OH thinks I should be doing more

[KhakiGoose]

Throwaway account. I actually posted this on another step-parenting forum recently but wanted to get some more perspective as after yet another conversation with my OH about it, I feel like I’m going around in circles. This is going to be long, sorry.

I’ve been with my partner for a year now, we don’t live together and I have no plans to. I have DS13 and DS10 and he has one DS who is 4, and we both have 50/50. Our Sundays with our respective kids fall on opposite weekends so I spend my free ones with OH and his son.

I'll admit that when I met his son (very early on in the relationship which with hindsight I wasn't 100% comfortable with) I did put maximum effort in to everything the whole time we were together. Obviously I wanted it to go well and my OH was also super keen for us to start to 'bond’. His son is sweet enough but I find him very 'full on' and quite demanding of time and attention. For example he doesn't seem to be able to play by himself for even very short periods of time (he will start sobbing and saying he can't and doesn't know how to etc when suggested to him). When we are playing, all his games involve being very physical, pretending to be things (pirates, aliens etc), hide and seek, the floor is lava, that kind of thing. Even when we sit down and watch a movie or show, it's a constant running commentary on everything and just doesn't feel like a remotely relaxing experience. He's only recently in the last couple of weeks starting sleeping in his own bed consistently (after I pretty much insisted on it) and will still wake up needing OH a few times a night. I do also find him quite baby-ish in other ways, such as still having a dummy, having a bottle of juice at bedtime, using a buggy etc, but I try to keep my parenting preferences to myself if it's not directly affecting me (like the sleep issue was).

Anyway, for various reasons I haven't been sleeping well at all for the past 3 months or so, have been dealing with a few chronic health issue flare ups, and struggling a bit with anxiety. As a result I've been pretty exhausted. I work a fairly mentally demanding job, and as mentioned have two boys of my own who also have busy schedules. I've found myself starting to put some boundaries in place with my OH's son in terms of taking more regular breaks from playtime, taking myself off to the bedroom for some time to rest and decompress (between 15-30 mins for example), going to bed earlier if they’re having a late movie night or where possible having a lie in on a Sunday.

During a discussion about all sorts of life/parenting things, it's come to light that my OH isn't too happy that I've taken this step back. He feels I should be making more effort to play whenever his DS wants, and should be getting up with them when it's his Sunday as the kid is excited to spend time with me and it's unfair of me to 'lie in bed for hours' ignoring them downstairs. Aside from the fact that I'm particularly exhausted right now, l'm up by 6am five days a week and often take my DS's to football matches of a weekend or am facilitating their social lives and sleepovers etc, even when it’s not technically my weekend, (which I absolutely don’t mind). I feel like I'm entitled to spend the odd Sunday l actually have off, resting and recharging a little. For context I can only think of one occasion where I did stay in bed for a few hours when I was having a truly shitty day, more often than not l'll be up and about with them within an hour or so and will then spend the whole day with them. OH says he feels disappointed that I don't want to maximise my time with his DS, that he's tired too but just has to get on with it, and that he finds it hard not to be sad when DS is excited to spend time with me but l 'choose to sit on my phone ignoring him’ instead.

I've told him that I'm giving everything I have right now. It's not that I don't care, don't like him or his son, or want the relationship to go backwards. But I'm not a bottomless pit, I'm a human being with my own needs and wants and I'm struggling to give everyone and everything in my life 100% or even 80% right now because I'm so run down. He says he understands to a degree but has essentially told me that unless I can be all in, I should just stay at home when he has his son as he can't cope with the disappointment. My stance is that it shouldn't need to be so black and white, all or nothing. We should be able to compromise, he should be able to trust me that I'm not just being lazy and I will give as much effort as I possibly can (which yes may look different on any given day), and that it might perhaps be a valuable lesson for his son to learn that people aren't robots here to cater to his every whim every waking minute of the day.

Am I being selfish?

Your partners child sound like he could have some SEN going on your description so that needs to be looked into or at least your partner should be reading up on it a lot.

