OH thinks I should be doing more

[KhakiGoose]

Throwaway account. I actually posted this on another step-parenting forum recently but wanted to get some more perspective as after yet another conversation with my OH about it, I feel like I’m going around in circles. This is going to be long, sorry.

I’ve been with my partner for a year now, we don’t live together and I have no plans to. I have DS13 and DS10 and he has one DS who is 4, and we both have 50/50. Our Sundays with our respective kids fall on opposite weekends so I spend my free ones with OH and his son.

I'll admit that when I met his son (very early on in the relationship which with hindsight I wasn't 100% comfortable with) I did put maximum effort in to everything the whole time we were together. Obviously I wanted it to go well and my OH was also super keen for us to start to 'bond’. His son is sweet enough but I find him very 'full on' and quite demanding of time and attention. For example he doesn't seem to be able to play by himself for even very short periods of time (he will start sobbing and saying he can't and doesn't know how to etc when suggested to him). When we are playing, all his games involve being very physical, pretending to be things (pirates, aliens etc), hide and seek, the floor is lava, that kind of thing. Even when we sit down and watch a movie or show, it's a constant running commentary on everything and just doesn't feel like a remotely relaxing experience. He's only recently in the last couple of weeks starting sleeping in his own bed consistently (after I pretty much insisted on it) and will still wake up needing OH a few times a night. I do also find him quite baby-ish in other ways, such as still having a dummy, having a bottle of juice at bedtime, using a buggy etc, but I try to keep my parenting preferences to myself if it's not directly affecting me (like the sleep issue was).

Anyway, for various reasons I haven't been sleeping well at all for the past 3 months or so, have been dealing with a few chronic health issue flare ups, and struggling a bit with anxiety. As a result I've been pretty exhausted. I work a fairly mentally demanding job, and as mentioned have two boys of my own who also have busy schedules. I've found myself starting to put some boundaries in place with my OH's son in terms of taking more regular breaks from playtime, taking myself off to the bedroom for some time to rest and decompress (between 15-30 mins for example), going to bed earlier if they’re having a late movie night or where possible having a lie in on a Sunday.

During a discussion about all sorts of life/parenting things, it's come to light that my OH isn't too happy that I've taken this step back. He feels I should be making more effort to play whenever his DS wants, and should be getting up with them when it's his Sunday as the kid is excited to spend time with me and it's unfair of me to 'lie in bed for hours' ignoring them downstairs. Aside from the fact that I'm particularly exhausted right now, l'm up by 6am five days a week and often take my DS's to football matches of a weekend or am facilitating their social lives and sleepovers etc, even when it’s not technically my weekend, (which I absolutely don’t mind). I feel like I'm entitled to spend the odd Sunday l actually have off, resting and recharging a little. For context I can only think of one occasion where I did stay in bed for a few hours when I was having a truly shitty day, more often than not l'll be up and about with them within an hour or so and will then spend the whole day with them. OH says he feels disappointed that I don't want to maximise my time with his DS, that he's tired too but just has to get on with it, and that he finds it hard not to be sad when DS is excited to spend time with me but l 'choose to sit on my phone ignoring him’ instead.

I've told him that I'm giving everything I have right now. It's not that I don't care, don't like him or his son, or want the relationship to go backwards. But I'm not a bottomless pit, I'm a human being with my own needs and wants and I'm struggling to give everyone and everything in my life 100% or even 80% right now because I'm so run down. He says he understands to a degree but has essentially told me that unless I can be all in, I should just stay at home when he has his son as he can't cope with the disappointment. My stance is that it shouldn't need to be so black and white, all or nothing. We should be able to compromise, he should be able to trust me that I'm not just being lazy and I will give as much effort as I possibly can (which yes may look different on any given day), and that it might perhaps be a valuable lesson for his son to learn that people aren't robots here to cater to his every whim every waking minute of the day.

Am I being selfish?

oh’s child doesn’t care if you are there or not. This is pure projection from his father who does not want to solo parent. Don’t care more about this child than his parents do. You are not a permanent fixture in his life and all expectations that you are should be quashed.

Why is he having a bottle, dummy and buggy at 4 ?

You need shot of this exploitive lazy fucker. I bet he factored you in when he asked for 50/50.

Is he older than you?

