Page 4 | Break down

2025letsmakeitthebest · 2025-01-23T18:11:23+00:00

This weekend I hit my lowest in many many years and I broke down. I couldn't talk or think or do anything. After initially blending really well the last 6-12 months have drained the life out of me. Sc has been consistently ignoring me and it came to a head this weekend. I felt my weekends with my own Children were being ruined and I had enough. I suffer from long term mental health issues, ptsd, anxiety and lots more. In my head now sc has built up to being a huge trigger for my mental health. It's so hard as people are so quick to judge and I can't openly talk about my struggles. The answer is not to leave my dh before anyone suggests it. We are very much in love and we are working hard to navigate all this and to keep everyone as happy as can be. I just needed to get this off my chest. The doctor is increasing my medications and I'm trying to put my mental health first.

Original poster

2025letsmakeitthebest · 27/01/2025 16:58

MrsSchrute · 27/01/2025 16:51

Why isn't DH moving out an option?

Many reasons.
Firstly he couldn't afford it.
Secondly he'd be a 2 hour bus journey from me so we'd struggle to see each other.
Third I don't want to be married to someone I don't live with.
If things were that bad I'd rather we weren't together.
I'm trying my best to heal things and make everyone feel happy.

OP posts:

TomatoSandwiches · 27/01/2025 17:00

Just dump and divorce him op, he has caused so much stress, doesn't work, doesn't drive, doesn't put his child first... he is not good.

Parsley1234 · 27/01/2025 17:16

He doesn’t drive he doesn’t work he’s a millstone what does he do ?

WeightLoss2025 · 27/01/2025 17:42

Blossomingflowers · 26/01/2025 18:01

@2025letsmakeitthebest please ignore @WeightLoss2025… this person can be found on many step parenting threads and often asks a lot of questions to give lots of unhelpful criticism and not a lot of helpful advice.

@WeightLoss2025 rather than asking so many questions to be outright vile in your response, maybe you need to ask yourself why on gods earth, if you don’t agree with blended families and step parenting, you seem to find yourself falling into the step parenting threads… it’s rather odd

Finding this comment hilarious... I've looked back and I have commented on 5 step parenting threads in the last 6 months (out of possibly nearly 100 total)... 2 of which are OPs!

I ask so many questions so that posters have the opportunity to look at the situation holistically and offer educated advice as opposed to information being drip fed.

I don't think any of my responses on this forum are ever vile thank you very kindly.

I have commented on some of these threads because I have wide ranging experience of 'blended families' and step parenting both from my own lived experience, that of my DC and the numerous friends and family who are in step family set up. I offer perspectives and advice in the hope that the pitfalls I've experienced can be avoided.

WeightLoss2025 · 27/01/2025 17:44

@2025letsmakeitthebest do you not think that your children might be resentful at having to vacate their home to allow your DH and SC time together? I know if I told my DC they had to be out of their home because of another child they'd be unhappy. Do you normally bring all of your children out for full days together during the weekend any?

Original poster

2025letsmakeitthebest · 27/01/2025 17:52

WeightLoss2025 · 27/01/2025 17:44

@2025letsmakeitthebest do you not think that your children might be resentful at having to vacate their home to allow your DH and SC time together? I know if I told my DC they had to be out of their home because of another child they'd be unhappy. Do you normally bring all of your children out for full days together during the weekend any?

I do try and do things one day a weekend and then have another day to chill at home. My kids will love going out for some quality time and it gives dh and sc the chance to have a nice day together too. Maybe they will decide to go out and I stay home. Either way to me it's the best of both worlds. We still fet to live together and the children get the one on one time with parent they need

OP posts:

MandSCrisps · 27/01/2025 18:17

Usually I think step parents get a hard time on here. In this case you need to give your head a wobble.
Hes a little boy. All he knows is his dad doesn’t want to live near him and would rather live with 3 other children.

If he doesn’t sort this by the time he gets to secondary he will stop coming to visit anyway.
If your DH can’t be arsed to go and see him another evening a week anyway it’s pointless.

He doesn’t just need to spend a little bit more alone time with him when he visits, he needs to spend a lot more time with him. A lot.
Do DHs parents live near SS, so he could stay over there? Is there a hobby they could start together? Any scope to take him away occasionally, coach trip breaks?
It doesn’t sound like he’s that arsed anyway.

Original poster

2025letsmakeitthebest · 27/01/2025 18:45

MandSCrisps · 27/01/2025 18:17

Usually I think step parents get a hard time on here. In this case you need to give your head a wobble.
Hes a little boy. All he knows is his dad doesn’t want to live near him and would rather live with 3 other children.

