OH thinks I should be doing more

[KhakiGoose]

Throwaway account. I actually posted this on another step-parenting forum recently but wanted to get some more perspective as after yet another conversation with my OH about it, I feel like I’m going around in circles. This is going to be long, sorry.

I’ve been with my partner for a year now, we don’t live together and I have no plans to. I have DS13 and DS10 and he has one DS who is 4, and we both have 50/50. Our Sundays with our respective kids fall on opposite weekends so I spend my free ones with OH and his son.

I'll admit that when I met his son (very early on in the relationship which with hindsight I wasn't 100% comfortable with) I did put maximum effort in to everything the whole time we were together. Obviously I wanted it to go well and my OH was also super keen for us to start to 'bond’. His son is sweet enough but I find him very 'full on' and quite demanding of time and attention. For example he doesn't seem to be able to play by himself for even very short periods of time (he will start sobbing and saying he can't and doesn't know how to etc when suggested to him). When we are playing, all his games involve being very physical, pretending to be things (pirates, aliens etc), hide and seek, the floor is lava, that kind of thing. Even when we sit down and watch a movie or show, it's a constant running commentary on everything and just doesn't feel like a remotely relaxing experience. He's only recently in the last couple of weeks starting sleeping in his own bed consistently (after I pretty much insisted on it) and will still wake up needing OH a few times a night. I do also find him quite baby-ish in other ways, such as still having a dummy, having a bottle of juice at bedtime, using a buggy etc, but I try to keep my parenting preferences to myself if it's not directly affecting me (like the sleep issue was).

Anyway, for various reasons I haven't been sleeping well at all for the past 3 months or so, have been dealing with a few chronic health issue flare ups, and struggling a bit with anxiety. As a result I've been pretty exhausted. I work a fairly mentally demanding job, and as mentioned have two boys of my own who also have busy schedules. I've found myself starting to put some boundaries in place with my OH's son in terms of taking more regular breaks from playtime, taking myself off to the bedroom for some time to rest and decompress (between 15-30 mins for example), going to bed earlier if they’re having a late movie night or where possible having a lie in on a Sunday.

During a discussion about all sorts of life/parenting things, it's come to light that my OH isn't too happy that I've taken this step back. He feels I should be making more effort to play whenever his DS wants, and should be getting up with them when it's his Sunday as the kid is excited to spend time with me and it's unfair of me to 'lie in bed for hours' ignoring them downstairs. Aside from the fact that I'm particularly exhausted right now, l'm up by 6am five days a week and often take my DS's to football matches of a weekend or am facilitating their social lives and sleepovers etc, even when it’s not technically my weekend, (which I absolutely don’t mind). I feel like I'm entitled to spend the odd Sunday l actually have off, resting and recharging a little. For context I can only think of one occasion where I did stay in bed for a few hours when I was having a truly shitty day, more often than not l'll be up and about with them within an hour or so and will then spend the whole day with them. OH says he feels disappointed that I don't want to maximise my time with his DS, that he's tired too but just has to get on with it, and that he finds it hard not to be sad when DS is excited to spend time with me but l 'choose to sit on my phone ignoring him’ instead.

I've told him that I'm giving everything I have right now. It's not that I don't care, don't like him or his son, or want the relationship to go backwards. But I'm not a bottomless pit, I'm a human being with my own needs and wants and I'm struggling to give everyone and everything in my life 100% or even 80% right now because I'm so run down. He says he understands to a degree but has essentially told me that unless I can be all in, I should just stay at home when he has his son as he can't cope with the disappointment. My stance is that it shouldn't need to be so black and white, all or nothing. We should be able to compromise, he should be able to trust me that I'm not just being lazy and I will give as much effort as I possibly can (which yes may look different on any given day), and that it might perhaps be a valuable lesson for his son to learn that people aren't robots here to cater to his every whim every waking minute of the day.

Am I being selfish?

That’s terrible. Sounds like the dad’s behaviour has rubbed off on dd. I hope your sister starts saying no to unreasonable demands.

Absolutely not. OH needs to be doing more of the play if it is essential. He needs to be more fun so you arent the default pirate.

I think if he is a demanding child it probably is easier not to be there as often. See them for the afternoom or whatever suits. And during that afternoon OH has to be at least as active as you are during the playtime. You are there to join in not do it for him.

When my widowed grandad married my nan, he had 2 young kids.

My nan was 15 years younger than him, and her parents (wisely, i think!) said that he just wanted someone to look after his kids.
My nan being stubborn as a mule ignored them, and married him anyway.

It's only as an adult that I thought her mum and dad were actually right.

You are the nanny, except that you don't get pay or time off. Is that what you want for yourself?

Personally, I would have thought you stepping back and allowing your partner and his son, some 'alone time' would have been welcomed. There's no reason why you need to constantly be with them both. I rather suspect that your partner finds his own son rather exhausting! If his son needs attention all the time, then that is draining. Therefore, of course your partner wants you there all the time, to help him with his son! I would call his bluff, tell him that you need to recharge your batteries, so one of the days over the weekend you will be staying at home, so you can rest. You'll come over the following morning, and spend the day with them. Be honest say that you are struggling, and you need to do this for you, and it's no reflection on him or his son.

