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Original poster

SIL relationship with husbands ex wife

53 replies

Bram31 · 18/05/2025 21:52

Years on I am still finding my SIL's relationship with my husbands ex wife troubling. It caused a huge amount of hurt at the beginning of our relationship and with my husband addressing it with his sister however it has continued over the years. Now and again they will meet up or she will make comments that could have come from them talking. I can't put my finger on why I find it so troubling. I don't think I would, nor would my siblings, continue to have a relationship with an ex partner. My husband just shrugs it off which makes me even more infuriated. Do I have a right for this to make me feel angry? How have people gotten over this?

OP posts:
ChickenEggChicken · 18/05/2025 23:03

Bram31 · 18/05/2025 21:52

Years on I am still finding my SIL's relationship with my husbands ex wife troubling. It caused a huge amount of hurt at the beginning of our relationship and with my husband addressing it with his sister however it has continued over the years. Now and again they will meet up or she will make comments that could have come from them talking. I can't put my finger on why I find it so troubling. I don't think I would, nor would my siblings, continue to have a relationship with an ex partner. My husband just shrugs it off which makes me even more infuriated. Do I have a right for this to make me feel angry? How have people gotten over this?

Well, should you one day become an ex-wife, presumably you will be fine with all your ILs forgetting you ever existed and were someone they knew and loved for decades?

lunar1 · 19/05/2025 06:30

My brother has been with his wife 21 years. She’s been there for the majority of my adult life, I can’t imagine cutting her off if her and db separated.

BangersAndGnash · 19/05/2025 09:07

Is the way you and your DH got together a factor?

What was the resistance to your relationship based on?

MoistVonL · 19/05/2025 09:12

This is your insecurity talking. If you felt secure you wouldn’t care they they are friends.

I wouldn’t stop being friends just because their marriage broke down - that’s between them.

Autumn38 · 19/05/2025 15:16

My SIL is a close friend and her children are my niblings. No way would I cut her off if she and DBro split. But I’d equally make an effort with a new partner- can’t you become friends with her in your own right?

3pointmountain · 19/05/2025 15:17

I don't think you get to tell anyone who they can be friends with. You need to find a way to be less bothered by it.

laraitopbanana · 19/05/2025 20:01

I know of a girl whom stayed close friend with the sister of an ex boyfriend. Not even married the guy.

I think the sister is weird and should not allow herself to meddle into her bro life, respect boundaries of relationships. But then again, it really depends on the maturity of said sister and how she talks about meeting/says/shares information with ex.

Largestlegocollectionever · 19/05/2025 20:13

YABU - hope that helps!

DarcyProudman · 19/05/2025 20:28

They’re friends, leave them alone.

MereNoelle · 19/05/2025 20:28

laraitopbanana · 19/05/2025 20:01

I know of a girl whom stayed close friend with the sister of an ex boyfriend. Not even married the guy.

I think the sister is weird and should not allow herself to meddle into her bro life, respect boundaries of relationships. But then again, it really depends on the maturity of said sister and how she talks about meeting/says/shares information with ex.

I’m close friends with the sister of my ex boyfriend.

PizzaPowder · 19/05/2025 22:53

I am good friends with my ex’s sister. I’m still auntie to her son.

She is also good friends with his wife.

It has never occurred to me that anyone would have an issue with this.

MeridianB · 20/05/2025 07:44

Providing there is no active negativity here (SIL sharing things she shouldn't or stirring) then I would try to shake this off.

I've seen this happen with ILs who wanted to 'do the right thing and be civil' for the sake of the children.

laraitopbanana · 20/05/2025 08:44

MereNoelle · 19/05/2025 20:28

I’m close friends with the sister of my ex boyfriend.

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And the other part? Is the sister weird about it?
friendship doesn’t have to make others uncomfortable…if it does, it can be because of either part not being mature enough.

MattCauthon · 20/05/2025 09:47

Why was everyone uncomfortable with you? Were you the OW? Did your h treat his ex badly?

I think family maintaining relationships with exes is very much based on specific situations and nothing you have said explains if this is or isn't an issue in real life.

Playinwithfire · 20/05/2025 09:54

I'm curious to know why you don't want them to have a relationship? Why should they stop being friends?

