DP wants my teenager to contribute for food

[Anuta77]

I have a 16 year old son who was abandonned by his father (no maintenance) et lives with me full time. He recently started working, a few hours Saturday and Sunday on minimum salary.
My DP has 2 adult children (18, 22 and 24) for whom he still pays maintenance. The 18 year old still visits us EOW.
We have a 7 year old together.

We have a common account where we contribute 50-50 and the common expenses come out from there, so my DP considers that he pays for my son because his contribution covers half of his food and electricity bills. I pay my son's other expenses from my personal account. I also pay some of our common child's expenses myself and sometimes pay for some of DP things, just because I'm the one who likes shopping. DP never shops for anything interesting for me, so I never get anything personal from him. I also invite us to restaurants occasionnally and contribute more if we go on vacation. That's sort of my contribution because my DP pays for my son. I also contributed to our common son's study account all by myself. DP says that he has no money to contribute because he pays for my teenager (doesn't matter that his 24 year old should have been financially independant by now, but he's taking his time travelling instead of finishing his diploma and still needs at least 2 years to get it and the 22 year old didn't even enter the uni for the same reasons).

I also agreed to buy an expensive electric car so that my DP could go pick up and/or visit his children in another town and he still uses it for work purposes and discounts expenses on it as a freelancer. I use it too, but only when he doesnt need it. We paid for this car 7 years 50-50.

I also can't imagine how we would calculate my son's portion of food and electricity. Not to mention my DP's daughter's, even if she comes less often, if my son would pay for his expenses, why should I pay for my SD? Just by principle. I think it would be super messy and ridiculous. And disgusting.

My DP always made somewhat more than me, but this year has been more difficult for him, however when I made less than him, I just managed.

Any advice on how to manage this situation?

When I suggest this, he gets angree and says why should he stop paying for his son to pay for mine and I do see the point. He's legally obliged to pay for his sons while they are studying (they just took breaks from studying, so the study period is extended) and of course, he loves them.
Leaving him in difficult housing situation is scary for me. I will have a serious talk about it and obviously not make my son pay for essentials.

Indeed. I can't believe that there are so many women who are willing to allow their children to live in situations of heightened resentment and unfairness like this just so they can have a man in the house. MN is a revelation in this regard. Just so many pathetic women enabling cruel men.

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Get rid. Awful man. Why would you even be asking?

You should have said because my child is 16yrs with a Saturday job, where as your 2 eldest are adults who could work along side education like lot of other people at universities and get grants.

And just because he chooses to give his children money that does not negate the fact you have a child doing a Saturday job and what getting a couple of hundred a month does not mean he should pay anything to the household budget.

Mind you if it was me and staying in this relationship then I would stop any and all expensive purchases for him, and use that extra money towards your son and yourself.

Your husband is a dick and your son deserves better. The amount of women on here who keep their kids in shit situations all because of a man makes me want to scream. It’s beyond pathetic

I'm not sure why you think he has a point when he gets angry and and asks why he should shop paying for his son to pay for yours (when he doesn't really pay for your son as you use your personal account for your son's needs), when you don't get angry at him expecting a 16 year old to pay for food and board.

You need to find your anger with him. His behaviour is horrible. He hardly contributes any money to your shared child. Stop buying things for your DP and treating him to meals out.

He's legally obliged to pay for his sons while they are studying (they just took breaks from studying, so the study period is extended)

No he isn't.

Unless the divorce settlement specifically stated that he had to maintain them during university, which is very, very unusual, or they have significant disabilities and so again, the divorce settlement awarded maintenance during their adulthood ,child maintenance ends when they leave full time further education (A levels/Btec) or reach the age of 20, whichever is sooner.

Whatever he is paying them is totally voluntary.

True and the OP's son's university finance WILL be based on his income as they are one household.

This^

What the hell?!

Poor DS

He sounds extremely mean and petty. It also sounds as though he resents your son who of course shouldn't be contributing to household expenses out of his weekend job.
What is he like with your son generally?