So many red flags, khaki goose! Sounds like you came here because of them, now act on them. Take your life back ✌️

Ou shouldn't be there on those Sundays at all. He should be spending one in one time with his father. I've grown up with divorced parents and no kid wants to see their parents boyfriends or girlfriends, you want to spend time alone with your own parent!

Er no. Just no. Unless he spends his child free time running your children around to their clubs, cooking for you all etc

Of course he is!

And if you ever move in together he will expect you to take on meals, bath time, the works.

What does your OH do when the child says these things? Does he attempt to distract him or tell him that they can play together? I'm confused as to why his son says no one will play with him when YOU are not playing with him.

OP, how is your blood not boiling? You need to find your anger at OH!

OP’s boyfriend guilt trips her when she spends the day elsewhere.

I think your instincts are spot on @KhakiGoose , and you’re only questioning yourself due to you partner’s complaints. I’m sure he cares about you in his own way but he really wants someone to “dilute” his parenting effort, not fair on you or the kid. I’d pull back and protect yourself- if he grows up fine but if he throws a paddy chuck him off.

Good luck, and well done as you rarely see a women considering this stuff so rationally on here.

You've only been with him a year. You shouldn't even have met his son yet. It's too soon. Like a pp said, he should be spending time with his son alone. Poor kid.
I don't like his attitude either. Nothing you do will ever be enough. Just like he's bad mouthing his ex, who of course ' did nothing.' He'd have gone for full custody ? He's a joke.
I'd call it a day.

No, you’re not being selfish.

I think you should stay at your place some weekends to recharge. You sound a fab parent, who works hard, so you should enjoy being able to lie in as long as you like.

This would also help prevent the little lad getting too attached to you, and thereby you feeling guilty, if you should decide you no longer want to pursue the relationship. Given his parents have had an acrimonious split, if he gets too attached to you, it’ll be extra traumatic for him. For his sake, you should both take it slowly.

You’re only a year into your relationship, yet you’re being encouraged to play a step-mother role, whereas you’ve clearly been more sensible about how close your partner gets to your kids.

Your partner needs to take a step back for the sake of his son. There’s an indication of emotional blackmail, with him saying his son will be upset without you there. His son’s not your responsibility.

Finally, I’d want to know how someone’s last relationship ended before getting too committed, especially with kids involved.

I wonder if your anxiety and ill health are actually a result of all this unreasonable pressure on you... This isn't fair, OP. 🤗

So if you get sick and can’t look after your own children it’s because you prioritised his! I can guarantee he won’t help you out if you do and you will be completely stuck. He sounds dreadful.

I know that parents do things differently but I've always expected mine to entertain themselves as they got older. Sometimes I've had to be blunt and say, "I'm resting/emptying the dishwasher now, go and find something to do", "I don't want any whinging, go find something to do".

This isn't a reasonable expectation of you and I agree that it does sound like he just sees you as a nanny. You need to pull back and really think about the future of this relationship.

You sound so sorted and your kids are at an age where your life is going to get easier, do you really want to get yourself dragged into this man's messy situation?

There are 2 likely scenarios here. He either wanted to get a replacement mummy as soon as possible to make his life easier and that's why he doesn't want you taking time to yourself. Or he is overly protective of his child due to the situation with his mum.

Given how early he introduced you to his son my money is on scenario 1. Either way though, what a bloody mess. You should be running for the hills.

I should also say, even in a standard family set up, me and DH used to tag team in and out when our kids were small and demanding and one parent seemed knackered. It absolutely isn't confusing to say, 'khaki is having a rest now, play with Daddy'. He could distract and redirect him if he wanted to.

I think he could get up and take ds swimming and they could both bring you back breakfast and the day would be nicer for everyone.

Exactly.

I've never heard such bullshit.

It sounds like he can't handle his child and is projecting , massively. Most of what he says about his ex is probably a lie too , you'll never know what actually happened between them though.

You already know what's happening here op , and I hope you can find some space to work out what you really want.

To me it seems pretty clear that he wants you be a full-on , always engaged step mum and as much as you care about this little boy you don't wish to do that. Therefore it's a mismatch , which is fine. Good that you know now and not further along.

PLEASE don't swap your contact weekends so your DC are forced to spend every weekend they have with you with another man and an energetic, demanding, crying 4yr old it will ruin your relationship with your sons.

Your contact weekend is for you to spend quality time with your boys, not to get them to run around after a 4yr old because you and his dad don't want to.

How would that even work? Would you make your boys live at your BFs every alternate weekend, so they have three "homes" (their dad's, yours and your bfs) and are continually packing and unpacking?

Or would the bf and 4yr old stay at yours and the little one bunk in with your DC and wake them up early wanting to play?

There is no upside for your kids to changing the contact weekends, it would just mean you get some child free time with your bf; please put your boys first.

The more you post, the more red flags start waving OP.

He's happy for you to be full on, doing all the activities, without a five minute break, but it's ok for him to scroll his phone, have a vape or "mind the buggy". Why are you letting him get away with that?

Also, the extensive slagging off of his child's mother is not on. He moans she never did much but can't you see, he's starting to say the same about you if you're not 24/7 with his son?

I'd be pulling right back and reclaiming my weekend if this was me, and even reconsidering the relationship.

When I used to have my (now ex’s) children over every other weekend I wasn’t expected (nor wanted) to do any kind of parenting or nannying to them. He did all of that and rightly so. We would do things together (eat out, cinema, parks etc) but I was never expected to parent them in any capacity.