What does this man bring to your life? He guilt trips you because he was desperate for a step mum for his child that he babies. Dummy is bad enough for his teeth. Bottle still at 4, with juice, is even worse. No wonder the child is full on, he doesn't even make him walk.

Stop spending time with him when he has his child. He will find our replacement within a month and blame you because his child misses you.

You have zero responsibility for his kid. Frankly he’s way out of line expecting you to do anything at all. I would seriously consider binning this man.

Is your OH's ds as intense when you're not there? Could some of the intensity and needing attention be specific to when you are there / when his dad's attention is diluted?

I'm obviously not blaming you, I mean the boy might be trying harder either for your attention to bond with you, impress you, please you etc especially if his mother is disinterested in him, or his dad's attention because another person is there and he needs to feel constantly assured.

It will be difficult for you to get straight answers from your OH because if he is desperate to have your help he might not be truthful about the difference when he has his son on his own.

Honestly I couldn’t think of anything worse than dating a man with a pre-school child. They need so much love and attention either you’re in or you’re out. A 4 year old isn’t going to care if you’re tired or need a rest.

Yup , l'd bet that too.

What on earth are you doing? This man was barely out of his last relationship, you've only been together a year and he's manipulating you into sharing the parenting of his child. You can't relax, you listen to him complain about his ex for hours... Do you not think you're worth more than this?

It just looks like another thread example of why attempting blended families / dating people with young children is a bad idea really.

'Minding the buggy' 🤣 the shit they come up with. It's HIS child OP, he should be doing ALL the parenting.

Two red flags: you referring to a boyfriend of a year as your "partner".
Red flag number two: you only being with him a year , yet the thrill has gone and you are already negotiating "struggle love" territory, whilst living apart; a situation that ordinarily removes the domestic irritations that can ruin a connection.
Also your status: you are nobody's step parent or bonus parent. You are the girlfriend or "friend" of a man with a child, yet you seem to have none of the privilege of the "breeziness" that should come with a boyfriend/girlfriend first year of knowing situation.
Throw this user away and ask yourself why you chose a Mother Courage role for yourself when there is fun and levity to be had out there when your own children are with their father of a weekend.

I don’t get it. You don’t live together, you find his son exhausting and generally need time to relax.

so why are you going there when he has his son? Why not stay at home?

I do agree with your boyfriend. What’s the point of going there and taking yourself off for alone time? It’s rude.

you’ve got a little boy being told yes khaki is here, but she doesn’t want to play with you, she wants to spend time alone.

either go there and socialise/spend time together, or stay at home.

who goes to someone else’s house to pull a Greta Garbo? You go there to spend time with the occupants.

do the child and your ex a favour and stay at home.

His stories and behaviour don't seem consistent. He would have liked full custody and his ex does stuff all and yet she currently has their son for the greater part of the week and when he does have him he is very reliant on you doing much of the engagement. Why are SS involved?

It seems very strange that his son seems to be at the core of your relationship only a year in.

He seems to have little concern for your needs.

Personally I'd walk. If unsure I'd stay home the next two custody Sundays and see how you feel have a day of relaxation and how he reacts.

I think it works both ways too @Ohnonotmeagain . The boyfriend should be sent home when he wants alone time when he's round OPs house. She's not trying to do anything he isn't doing.

OP you've got this kind of false family illusion going on, the way you're together in each others homes as if you live there together. It's unnecessary. Just meet for the fun parts then go your separate ways. If you want to live with someone then find someone who's worth it and move in together. It's trying to have a family on the weekends and be single during the week that's screwing things up, because you're attracting men who want the same. Which theoretically shouldn't be a problem then, except you're after companionship and the difference with most men is they want to live together for splitting bills (or being a cocklodger!)/ housekeeping/ nanny duties/ having more idea of where you are (home) and with who (them), more than for love or committment or whatever.

He sounds like an absolute twat. of course he wants you to be a stepmum. it makes his life easier because that's what women are for. He pushed for you to meet his child before you were ready, and is now guilt tripping you for not spending every waking moment with his child. Take a massive massive step back. How is this relationship any fun at all for you?

For me, the fact that he gets to go on his phone and have 'him time' whilst you are both with his son, but he complains if YOU do this, is the clincher. Combined with his complaints about his ex doing 'f all' apart from breastfeeding, it makes me suspicious that your OH is one to have rigid expectations of women in mothering roles and to expect them to be utterly dedicated to the kids to the point of self-sacrifice, but who doesn't believe he should be this way himself as a dad (or can't live up to his own beliefs).

