OH thinks I should be doing more

[KhakiGoose]

Throwaway account. I actually posted this on another step-parenting forum recently but wanted to get some more perspective as after yet another conversation with my OH about it, I feel like I’m going around in circles. This is going to be long, sorry.

I’ve been with my partner for a year now, we don’t live together and I have no plans to. I have DS13 and DS10 and he has one DS who is 4, and we both have 50/50. Our Sundays with our respective kids fall on opposite weekends so I spend my free ones with OH and his son.

I'll admit that when I met his son (very early on in the relationship which with hindsight I wasn't 100% comfortable with) I did put maximum effort in to everything the whole time we were together. Obviously I wanted it to go well and my OH was also super keen for us to start to 'bond’. His son is sweet enough but I find him very 'full on' and quite demanding of time and attention. For example he doesn't seem to be able to play by himself for even very short periods of time (he will start sobbing and saying he can't and doesn't know how to etc when suggested to him). When we are playing, all his games involve being very physical, pretending to be things (pirates, aliens etc), hide and seek, the floor is lava, that kind of thing. Even when we sit down and watch a movie or show, it's a constant running commentary on everything and just doesn't feel like a remotely relaxing experience. He's only recently in the last couple of weeks starting sleeping in his own bed consistently (after I pretty much insisted on it) and will still wake up needing OH a few times a night. I do also find him quite baby-ish in other ways, such as still having a dummy, having a bottle of juice at bedtime, using a buggy etc, but I try to keep my parenting preferences to myself if it's not directly affecting me (like the sleep issue was).

Anyway, for various reasons I haven't been sleeping well at all for the past 3 months or so, have been dealing with a few chronic health issue flare ups, and struggling a bit with anxiety. As a result I've been pretty exhausted. I work a fairly mentally demanding job, and as mentioned have two boys of my own who also have busy schedules. I've found myself starting to put some boundaries in place with my OH's son in terms of taking more regular breaks from playtime, taking myself off to the bedroom for some time to rest and decompress (between 15-30 mins for example), going to bed earlier if they’re having a late movie night or where possible having a lie in on a Sunday.

During a discussion about all sorts of life/parenting things, it's come to light that my OH isn't too happy that I've taken this step back. He feels I should be making more effort to play whenever his DS wants, and should be getting up with them when it's his Sunday as the kid is excited to spend time with me and it's unfair of me to 'lie in bed for hours' ignoring them downstairs. Aside from the fact that I'm particularly exhausted right now, l'm up by 6am five days a week and often take my DS's to football matches of a weekend or am facilitating their social lives and sleepovers etc, even when it’s not technically my weekend, (which I absolutely don’t mind). I feel like I'm entitled to spend the odd Sunday l actually have off, resting and recharging a little. For context I can only think of one occasion where I did stay in bed for a few hours when I was having a truly shitty day, more often than not l'll be up and about with them within an hour or so and will then spend the whole day with them. OH says he feels disappointed that I don't want to maximise my time with his DS, that he's tired too but just has to get on with it, and that he finds it hard not to be sad when DS is excited to spend time with me but l 'choose to sit on my phone ignoring him’ instead.

I've told him that I'm giving everything I have right now. It's not that I don't care, don't like him or his son, or want the relationship to go backwards. But I'm not a bottomless pit, I'm a human being with my own needs and wants and I'm struggling to give everyone and everything in my life 100% or even 80% right now because I'm so run down. He says he understands to a degree but has essentially told me that unless I can be all in, I should just stay at home when he has his son as he can't cope with the disappointment. My stance is that it shouldn't need to be so black and white, all or nothing. We should be able to compromise, he should be able to trust me that I'm not just being lazy and I will give as much effort as I possibly can (which yes may look different on any given day), and that it might perhaps be a valuable lesson for his son to learn that people aren't robots here to cater to his every whim every waking minute of the day.

Am I being selfish?

Can you not try to synchronize the weekends - so that you have some child-free weekends?

Yes this is definitely what I’d like to try and switch to at some point. His contact is set out by a court order so isn’t moveable but I could make it work from my end. I think I’ve put it off because I’m worried both OH and DS will feel like I’m just rejecting them completely and don’t want to spend time with the LO at all which isn’t true. I am honestly happy to be super involved when I’m with him, but I wouldn’t let my own kids run me ragged for 12 hours straight without a break when they were little, so yes I’m reluctant to do it for someone else’s kid, especially when it doesn’t feel appreciated.

I wouldn’t be going over when he had his son. Leave him to it

You can’t do that with a 4yo of recently separated parents who’s being shunted between houses all the time. Not fair on him.
Do what exactly to a 4 year old? Are you suggesting that 4 year old can't cope with an adult they like being sometimes there and sometimes not? How do you think they cope with visits from aunties and uncles?

