Page 11 | DD says she doesn’t want to live here when DSC are around

Alstac · 2025-05-28T15:41:09+00:00

dd is 10 and has just told me she doesn’t want to be at home when dsc are here, says she wants to go to her dad’s instead (who fwiw is useless and barely sees her unless it suits him). she’s very sensitive, always has been, and she just doesn’t get on with them at all. there’s no fighting really but they don’t include her in anything, she feels left out and says she hates how noisy it is when they’re around. she’s an only when they’re not here so i get it’s a lot for her, but it’s upsetting to hear she doesn’t feel at home in her own home. i’ve tried talking to dh about it but he gets defensive and says she needs to learn to get on with them. i get it’s hard for him too but i don’t want dd feeling like she has to leave her home just to feel comfortable. not sure what to do really. just feels like we’re not a proper family and she knows it. anyone been through similar?

NotWorthTheHeadache · 28/05/2025 22:45

Bigfatsunandclouds · 28/05/2025 22:32

I've tried to look back at your posts on here but I can't see whether you've referenced whether you are you a single parent?

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What is the relevance to this question by the way?

PrincessScarlett · 28/05/2025 22:47

Also, I wonder if your DD asking to stay with her own dad is because she's seen her step siblings having a loving relationship with their dad and wants this for herself with her own dad 🤷🏻‍♀️

howshouldibehave · 28/05/2025 22:52

she’s always found them hard to be around tbh. dsd is very full on and loud, dss mostly ignores her. dd’s quiet and likes her own space and routine so it all clashes

So. You decided to put your sex life ahead of your daughter's feelings and moves her in with people she doesn't want to be around, and now you're astonished that she's not happy.

I find situations like this really hard to empathise with.

hotchocolatelover1 · 28/05/2025 22:54

steelingmyself · 28/05/2025 22:09

“I’m a happily married mum, and I don’t understand the gamble of having children with somebody who obviously you weren’t compatible with or wouldn’t make a good father. It’s daftness on the parents part and asking for advice is useless because the damage has been done. The poor children suffering heartbreak from a split and then having to live alone with their parent, never knowing kids their own age to play with or share their experiences with.”

Open your minds people - every situation is different 😳 The OP is looking for help here…

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You do realise that many single mums were once happily married too?
Single mums cannot change the fact they are single mums. Like you say, 'the damage has been done.'
Whereas OP can actually do something about her situation, she can live separately from her partner with her daughter.

Gyozas · 28/05/2025 22:58

RowanMayfaire · 28/05/2025 17:03

OP, you should be prepared to potentially, permanently damage your relationship with your daughter, if you OK this idea.

To be frank, little girls can be manipulative Only you know your daughter well enough to judge if this is a genuine proposal, or a comment said with the intention of manipulating the situation.

If this is genuine, then you're backed into a very tight corner. Essentially being asked to choose between child and husband. If your daughter was 17, I'd say you deserve your own life and that your daughter is old enough to live her own life. But your daughter is 10 and she has very few options here.

I think you need to have a heart-to-heart and find out if there is more at play here. Any potential for the sc to be bullying or god forbid, abusing your daughter?

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To be frank, little girls can be manipulative

You fucking what?

outerspacepotato · 28/05/2025 22:59

You didn't blend families, you mangled yours.

Time to get your daughter therapy to help her deal with her anxiety.

Let your daughter go to her dad's if he'll have her. It sounds like she really needs a different environment than you can provide given that your step kids bring noise and some chaos and are causing her so much emotional distress and anxiety that she wants to leave her home. Send her with some simple food and show her how to prepare it.

I'm rooting for the kid here.

AnneMarieW · 28/05/2025 23:00

Poor DD. Sadly this is the risk of blended families, especially if you know you have a more sensitive child. An only child with a quieter personality having to now share her home with effectively multiple “strangers” that she didn’t grow up with, was always going to be difficult. It’s happened in a fair few of the blended families I know - the more outgoing kids seem to regularly fight with their step- siblings and the quieter ones either hide away in their rooms all the time or try to stay with their other parent if they can. That’s not to mention whether they get on or not with their step- parent too, which can make things even more complicated.

