I am a step parent but do a lot of the work with little appreciation

[Ilovechocolate7283]

Long story as short as possible

I am a step parent and I am expecting with my DH. I do not have children (if we exclude the unborn child) and we have SC most weekends. However since we found out we had a baby on the way and with mixed emotions from SC we asked if we could increase to have SC additional days in the week as well. Their mother is very easy going and understanding so if they decide they want to spend longer with us, it’s never an issue and we will welcome it with open arms. SC are home schooled.

My DH works long distance so is out all day but get back around 5pm, as SC have requested for the last couple of weeks to stay with us. I said I was happy to home school, take the SC out and generally keep them entertained and fed on the weekdays with to me was no issue at all and SC are well aware they will be with me as I their dad is at work. I am under no illusion and completely understand they want to stay with us more so they get to see their dad more.

However this is where my frustration begins, I am halfway through my pregnancy and still having a rough time with sickness (mainly nausea but I have medication that makes it more manageable) and understandably keeping children entertained all day is hard work. The children are normally looking forward to their dad coming home or asking what time he will be back but instead my DH will often come home and have planned to go straight to the gym (usually around 1.5 hours of the evening). I have no problem with him keeping up his fitness routine as it’s essential for having a healthy mind too and when it is just the two of us this is normal and is part of the daily routine but with limited time with the kids in the evening (and one of the kids making a comment about dad going to the gym) I just mentioned it might be good to either rearrange or give it a miss to get some extra time with them.
I have done a lot the last few weeks such as cinema trips, park trips, shopping, taking them to new activity classes, educational day trips as much as I can to keep the kids busy on top of the normal feeding, teaching etc. It has all been going pretty smoothly and although miffed a couple of times it wasn’t anything I was that bothered about.

There been evenings my DH has had a hard day at work and can be quite snappy which I recently I’ve taken personally as I don’t deserve to be at the receiving end especially when I’m trying to help out so much. There was a day he had finished early and I asked if he could help me with the food shopping as I was exhausted and again his response was pretty snappy, I didn’t say much to keep the environment in the house calm but thought I’d bring it up at a later date. My SC do have attitudes from time to time usual teen/child behaviour however I have noticed recently they never say please or thank you and are never called out for it, they are pretty much allowed to speak to us as they please. I don’t get involved in the discipline side and I don’t think it’s my place however the last couple of days SC have been really rude, and also to me.

We went on a day trip the other day and I know with children not every day is a good day and I very much expect the good with the bad, however this was a particularly bad day behaviour wise, no please no thank you, being told to shut up, ignored or told to p off (The shut up and p off is normally directed more towards him). I know it’s because I’m worn out but it really upset me as my DH didn’t call SC out for this as he didn’t want to end the few weeks on a bad note and be “bad guy” I’ve been doing so much recently for my DH, and to me it feels like it’s without much appreciation. Maybe I’m just being sensitive but I’ve also done so much for the children too so thought he would at least sit them down and explain it’s not how you treat people and to have a bit more respect.

I do want to add I had severe morning sickness from around 8-16 weeks and my DH was amazing, he picked up pretty much 100% of everything as I couldn’t do a thing, and had to deal with a very emotional and mentally drained me. Which I know will have been hard for work.

I partly feel like I am being unreasonable but I’m not sure?

How can it not be your place to discipline them when their parents are happy for you to do literally everything else? Why are you home schooling DC that you have no say in the schooling of? There are so many things wrong with this situation. Those DC have two parents, neither of which are you. Make them step up, none of it is your job.

Thank you for providing that clarification.

I do think that the passion/vehemence that you read as belittling comes from a frustration on the part of posters who have been there, done that, know all the knobs and buttons that got pressed to turn a sane woman into a doormat and want to rescue you from/for your better self that is being completely exploited.
Typos

It is absolutely absurd op that his children are coming for the day with him and he then trots off immediately to the gym. How did you not laugh in his face and tell him not to be so bloody stupid?

Message heard loud and clear, no more homeschooling from my end 💗
And that I’m well within my rights to be pissed off at the whole situation.

Just to reassure you all I may be a bit mad but not absolutely bonkers (I promise). After announcing my pregnancy to SC my SD (the eldest) did not take it so well and was worried her relationship would change. We then sat down and discussed how she was feeling and I suggested they have additional days us to help try to reassure them their relationships wouldn’t change. After a nice weekend together the eldest asked to stay longer, my DH asked what I thought as he would obviously be at work and I agreed after not having much on that week. The first week was not so bad but it is the weeks they have been here since then that has been the issue. But now that I know I’m justified. I will not be offering again… I am actually very academic and well educated but I definitely bit off more than I could chew.

Homeschooling occurred as a result of bullying at school for SC and didn’t want to split them up but waitlists to get into new schools are ridiculously slow. It’s by no means the ideal situation at all but I know the intentions were from a good place, it’s just not what I would have done personally.

Firstly, Stop. Just stop. Nobody gives a shit that you are busting a gut for these entitled, ungrateful kids. Especially not their entitled, ungrateful father.
Let everyone know that you’re done. If they’re at your place and they are supposed to home school, let them have at it. Don’t get involved. If they dick around on Snapchat all day, it’s not your problem. If they want food, they can call their Daddy Dearest. You sort yourself out.
Day out? They can get the bus.
You need to look at your ability to get back to work asap and get your own ducks in a town because honestly, I don’t think this deadshit is a keeper.

@summer3219 it was more a personal choice particularly with the eldest as we’ve always gotten along and I took more of a friend/aunt style approach. But I am honestly at the end of my year tether with this behaviour. I will never get my head around why it is allowed and why my in laws also don’t raise an eyebrow at it.