Step right away with your ‘imposing parenting boundaries’ like making the child sleep alone, if SEN is present you could be causing a lot of distress to the child. It could be trauma which can cause sleep issues and all sorts. You don’t know.

YANBU to need rest though and a partner who begrudges that when you have health issues is a red flag. Just stay home and rest it’s really important that you do. By objecting your partner doesn’t sound like a good partner, sorry.

You’ve got a needy partner who is making a needy son. Any 4year olds I know spend much of the week at nursery and can amuse themselves. Is his DM a sahm who constantly amuses him?
Also I don’t like the way he talks about his ‘lazy’ ex. He’s the lazy one from what you’ve said. I’d leave.

I don’t think step parents should be as involved as biological parents but I would think it’s rude that my DP went up to my room or ignored my child.

My sisters new partner often takes himself off to the bedroom when her kids are there and I think it’s incredibly rude, especially when it’s her home and he’s essentially a guest.

If you want space then go home or go out.

Just don’t stay over every night that he has him.
If he had him 2 nights, then just stay over for 1.
Then you get your own space and a lie in etc.

Moving forward, I would consider whether a relationship with a young child is right for you.

The longer you are together, the more you will of course be expected to be involved.

I personally don’t get into relationships with men with young kids, simply because Im done with raising young kids and enjoy the freedom that comes with having older DC.

"although OH is always a bit disappointed when this happens and again will often say his DS was looking forward to seeing me".

I personally think OH is disappointed that he doesn't have your help with his DS rather than the child being disappointed that you're not there OP.

I agree with this. Why is it your job to be the constant playmate? When you are taking a short break or during the weekdays, how does his Dad interact with him?

Two other things that struck me;

He cries that he doesn’t know how to play by himself, and you have suggested things he could do. If he’s never been taught how to play by himself, then he very well may not know how to do it. It isn’t your job to teach him: it would also benefit his parents for him to know how to play solo.

He only likes very active games. Has he been taught to participate in lower energy activities? What happens if someone says “OK we are going to do some drawing now, or Lego?”. By the age of 4, if he’s been to nursery/pre-school/playgroups, he will have come across the concept of fairness and taking turns. If you’re willing to play with him, it should seem perfectly reasonable to him to hear “You chose the last game, so it’s my turn to choose the game”, if necessary backed up by the other adult. And that’s the opportunity to model more solitary pursuits. The adult ‘plays’ in parallel with the child.

I would stress that none of that is your job though.

If Dad objects to it, or won’t do it himself, he should consider that, if this child is not yet at school, he’s going to have to learn to not try to monopolise the adult’s time, and to be able to deal with the ‘rejection’, he will also need to be able to consider the needs and wishes of others in his play, and he will need to be able to tolerate significant periods where he is not able to be as active as he would like to be. It is kinder to start preparing for that now, than for it suddenly to all happen at once in an unfamiliar setting, without an adult that he knows and with 29 other 4/5 year olds.

You are not being selfish, just true to yourself. Your boyfriend's son sounds quie normal for a four year old except for the dummy and bottle at bedtime but all kids are different and he'll outgrow that. Children are often like him at his age t's and then become laid back just before puberty, there's nothing wrong with him. However he is not your child, yours are well beyond the demanding stage in most respects and you're entitled to have a rest on your days off

I'd give up going to his every time his son is there, let them have that time to themselves. You can still see him sometimes. You'll feel generally better for having a day to re-charge your batteries and presumably you see your man without kids at other times.

If that doesn't sutt, maybe this is not the man for you, op.

I’d not just be distancing myself on those Sundays, I’d be distancing myself from the whole relationship. I get that you’re trying to stay out of what went wrong with the ex however a really poor coparenting relationship, accusations on both parts, SS involvement and the expectation of you to be the active parent whilst he’s on his phone all whilst manipulating you into feeling guilty about putting yourself first during your child free time would have me running for the hills.

