OH thinks I should be doing more

[KhakiGoose]

Throwaway account. I actually posted this on another step-parenting forum recently but wanted to get some more perspective as after yet another conversation with my OH about it, I feel like I’m going around in circles. This is going to be long, sorry.

I’ve been with my partner for a year now, we don’t live together and I have no plans to. I have DS13 and DS10 and he has one DS who is 4, and we both have 50/50. Our Sundays with our respective kids fall on opposite weekends so I spend my free ones with OH and his son.

I'll admit that when I met his son (very early on in the relationship which with hindsight I wasn't 100% comfortable with) I did put maximum effort in to everything the whole time we were together. Obviously I wanted it to go well and my OH was also super keen for us to start to 'bond’. His son is sweet enough but I find him very 'full on' and quite demanding of time and attention. For example he doesn't seem to be able to play by himself for even very short periods of time (he will start sobbing and saying he can't and doesn't know how to etc when suggested to him). When we are playing, all his games involve being very physical, pretending to be things (pirates, aliens etc), hide and seek, the floor is lava, that kind of thing. Even when we sit down and watch a movie or show, it's a constant running commentary on everything and just doesn't feel like a remotely relaxing experience. He's only recently in the last couple of weeks starting sleeping in his own bed consistently (after I pretty much insisted on it) and will still wake up needing OH a few times a night. I do also find him quite baby-ish in other ways, such as still having a dummy, having a bottle of juice at bedtime, using a buggy etc, but I try to keep my parenting preferences to myself if it's not directly affecting me (like the sleep issue was).

Anyway, for various reasons I haven't been sleeping well at all for the past 3 months or so, have been dealing with a few chronic health issue flare ups, and struggling a bit with anxiety. As a result I've been pretty exhausted. I work a fairly mentally demanding job, and as mentioned have two boys of my own who also have busy schedules. I've found myself starting to put some boundaries in place with my OH's son in terms of taking more regular breaks from playtime, taking myself off to the bedroom for some time to rest and decompress (between 15-30 mins for example), going to bed earlier if they’re having a late movie night or where possible having a lie in on a Sunday.

During a discussion about all sorts of life/parenting things, it's come to light that my OH isn't too happy that I've taken this step back. He feels I should be making more effort to play whenever his DS wants, and should be getting up with them when it's his Sunday as the kid is excited to spend time with me and it's unfair of me to 'lie in bed for hours' ignoring them downstairs. Aside from the fact that I'm particularly exhausted right now, l'm up by 6am five days a week and often take my DS's to football matches of a weekend or am facilitating their social lives and sleepovers etc, even when it’s not technically my weekend, (which I absolutely don’t mind). I feel like I'm entitled to spend the odd Sunday l actually have off, resting and recharging a little. For context I can only think of one occasion where I did stay in bed for a few hours when I was having a truly shitty day, more often than not l'll be up and about with them within an hour or so and will then spend the whole day with them. OH says he feels disappointed that I don't want to maximise my time with his DS, that he's tired too but just has to get on with it, and that he finds it hard not to be sad when DS is excited to spend time with me but l 'choose to sit on my phone ignoring him’ instead.

I've told him that I'm giving everything I have right now. It's not that I don't care, don't like him or his son, or want the relationship to go backwards. But I'm not a bottomless pit, I'm a human being with my own needs and wants and I'm struggling to give everyone and everything in my life 100% or even 80% right now because I'm so run down. He says he understands to a degree but has essentially told me that unless I can be all in, I should just stay at home when he has his son as he can't cope with the disappointment. My stance is that it shouldn't need to be so black and white, all or nothing. We should be able to compromise, he should be able to trust me that I'm not just being lazy and I will give as much effort as I possibly can (which yes may look different on any given day), and that it might perhaps be a valuable lesson for his son to learn that people aren't robots here to cater to his every whim every waking minute of the day.

Am I being selfish?

I think this man should never have started a relationship or allowed a woman to stay over when he has a child that needs a co-sleeping arrangement.

Nothing wrong for a parent to do this but why would someone expect a partner to do this?

Putting safeguarding issues aside, he’s treating you like a nanny. You’re not his LO’s night nurse.

I think this man should wait until his LO is s little more independent and sleeping on his own before bringing in overnight stays with partners into it.

From your perspective, I’d step back or move on. You’re not at compatible life stages.

There are developmental reasons why using a dummy at 4 years old is not the best choice for the child.

It can cause alignment issues with teeth, for example.

I saw a Supernanny episode where a child had this problem and speech issues because of this.

There is a lot going on here. Relationship has moved fast, but you have allowed it to. What worries me is you seem incredibly judgemental of a 4 year old, one who is going through a hell of a lot emotionally. It's one Sunday every 2 weeks?? Also anyone who rants that much about the mother of their child cannot be a good person.

Putting my head on a chopping board here but as a mother of a child who is almost 7 and still uses one for comfort I'm very aware of the implications and I don't think it's a great thing to have one past a certain age but I think its down to circumstance also.
We've had stuff going on since 2021 (she would have been 3 then) when we very quickly moved from living with my mum to moving miles away for emergency accommodation. More moving after that, a dad that was sort of happy to let her have it coz it was the easy option.
We tried the giving it to Santa thing, the giving it up on your 5th birthday, 6th birthday... I have said to her that the number of children who still use a dummy at her age is small as most children will have given it up by 4 years old and that she is going to have to be brave and stop at her next birthday; obviously I have to stick to that and I will. I'm thinking of getting her one of those Hugglys that breathes in the hope it will comfort her. She also likes to sleep with me still so hoping the Hugglys will help her to stay by herself.

