Why is the bar for neglect so low?

[tedcherries]

Is it due to the lack of resources?

I know Mumsnet is particularly touchy when it comes to speaking poorly of parents; especially mums. But this is so on going now it’s extremely frustrating.

I have watched my step daughters care and basic needs just decrease over the years and it’s just so sad. Mum will not engage with dad (my husband) whatsoever. They use a family app to communicate after my husband took her to court for some other issues. She ignores all messages (sometimes doesn’t even read them). Step daughter is just 12.

My step daughter is hugely overweight, she comes to us utterly filthy, white socks that are black and holey, orange teeth, underwear soiled, recently got her first bras but didn’t take her for a measurement; so I did and she’s wearing the totally wrong size (by inches; it must have been so uncomfortable), then the bra she came down in was grime covered with bodily oils on the straps. Her hair is long and knotted. Attendance at school is poor, assessments and reports are mostly all below average. It just goes on and on. Screen time on her phone is 70 hours on average a week; this is while she’s in school too. No parental locks etc. Has been getting taxis alone since she was 10 to go to places which are a 15/20 min walk as mum won’t walk with her. She hangs out in town until late. Mum has been leaving her alone at nights to go to the pub and ordering Domino’s for her dinner while she’s there etc. She also slept on the floor for over a year on a thin mattress and when we sent a bed to her on delivery she refused to take it in.

Mum I think needs help and educating hugely. I do think she’s doing the best that she can but these things are growing more and more out of control and it’s just so sad. I have bought a load of socks, knickers and new bras for her to take home so she has some clean ones which aren’t holey or dirty.

I know this is going to be seen as me bashing the mum but it really isn’t, we are in utter despair and are just so sad it’s on going.

Mediation doesn’t work, court; husband got what he went for which was not to do with any of this as CAFCASS didn’t seem it was necessary.

The whole issue also is that she moved 250 miles away so now we don’t see her weekly anymore and I think that is the biggest factor; as we aren’t seeing her as much as we did before. We get all holidays, half terms etc and share Christmas/New Year. We would see her more often if we financially and logistically could.

Also forgot to add that this time also I have had to wash the clothes she came in three times to get the smell out; it’s so sad! Armpits of BO and crotch of her leggings. Surely all of this is just basic?

Why don’t you ask her to move in with you?

I can’t imagine the daughter likes this situation much either, and at 12 will be more and more aware of it.

You can speak to her school and NSPCC and see whether it’s worth reporting to SS?

I would be pushing him to go to court for custody, this is her whole future on the line at this point, not trying to be dramatic but the damage it will be doing, physical and mental, is huge.

I’d be fighting this every step of the way, whether that means moving her to you or moving closer, use the legal channels that exist, go via SS, get her out. You can’t help if you only see her for a week at a time a few times a year.

We already went to her local authority. He called them to speak to someone. Someone called and took all the details and that was it!

Should we call again? I just told think it’s ‘bad enough’ for them to intervene! Which is the frustrating part as she just won’t engage with husband at all. It’s heart breaking.

Unfortunately, she wouldn’t want to live with us because she idolises her mum. I think the freedom and the lack of rules is something that she very much likes. We are a lot stricter and have routine/boundaries. My son is 13 and we have a daughter who is 3. She gets on with us all; and enjoys her time here though, I do think she finds it difficult at times because she doesn’t have to lift a finger at home. Her bedroom is horrendous.

We have thought about moving closer, but my son is in Year 8, his whole life is here. He also has a scholarship at a local independent. We would not have any family support either which is vital for childcare (and we are close with my family!).

I mean it’s a personal decision then isn’t it. For me, I’d rather have one of my children go to a different school and pay for childcare than leave one of my children living with neglect, but that’s just me.

Yes, I do understand that, and it probably looks bad on me. But I also have to think of my children too.

I might be awful but there’s no way I’d uproot my own kid for my stepchild. Being completely honest.

And I do get that- for you. But for your husband? Nah, I don’t get that.

And what about for your own child, because for the husband these are ALL his kids?

And for an OP who’s posted about this numerous times and is so concerned… yet no legal action, no plans, no further visiting or meeting up… it’s lip service.

My child is not my husband’s. My priority is my own child and I’d end my marriage rather than uproot them.

I would absolutely be encouraging legal action if I were the OP but I have little faith in the family court.

How old is your SD now?

Why didn’t your DH didn’t get a prohibited steps order to stop the move?

12

I was brought up mostly by my mother and she neglected us in similar fashion due to severe mental health problems and addiction. My siblings liked the “freedom” a lack of boundaries/parenting provides but I craved it and find many aspects of my life difficult now as a result (eg keeping a tidy home and eating well). I will never be able to forgive my Dad for not doing more to protect us (they were divorced, too).

When she is an adult and she’s asking her Dad why he let her be brought up like that, he needs to be able to say he did everything he could. Can he?

Unfortunately, she wouldn’t want to live with us because she idolises her mum

Do you think children in care are happy to move away from their mums? Even with the most awful abuse.

We would see her more often if we financially and logistically could.

I mean, I dunno. It sounds like her primary carer is failing her. If my child was being looked after in this state but didn't want to live with me, I would move next door or to a nearby house suitable for all my kids and be present as a constant support. Does your DH ever express this wish?

@tedcherries

I'm the adoptive mum.of a child who was severely neglected. I'm now a foster carer.
Neglect is abuse and children suffer long term consequences.
If it's as bad as you say it is your husband has to act - apply for custody and move her, whether she likes it or not.
You need to get evidence eg photos of her clothes if you can't get photos of her.

Assuming she does move, you will need to adjust your expectations of her. She will be resentful and angry. Don't expect her to be able to meet your standards, with my last foster child I counted it as a win if he had one shower a week. Don't expect to parent her how the other children are parented. That's not to say there should be no boundaries or rules but you have to pick your battles and take it slow.
The other children in the home will need to understand and accept that she needs to be treated differently.
It won't be easy but does your husband really have a choice?

I’m astonished that mum was able to move 250 miles away with a court order in place. There’s no way they wouldn’t have granted a prohibited steps order to facilitate a relationship with dad and to ensure stability.

The distance between us and her moving is something that happened and but it is complicated as it’s where she is from (mum) and it’s where my husband met her and lived with her. Her whole family etc are there.

Husband had to go to court to fight seeing her also. It was very messy and complicated. She had to do a parenting course re parental alienation also. But it obviously hasn’t worked.

That is another point, we have seen evidence on SD phone of them both speaking badly of husband with mum encouraging it. We spoke to her about it and she was very remorseful and it was a sad time.

The only solution is to keep fighting and pushing. Log everytime she comes filthy, take photos of the clothes that are filthy and broken not on her unless you can without it looking weird. Keep a log, keep contacting the school and social services, take photos of the texts and go back to court.

You don’t have long before your going to have a pregnant DSD because her mother is clearly
not going to teach her anything or care who she’s with or what she’s upto.

There’s a lot of words with not a lot of action OP.

If things are as bad as you say they are, dad is massively failing here and he should be there, in person and fighting this legally, now.

They aren’t all his kids though? The 13 year old is hers and hers alone and presumably would be massively effected by moving so the OP is right her priority has to be her own child and he cannot have his life uprooted for someone he is not related to at all

all they can do is go back to court and try and push it - if her attendance is low agencies should be involved anyway