Your priority is you and your children, if you can’t give 100% to them as you can’t fill your cup as your giving to another child, the situation and balance is not right

It sounds like his son views you as his playmate not a parental figure. And DP sees this as a nice thing .. which it is as you're being very engaged. So his son is pestering him for access to you. I agree with the PP who said it's hard to handle kid who constantly asking where xx is.
This is all quite normal, remember you had 2 x DS so they'd play together, he doesn't so needs a playmate.
Personally I think it's quite soon to be getting this level of access/involvement in each other's kids (appreciate it's less for yours atm) so I'd pull back and ideally switch weekends.
My DP and I worked our schedules to align child free time which means we can go off for the weekend or holiday together.
I'd also second the peri point (not sure what age you are) which means DP needs to accept that you are battling fluctuating hormones and this means that sometimes you'll be tired and sometimes you'll be full of energy. So give yourself the odd weekend of down time where you see neither of them and get to do the things you want.

I wouldn’t be doing all the work for my own kids while their dad stood in the kitchen on his phone. I definitely wouldn’t be doing it for someone else’s. Your boyfriend thinks you’re the nanny I think.

This is a child who has been spoiled and will have a tough time in the future. Is he at nursery/school? If so there must be times when he has to do things by himself. You should not have to put up with tantrums.

I think YABU to be so mean about the boy and say he's babyish - he sounds like a typical (young?) 4 yo to me dummy aside. Given his parents difficult relationship he's probably emotionally needy and desperate to be wanted and loved - and you giving standoffish vibes much of the time is likely to make him more insecure and more demanding of your time. I think you should prioritise getting proper rest time for yourself so that when you are with the little boy you can be all in with him and make him feel loved and valued, step mum or not.

Think it sounds sensible to align your weekends with the kids so you and DP have proper time off together, but perhaps you could go over for tea or something one evening a week so you can see the 4 yo for a couple of hours.

Addendum: just read your latest update, does sound like he is more intense than a typical 4 yo. Could be he is having emotional problems given the situation with his parents.

Yes you should just spend the weekends at your own house and it was probably a mistake to go all in straight away and play Mother (or babysitter). With the bed sharing I think it's not very nice to stay over and then kick the kid out of the bed if that's where he's used to sleeping. He probably misses his Mum after suddenly going 50/50 and needs the extra comfort. Nothing wrong with that. If you didn't like it you should go home rather than coming between them.

Lastly of he wants you to spend your time looking after his son, then you can suggest he ferries your kids around all weekend. See how he likes it.

A few things going on here. The full-on-ness I thought does sound quite normal, tbh, but not the way he responds when you want a rest. Where's he got the idea of you 'not being kind' from (when you want a rest)? That's a bit odd. I think an unfortunate dynamic has developed here - I'm sure your boyfriend is, as most PPs are saying, trying to push a lot of the 'work' onto you, and of course at the beginning you took on this role to please him, where really you should have stood back and certainly not joined in on all their dad and son weekends. The little lad really needs time with just his father (whether his father likes that or not). But as this dynamic has developed and you get used to this being a regular thing, of course you want to go 'off duty' sometimes and are putting onto the child what's the fault of the situation (and tbh I have to say I think it's pretty awful that you've ousted him from his father's bed). And now your boyfriend is making it difficult for you to extricate yourself because he doesn't want to lose his childcare source. All a bit unfortunate, but the child is the least at fault in this. I wouldn't try to pathologise his behaviour as a reason for not wanting such intense contact any more - he's got a lot of tricky relationships and set-ups to navigate. But you do need to step back - for the good of the dad/son relationships as much as for you. Your bf will have to suck that up, and his response may be telling in terms of your relationship.

Why do you expect less of him in relation to your sons but are running around after his son?

Would it be possible to change weekends so you both have your kids on the same weekend? Then you have half your weekends together?

Plonk yourself on a bench and do nothing.

This man is grooming you take over as default parent.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing, I agree. But I think the key issue here is structure so you can manage his son's expectations. Rather than him constantly wondering when you'll spend time with him or expecting your company and then being disappointed, set a rule that you will always do XYZ with him on X day, but that you're always "busy" on Y afternoon. Then the son can be satisfied he'll spend some time with you and knows where he stands.