Now to wait.....

I think you know this by now with all apps, but yes, you are being selfish.
You need to stay in your own home if you want down time. Either kids you can’t be there and not be there at the same time. It confuses them and can give them severe anxiety about what they’ve done wrong.

Stay at home, pop and see them if/when you have the energy and then leave when you don’t.

Absolutely this! He wants you to do half of his parenting.Come on you're not even living together, you're not married.You need to keep your energy for yourself, work you've got your own children.
Trust your gut.

Yes I mean all kids go at their own pace.

It must be difficult for the OP to bite her tongue if comparing to her own little one’s development markets.

even when I want to sit down on the sofa for 5 minutes after an hour of running around chasing him, there’s tears and tantrums. ‘Nobody wants to play with me’, ‘what am I supposed to do all by myself?’, ‘you’re not being kind, I’m going to tell my mummy that you’re not being kind’. I tell him how much I love playing with him and that I just need a little rest and will play with him again after that, then suggest an activity he can do alone for a little bit. But this just intensifies the sobbing and he says he can’t, doesn’t know how to play on his own, it’s not fair etc.

God, He's got the emotional manipulation down to a fine art at 4! Must be taking after his dad... 🙄

What a cheeky fucker. He's lazy, manipulative, and has double standards for you and him.

Why is there SS involvement? If the Mum is as bad as he says, why didn't he apply to have his ds full-time?

Next time, don't meet any dc until much later in the relationship. Your instinct was right, but he rode across it.

I'm at a point on life where my own biological children can't have 100% of my attention because peri menopause has started and I'm verrrrrry tired. My husband takes over on a Sunday morning with the kids to give me a lie in. Even when the step kids are here I'll take that lie in and he gets it. Men don't often understand that women are physiologically different. Heck women haven't even been taught that we are physiologically different and have a greater need for sleep and rest at certain times of life and certain times of the month. Let them go. They sound like they're bringing more to your plate than you can chew or want to chew. He should be finding time to play with his own kid, taking him out to do something ,your presence is a bonus. But he wants to make it something else. Coming from a step and bio mun

Yes I read that as didn’t do what I wanted or focus on my needs and wants and therefore are abusing me by having defined boundaries in play and wants and needs separate to his wants and needs

walk away

The phrase 'yeah, go and tell your mummy, you little shit' might come in useful.

That child and his dad , sound like absolute nightmares
There are no boundaries in place
Of course he should be able to play alone
You are not a 24 hour entertainer
I'd swap weekends so you only see your boyfriend when all the boys are with the other parent
I think your boyfriend will end the relationship tho ,as he wants you there to help him parent,and when he realises that's not happening,it will be bye bye.
Your boyfriend has u there every weekend he has his son land then a relaxing weekend alone when you have your sons ..you must need your head read getting yourself into such a situation
Can't you see he's using u

Or the mum?

When he says that the LO misses you and wants to see you, I suspect it's more to do with HIM wanting you around.

Definitely!

Do this. Or spend one day to yourself at home and 1 day with him and his needy ds. Out of interest what does he do for your DC on weekends you have them, or is it all one sided?

Does he have a golden dick?

In fact, even if he does, the Pokemon ick would cancel it out for me.

Get out, do the Freedom programmey
and enjoy the rest of your life with a man who deserves you. (There are good men out there and you deserve one!)

Hi everyone, thanks for all the further comments and advice since my last post.

It’s definitely over. I didn’t kick him out the other night when he was napping at mine as I didn’t want to cause any sort of scene in front of my kids. I did tell him the next day we needed to have a serious conversation when we were both free, which we did today.

Of course, it ended up with him accusing me of being ‘scary’, borderline abusive, behaving like his ex’s and triggering him. All because I asked for clarification/further explanation on some things that he was either avoiding answering or just trying to deflect back at me. I won’t go into boring details but safe to say it was quite an eye opener and I have absolutely no desire to try and work anything out with him.

I feel sad and a bit stupid. I’ve been single for years and years by choice, dabbled in a few dates here and there for fun, but this is the first person I ever considered introducing to my boys. I thought I’d done things right from my end and yet it still turned out like this. Lesson learned, and luckily my boys hadn’t bonded with him beyond surface level and will ultimately be fine. I’m looking forward to some proper rest now.

You've definitely made the right decision.
His reaction highlights what he is. And I'll put good money on it that his ex's aren't quite/if at all has he made out, and it's no doubt him who was the abusive one.

@KhakiGoose please don’t feel stupid - you’re obviously a kind and caring person, you weren’t expecting to be manipulated by a sneaky tittle toerag.

Thank you for the update op. You've no need to feel stupid , you realised what was happening and dealt with it swiftly.

Enjoy your rest , and plan some fun things for you and your boys.

This is a good outcome. Re your boys, you are modelling strong behaviour and clarity of thought. You have shown you are unafraid to walk away from an unequal relationship. Bravo.

Well done OP. Good result x

I'm sure in the moment this feels terrible, but hopefully this is the start of a much calmer, happier less tired you
Be compassionate with your self, you've done well

As others have already posted, you don't need to feel stupid or embarrassed about any of this.

The relationship wasn't working for you so you've made the decision to end it. You've shown your boys that you have boundaries, and that you won't stay in a relationship that isn't right. It's good for them to see that.

I understand how disappointed you must feel but you've absolutely done the right thing.