Page 9 | End of maintenance - what to do?

Donewithitt · 2025-01-11T22:51:09+00:00

DSS will be 18 this year, so his maintenance payments will stop. Which are around 1.5k per month (not including school fees) We are pretty sure DSS's mum will KO about it, is there anyway to mitigate this? DH is planning to write to her at the end of this month to let her know it's stopping, so it doesn't come as a shock and she has 10 months to prepare. Currently we can afford to continue the payments and plan on diverting the money, minus the school fees into savings for DSS so he'll leave uni with a lump of 50k - which he can access for a house deposit. Has anyone done anything similar?

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MILLYmo0se · 12/01/2025 09:16

I think your OP didn't contain enough detail which is skewing the replies. If you are giving DS 500 a month, continuing to pay the school then uni fees, have bought his car and cover most of the cost, have DS to stay regularly, are willing to help out financially when unexpected things arise and he plans to work through uni too I think stopping maintenance at 18 makes sense. You will then be supporting him directly rather than payments going through the other parent.

rwalker · 12/01/2025 09:16

Your funding uni fee’s ,giving him allowance,paying for car I think your more than supporting him why would she need maintenance I wouldn’t pay it
the only other think is how is he funding his uni accommodation

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 12/01/2025 09:17

Lavenderfarmcottage · 12/01/2025 02:30

Morally, if you have wealth, it would be nice to do more than what the law requires.

When I came home from boarding school I was sent packing at 17 and told to go rent by my Dad and new Step Mum. As soon as I was 18 I was told to be an adult and I had to pay for my uni books. My Dad had considerable wealth.

I was emotionally and mentally impacted by this and still have anxiety from trying to juggle rent, working, affording uni books. My peers were off having fun and gliding through uni while I struggled. It was a fight to get my degree and I don’t think I realised that it was anxiety and depression and the worries of my unsettled life that were impacting my ability to even concentrate or think. I was just in survival. I eventually got a degree but it really impacted my opportunities. I just wasn’t 100% and always panicked/insedure.

Based on my experience, it’s really stressful not having a home base. Teeangers need support these days for longer. Finding rentals and a home isn’t as affordable or easy as it used to be.

I think if you cut funding to his home base that’s a bit mean - he needs stability and guidance until he’s independent.

I know the law is 18 but it’s outdated. Until you have a skill, trade and job you’re not independent.

I think you should do what is morally right.

If you have considerable wealth you might consider doing a house deposit and ensuring he’s looked after until he’s qualified.

Edited

The law isn't 18!

LadyTangerine · 12/01/2025 09:17

backwayentrance · 12/01/2025 09:13

if the op left her husband or vice versa… his arrangements with his ex wouldnt change

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But she hasn't left her dh so at the moment it is family money.

Most 18yr olds would be ecstatic with this continued financial provision. Many parents let their kids survive on maintenance loans. Obviously some can't afford to subsidise when at uni and dc need to work but the ones who can well afford it aren't always this generous.

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 12/01/2025 09:17

Happy birthday, son! Your present is poverty.

MILLYmo0se · 12/01/2025 09:18

User37482 · 12/01/2025 05:02

Theres legal and then theres whats right. If she is primarily housing, feeding and clothing your SS because he is still in education I think you should still be contributing. I think it’s reasonable to reduce it but it’s utterly unreasonable to think your husband shouldn’t contribute to his ongoing costs and leave them to his mother. You could perhaps take it down to 500 to her until he moves out a few hundred directly to him and the rest in savings.

Put yourself in her shoes, she still has to pay bills and food for 2 people, he doesn’t suddenly stop costing money because he’s 18.

Edited

But he is 50% of the time with his dad I think

strawberrysea · 12/01/2025 09:18

HPandthelastwish · 11/01/2025 23:35

If mum has to downsize as she can no longer afford to keep a spare room available for him if he goes to uni will you be providing him with one?

If mum is still being expected to continue supporting DSS then you should give the money either to his mother to continue to be able to do so or directly to DS and he can pay Housekeeping towards his share of the bills, his part of council tax if he is added to the bill etc whilst she keeps a roof over his head. If you are happy for him to move in with you instead then crack on.

