29/05/2025 00:22

They’re not ‘siblings’. They’re about as far from siblings as you can get.

You have minimised just how awful it must be for OP’s DD to be an interloper in her own home.

Edited
Show quote history

Step siblings. There are definitely human relationships that are a lot further from that of siblings.

I’m not minimizing it. There’s definitely a problem her and DD’s feelings and need should be better considered. But she’s not unsafe.

@Princessconsuelabananahammock9 Honestly I have no idea what an adequate timeframe to move step siblings in together; I don’t have experience with that in particular. I suppose that’s dependent on how much time they’ve spent together, and whether they are comfortable with one another (and have their own rooms!) But my point was, having foreigners suddenly move into your house is not an accurate comparison to living with the children of your step parent, who you have presumably spent time with.

foxlover47 · 29/05/2025 00:36

Sorry im
probably going to be flamed for this but ill say it anyway.
you said she’s never enjoyed being around them , so why move the bloke in and get married ?
im sorry 10 is young , you met when she was 6? After a failed relationship with her dad
she would
come
first to me , sure if he was that important to you ( the new man ) and you tried to see how they would
get along , but realised that they didn’t then why on earth move him in ?
we take on this role as parents it’s our job to put them first , a child should be comfortable and happy as they can be in their own home , it’s a damm cruel world out there home should be there anchor.
so im
Sorry but you knew this and chose your relationship to be the priority
im single I have a 13 year old , I would never ever think of moving a man into her home yet alone his kids for eow or whatever time amount

SemperIdem · 29/05/2025 00:39

Op - it’s really bothering your daughter. Reframe what she’s asking for in your mind, I get that it feels as though her dad is being rewarded and you feel he does an inadequate job parenting, but she’s asking for space.

Maybe she’s seeing how her step dad is with his children and wants that with her dad.Giving it a go, and giving her a voice, could be really helpful.

Nalindra · 29/05/2025 00:53

RowanMayfaire · 28/05/2025 17:03

OP, you should be prepared to potentially, permanently damage your relationship with your daughter, if you OK this idea.

To be frank, little girls can be manipulative Only you know your daughter well enough to judge if this is a genuine proposal, or a comment said with the intention of manipulating the situation.

If this is genuine, then you're backed into a very tight corner. Essentially being asked to choose between child and husband. If your daughter was 17, I'd say you deserve your own life and that your daughter is old enough to live her own life. But your daughter is 10 and she has very few options here.

I think you need to have a heart-to-heart and find out if there is more at play here. Any potential for the sc to be bullying or god forbid, abusing your daughter?

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"To be frank, little girls can be manipulative," is a rotten thing to say. Anyone can be manipulative, not just wee girls. Your sentence is misogynistic.

MumWifeOther · 29/05/2025 01:09

Alstac · 28/05/2025 18:13

thanks all – can see i prob should’ve added more info

dsc are 13 (boy) and 11 (girl), they’re here eow and half school hols. dd has her own room, they share. we’ve lived together nearly 2 yrs now, been with dh about 4.

she’s always found them hard to be around tbh. dsd is very full on and loud, dss mostly ignores her. dd’s quiet and likes her own space and routine so it all clashes. they’re not nasty to her but she just doesn’t click with them. we’ve tried stuff all together but dd ends up upset or left out.

not looking to stop dh seeing his kids, obv. i just don’t want dd to feel pushed out in her own home. i don’t think she’s being dramatic, i think she just finds the change too much.

wasn’t expecting her to say she wants to go to her dad’s though – caught me off guard. part of me thinks it’d be easier for her but other part feels gutted she doesn’t feel comfortable here when they’re around.

i don’t think there’s a specific trigger but she’s got more anxious lately in general, probs not helped by all the noise and chaos when they’re here.

i don’t know what the solution is but it’s horrible seeing her unhappy x

I’m sorry but why did you move this man if your daughter was never comfortable with his children? It sounds likr an awful dynamic and you need to listen to your daughter and put her first

MsAmerica · 29/05/2025 01:43

Alstac · 28/05/2025 16:41

dd is 10 and has just told me she doesn’t want to be at home when dsc are here, says she wants to go to her dad’s instead (who fwiw is useless and barely sees her unless it suits him).

she’s very sensitive, always has been, and she just doesn’t get on with them at all. there’s no fighting really but they don’t include her in anything, she feels left out and says she hates how noisy it is when they’re around. she’s an only when they’re not here so i get it’s a lot for her, but it’s upsetting to hear she doesn’t feel at home in her own home.

i’ve tried talking to dh about it but he gets defensive and says she needs to learn to get on with them. i get it’s hard for him too but i don’t want dd feeling like she has to leave her home just to feel comfortable.

not sure what to do really. just feels like we’re not a proper family and she knows it. anyone been through similar?

I mostly agree that she has to learn to get along with them, just as she would have to learn to be nice to a cranky grandparent she doesn't like.
However, when DH says she needs to learn to get on with them, there's nothing wrong with you're saying, You're probably right - what will you do to help facilitate things?

Ottersmith · 29/05/2025 01:53

Well the solution is that either your husband moves out, or your daughter goes to her Dad's house when they are there. But if her Dad doesn't make her feel welcome then she will feel pretty miserable and homeless. It hink honestly your husband should move out, until they are teens at least.

XelaM · 29/05/2025 02:33

I'd say stop mollycoddling her. A loud house with multiple family members is not the end of the world. My daughter is also similar in vibe to yours in that she prefers a quiet house and my ex-husband has a HUGE and very loud family, so she always used to complain about it being too loud at theirs etc (they are very nice to her just a totally chaotic house with a huge number of people coming/going/visiting/loads of cousins of all ages). I don't pander to her and tell her family time is non-negotiable and as they're not doing anything bad to her she just has to get over it. She's fine with them now 👍

XelaM · 29/05/2025 02:36

Ottersmith · 29/05/2025 01:53

Well the solution is that either your husband moves out, or your daughter goes to her Dad's house when they are there. But if her Dad doesn't make her feel welcome then she will feel pretty miserable and homeless. It hink honestly your husband should move out, until they are teens at least.

This is crazy. Why should her husband move out?!?!

It sounds like the problem is with your daughter and you have to find a way to facilitate her relationship with the step kids, unless they are mean to her of course (which it doesn't sound like they are).

Pallisers · 29/05/2025 03:31

XelaM · 29/05/2025 02:33

I'd say stop mollycoddling her. A loud house with multiple family members is not the end of the world. My daughter is also similar in vibe to yours in that she prefers a quiet house and my ex-husband has a HUGE and very loud family, so she always used to complain about it being too loud at theirs etc (they are very nice to her just a totally chaotic house with a huge number of people coming/going/visiting/loads of cousins of all ages). I don't pander to her and tell her family time is non-negotiable and as they're not doing anything bad to her she just has to get over it. She's fine with them now 👍

Edited

Well first of all your dd was not expected to live in that loud house so what possible relevance does this have?

Second it was her father's family - not her step-father's family

Third I am so glad I wasn't reared by you. (and not just because you don't understand why things that happened to your children are irrelevant to utterly different things that happened to other people)

XelaM · 29/05/2025 03:36

Pallisers · 29/05/2025 03:31

Well first of all your dd was not expected to live in that loud house so what possible relevance does this have?

Second it was her father's family - not her step-father's family

Third I am so glad I wasn't reared by you. (and not just because you don't understand why things that happened to your children are irrelevant to utterly different things that happened to other people)

Show quote history

If you pander to all the feelings that kids may possibly get you're just creating anxious adults who can't function in the real world where people aren't perfect and she would have to be able to find ways to get on with many of them at work/uni etc.