It might also help your OH. I do think he's expecting too much, especially considering he appears to have enlisted you as coparent quickly after splitting. But his son is young and needs a lot of input, which can be exhausting. Personally, I like to know if I'm parenting solo in advance so I'm not waiting on someone else and wondering when I'll get a break. If I know I'm by myself I can mentally prepare and approach the day differently.

I don't want to suggest you should be saddled with parenting drudgery, as it is of course his dad's job to feed and bathe him, etc, but perhaps you would actually prefer to have his son for something practical like a mealtime, so you can make him lunch and chat at the dinner table? Because free play crawling about on the floor is knackering. Plus your OH then knows there's a set time he can decompress for a bit. Or choose a shared interest. Watch a kid's film you enjoy and talk about it with him, for example.

I suspect if you carved time out for yourselves and the child more strategically, you would both feel better and be much more engaged with him when you're with him. At the moment it sounds like you're limping along day to day with him praying for downtime rather than being able to actually enjoy him.

Edit: my brother liked lots of company and chatting and wasn't keen on independent play, so these behaviours don't necessarily indicate SEN. He's old for the buggy and dummy, but it could take a coordinated parenting effort to get him to give these up, which your OH and his ex don't seem willing to try and do.

I would imagine the issue is that you were initially all in and now you are re-defining the goal posts.

In your shoes I’d be reducing the time I am there so that I could continue to be active and present when there and then stay in my home for down time / lie ins etc.

His son is sweet enough but I find him very 'full on' and quite demanding of time and attention. For example he doesn't seem to be able to play by himself for even very short periods of time (he will start sobbing and saying he can't and doesn't know how to etc when suggested to him). When we are playing, all his games involve being very physical, pretending to be things (pirates, aliens etc), hide and seek, the floor is lava, that kind of thing. Even when we sit down and watch a movie or show, it's a constant running commentary on everything and just doesn't feel like a remotely relaxing experience

FFS, the child is 4 years old, what do you expect?! I know my two wouldn't have sat down to watch a film quietly when they were 4. Ridiculous to expect him not to act like a typical 4 year old boy.

And as for the babyish things he does, again he's a young child whose parents split up when he was very young and you obviously met him very early into the relationship. He probably very confused by it all.

This man doesn’t play with his son, even at the park, he stands by the pushchair and expects OP to run around with his son.

Since when did it become a woman’s job to entertain her boyfriend’s son whilst he just sits there?

This man saw you coming OP.

I literally cannot believe you spend your precious free time being an unpaid nanny.

Please walk away. You deserve a partner, not a man who exploits you

People are selfish overall, not just your dp and his son. My dsis came to stay at our parents to help them (with me) for a few days with her dd and I was taken aback at the level of exploitation on the part of her dd. We did heavy work in the garden and my niece was running in and out of the house. Basically, as soon as her dd clocked we were having a little break, she would pounce on her mum with demands for reading, playing, fixing her hair, etc. It was like an old version of Cinderella, where her stepmother would invent useless and stupid tasks for her, just to make sure she was not resting for a minute - literally. I asked my dsis about it and she confirmed, that in the eyes of her own dh and dd, she merited no rest at all - the moment she is done with food preparation, her dd asks her to help her with homework or her husband would start asking admin questions about bills, etc. And my dsis works full-time. She is on her feet all day and needs to rest - but what does her dh and dd propose they do on a week-end? Correct - hiking in a nearby forest, because it is good to move. They don't seem to realise she moves at work and never sits down at home - she does not need a hike, she needs a nap. So, people are selfish and you need to address it - my dsis never addresses it and I feel bad for her.

It’s strange how no one has suggested this man help OP on her weekends with her sons when he doesn’t have his sons. Especially at a time when she has been having health issues. It’s all about what OP can be doing for him.

OP, I do wonder if your chronic health issues have cropped as a result of your boyfriend’s unreasonable demands and this child who expects you to play with him all the time, and not his own dad.

This x 💯
He's looking for a woman to be a free nanny.
Stop this straight away.