It's perfectly alright for your SIL not to have a connection with you. It's not her or your husbands responsibility to make you feel better about it! You just need to learn to accept it, you can't dictate a person's life and especially how they talk/gossip!

My pet pev is people expecting others to change parts of their life, who they are, just to make you feel better. Learn to regulate yourself and build on your worth rather than putting time and energy into people who don't care for you! Your life will be so much better for it!

MereNoelle · 20/05/2025 09:55

laraitopbanana · 20/05/2025 08:44

And the other part? Is the sister weird about it?
friendship doesn’t have to make others uncomfortable…if it does, it can be because of either part not being mature enough.

Show quote history

I have no idea if my ex’s sister is weird about it, I wouldn’t have thought so though as she’s not a weird person 🤷🏻‍♀️. We don’t discuss my ex other than in a very general way… I’ll ask politely if he’s ok, she’ll sometimes mention him if it’s relevant to a conversation (ie she’s telling me about a holiday they’ve been on and he was there with his wife and kids too). She’s now my friend entirely independently of my past relationship with her brother.

laraitopbanana · 20/05/2025 10:01

MereNoelle · 20/05/2025 09:55

I have no idea if my ex’s sister is weird about it, I wouldn’t have thought so though as she’s not a weird person 🤷🏻‍♀️. We don’t discuss my ex other than in a very general way… I’ll ask politely if he’s ok, she’ll sometimes mention him if it’s relevant to a conversation (ie she’s telling me about a holiday they’ve been on and he was there with his wife and kids too). She’s now my friend entirely independently of my past relationship with her brother.

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Honestly, sounds perfectly sound 👌

Eenameenadeeka · 20/05/2025 10:02

Sorry but YABU. He ended his marriage (I guess depends what the reasoning for that was as to how his family feel about her- if she cheated etc) but if his family had a positive relationship with her they don't have to end it because he has. My uncle left his wife, but she had been my mums sister in law for years at that point, and they shared children. My aunt remained part of our family.

joliefolle · 20/05/2025 10:09

"I don't think I would, nor would my siblings, continue to have a relationship with an ex partner. My husband just shrugs it off "

So your husband has no problem with his sibling continuing a relationship with his ex. Why are you making this about you? The women invovled are neither your sibling nor your ex. You ask if you have the right to feel angry? The simple answer is, no. You need to work on boundaries. You feelings of anger about this stem from your personal insecurities and are seriously trespassing into other people's space. You focus on your relationship with your husband and with your own friends. You did not marry your husband's sister, she has no obligation to you.

Donsyb · 20/05/2025 11:44

Bram31 · 18/05/2025 22:07

Not left out, but definitely a lack of acceptance. I've tried very hard over the years to build a positive relationship which for whatever reason hasn't landed. There definitely was a lack of acceptance of mine and my husbands relationship at the beginning which was vocalised.

Were you the reason for their split?

In any case, it’s not uncommon for people to stay friends with a siblings ex. I have examples amongst my friends and family.

jealy · 20/05/2025 11:48

Your husbands sister is friends with your husbands ex? This all predates you so you can’t really do much about it. And you can’t really put a stop to it as their relationship isn’t really in your jurisdiction.

If it was your sister and your husbands ex then that’s a different story I guess.

Renabrook · 20/05/2025 11:51

You can't control their relationship it is none of your business what they do

InterruptingRabbit · 20/05/2025 11:55

Bram31 · 18/05/2025 21:57

I wouldn't say its what they're saying, it's more that its happening if that makes sense.

YABVU to expect your SIL to stop being friends with this woman because it makes you uncomfortable.

Playinwithfire · 20/05/2025 17:02

Donsyb · 20/05/2025 11:44

Were you the reason for their split?

In any case, it’s not uncommon for people to stay friends with a siblings ex. I have examples amongst my friends and family.

Show quote history

I had the same thought.. Was she the other women? And now the new partner...

minnienono · 20/05/2025 17:28

I’m friends with my ex sil, I’ve known her most of her life, she can’t remember me not being in her life (a lot younger than me. Exh’s new dp is quite aware we are friends though distance (I’ve moved) means I’m not going to see her much

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