Break down

[2025letsmakeitthebest]

This weekend I hit my lowest in many many years and I broke down. I couldn't talk or think or do anything.
After initially blending really well the last 6-12 months have drained the life out of me. Sc has been consistently ignoring me and it came to a head this weekend. I felt my weekends with my own Children were being ruined and I had enough.
I suffer from long term mental health issues, ptsd, anxiety and lots more. In my head now sc has built up to being a huge trigger for my mental health. It's so hard as people are so quick to judge and I can't openly talk about my struggles.
The answer is not to leave my dh before anyone suggests it. We are very much in love and we are working hard to navigate all this and to keep everyone as happy as can be.
I just needed to get this off my chest.
The doctor is increasing my medications and I'm trying to put my mental health first.

You've made a decision to just survive your life for yourself and your children by saying splitting up isn't an option.

At the very least is living separately an option?

Obviously we don't know what's happening, but you and your DC aren't side characters in your husband's life story.

Make yourself the main character and prioritise yourself and your children, nobody else will.

Living apart would mean him living far away which would make it hard work. Sc is only here eow during term time so I'm thinking of taking my children out for the day when they come over.
Gp has told me today that I need to prioritise my mental health so I need to be focusing on that a lot more and not being such a people pleaser.
Dh is amazing and is trying his best to help in any way he can.

What's he doing about your SC ignoring you? That's not acceptable.

Both he and his exw have spoken to sc and explained it is not acceptable. They are struggling to come to terms with parents not being together even though they separated 5 years ago.

How long have you been with your BF? How long have you known the children? How long have you lived together?

We are married. Been together 4 years and living together for 3.

Okay, so the children's parents had only separated a year when you got together? And only 2 years when you then moved into a house together with your own DC? And got married somewhere in between?

Do you think that was all a bit fast and that, as they're growing up, they've realised they're actually really unhappy with the situation? That in the space of just two years, their father has another wife, who has brought children with her and their entire life as they knew it has completely changed? I think empathy is definitely required here, that's so much for anyone to deal with.

How old are the children?

Yes I do completely understand this is a really hard situation for sc too. I honestly do feel for them as my own parents split up at a similar age and I struggled.

My own mental health stems from a fear of abandonment and ptsd issues and I'm just struggling to navigate having somebody in my home who used to adore me and now clearly wants nothing to do with me. Sc is 7.

What ages are your own children? Is SC feeling put out that they hardly see their father but that this whole new family lives with him all the time? How many DC do you have a what ages are they?

Mine are 10, 13 and 15.

Sc has never mentioned anything about my children or sharing time. Hasn't yet asked why they live with dh.
Sc has said they wish mum and dad lived together which is something I remember going through myself as a child.

Can your DH takes more of an equal share in parenting for his DC. EoW is not a lot, especially of your DC live full time in the home. Im just thinking if SDC integrate more with the family it may resolve some issues. It may be hard for them to share the little time they have with the father with other family members.

Dh also sees sc once a week for the evening after school and sc is here more often in school holidays. Due to where we live sc can't stay here during the week term time as it's too far from their school. We were doing it but exw wasn't happy that sc ended up 10 mins late to school on the days with us. So dh had to compromise to collecting sc from school that day and dropping them home in time for bed.

Do they have their own room in your home?

They share with my eldest but the room is split in half with dividers so they each have their own personal space.

So the 7year old is sharing with a 15year old?

After all of your additional detail I can honestly understand why this child is now pissed off. They've probably realised that life has changed completely and utterly and are directing their anger at you. When they were 4 it probably seemed like an adventure and reality is now dawning and is pretty shit.

This was all far too fast. This child who only sees their father 4 days a month now has a bunch of older kids and another woman in the house they have to visit their father in. They don't even have their own space in the house, I'm sure they probably feel like a complete afterthought in your DHs life.

Why do they live so far apart? Who moved away?

I have sympathy for you op but the reality is that this poor 7yr old needs some heavy imput and to be the focus of how to rectify this situation or they suffer the risk of ending up in a similar state as you which would be a real tragedy.
That could very well mean that your husband needs to move closer to his child for a while, has this not been considered?

They share with 13 year old. They have their own half of the bedroom with their own tv, toys, books and iPad etc.
As I've said they also see dad during the week just not at our house and they also stay over a lot more in the holidays.

I think it is absolutely key you take control of your mental health.

The irony is your mental health is struggling because you and your DH made pretty shitty decisions that have likely caused significant trauma to his child who had no choice in them.

His child isn't responsible for your mental health, positive or otherwise. How ever the difference is you and your DH are responsible for the emotional well-being of the kids you both decided to force into living in a shared space and family unit.

If medication along with therapy trauma specific doesn't improve the situation then it is that simple that your choice is to separate or suck it up. Your life choices wont be compatable with your mental health conditions.

And it seems much more isn't you and your children that are side characters in the life he has decided to live, but his child

Also that age gap for shared space for children isn't really appropriate, never mind the fact they aren't biologically related. Is there an option to change them.

My children need a room each due to health conditions and additional needs. We have taken the spare very small reception as our bedroom.
Only other option would be sc losing their own space and sleeping on the sofa.
But as I said, the room is divided so they have privacy.

Half a room with an unrelated child double their age is not their own space. I thought you said they shared with your eldest?

Seeing them an evening a week for a couple of hours and 4 days a month is not being an involved parent, even despite staying longer in the holidays. Your DH is spending more time with your DC than he is his own. This child is obviously feeling upset about this new 'normal' that has been enforced on them and you are the target... and frankly, I can't blame them in the slightest.

Why do they live so far apart? Did your DH move? Why can't you get them to school without being 10mins late?

Sorry I didn't mean to say my eldest.
We live half hour away but dh doesn't drive.
We looked at moving to the same town as sc when we moved in together but the rental market here is crazy and the only place we got accepted in was closer to my dc school. It also made sense rather than changing schools for 3 children 2 of which are in special needs units.
Sc sees his dad as much as my dc see theirs tbh and it is the routine that has fitted in around everyone's needs.
Sc was 2 when parents split so doesn't remember ever living with my dh.

So your SCs father is prioritising the needs of two of your kids at the detriment of his child and your confused or "triggered" by the fact his child is rejecting all of you.

But ultimately it's their fathers fault for putting them in this position. At 7 though they don't have the emotional intelligence to recognise that it's ultimately his choices that have led to this.

@Whatado dh sees his child the same amount as he was before we even met. Infact sc gets to spend more nights with dad as dad now has a suitable home environment before him whereas when I met dh he was in a bed sit.

I get the impression your household is chaotic between your own MH problems and two of your own children having additional needs which may include hard to deal with behaviours and not having their own true space.... you can't blame a 7yr old for not enjoying being there. Ignoring you seems to be the politest protest they can manage imo.
The child does not want to be there, their father needs to thing about what's in his child's bets interests.

Are you the person whose husband can’t work due to health you had good advice on last thread ?