Also it’s a nightmare fielding questions like when is X coming down? Is X coming for lunch too? Shall we wait for X to play this game? Can I go upstairs and show X this drawing? Not fair on the dad.

Don't be ridiculous that's literally parenting. The bar is so low for men.

This.

@Amybelle88 stick to your boundaries. Tell him that it’s his son and you’ve got two of your own. You're not this child’s step mum, so yes, your partner does need to just get on with it.

Jesus the entitlement of some men….

Doesn't he get a break the 50% of the time he doesn't have his DS?

He does, and he says he misses him terribly when he’s not there, worries about him constantly, and would have had full custody if he’d been awarded it. But then I look at how exasperated he is after one day with the LO and I question how realistic he’s being 😅

Oh @KhakiGoose he’s really lining up the replacement parent here, isn’t he?

You are surely not going to fall for that….
nonsense are you??

There’s a 4yo boy who doesn’t have one stable home. He moves between his parents. And his dad now has a girlfriend who by her own admission went full on at the beginning and is now pulling back. THAT is what you can’t do to a 4yo. Early years are disproportionately important. Be there, or don’t be there (personally, I wouldn’t). Pick one. She’s not an auntie. She’s his dad’s gf who by OP’s accounts seems to be occupying some sort of money status.

And yes, of course that’s literally parenting. But he doesn’t want to deal with it for his son, in his house. He doesn’t have to - his son, his house. She doesn’t get to decide how he parents his child in his house, decide she is going to definitely be there whether he likes it or not, whether his son likes it or not.

Nothing to do with low bars. Everything to do with 4 year olds and being reasonable.

And for the avoidance of doubt, I totally think the bf is thinking no further than the end of his nose or dick, whichever is longer.

He’s only recently met mine which was my choice. My eldest is a typical 13 year old, he’s been pleasant but is more interested in hanging out with his mates obviously. My youngest (10) is much more sociable and they have fun playing a few games of FIFA (or whatever it’s now called!) and chatting. They’re so much more independent and less demanding than his DS so it’s difficult to compare. The three times he has spent an afternoon or evening here though I’ve had absolutely no issue with him going to chill upstairs or in the kitchen for a bit, or doom scrolling on his phone for however long he feels like. I have no expectations of him whatsoever when it comes to my kids other than being respectful and kind as you would with anybody.

I can’t even get into the second question as I try to distance myself from it as far as possible tbh! There’s a lot of animosity, communication is limited and there have been accusations of all sorts from both sides leading to SS involvement who are still working with them both now to support consistent approaches to parenting. I’ve listened to hours and hours of how horrific his ex was and is, but I’m aware I only have his side of the story and so try to stay as neutral and distant from it as possible.

I’ve listened to hours and hours of how horrific his ex was and is

This as well as the full on early morning weekends? I'm exhausted just reading about it.

He wants what many many men want: all the joys of family life, none of the work. The hustle and bustle around them, while they sit and read the paper (in the olden days). Don’t fall for it. He’s using your finite resources to raise his child for him, while he plays on his phone and vapes. Shocking when you put it like that, no?

Also as an aside, I’m starting to realise I probably should have posted this on AIBU or a relationship forum or something because no, I’m not his stepmum, but OH is incredibly keen for me to be one by his own admission.

It sounds as if it would be good for your OH to manage his DS for a while without you. He needs to do the kind of parenting you did for your two when they were younger.

He is likely to get more realistic after trying the 100% full-on things he expects of you at the moment. His son will become a little more independent - of necessity.

Perhaps you should have a regular Friday meet with the DS - and make a whole-hearted fuss of him... but then wave goodbye for the rest of the weekend.

Once your OH has the rhythm of caring for his DS - you could probably bring in the compromise.

It is perfectly ok for you to put some of your needs first.

Make the most of your child free weekend and stay home, have a lie in and a day to do what you want. You don't have to be there when he's looking after his child - that's his job, not yours. I do think you might have set unrealistic expectations at the beginning though, if you made a huge effort with his little one then - he obviously thought you love spending time playing with his little one! Ultimately, you might just be incompatible because of the age difference in your children - he's still got his hands full with a very young child and you're at a different stage with yours.

I think it's fine here and people have the measure of things, but you could always report your OP and ask for it to be moved to Relationships.

No you wouldn't. For some reason people hate step mums here and you'd get torn to shreds!

It sounds like he also finds his son to be full on and wants you to bear some/much of the burden. But it's not yours to bear. I would back off a bit and spend some time at home or with others during his time with his son.

