Why is the bar for neglect so low?

[tedcherries]

Is it due to the lack of resources?

I know Mumsnet is particularly touchy when it comes to speaking poorly of parents; especially mums. But this is so on going now it’s extremely frustrating.

I have watched my step daughters care and basic needs just decrease over the years and it’s just so sad. Mum will not engage with dad (my husband) whatsoever. They use a family app to communicate after my husband took her to court for some other issues. She ignores all messages (sometimes doesn’t even read them). Step daughter is just 12.

My step daughter is hugely overweight, she comes to us utterly filthy, white socks that are black and holey, orange teeth, underwear soiled, recently got her first bras but didn’t take her for a measurement; so I did and she’s wearing the totally wrong size (by inches; it must have been so uncomfortable), then the bra she came down in was grime covered with bodily oils on the straps. Her hair is long and knotted. Attendance at school is poor, assessments and reports are mostly all below average. It just goes on and on. Screen time on her phone is 70 hours on average a week; this is while she’s in school too. No parental locks etc. Has been getting taxis alone since she was 10 to go to places which are a 15/20 min walk as mum won’t walk with her. She hangs out in town until late. Mum has been leaving her alone at nights to go to the pub and ordering Domino’s for her dinner while she’s there etc. She also slept on the floor for over a year on a thin mattress and when we sent a bed to her on delivery she refused to take it in.

Mum I think needs help and educating hugely. I do think she’s doing the best that she can but these things are growing more and more out of control and it’s just so sad. I have bought a load of socks, knickers and new bras for her to take home so she has some clean ones which aren’t holey or dirty.

I know this is going to be seen as me bashing the mum but it really isn’t, we are in utter despair and are just so sad it’s on going.

Mediation doesn’t work, court; husband got what he went for which was not to do with any of this as CAFCASS didn’t seem it was necessary.

The whole issue also is that she moved 250 miles away so now we don’t see her weekly anymore and I think that is the biggest factor; as we aren’t seeing her as much as we did before. We get all holidays, half terms etc and share Christmas/New Year. We would see her more often if we financially and logistically could.

It feels like you're just here to ruminate about social services and neglect in general but I don't think many people want to participate in that. She has two parents and they are both neglecting her in different ways - your husband should be there, seeing her regularly, making sure she's clean, taking her to the dentist and hairdresser etc. I'm sorry but he is part of this neglect.

But this is what I’m here for; what are our next steps? We have spoken to school, social services, CAFCASS. What is next? I need help please. Mum will not listen at all. She won’t communicate.

Have you really only phoned once about all this ?

I would be phoning social services daily until it was looked in to.

Not to mention going back to court for full custody. Surely you’ve kept a record of all of this )

Sorry I misunderstood.

What have social services etc actually said ?

As massively impacted as living in neglect?

But even taking your stance, both parents should be prioritising their own kids in that instance. OP doesn’t want to move so her child can go to a specific school, okay, that’s her priority (although in that case stop pretending to be so deeply upset by the situation with SD when making no steps to help). But dad should absolutely be doing everything he can, move there, go through the courts, instruct a solicitor, present evidence, and if that is relationship ending with OP then so be it.

I cannot imagine any parent sitting back and letting this happen to their child.

You have to keep on at them. With logs and evidence. Make sure your or rather your husband is regularly in contact with the school as well even though he only really does holidays he can still discuss his concerns and he can ask them as well how to help her catch up on his time.

Move closer. See her regularly. Do at least 50% of the care. Then she will only be 50% neglected.

You go back to court

We can’t move, both our jobs are here. That just isn’t feasible. Two children who go to school also. We could try and see her more though for sure.

@tedcherries

Numerous people, including myself, have told you what the next steps are
Evidence
Social services
Court for full custody

Personally I think that, assuming she is coming to you for Easter, your DH should step up to protect his child, doesn't return her after the holiday and let mum take him to court

What you can do:

buy her clothes
persuade her to get a haircut (short hair doesn’t knot as much or tangle as much and it dries really quickly)
take her to the dentist when you have her
take her to the hygienist every six months

many teens do resist showers and teeth cleaning anyway. It can be a battle to get them to do it.

you could go down the “I’m treating you as an adult” route and take her to a spa and buy her lots of expensive (to her) toiletries. She’s probably more likely to shower/bath if she sees it as an adult thing to do or a luxurious experience.