Unfortunately apart from separating from DH, I don’t think there is anything you can really do - unless the behaviour from her step- siblings is bullying type behaviour than can be nipped in the bud rather than just natural personality clashes as you suggest. Try to just be thankful she has her dad’s house to escape to, even if he seems somewhat neglectful and not an ideal parent. At 10, she can make up her own mind where she feels happiest and at least your step kids aren’t there 24/7 so you’ll still see her often.

I’m sorry it’s worked out this way and that I don’t have any better advice (other than listening to how your DD feels, which you already seem to be). Unfortunately I think this is just a price you are going to have to pay for wanting the blended family.

RisingSunn · 28/05/2025 23:05

ParmaVioletTea · 28/05/2025 21:40

Interesting question. I'm interested in PPs responses.

Maybe it's different if there's a "blood" relation ie. one or both parents shared?

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I think its your last sentence.

There's a difference between putting up with your annoying sister vs two children that you don't have a bond/friendship with but have to periodically share your home with.

latetothefisting · 28/05/2025 23:09

"just feels like we’re not a proper family"

because you're not. From her perspective YOU are her family and you decided to bring 3 random strangers, at least 2 of which she doesn't like much and has little in common with, to her safe space.

How would you feel if the government decided every household had to take in 3 refugees, you had no input into who they were, but you had to share your space with these 3 randoms for the next decade? Would you feel like they were your family?

You can't just say 'we're a family now' and expect her feelings to reprogram automatically like a little robot.

Smokesandeats · 28/05/2025 23:11

I can’t actually see what’s wrong with your DD spending EOW and half of school holidays with her father. She’ll still be living with you most of the time and it means that your DH will spend quality time with his children. It’s probably a better solution than moving into separate houses.

PawsAndTails · 28/05/2025 23:16

Smokesandeats · 28/05/2025 23:11

I can’t actually see what’s wrong with your DD spending EOW and half of school holidays with her father. She’ll still be living with you most of the time and it means that your DH will spend quality time with his children. It’s probably a better solution than moving into separate houses.

This. EOW and half of school holidays is not all that long or often, and seems like a reasonable access arrangement with the other parent anyway. So let her go to her Dad, like she's suggested.

WalkingaroundJardine · 28/05/2025 23:20

@Alstac I hate seeing this thread pile on. All the lecturing doesn’t help you. I want to offer genuine suggestions that may be of help.

What about she sees her dad every 4 weeks and you ask her dad to make a special effort- to stick to his commitment and take her out for the day? Once a month - could he make an effort for that? It sounds like if she goes over more often, he might just leave her to her devices (literally).

Then every 4 weeks the two of you could also go and be tourists together somewhere? Time those occasions if you can with the step kid EOW visit but it doesn’t matter if you cannot.
In school holidays, perhaps you could both go away alone together for one week (in summer) and a long weekend at half term?

My daughter didn’t get on with her younger brother, who had challenging special needs when he was younger and it made her life very difficult. I was a single mum by then but I found it useful to be able to take DD out whenever I could just the two of us so that she didn’t feel drowned out and to minimise the negativity of her upbringing.

NotWorthTheHeadache · 28/05/2025 23:20

Smokesandeats · 28/05/2025 23:11

I can’t actually see what’s wrong with your DD spending EOW and half of school holidays with her father. She’ll still be living with you most of the time and it means that your DH will spend quality time with his children. It’s probably a better solution than moving into separate houses.

The day I would willingly give up more time with my DC, particularly to a shit father, for the sake of the man I made the stupid decision of marrying and his children who my DC can’t stand, is the day I would admit I had completely and utterly failed as a mother.

LastPostISwear · 28/05/2025 23:20

NotWorthTheHeadache · 28/05/2025 21:15

You refer to children’s ‘wants’ here… I did not. I referenced children’s ‘needs’ I.e. needs for emotional stability, sense of security, needs for a comfortable and safe home etc etc.

If my child was crying their eyes out consistently going to their childcare, I would find new child care. That’s simply not normal. A settling in period, sure, but not consistent crying over a prolonged period of time. That’s not normal and should be addressed.