The ex has had 18 years to build a career for herself. CM technically isn't for housing costs and so she should've thought of this way before now.

cakeorwine · 12/01/2025 09:18

I wonder how many people on here would expect their ex to both provide

support to their DC at Uni - as is expected when a child goes to uni
Support to their ex whilst their child is away at uni / at home from Uni

And who have just realised that actually this might not be the case and this could be an issue when their DC goes to uni

novalia89 · 12/01/2025 09:18

PrioritisePleasure24 · 12/01/2025 08:32

This thread is a hard read when people cannot or do not want to read what the op has written properly.

Its almost like they just want to pile on regardless when actually the young person in question has been well looked after financially by their dad and partner and will continue to be.

It’s because it was very ambiguous at the start. They seem to be very generous towards the son but it wasn’t clear whether the dad was going to cut the support the minute the child turned 18 and would rely on the mother to keep paying for up to a year before uni (September year 13 birthday), OR birthday in 2025 and keep paying for 10 months until uni started.

We have now learnt that the OP is in Australia anyway and the child turns 18 in November, will go on holiday to Japan in December anyway and start uni in January. Which is more than fair.

I don’t even think the issue that people were potentially annoyed about was no continual support throughout uni, it was potentially leaving the mother to pay for the rest of his expenses throughout his schooling if his maintenance stopped the day he turned 18, which could be September of year 13.

Maintenance also implies he lives at his mother's house most of the time, we have since learnt that it’s 50-50. Honestly, no wonder people get annoyed at these posts, when the timeline is ambiguous and so much information is missing.

The DSS is extremely generous towards the son, but could potentially have been seen as harsh if money stopped the day the son turned 18. It wasn’t clear in these posts, which is usually the problem on here.

LadyTangerine · 12/01/2025 09:18

backwayentrance · 12/01/2025 09:15

what to do?

why ask op. you have ready decided what you’re going to do

She is canvassing opinions, many do.

backwayentrance · 12/01/2025 09:19

strawberrysea · 12/01/2025 09:18

The ex has had 18 years to build a career for herself. CM technically isn't for housing costs and so she should've thought of this way before now.

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what is CM “technically” for if you can say it’s “not technically” for housing?

AgathaCrispies · 12/01/2025 09:19

AgathaCrispies · 12/01/2025 08:57

The reality is there are deadbeat dads who contributed nothing. So some posters will be angry and projecting those feelings onto the OP.

There are those who have become very reliant on CM as a financial contribution to their income and don't want it to stop.

There are also those who have put their head in the sand and not recognised that this money will come to an end and that can be a very scary realisation, provoking anger and fear.

This money does stop at a certain point and that is the point to have the difficult conversation with the adult child as to what happens next in terms of making them independent. If they want to continue living at home they must start to contribute financially, either through full time or part time work. Adult children shouldn't be enabled to do nothing, it's just not healthy for them or society.

It's easy to demonise the NRP as the cause of the change and throw accusations of not caring about the child or being a shit dad, but the reality is the child also needs to grow up and help themselves.

The OP is being more than generous and some posters are looking to pick holes which is completely unfair.

Lots of CAT 2 posters out today 😂

Classic Step mum bingo:

It's 50% your money but butt out because you don't have a say.

Emotional blackmail, ' at least DSS knows you don't care about him'. As he glides along in the new car you bought him.

@Donewithitt don't pay any attention to these posters. They have an agenda and will not see it any other way because its not in their interests to do so.

You're doing a great job in supporting him 👏

strawberrysea · 12/01/2025 09:19

HellonHeels · 11/01/2025 23:54

You sound similar to my father and stepmother. Where I grew up, maintenance stopped at 18.

My 18th birthday fell in the middle of a week - they calculated the last payment down to the day and made a pro rata payment.

For goodness sake step up and keep paying. Where's he living during university holidays?

£1.5k maintenance a month when the child doesn't even live at home is absolute insanity

Memyselfmilly · 12/01/2025 09:20

novalia89 · 12/01/2025 09:00

Because if you are in the UK, and a child turns 18 on the 1st of September and they are in Year 13 doing their A Levels, all parental support stops, because they are legally an adult? They should have to pay rent and their own food and expenses because they are now legally an adult? Seems harsh.

My friend had to pay her parents rent when she was in school. I’m glad my parents were a bit more financially supportive to me.

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This is not what happens. If they are still in education it does not stop in the UK until the have left full time education (college or 6th form, not uni)

the OP is not in the Uk. I am assuming Ireland? So the step son will be 18 going to uni. So they are stopping payments directly to his mother when he leaves for uni. Payments will continue to ss in the form of his allowance and his uni fees are being paid.

the OP is looking for advice on how to communicate to the mother that the payments will stop when he goes to uni.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 12/01/2025 09:21

Donewithitt · 12/01/2025 08:57

We are not dead beat parents, nor are our obligations immoral - I'd love to know what others get by comparison.