As for the poster who pointed out it is hard fielding questions from a kid about when you'll come down etc... well yes, it is, but he likely faces all these questions because of the situation he has himself engineered (ie his son enjoys spending time with you because you are so active and attentive with him compared with your OH so of course the lad will crave your company). Using the whole 'DC is asking where you are' thing to stop you having a much-needed and modest break is also really irritating and manipulative. Like a lot of parents, I hear my DC call for their 'dadda' sometimes when I am the one taking the lead on parenting, and vice versa. I don't use this as a reason to burst in on my DH when he's resting or working and say 'DC wants you now', and DH doesn't do that to me. We bloody well say 'dad / mum is busy now - let's do this cool thing together instead'.

OH says he feels disappointed that I don't want to maximise my time with his DS, that he's tired too but just has to get on with it

Yeah he does cos the little boy is his kid. You don't cos he's not yours.

I think you are being a wee bit judgey about the kid being too young for his age, action-based play and using a buggy at 4 is not that bad. Fine it's not your way, but that doesn't make it wrong. The sleep thing is not necessarily within your OH's control, some kids develop slower than others.

But you shouldn't be doing and yanbu, absolutely.

"Looking after the buggy" what a joker.

You're doing the right thing by hanging back and letting him step up to do his own job. It's outrageous that you even have to teach him that it is not your job. He thinks he knows what women are for, doesn't he?

I would walk away from this one and evaluate your approach the next time you meet a man you like. He can’t be bothered to parent his child by the sound of it and you fulfill the role of nanny nicely. He sounds pretty manipulative.

*shouldn't be doing more that should have said.

Blimey he saw you coming didn’t he?
Lazy, entitled man. Thinks you’re there to look after his son while he fannies about with his phone. I would not only pull back from full on parenting I would split with him tbh. You’ll be replaced before Easter.

I do agree with your boyfriend. What’s the point of going there and taking yourself off for alone time? It’s rude.

you’ve got a little boy being told yes khaki is here, but she doesn’t want to play with you, she wants to spend time alone.

So I’m not allowed a break ever in his presence? That’s unrealistic for me, but maybe I’m out of order. Like I said in another reply, I didn’t raise my own children to believe I’m a bottomless pit and I don’t know anyone else’s children who couldn’t grasp the idea that people are allowed to chill for short periods of time by reception age.

I also absolufely do not ignore anyone, even when I want to sit down on the sofa for 5 minutes after an hour of running around chasing him, there’s tears and tantrums. ‘Nobody wants to play with me’, ‘what am I supposed to do all by myself?’, ‘you’re not being kind, I’m going to tell my mummy that you’re not being kind’. I tell him how much I love playing with him and that I just need a little rest and will play with him again after that, then suggest an activity he can do alone for a little bit. But this just intensifies the sobbing and he says he can’t, doesn’t know how to play on his own, it’s not fair etc. This is how I’ve ended up resorting to just leaving the room for 15 minutes to decompress because I don’t know how to handle it.

I think YABU to be so mean about the boy and say he's babyish - he sounds like a typical (young?) 4 yo to me dummy aside. Given his parents difficult relationship he's probably emotionally needy and desperate to be wanted and loved - and you giving standoffish vibes much of the time is likely to make him more insecure and more demanding of your time. I think you should prioritise getting proper rest time for yourself so that when you are with the little boy you can be all in with him and make him feel loved and valued, step mum or not.

Think it sounds sensible to align your weekends with the kids so you and DP have proper time off together, but perhaps you could go over for tea or something one evening a week so you can see the 4 yo for a couple of hours.

action-based play and using a buggy at 4 is not that bad.

Oh no, the action based play is totally normal at 4, I get that and I’m not judging it at all. I just find it exhaustinf when it’s for hours and hours on end and the LO absolutely loses the plot when I need five minutes to sit down! I’m still engaging with him, suggesting different activities he could do while I’m having a quick rest etc. but it doesn’t work and my OH seems to think I should just carry on until I drop despite being stood in the kitchen on his phone while this is happening.

The bit here about him being 20 yards behind and on his phone or stood in the kitchen whilst you play stands out for me. He knows his DS needs a lot of energy and entertainment - he wants you to do all the involved play around so he doesn't have to and he's dressing it up in a way to guilt trip you.