My DC regularly slept in my bed for various reasons, and regularly kicked me in their sleep, I put up with it because they’re only small once and being in my bed made them feel safe and loved.

Obviously adjusting activities when you’re sick is normal. As is not letting children outside in the rain to get sick. Again, this instance is a ‘want’ and not a need.

Parents go out, that’s a given. Again, this instance is a ‘want’ and not a ‘need’ for the child to go out on a date with their parents.

Women and men constantly move new partners into their homes calling them ‘new family members’. No, they’re not. They’re people their parents have decided to have a romantic and sexual relationship with and the children need to put up with it and ‘put in equal effort’ to get along with these supposed new family members. Why? Why put this on children? Why not have your relationship and live apart? Why risk your relationship with your child? Why risk their NEED for a sense of safety, stability and comfort in their home for your WANT for companionship and sex? And it’s not years and years… children are children for a very short time. It’s utterly selfish and unnecessary.

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Right, while the DD’s needs for peace, quiet, and social inclusion (and possibly for one-on-one time with OP, or a relationship with her father) are not being met. That means her step family needs to be more considerate of her needs, or that she might need to stay with her DF eow, not necessarily that OP has to stop living with her husband and they should give up all hope of ever blending the family. (And it definitely does not mean OP has to forsake her own need for romantic companionship for all of DD’s childhood.)

Step family is family if they are allowed to be. My step father took the place of my absent biological father; I can’t see him as anything else but my dad. He and his family became mine…I gave birth to my DSDs’ little sister, with whom they have a personal and biological relationship. We spend major holidays together and exchange meaningful, thoughtful gifts. I’ve made them special birthday cakes every year since I’ve known them. I drove them places they needed to go when their parents couldn’t, and do nice things for them when they’re sad. I have a vested interest in their lives and well being, and wish for their success. I hope one day, if they have their own children, that I’m a big part of their lives, and I will see them as no different to DD’s children. That’s family.

People have safety, stability, comfort, and familiar relationships within blended families all the time. It’s just that sometimes there are hitches, whether big or small, and many of them can be overcome. It takes work to all get along, just like it does in any other family.

And yes, it is years and years, unless your children are in their late teens when you split with their other parent. I think many children of separated parents come to think that it’s an unreasonable ask to have their parents go without for that long as adults.

LunaDeBallona · 28/05/2025 23:21

Your poor little girl. My heart breaks for her.
Shes choosing to stay with her ‘useless’ father to get away from these people she has been forced to live with and do you know what will happen?
This is what I foresee……….

Your husband, Mr ‘she needs to learn to get on with them’ will INSIST his daughter uses your daughters bedroom since she’s not there - so your poor DD won’t even have her room and her privacy. Someone she doesn’t like and who doesn’t like her will be in her space. Thats my prediction. And it’s appalling .

You need to choose as if you carry on like this your daughter will never forgive you when she’s older. I genuinely don’t think you can have both of them.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 28/05/2025 23:22

“she’s always found them hard to be around tbh. dsd is very full on and loud, dss mostly ignores her. dd’s quiet and likes her own space and routine so it all clashes. they’re not nasty to her but she just doesn’t click with them”

And yet you decided to move in with him anyway, knowing your daughter would have to live part time with people she didn’t feel comfortable around. It’s selfish. It still astounds me how many women I read about on here put their desire to be with a new partner ahead of their own child’s wellbeing.

If you want a good relationship with your daughter in future then put her needs first so she doesn’t grow up resenting that you made her live with these people.

Copperoliverbear · 28/05/2025 23:25

Could your husband live somewhere else when he has his children?
could your daughter be Autistic and this is why she doesn’t like all the noise or change ect.
could your husband go to his parents or something every other weekend with his kids, where did he live before ?

Othersideofworld · 28/05/2025 23:30

Was this an issue before you were married or before you lived together? It sounds like issues that are long, long overdue to discuss and deal
with.

InWalksBarberalla · 28/05/2025 23:31

Smokesandeats · 28/05/2025 23:11

I can’t actually see what’s wrong with your DD spending EOW and half of school holidays with her father. She’ll still be living with you most of the time and it means that your DH will spend quality time with his children. It’s probably a better solution than moving into separate houses.