DH and DSS's mum were never married, so no issue with maintenance - or legal obligation. We are just at the point of where does it stop? We want to support him, which I believe we are doing?

31 August after he finishes his A levels.

Timetochillnow · 12/01/2025 09:21

ttcat37 · 12/01/2025 09:03

At least he’s old enough to understand that his father left him high and dry at 18.

How did you reach this conclusion?

cakeorwine · 12/01/2025 09:21

novalia89 · 12/01/2025 09:18

It’s because it was very ambiguous at the start. They seem to be very generous towards the son but it wasn’t clear whether the dad was going to cut the support the minute the child turned 18 and would rely on the mother to keep paying for up to a year before uni (September year 13 birthday), OR birthday in 2025 and keep paying for 10 months until uni started.

We have now learnt that the OP is in Australia anyway and the child turns 18 in November, will go on holiday to Japan in December anyway and start uni in January. Which is more than fair.

I don’t even think the issue that people were potentially annoyed about was no continual support throughout uni, it was potentially leaving the mother to pay for the rest of his expenses throughout his schooling if his maintenance stopped the day he turned 18, which could be September of year 13.

Maintenance also implies he lives at his mother's house most of the time, we have since learnt that it’s 50-50. Honestly, no wonder people get annoyed at these posts, when the timeline is ambiguous and so much information is missing.

The DSS is extremely generous towards the son, but could potentially have been seen as harsh if money stopped the day the son turned 18. It wasn’t clear in these posts, which is usually the problem on here.

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You do realise that some parents may do 50 / 50 AND also give maintenance to an ex.

One of the problems is people reading and then their brain interpreting it to fit in into their biases and filling in "the gaps" to fit into their view of the world.

HollyKnight · 12/01/2025 09:21

backwayentrance · 12/01/2025 09:15

what to do?

why ask op. you have ready decided what you’re going to do

Her "what to do" is about whether to put the plan in a letter to the ex or not.

backwayentrance · 12/01/2025 09:21

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 12/01/2025 09:21

31 August after he finishes his A levels.

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you just plucked that from thin air didn’t you
because it’s patently untrue

Shooperpooper · 12/01/2025 09:21

UnderTheStairs51 · 12/01/2025 09:12

With the list of what you do pay, you are being totally fair.

This post is a great example of how step parents can never be right on Mumsnet, it is very skewed against them.

This. Plenty of children work their way through university… and don’t have 50k to come out with!

and I don’t understand the comments on the mum’s housing. The housing would have been sorted as part of the divorce settlement, why should he pay for her housing when (I’m going to presume) she got to keep the family home.

lot of angry single mothers on here taking it out on the OP and it really shows

Memyselfmilly · 12/01/2025 09:22

Shooperpooper · 12/01/2025 09:21

This. Plenty of children work their way through university… and don’t have 50k to come out with!

and I don’t understand the comments on the mum’s housing. The housing would have been sorted as part of the divorce settlement, why should he pay for her housing when (I’m going to presume) she got to keep the family home.

lot of angry single mothers on here taking it out on the OP and it really shows

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Not married so wouldn’t have been a divorce settlement.

LBFseBrom · 12/01/2025 09:23

I thought it stopped the day before 19th birthday. Presumably, if the boy is going to uni, his dad will be giving him something towards support, just not to his mother.

Tangerinenets · 12/01/2025 09:23

We paid until Uni and bought our daughter a car as she moved out of the family home completely. We transferred the money to her directly. Her mum had a husband and more kids at that point so only fair my SD benefitted directly.

What you’re doing is more than fair.

backwayentrance · 12/01/2025 09:23

HollyKnight · 12/01/2025 09:21

Her "what to do" is about whether to put the plan in a letter to the ex or not.

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no it isn’t.
where on earth do you get the impression she is asking mumsnet whether to put it in a letter
the op mentions her dh is planning to write but then the letter isn’t mentioned again

cakeorwine · 12/01/2025 09:24

Memyselfmilly · 12/01/2025 09:22

Not married so wouldn’t have been a divorce settlement.

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How do you know they didn't come to a settlement of some kind?

Or are you projecting?