Why is the bar for neglect so low?

[tedcherries]

Is it due to the lack of resources?

I know Mumsnet is particularly touchy when it comes to speaking poorly of parents; especially mums. But this is so on going now it’s extremely frustrating.

I have watched my step daughters care and basic needs just decrease over the years and it’s just so sad. Mum will not engage with dad (my husband) whatsoever. They use a family app to communicate after my husband took her to court for some other issues. She ignores all messages (sometimes doesn’t even read them). Step daughter is just 12.

My step daughter is hugely overweight, she comes to us utterly filthy, white socks that are black and holey, orange teeth, underwear soiled, recently got her first bras but didn’t take her for a measurement; so I did and she’s wearing the totally wrong size (by inches; it must have been so uncomfortable), then the bra she came down in was grime covered with bodily oils on the straps. Her hair is long and knotted. Attendance at school is poor, assessments and reports are mostly all below average. It just goes on and on. Screen time on her phone is 70 hours on average a week; this is while she’s in school too. No parental locks etc. Has been getting taxis alone since she was 10 to go to places which are a 15/20 min walk as mum won’t walk with her. She hangs out in town until late. Mum has been leaving her alone at nights to go to the pub and ordering Domino’s for her dinner while she’s there etc. She also slept on the floor for over a year on a thin mattress and when we sent a bed to her on delivery she refused to take it in.

Mum I think needs help and educating hugely. I do think she’s doing the best that she can but these things are growing more and more out of control and it’s just so sad. I have bought a load of socks, knickers and new bras for her to take home so she has some clean ones which aren’t holey or dirty.

I know this is going to be seen as me bashing the mum but it really isn’t, we are in utter despair and are just so sad it’s on going.

Mediation doesn’t work, court; husband got what he went for which was not to do with any of this as CAFCASS didn’t seem it was necessary.

The whole issue also is that she moved 250 miles away so now we don’t see her weekly anymore and I think that is the biggest factor; as we aren’t seeing her as much as we did before. We get all holidays, half terms etc and share Christmas/New Year. We would see her more often if we financially and logistically could.

Have you told her that she's welcome to live with you, and she only has to say the word and your dh will come and get her?

There were over 700,000 referrals last year. They can not cope with the present issues and workload

But this is the thing, it isn’t classed as child abuse nor neglect in the eyes of children’s services. This is why we are stuck, we have contacted school, LA, even GP. School have zero concerns.

He keeps her with him when he next sees her and doesn’t return her to her mum. She may well be upset about it but her wellbeing takes priority so he needs to explain that he’s doing this because he loves her and is worried about her.
Don’t be too critical of her mum to her/in front of her. She’ll worry about mum and what will happen to her.

He applies for an urgent court hearing on the basis that the child is being neglected and is not receiving safe and appropriate care. I assume there is evidence.

He doesn’t need social services to take action because he should as her father but may benefit from social care support

I don't have any advice just wanted to say I understand your frustrations. My son's biological mother neglected him and physically abused him pretty badly. He's been no contact with her for more than five years now after moving in with me and his dad.
I will say that at least you two are aware of the issues and (hopefully) are able to support the children when they are with you.
My husband and I were aware of the neglect but did not know about the abuse. Our son lived in a different country with his biological mother and the abuse was well-hidden. Once he moved in with us the things he told us were shocking. Each one worst than the one before.
My son's biological mother raised him in a still-developing nation so there was NO SS or welfare department for us to contact about our concerns over the neglect we knew he was subjected to.
It wasn't until he moved in with us permanently that he started to talk about the physical abuse and the cruelty she subjected him to.
He's been in therapy for a very long time now and has come a long way.
Our (my) stepparent adoption application is being submitted to the court this month so that is exciting.
Sorry to hijack your thread just wanted to say I understand.

She started senior school in September so dh sent an email along with the court order, he raised the historic issues and he got a reply saying it was ‘noted’.

SS we reported last year.

I agree that your dh needs to pursue custody, even if his dd hates the idea. It will be the best thing for her. She sounds incredibly vulnerable with the staying out late and lack of boundaries....ripe to be preyed on by gangs or perverts.

In the meantime could you teach her how to wash her own clothes and look after herself a bit better? At 12 I was doing my own washing and most of the cooking at home. Have a talk about hygiene and bullying etc. Help her create a schedule for how often to wash sheets, towels uniform etc. Explain that some people struggle to manage these things for their kids (her Mum) but that she is old enough to start doing some of it herself. Also, whenever you report (repeatedly) to SS copy the school dsl in so they can support her in school.

What is her school attendance like, is he down to get communication such as school reports etc?

The lowest it gets is around 82%. At the moment it’s not too bad, she’s had about 11 days off since starting in September we worked out.

Yes we have an app etc so get full coms from school. Her Spring report was the worst one yet. It used to all be above expected. This time most were below and a couple meeting. Same for her recent Spring assessments; they were all poor.

I think your DH could do a huge amount more to improve his relationship with her. I bet he isn’t on websites voicing his concerns about it. It sounds like she has two rather neglectful parents.

Relationship with whom?

Is she year 7 or 8 and are you comparing high school to high school or too primary

Exactly. They can’t. But I can’t believe as a civilised society we are just allowing the situation to perpetuate.

And yet there are posts on the threads about benefits cuts saying there arent enough jobs to go round for able bodied people let alone ill or disabled people

With his daughter. She is currently choosing to live with her neglectful mum, not her dad. It does suggest he needs to up his game.

I get this isn't straightforward but you are claiming to be concerned but neither of you, specifically her father is actually doing anything other than tell other people in the hope that someone else takes responsibility for her - that is his job as her father.
Social services have had their funds cut to the bone and unfortunately as bad as it sounds for your step daughter they are fighting fires with even worse cases.
He clearly does not care enough to do actually do anything practical. If he was bothered sufficiently he would do something - so as poorly as her mother is parenting - he isn't any better - he is being equally neglectful by allowing it to continue.
Presumably he has parental responsibility? Collect her - take pictures of her clothes and the state of her, see a solicitor, arrange an emergency court date, refuse to let her go back - do something - anything other than a load of hand wringing.

Think a lot of people are forgetting that at 12 years old significant weight will be applied to her wishes if you go back to court.

Dad needs to step up and become the resident parent.

This is true even in neglect cases BUT being back in court may force mum to be more proactive.
Schools must take action if they suspect neglect or abuse - do you know who the safeguarding lead is? She mustn't look the way she does when she comes to you all the time.

The girl is 13 and loves her mum. How exactly would OP get her to stay?

If she is 12 you can teach her about washing herself and clothes, cleaning her teeth, brushing her hair. Is there a problem with them affording electric and water bills?

Absolutely not, they don’t struggle financially. She’s in designer shoes, coats, off on holiday in summer etc. It’s purely down to laziness I assume.

We always teach her when she’s here, also get her to cook with us so she can see how to cook healthy meals etc.

I don’t think there is a case to make her say - her attendance whilst poor isn’t awful enough to flag incision (70-79% would) and working towards isn’t out of the ordinary for high school.
she doesn’t want to be there and I don’t think there is enough here

the clothes can be explained by the mum not wanting to send the designer clothes to the Dad

try and educate teeth cleaning and diet

One thing does he have access to any school apps to check behaviour as well - negatives for uniform etc

I think that's quite unfair. It sounds like the mum moved away with the daughter. In a situation maybe she would move again! It isn't unfair to consider the other children's needs.
What a sad, sad situation op. I would massively up your writtennnotes of concern to school, local authotity etc. Maybe take.further legal advice. Best of luck