This - he might be a bit useless but he is still her dad and she deserves a relationship with him.

ButItWasNotYourFaultButMine · 28/05/2025 23:31

She's tried to live with them like this for 2 years. It's not working. She's a young child who is miserable in her own home, her safe space, because you brought a new man and his children into it.

I think you need to reconsider your living situation tbh, even if that means living separately.

NotWorthTheHeadache · 28/05/2025 23:32

LastPostISwear · 28/05/2025 23:20

Right, while the DD’s needs for peace, quiet, and social inclusion (and possibly for one-on-one time with OP, or a relationship with her father) are not being met. That means her step family needs to be more considerate of her needs, or that she might need to stay with her DF eow, not necessarily that OP has to stop living with her husband and they should give up all hope of ever blending the family. (And it definitely does not mean OP has to forsake her own need for romantic companionship for all of DD’s childhood.)

Step family is family if they are allowed to be. My step father took the place of my absent biological father; I can’t see him as anything else but my dad. He and his family became mine…I gave birth to my DSDs’ little sister, with whom they have a personal and biological relationship. We spend major holidays together and exchange meaningful, thoughtful gifts. I’ve made them special birthday cakes every year since I’ve known them. I drove them places they needed to go when their parents couldn’t, and do nice things for them when they’re sad. I have a vested interest in their lives and well being, and wish for their success. I hope one day, if they have their own children, that I’m a big part of their lives, and I will see them as no different to DD’s children. That’s family.

People have safety, stability, comfort, and familiar relationships within blended families all the time. It’s just that sometimes there are hitches, whether big or small, and many of them can be overcome. It takes work to all get along, just like it does in any other family.

And yes, it is years and years, unless your children are in their late teens when you split with their other parent. I think many children of separated parents come to think that it’s an unreasonable ask to have their parents go without for that long as adults.

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Got as far as your first paragraph and threw my eyes to heaven.

Her step ‘family’ need to be more considerate? OP has said they are not being considerate and her husband has said the child just needs to put up with it. So what should she do in that situation? Stay?

She might need to stay with her DF EOW? You mean the DF that OP has said is useless? See my comment above. The day I would willingly give up more time with my DC to a useless father for the sake of the useless man I married and the children my DC can’t stand would be the day I admit I have utterly failed as a mother.

It does not mean OP has to forsake her own need for romantic companionship? Romantic companionship is not a need. It is a want. Pure and simple.

Imo you’re in no position to be offering advice here given the background info youve given of your DHs children’s lives being upturned by your want to have ‘romantic companionship and sex’. All of your posts are Me, Me, Me 🙄

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 28/05/2025 23:33

You moved this man in after two years???? What were you thinking?

I feel bad for all the kids.
It’s not ok for your step kids to share a room.

Are you actually married?

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 28/05/2025 23:36

LunaDeBallona · 28/05/2025 23:21

Your poor little girl. My heart breaks for her.
Shes choosing to stay with her ‘useless’ father to get away from these people she has been forced to live with and do you know what will happen?
This is what I foresee……….

Your husband, Mr ‘she needs to learn to get on with them’ will INSIST his daughter uses your daughters bedroom since she’s not there - so your poor DD won’t even have her room and her privacy. Someone she doesn’t like and who doesn’t like her will be in her space. Thats my prediction. And it’s appalling .

You need to choose as if you carry on like this your daughter will never forgive you when she’s older. I genuinely don’t think you can have both of them.

I actually find it appalling a teenage boy has to share his room with his 11 yo sister.

I don’t think the dh is wrong, I think it’s nuts they moved in together after two years!

This can’t be fun for any of the kids. His kids only see their dad 4 days a month.

cerealbar1 · 28/05/2025 23:36

I would actually be reconsidering my relationship because my dds well being comes first.

carry on like this and what would she say in 10 years time?

HANDholdplease0 · 28/05/2025 23:39

I’m glad I read this thread as I’ve been asked by partner to let him move in but my gut says NO
I shall listen to it