Break down

[2025letsmakeitthebest]

This weekend I hit my lowest in many many years and I broke down. I couldn't talk or think or do anything.
After initially blending really well the last 6-12 months have drained the life out of me. Sc has been consistently ignoring me and it came to a head this weekend. I felt my weekends with my own Children were being ruined and I had enough.
I suffer from long term mental health issues, ptsd, anxiety and lots more. In my head now sc has built up to being a huge trigger for my mental health. It's so hard as people are so quick to judge and I can't openly talk about my struggles.
The answer is not to leave my dh before anyone suggests it. We are very much in love and we are working hard to navigate all this and to keep everyone as happy as can be.
I just needed to get this off my chest.
The doctor is increasing my medications and I'm trying to put my mental health first.

Yes he does pay maintenance and half his exw mortgage. Sc is well provided for.

@2025letsmakeitthebest please ignore @WeightLoss2025… this person can be found on many step parenting threads and often asks a lot of questions to give lots of unhelpful criticism and not a lot of helpful advice.

@WeightLoss2025 rather than asking so many questions to be outright vile in your response, maybe you need to ask yourself why on gods earth, if you don’t agree with blended families and step parenting, you seem to find yourself falling into the step parenting threads… it’s rather odd

Thanks for that. Going off these forums nobody should ever blend which just doesn't seem the best to me 🤷‍♀️

This

Perfectly written

This was a terrible idea, all because you "are very much in love". The children are the ones who will suffer as a consequence.

In a large majority of the time they shouldn't

I know far more dysfunctional and toxic blended families than somewhat healthy and functioning ones.

And even in ones that work well, there is still high levels of inequality potential, resentment, jealousy etc.

The list is endless. That doesn't mean there can't be happy times and close relationships, but they don't always, and sometimes the couple should 100% "unblend" but they don't.

I honestly think it's routed in fear of fucking another family unit up, that people put up with much more than in a nuclear family and ignore to keep the relationship going.

@Whatado I definitely think you're right with the fear of messing up a second family unit.
That does play on my mind sometimes. It's tough, there are 4 children in this blend. 2 love it, 1 isn't sure and the other isn't happy. Breaking it would devastate the 2 that love it along with myself and dh.
It's just bloody tough and had I known it at the start I would never have got with somebody with a child.
But hindsight is pretty pointless now. I'm just trying to help everyone the best I can. In the meantime my mental health is taking a hammering.

Your children will not be getting the best of you if your mental health is taking a hammering.

Is that fair on them?

And didn't you say your DD didn't like having a man in the house? Or wasn't keen on him? Is that fair?

You place a lot of emphasis on DSS but if you step outside it's not really ideal for at least half the family.

You certainly aren't happy.

Is it really worth it?

This. I can’t imagine it’s a pleasant situation for any of you?

He doesn't drive or work.

Blimey OP, this must be really hard work for you?

This particular OP has been posting multiple threads of this situation for months. Refusing to accept that the 7 year old is not the problem and getting nastier about the child each time. Lazy husband can't drive because he has medical problems. All the children have problems and OP does too. But it's the 7 year old who is the problem.

Imo this op is deliberately trying to provoke reactions.

@FallenRaingel I'm not being nasty about my sc be am I trying to provoke a reaction.
I am trying to come to a solution that suits everyone or at least the majority that are involved.
I also have only done 2 or 3 posts looking for some advice which I have taken on board. Please see the new post I've added to step parenting.

@Kitchensinktoday yes it is all very hard. It's me doing all the running around for sc only to be ignored.
Then I come on here for support and get hammered.

I know this is probably be a non-starter, but could you stay together but live apart (apologies if this has already been suggested)? I say this kindly, and was a step child and am now a step parent.

@Kitchensinktoday we can't due to the distance but I am however considering some changes. I feel like the whole blend needs to start from scratch and build back up slowly with regard to sc.
I am going to suggest to dh that when sc is over this weekend I take my children out for the day and he spends some quality one on one time with his child. I think this is what sc needs. More time with dad. I have also suggested dh goes down to see sc an extra evening in the week but I don't think he will, but it's his choice and I would 100% support it.
Yes I'm struggling with sc but I am not a monster. I want to find a way to rebuild our relationship as we were so close at the start. I fear that other people have whispered things in his ear to confuse him as the change was literally overnight.
Dh tends to bury his head in the sand for a quiet life but I like to face things and solve them. I am trying to do what is best for everyone here. That includes the children they are happy and those that are struggling.
My eldest dd is happy now. She has changed to 50/50 with my exh and she is now enjoying her time here a lot more. My other two children adore dh and always have.
The focus now is on helping sc to navigate the difficulties they are facing. I'm not just going to run away and leave him at a time he needs support the most.

If he doesn't work how does he pay maintenance and half ew mortgage?

I never understand why everyone has to be in such a rush when blending families - if you take time to move in together, to get married you can hopefully make sure everyone is comfortable with the situation, you have a home that will work as best as possible for everyone concerned. I suspect it’s often the men who push to cohabit as they want the home comforts and support with childcare provided by a new wife.

He doesn't work due to ill health and receives benefits.

I honestly thought taking a year was taking it slowly. I can see now that people suggest a lot longer.

Moving in together after a year isn’t taking it slowly even if you don’t have kids! I would think dating for a year would be the minimum before moving in together

@jolies1 everyone is different.

I appreciate that - just a comment that rushing into cohabiting without really thinking it through often ends in tears. As per your post.

You’re so busy defending your situation trying to make it right you just don’t see what a mess you’ve made

@Parsley1234 I am honestly taking it all on board. Sorry if I come across as defensive, I'm trying to explain things.

I have listened and taken on board all the advice on my previous posts. Some of it wasn't easy to hear but I respect everyone's opinions.
Dh moving out isn't an option so it's either we make it work or we split. I am keen to put the work in to make things work and for us all to be happy.
So, moving forwards. It's clear sc wants more time with dad. I have suggested dh goes to see sc an extra evening during the week but it's up to him if he takes this on.
I will never stop sc coming here eow as it's his second home and where his dad is, but I can't carry on as it has been.
So I'm thinking of how it can work best and maybe I'll go out with my kids during the day so dh and sc can have the day to bond and do their own thing. Does this seem fair? I have a feeling dh is going to feel like it's causing a divide as he wants us all to blend and get on lovely. But at the moment there is upset on both sides and I feel some time apart and slowly build back up would be best.
Does this seem like a good plan to people? I don't want to cause any additional drama or pain to anyone.

Why isn't DH moving out an option?