If he doesn’t sort this by the time he gets to secondary he will stop coming to visit anyway.
If your DH can’t be arsed to go and see him another evening a week anyway it’s pointless.

He doesn’t just need to spend a little bit more alone time with him when he visits, he needs to spend a lot more time with him. A lot.
Do DHs parents live near SS, so he could stay over there? Is there a hobby they could start together? Any scope to take him away occasionally, coach trip breaks?
It doesn’t sound like he’s that arsed anyway.

Dh parents are a bit unusual. He doesn't hear from his mum unless he messages her. She only sees sc if we take him there which we try and do a few times a year but they live far away too.
Dh could certainly take sc away in time when he has a bit more money spare. I am encouraging him to spend more time with sc but that's out of my control. I can only suggest it.

OP posts:

MandSCrisps · 27/01/2025 18:50

Yes absolutely you can’t control DH. But you can’t be surprised that SS doesn’t want to speak to you/visit eventually. He’s the only person who can fix this.
the question is why you would want to be with someone who can’t be bothered to put the effort in with his own child.

Original poster

2025letsmakeitthebest · 27/01/2025 18:58

MandSCrisps · 27/01/2025 18:50

Yes absolutely you can’t control DH. But you can’t be surprised that SS doesn’t want to speak to you/visit eventually. He’s the only person who can fix this.
the question is why you would want to be with someone who can’t be bothered to put the effort in with his own child.

I can totally understand why sc is struggling I'm just struggling with being ignored. Hence why I'm trying to come up with a way to help sc whilst also looking after my own mental health.
I choose to be with my dh as he treats me well. My exh was emotionally abusive. Dh treats me like a princess. He is respectful and supportive of me.

OP posts:

excelledyourself · 27/01/2025 19:07

You don't seem at all confident that your husband will take any of your suggestions re increasing one on one time onboard. You've said you don't think he will, and that you'll support his decision.

Even though that is, at a bare minimum, what you and his son both need him to do in order to protect your mental health.

Doesn't that tell you everything you need to know about him?

Hayley1256 · 27/01/2025 19:19

Why is he paying hus exs mortgage if he's on benefits? The sharing room situation is unfair on the 15 & 7 year old. I would really see if you can push for a bigger property and try to get DH to learn how to drive. It also sounds like you need to bond with SC

Original poster

2025letsmakeitthebest · 27/01/2025 19:44

Hayley1256 · 27/01/2025 19:19

Why is he paying hus exs mortgage if he's on benefits? The sharing room situation is unfair on the 15 & 7 year old. I would really see if you can push for a bigger property and try to get DH to learn how to drive. It also sounds like you need to bond with SC

He is still responsible for his share of the mortgage benefits or not. It has been to court and we are waiting for it all to be finalised. Once that is sorted he will be in a much financial position as the solicitor is costing a lot!
Right now I don't think sc wants to bond. I think he needs time with his dad mainly. Then when he's more settled I can focus on bonding.

OP posts:

FallenRaingel · 27/01/2025 21:21

How is the mortgage with the ex not sorted yet when you are married to him?

Is this a force of sale court order? He's on benefits and won't be buying another house. His name could have been removed and ex paid the full mortgage on her own house.

bumbleclat · 27/01/2025 21:48

OP. From sad experience: MN is notoriously threatened by step mothers so please can I encourage you to let any nastiness wash over you.

I banned my step DC from my home.
Best decision of my life.
DH had contact out of the house for a while until SDC ‘cut him off’ for ‘taking my side’.

I couldn’t bring my own child up in a horrible, tense, bleak, strained atmosphere and the awful mind games DSD and her mother enjoyed playing on DH and I made me feel I would lose my mental and/ or physical health if it continued.

2 years later and we are all peaceful and thriving. Just because you’re a step mother it doesn’t mean it’s your job to single handedly take every bit of abuse coming your way in your own home.

PM me if you need to talk. It’s very hard but you must be strong.

Original poster

2025letsmakeitthebest · 27/01/2025 21:51

FallenRaingel · 27/01/2025 21:21

How is the mortgage with the ex not sorted yet when you are married to him?

Is this a force of sale court order? He's on benefits and won't be buying another house. His name could have been removed and ex paid the full mortgage on her own house.

She has dragged everything out as much as possible. She was not in a financial position to take the mortgage on despite lying to the court multiple times. It is now being sold. The little equity there is will be used up paying the loans off that dh has had to take out for court and solicitor!

OP posts:

Original poster

2025letsmakeitthebest · 27/01/2025 21:52

bumbleclat · 27/01/2025 21:48

OP. From sad experience: MN is notoriously threatened by step mothers so please can I encourage you to let any nastiness wash over you.