TikTok has a lot of stuff on Korean toiletries - if she sees a lot of that and buys into that then it might help with the self cleaning routine.

clothes - Dettol laundry helps massively. Again, if you encourage her to bring as many clothes as she can with her and then you can wash them and get them clean. Getting a teen interested enough in laundry to wash their own clothes is a tough ask but I suppose you could try.

you could also try taking her perfume shopping - again, with the “now you are growing up” type spin. Give her a chance to try out various perfumes and buy one for herself.

doing this will probably give her some level of motivation to keep up a self care routine back at mums.

At 12 she should be more than capable of taking care of her own hygiene. She doesn't need her mum to bathe her or brush her hair or her teeth etc. The situation at her mum's seems dire and her mum should be encouraging her to keep clean and ensure she has clean clothes but she's obviously not. The next time she's at yours make sure she knows how to take care of herself. Set reminders on her phone to brush her teeth, go for a shower etc or text her when she's at her mum's. Show her how to use a washing machine so she can start washing her own clothes.

We were in a similar situation with my SD and I had to teach my SD how to wash herself and brush her own hair, teeth etc at 4 because her mum wasn't doing it. We had 50:50 so it was easier to keep tabs on and she never went too long without a bath because she'd only be at her mum's a few days at a time.

I agree though, the bar is set very low. I spoke to my friend who's a social worker and she said at the time the neglect wasn't really bad enough for SS to do anything. Basically she wasn't starved and there was a roof over her head.

Your DH should be doing everything in his power to resolve this. The sad thing is, at 12 courts generally go with what the child wants unless there's very good reason not to. Collect as much evidence as possible to support his case. Keep a diary, take photos, speak to the school, contact SS again and build a case.

I would seek legal advice, your husband can execute his parental responsibility and not return his daughter to her mum, if he has grounds to believe there is a safeguarding risk and she is at risk of significant harm.

Speak to a solicitor that specialises in family law.
Get back into court, detailing evidence of the concerns you have.

There’s jobs everywhere, children die from neglect.

Yourself aside, can you husband look his daughter in the eye and say he did everything he could? No.

I think this would ultimately distress sd though would it not? And school?

It sounds like you’re much more concerned than your husband and doing more for her than he is. If that’s the case you’re pushing water up hill trying to make any changes.

Thank you. She doesn’t bring anything with her at all. Just a handbag with make up in! Mum doesn’t allow her to bring anything.

I will take her out before she goes back for sure and get her some bits and bobs. I usually do anyway!

I’m a social worker and yes it’s definitely bad enough. It needs someone to go in and assess and see what’s what.

Short term distress is a small price to pay for long term stability and an end to the ongoing and worsening neglect. I am really surprised that your husband isn't doing more - what, practically, is he doing to improve things for his daughter?

My experience is social services are just concerned with arse covering. My own experience has included section 47 investigations but they’re a farce. They just ask for new safety plans to be signed and agreed even when the Mother is saying she can’t meet their expectations. They won’t give up custody because the children provide the income.

IMO social services focus on shifting liability back on the parent by being seen to have said the right things, so when it does go wrong they can say it wasn’t their error.

I think you're getting a lot of unfair criticism for not swooping in taking your SD to live with you full time - maybe possible for a neglected 3 year old, but she's 13, and you say loves her mother, so won't want to go. You have your other kids to think of too.

Can you and DH talk to her about what she wants from life? Whatever it is, she'll need to up her hygeine and study, so you can tell her what she needs to do to achieve it - be presentable at an interview, show she's hard working through good school reports etc. This means you're not criticising her or her mum, but helping her to reach her goals. If she says she has none, you can talk to her about her interests, how earning money gives you chances for holidays, clothes, tech - whatever might tempt her.

About hygeine, you need to push - my DS got very stinky armpits at this age, and I'd just have to tell him he needed a shower, with plenty of soap, as it was his hormones.

Trips to the dentist should be non-negotiable.

Hair is awkard - she may want to keep it long, so cutting could seem like a punishment, but maybe a trip to the hairdressers for a trim, and the hairdresser can give her tips on keeping it in good condition - could be much easier coming from you.

She's getting near to an age that if she doesn't want to visit you, it's not possible to force her, so you need to handle this sensitively.

Her mum really hasn't done her best at all.

But have already called children’s services and nothing has been done.

Why did your husband allow her to move school. If he has PR then he had to give his permission

she has a supposedly effective parent in her father.

he needs to take responsibility here instead of blaming this on social services lack of resources

My step child lives with a drug addict and social services said “they can be very good parents” we just need a safety plan so that the child isn’t in their care when they have a binge.