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Step-parenting

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Original poster

SIL relationship with husbands ex wife

53 replies

Bram31 · 18/05/2025 21:52

Years on I am still finding my SIL's relationship with my husbands ex wife troubling. It caused a huge amount of hurt at the beginning of our relationship and with my husband addressing it with his sister however it has continued over the years. Now and again they will meet up or she will make comments that could have come from them talking. I can't put my finger on why I find it so troubling. I don't think I would, nor would my siblings, continue to have a relationship with an ex partner. My husband just shrugs it off which makes me even more infuriated. Do I have a right for this to make me feel angry? How have people gotten over this?

OP posts:
DancingHippos · 18/05/2025 21:54

They must have been close for a while.
What is your sil saying that is upsetting you?

Original poster
Bram31 · 18/05/2025 21:57

I wouldn't say its what they're saying, it's more that its happening if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Naomival · 18/05/2025 21:57

I'm still friends with my ex-sil. She was married to my brother for 20 years and we became good friends. ( I speak to her more than my brother!)

Psychologymam · 18/05/2025 21:59

If they had a close friendship, I’m not sure why she would cut her off unless she behaved very badly towards her brother. What about them seeing each other concerns you?

DancingHippos · 18/05/2025 21:59

Are you close to your SIL OP? Can you develop that relationship? It sounds like you are a hit insecure about that friendship.

Beamur · 18/05/2025 21:59

They're friends. It's unreasonable of you to expect them to discontinue their friendship because you don't like it.

Fatrosrhun · 18/05/2025 22:00

You’re being silly. It’s not an insult to you. They’re just friends, that’s all. Totally independent of her and her ex husband’s relationship. I stayed friends with my ex’s mum. She was so lovely. We were close for a good decade after we split. Nowadays it’s just Christmas cards. I have (and never had) no interest in my ex or his life. We never speak about him. We talk about my life and what’s happening, or hers.

Hollyhedge · 18/05/2025 22:00

I don’t see the issue. Do you feel left out??

spanishcheese · 18/05/2025 22:01

Their friendship is none of your business. Leave them alone.

Original poster
Bram31 · 18/05/2025 22:07

Not left out, but definitely a lack of acceptance. I've tried very hard over the years to build a positive relationship which for whatever reason hasn't landed. There definitely was a lack of acceptance of mine and my husbands relationship at the beginning which was vocalised.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 18/05/2025 22:13

How long had DH been separated when you got together.

I stayed friends with DH’s brother’s ex. His brother had cheated on her.

MereNoelle · 18/05/2025 22:15

I’m still good friends with my ex’s sister. We broke up 16 years ago. Our friendship now has nothing to do with him, and there’s no reason his wife should have an issue with it.
My SIL is still friends with DH’s ex and it doesn’t bother me at all.

Shinyandnew1 · 18/05/2025 22:15

I don't think I would, nor would my siblings, continue to have a relationship with an ex partner.

If they were friends, I wouldn't expect them to suddenly stop being friends I just because I stopped going out with/being in a relationship with my partner.

Maddy70 · 18/05/2025 22:15

Don't be daft they were friends way before you came on the scene.

excelledyourself · 18/05/2025 22:19

I don’t see the issue. Just because they’re not family now doesn’t mean they can’t be friends. Surely your husband was pleased they got on so well when they were together?

But why is this in Step Parenting?

Loveautumnhatewinter · 18/05/2025 22:20

Your previous feelings of not being accepted are influencing how you interpret your SIL’s ongoing friendship with the ex-wife. You are interpreting the ongoing friendship as a rejection and further evidence of you not being accepted. You are looking and perhaps wrongly, finding evidence to back up how you previously and probably still feel. When in reality, there’s nothing from your posts to suggest your SIL is rejecting you.

crazyone1974 · 18/05/2025 22:22

You need to let it go. It's hard as that's his past life before you and you don't want that reminder. It may also feel like they are less accepting of you because they prefer her. However, you cannot stop them being friends unfortunately. Taking it further or keep bringing it up to your DH will result in fall out.

whitewineandsun · 18/05/2025 22:25

They're friends. You've known from the beginning that SIL isn't keen on you for whatever reason. You can't force a relationship, just because you are with her brother. You shouldn't want a relationship with a woman, who doesn't like you much. Have a higher opinion of yourself than that.

nopineapplepizza · 18/05/2025 22:34

I am still friends with my first SIL, despite my BIL now being on his third marriage.

I’ve known her for decades, our DC have grown up together and we have years of shared experiences. Plus my BIL is a dick and I never got on with wife #2 (she was knowingly the OW for years and wasn’t kind to my DNs) and wife #3 travels extensively for work and I’ve never actually met her 🤷‍♀️

Why should I end a friendship with someone who I care about because their relationship status changes from married to single?

DancingHippos · 18/05/2025 22:34

That must hurt OP. I'm not sure if there is more you can do if you have tried already. You probably have to see that doesn't effect other relationships e.g with your husband

brettsalanger · 18/05/2025 22:36

What’s the time line? How long were they together?

my sil is my children’s aunt and my really good friend. If her and my DB parted ways, she would still be my friend.

Endofyear · 18/05/2025 22:42

It sounds like they're friends - why should she not be friends with her brother's ex? It's absolutely none of your business and not sure why it bothers you - is it because you and SIL haven't hit it off?

BusyExpert · 18/05/2025 22:46

I would probably feel uncomfortable in your situation but there is nothing you can or should do about their relationship. You can however change your own attitude. Accept their friendship, accept that you will never be close to your SIL and refuse to mull over it. Not everything in life is the way we want it. cherish your husband and your life together now.

MrsSunshine2b · 18/05/2025 22:53

I understand.

My SIL has done the same. I would understand it better if they had split up reasonably amicably and had a good relationship previous to the split, but not only did they never get on before the split, the ex cheated on him with a friend of his, and has been consistently vindictive and nasty since then. SIL speaks badly about her behind her back and then runs to her whenever she falls out with her brother, which is frequent. I'm sure she's been the source of more trouble as tells us lies about her and probably tells her lies about us so the animosity deepens.

Poppish · 18/05/2025 22:58

Bram31 · 18/05/2025 21:52

Years on I am still finding my SIL's relationship with my husbands ex wife troubling. It caused a huge amount of hurt at the beginning of our relationship and with my husband addressing it with his sister however it has continued over the years. Now and again they will meet up or she will make comments that could have come from them talking. I can't put my finger on why I find it so troubling. I don't think I would, nor would my siblings, continue to have a relationship with an ex partner. My husband just shrugs it off which makes me even more infuriated. Do I have a right for this to make me feel angry? How have people gotten over this?

If you choose to be with someone who has had a previous partner/wife/in-laws then you have to accept that people form relationships. It doesn’t reflect on you. Focus instead on forging your own relationships with your other half’s family, and one day you may have that lovely relationship with your SIL.

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