Assuming that DP and OP moved in together around the time their joint DD was born (7 years), then his now adult DC would have been teens.

What happened then? Was a precedent set? IE if OP DP paid for his children then (where were they living?) and OP did not contribute, then maybe what DP is saying is that payment isn't the same.

Not paying for someone else's child doesn't mean he doesn't love them or resents them. OP has said she doesn't pay for his older children. Has that always been the case?

Fwiw, I don't think the 16 yo should be contributing either- but maybe DP is saying OP should be contributing more now DS has a job?

I think it really depends on what precedent was set with his own children and family finance and what was agreed. It doesn't seem very transparent and OP and DP are not aligned.

How did you not tell him to get lost (or stronger expletives) with that mean spirited idea?
Sometimes I think most of these posts are just to get people riled up as I can't believe people don't react more strongly and just skip off the mumsnet to post.

Your ds is 16. He’s got off his backside and has a part time job which no doubt pays for non-essential things he wants. I view that very positively.
Your partner is a selfish twat with nasty undertones.
He already treats his adult dc more favourably financially yet wants to take money from your ds who is not yet an adult.
I’d put him in the bin.

At your sons age, the money he earns should just be for fun. It would be different if he was working full time but he isn’t.

I remember being his age, my friends and I all had little weekend jobs. One friends parents (no step parents involved) charged her board. I remember telling my parents and they were disgusted. That was almost 20 years ago and I think now, it is even more shocking.

That’s awful @SemperIdem

I had a school friend who was adopted (I think this may be relevant) her older sister who was her parents bio kids didn’t have to pay a contribution when she started full-time retail work. At one point she even got extra money to help her afford to move out.

But when this school friend started an apprenticeship at 16 which back then paid £60 a week she had to pay something like £25 a week. She also had to use that some of £60 a week to pay for travel to the city the job is in and it cost about £15 for a weekly bus pass back then.

I think her parents obviously wanted her out their house despite the fact her other siblings had stayed on throughout their 20s, it seems she wasn’t welcome. They got their wish, she met an abusive guy at age 17 and moved in with him and nearly got beaten to death. This is what happens when you mistreat your children.

Don’t let anyone treat your child like this , Op.

He is already not paying equal amounts for the child you share, op... he is financially abusing you. You and your children are subsidising him and his ADULT children.

Why does he pay maintenance for kids in their 20s?

Continuing to live with him while he treats your 16 year old like a lodger and doesn't contribute to your shared child is scarier.

If the house is mortgaged and in joint names you'd get half of it or get a divorce settlement where he has to give you the house until kid is no longer a dependent. His adult children aren't dependents and the 18 yo doesn't live with him. Both of yours are and do.

Fight for your children not a useless man.

He's 16 ffs. Why are you even entertaining this idea?

Stand up for your son and stop being so passive.

Your son will remember this.

But that’s him changing the goalposts to suit his argument. He thinks your son should pay because he has a part time job, yet he should pay for his 24yr old? It’s not about him paying for his son rather than yours. Is he even doing so? Does his daughter have a room in the house? She may use less electricity (negligible) and food on account of being there less but she still costs. I’m assuming her heat still comes on when the rest is etc. Which you are contributing to. Your son is 1/5 of a household. More importantly he’s 16! Obviously he shouldn’t have to pay. If your oh thinks you should pay on his behalf work it out. I wouldn’t have him saying he pays for your child. He then needs to pay all the other things though that you pay for. The car, your other child etc.
Honestly though I would leave. Let him pay 100% of the bills! A**hole.

Not that I’m saying he shouldn’t support his older children, but I would question any maintenance that says you have to pay for a 24yr old because they took their time at school and took time out to travel. That’s ridiculous.

I never normally say this on MN threads of this kind, but I'd bin the DH/DP. Zero respect for you and your DS and financial controlling red flag

The husband sounds like incredibly hard work.