Why would he need a break? He wasn’t 100% on deck as a parent the weekend before and will be again the weekend after like you. Definitely staying home on your off weekends, like he does.

There’s a 4yo boy who doesn’t have one stable home. He moves between his parents.
This is not something that the op has to compensate for.

And his dad now has a girlfriend who by her own admission went full on at the beginning and is now pulling back. THAT is what you can’t do to a 4yo
The child won't be damaged by the op not getting up with him or by her being with friends some weekends. She's not planning to be actively cruel to him.

I totally get that he needs a break and I want to support him

When is your break? What does he do to support you having a break?

How much per hour do you get for nannying?

I’m a stepmum and a mum and no way I’d be spending my nine weekend without my DC every moment with someone else child especially only a year in!!! That is your time to relax and recharge you and your home in preparation for the week ahead and FOR YOUR KIDS.

Stay at yours and go visit for a Sunday roast etc

Also I seriously doubt a 4 year old is saying he misses you etc he would probably realistically just prefer his dad

I’ll be the one gathering the branches to make the den, helping him across the monkey bars, kicking a ball around with him) - all super lovely, fun things that I enjoy

This is why he is seeking you out though, because you've been introduced to him very quickly and he sees you as default 'fun' parent figure to do things with at the weekends, and like any (semi) lazy parent would do, your OH is sitting back and letting you step up, the lad is only 4 so wouldn't really understand that he is full on and why you wouldn't want to spend time with him every second of every day.. with kindness, I do think this is a problem of your own making to be honest, both of you should have known better than to introduce you as a step mother figure if you aren't prepared to fully commit to that, I can understand why your OH is hurt on behalf of his son when you are choosing not to engage at all.

Why couldn't you just spend time with him doing fun things and go home instead of staying over, I think it's confusing and unfair to go there every weekend when your OH has him, but then spend chunks actively ignoring him to get some peace and quiet.. it's the sort of thing parents do for a breather when they are present for their child the rest of the time, you only have a limited amount of time with him as it is and you've got peace and quiet in your own house in abundance, so your OH is not wrong to tell you to stay home if you are not going to engage.

Whether he means that or not or is just trying to guilt you is something only you will know, but if you want time away from the little lad then there's no point going round there all the time at weekends, you're just going to disappoint him.

I totally get that he needs a break and I want to support him...

Why? He's a boyfriend not a partner. You don't live with him and don't want to. So why are you supporting him as if you were a family?

He should be the one on the swings and building dens and playing football etc. He gets a break all the days he isn't seeing his DS. He doesn't need anyone to give him a break on the weekends he has him. Those full-on weekends, that's life as a single person with a child. He's a lazy fucker who is farming his parenting out to you. He's using you. Next time you're at the park, plonk yourself down on a seat/the grass and tell the kid daddy will play with you.

You know he's spending all his weekday time with DS telling him he's "too tired to play after work but khakigoose will be here on the weekend to play with you", don't you? He's stepping back and telling you to step up, you're being completely manipulated. After a year of this shit you're run into the ground.

He's got so much entitlement he's even got the bare faced cheek to tick you off about it when you take a break from playing nanny, as if you were actually staff. I'd be saying that to him next time "I'm not staff, you can't choose how I spend my time".

All you should be doing with a live-out boyfriend is going out and having fun, having sex, couple time. Not taking his DC to the park while he vapes and plays Pokémon.

You should scale back on your own DC too. It's not failing them, they have another parent. If they're with their dad, ferrying them to social activities is on him, not you. This is the other part of why you're so run down. It's not right that he has them 50% and so doesn't pay maintenance and yet you're still parenting them during his time! Back right off and leave him to it. It doesn't hurt for DC to see what their other parent is really like. You've split from their dad, he's your ex, so why are you rushing around on what should be your child-free weekends, just to cover up his flaws so they can continue to think he's wonderful? You don't owe him that. Your DC won't die if they get a bit bored because their dad won't take them to friends or hobbies.

I’ve listened to hours and hours of how horrific his ex was and is,

No. Just no.
As well as his unpaid nanny, you're also his unpaid therapist.
Change the subject every time it comes up and if he keeps changing the subject back to his ex, leave and go home because he's obviously not in the mood for spending time with his girlfriend and nurturing your relationship.

He's an absolute piss-taking cunt. As well as being a shit parent who needs SS involvement.

I revise my earlier statement - he's not your boyfriend OP, he's a total waste of space who is sucking the life out of you.

@Daisypod interesting, my son is just like this too and also diagnosed ASD. If it helps he has mellowed since he was four, not as full on a few years later as he once was