My family are just so different and in my parents household it would NEVER be allowed. My in laws are very hands off and throughout his childhood his grandparents did a lot of the parenting, so I have been always been mindful of this. My parents set the perfect example of how parents and grandparents should be.

I have spoken to him and said if he doesn’t address this behaviour I’m going to begin to take myself out of the situation when this type of thing happens again. And that unfortunately he cannot always be the good guy as I sets a terrible example to the children of how they should treat and speak to people. They most definitely are not allowed to speak like that with their mother as they have mentioned she rarely allows swearing from any of them. I have also said that this needs nipping in the bud before our new arrival comes as I will not tolerate that sort of behaviour and if it continues I will do what is best for me and my child. Probably a bit harsh but it’s the truth.

@arethereanyleftatall oh god no the rage inside me reared its little head, I told him to get his priorities straight and his children were here to spend time with him, we also have a dog that needs walking daily so I told him the dog needs walking too and I’ve done enough today.

We had a pretty stern discussion in which I’ve told him, his actions show I’m not appreciated or valued and I’ve been bending over backwards with f all in return. That I will not be the brunt of his bad day and certainly will not spoken to by his children how I have been and it’s for him to sort out. Reinforcing please and thank you’s is not a difficult task and I have witnessed him do it when he is really miffed at the kids behaviour. There have been other problems with comments or the behaviour of the IL towards me which he’s not stepped in and called it out so I have very much said if it doesn’t change, as much as it’s not how I saw this going I’m out.

My friends and my family know I will always stand up for what’s right, it doesn’t matter who is in the wrong I call people out on their BS as I don’t like unkind behaviour. He has never had to witness it because my family have respect and treat people well however if someone was to do something out of line towards him, I would be the first to step in and say something. It’s beyond frustrating and hurtful to be with someone who will sit and allow it to happen in front of his face. I have no intention of dealing with this for the rest of my life.

The reason the children come round is to spend time with him, not just to be out of their mother’s care.
If he keeps going to the gym I would say you aren’t having them anymore. He needs to spend time with them.
if the eldest is worried about the new baby and being pushed out then dad needs to spend time with them and make them feel included.

i am also not a fan of homeschooling, but these things happen. It takes a huge amount of effort though. If neither parent wants to take that on then don’t get involved, it’s for them to sort out.

OP! You should never be spoken to like this.
Sounds like neither of their bio parents are prepared to put in the graft you are.
Step away now - or when you have your baby and (understandably) need to focus on the baby you'll fast be brandished 'the wicked stepmother'.

You can be a welcoming, caring Stepmum without taking on 100% of everything.

🌺

Does you DH not have parental rights? If he does then of course he's allowed a day in his kids school. Honestly, these bloody passive men who just let their ex's call all the shots, it's pathetic. And now his current partner is having to take on the responsibility from a stupid decision he did nothing to fight against. He really is just getting on with his own life while the women make all the decisions and pick up all of his slack. That would seriously give me the ick.

God help you OP that you felt the need to become a skivvy while pregnant.

If you have even a smidgen of sense or self respect, you will pack a bag and go and stay with your family and rest up.

All this stress is not good for your growing baby.

He is a lazy selfish man child and a shit father.

That he would go to the gym after work when you have been silly enough to mind HIS children all day, tells me EVERYTHING about this loser.

That he was curt and snappy with you is consistent with him being a selfish twat.

Go stay with your family and look at counselling for self esteem and self respect.

It really isn't healthy or normal to want to put yourself under such unnecessary stress during pregnancy.
Read up on stress during pregnancy, its not good for baby or you.

You need a complete rest.
Keep your family and friends close to you.
When you choose to have a child with a selfish loser, life tends to be very hard and you will need all the support you can get.

Good for you for speaking up. You shouldn’t have to have a reason to ask for change, but your pregnancy progressing is a change that he can’t deny. You must tell him that things are getting harder for you as birth time approaches, and that you can’t continue to do the things for his children that you’ve been doing especially if he isn’t able to be home more and help out a lot more. Any guy who thinks his need to go to the gym is more important than his wife’s pregnancy is not a good person. It’s pretty obvious that things get tougher as a pregnancy goes along, and more time will be drained away for the baby and your well-being, as you near end of term.

You literally just have to say (sounds like you have), “I can’t do the homeschooling anymore. It’s gotten to be too much, things are different now than when I was less far along. And I need your help more now. I don’t go to the gym, but I also need to make time for my own exercise and health. I’d like you to give up half of your gym days so that I can have that time to go exercise/take a walk myself.” Do you have a different solution about what additional duties you can take on to free up more time for me to take care of my health, please tell me.”

If he tries to tell you that you’re changing your arrangement, or that the kids will be upset, you just have to tell him, well, being pregnant is difficult and it just is what it is. Each phase is different, and you’re entering the phase now when you can’t do the things you used to do.

@TryingToBeLogical thank you. He has held his hands up and said he was wrong for the gym situation and he accepts that. I have just made it very clear I did it so he could see the kids a bit more, but it’s not my responsibility and wipes out any time I normally have to get stuff done so going forward it will have to be different or he will have to take time off if he wants to change the weekday schedule.

He’s not really said anything to disagree with me, but he holds this terrible guilt as he doesn’t get anything from his teenage child and they open up more to me… I am not a parent currently as such so I have no idea how this must feel as a parent but I also was a teenager and just see that as normal teenager behaviour. My parents were never young parents, so in my world they couldn’t possibly understand what as going on in my life when I was a teen so I never really opened up to them so maybe I’m wrong to think this is the norm…

I just don’t think he understands how exhausting pregnancy is… but hey neither did I until I experienced it myself. I feel incredibly guilty myself for not having been the for my friends a little bit more but I honestly had no idea and that’s a bit how I think he must also feel. But it’s always where a lot of my frustrations lie, so it’s difficult some times.