I banned my step DC from my home.
Best decision of my life.
DH had contact out of the house for a while until SDC ‘cut him off’ for ‘taking my side’.

I couldn’t bring my own child up in a horrible, tense, bleak, strained atmosphere and the awful mind games DSD and her mother enjoyed playing on DH and I made me feel I would lose my mental and/ or physical health if it continued.

2 years later and we are all peaceful and thriving. Just because you’re a step mother it doesn’t mean it’s your job to single handedly take every bit of abuse coming your way in your own home.

PM me if you need to talk. It’s very hard but you must be strong.

Thank you so much. Someone that finally understands. How old was your sc when you did that?

OP posts:

flummingbird · 28/01/2025 10:43

From the other side - my DD's dad has remarried and over the last year my DD has started withdrawing at his house (not speaking to anyone unless a direct question, sitting looking miserable). He's cut contact time as "they can't cope" with her not speaking or interacting. She's an 8 year old kid that's having a hard time adapting, having to share a room with a step sibling and two households that run completely differently, and she is bored there. Her dad can't be arsed to try and fix the situation by spending good quality time with her, he thinks she should just blend in seamlessly too, so it's going to get to the point where she just doesn't go any more and as far as I am concerned that's all on him. he will lose out, but also it will cause her issues in the long term, how can it not. Massively frustrating from my side as I have tried everything but there is nothing I can do to fix it, it has to come from him.

NewYearStillFat · 28/01/2025 10:47

WeightLoss2025 · 23/01/2025 19:39

Half a room with an unrelated child double their age is not their own space. I thought you said they shared with your eldest?

Seeing them an evening a week for a couple of hours and 4 days a month is not being an involved parent, even despite staying longer in the holidays. Your DH is spending more time with your DC than he is his own. This child is obviously feeling upset about this new 'normal' that has been enforced on them and you are the target... and frankly, I can't blame them in the slightest.

Why do they live so far apart? Did your DH move? Why can't you get them to school without being 10mins late?

How is that helpful? OP has come on to discuss her thoughts and feelings, you’ve just dismissed her altogether and gone off on a tangent.

OP have you considered talking therapy?

Original poster

2025letsmakeitthebest · 28/01/2025 12:49

flummingbird · 28/01/2025 10:43

From the other side - my DD's dad has remarried and over the last year my DD has started withdrawing at his house (not speaking to anyone unless a direct question, sitting looking miserable). He's cut contact time as "they can't cope" with her not speaking or interacting. She's an 8 year old kid that's having a hard time adapting, having to share a room with a step sibling and two households that run completely differently, and she is bored there. Her dad can't be arsed to try and fix the situation by spending good quality time with her, he thinks she should just blend in seamlessly too, so it's going to get to the point where she just doesn't go any more and as far as I am concerned that's all on him. he will lose out, but also it will cause her issues in the long term, how can it not. Massively frustrating from my side as I have tried everything but there is nothing I can do to fix it, it has to come from him.

You sound like a lovely mum who cares. Sadly sc mum isn't interested in helping him. Would rather pretend everything is ok.

@NewYearStillFat thanks for the support. I have reached out to a local support group and I start tomorrow

OP posts:

bumbleclat · 28/01/2025 19:23

2025letsmakeitthebest · 27/01/2025 21:52

Thank you so much. Someone that finally understands. How old was your sc when you did that?

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It was always hard but it got increasingly unbearable when she was 16/17 because her and her mum seemed to be treating terrorising me and DH as their main form of entertainment.
it was then that I said STOP. 🛑

Blinkagain · 19/06/2025 08:39

2025letsmakeitthebest · 26/01/2025 08:51

He does already do this. Picks sc up from school and takes them out for food during the week.

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How does he do this given your dh can’t drive?

Blinkagain · 19/06/2025 08:50

2025letsmakeitthebest · 26/01/2025 22:03

He doesn't work due to ill health and receives benefits.

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And from his benefits he manages to pay half or a mortgage and maintenance for a child he has eow?

Original poster

2025letsmakeitthebest · 19/06/2025 09:07

Blinkagain · 19/06/2025 08:50

And from his benefits he manages to pay half or a mortgage and maintenance for a child he has eow?

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I’m not sure why you’re digging up my old posts. I don’t want to discuss these any further thanks

OP posts:

Blinkagain · 19/06/2025 09:08

But they are relevant, very relevant.

All these kids have been through one hell of a time of it OP and home life is chaotic. So yes, stressful for you but also bloody stressful for them