End of maintenance - what to do?

[Donewithitt]

DSS will be 18 this year, so his maintenance payments will stop. Which are around 1.5k per month (not including school fees)
We are pretty sure DSS's mum will KO about it, is there anyway to mitigate this?
DH is planning to write to her at the end of this month to let her know it's stopping, so it doesn't come as a shock and she has 10 months to prepare.
Currently we can afford to continue the payments and plan on diverting the money, minus the school fees into savings for DSS so he'll leave uni with a lump of 50k - which he can access for a house deposit.
Has anyone done anything similar?

He’s working and his dad is paying him an allowance - they’ve also bought him a car and are paying a fuel allowance. They’re also paying his fees.

Lol they're paying his uni fees, giving him an allowance, they bought him a car and are giving him a fuel allowance. The boy is fine. It's the mother who will no longer be getting money from her ex.

As usual there is so much projecting on these threads. Just because your children's father is a deadbeat it doesn't mean everyone else's is too.

@mummy3456 what is a TBI?

You do not have to pay maintenance once dss finishes school. University you don’t have to pay for.

i can’t understand all the munsnetters on him talking about you cutting him off ? You don’t have to give his mother money forever. You can help dss out with bills and money, but you don’t have to forever fund his ex.

pls see OPs updates re uni funds

Who will pay his uni accommodation?

@mrsconradfisher

Having £50k isn’t much good when he won’t actually have money to get through Uni. Do you have a child at Uni? It’s costing us £8k a year for him to be there.

And OP's step son will get £6k a year from his dad (£500 a month) and have a part time job so will only need to earn the equivalent of £166 a month to have the £8k a year you speak of. The equivalent of around 3/4 hours paid work a week at minimum wage. You really think that's tough?!

Plus anyone who has recruited graduates will tell you that having a part time job on your CV when you leave uni is massively preferable to not having one, when it comes to job hunting.

He'll also have a car bought for him, money towards petrol, insurance paid for, uni fees paid for and an annual 'proper' holiday abroad.

You honestly think that equates to him 'not actually having the money to get through uni'.

That's a phenomenally generous amount!

IMHO, as someone who got one holiday a year bout otherwise zero from estranged parent, this arrangement looks VERY fair and generous towards DSS.

DH plans to put his maintenance payments as an overpayment on the mortgage. His kids (plus mine) will inherit the house one day anyway 🤷‍♀️ We can help out along the way but £500pcm as an overpayment will be very nice.

The OP's son will get money for food, clothes etc to get by at Uni.

Which means the ex will not need to provide that when he's away.
So it comes down to when he's at home. Which is going to be - how are those long summer holidays covered when the son is at home.

The OP's ex will still need to pay rent / mortgage on their property - regardless of if her son was there or not.

Her energy bills will be reduced to some degree by her son not being there very often.

Her food bill will be reduced by a lot with her son being away.

Her son is being supported financially by his Dad / her ex at uni and I presume will also be spending time over the holidays with them.

Some tough decisions need to be made.

We are not dead beat parents, nor are our obligations immoral - I'd love to know what others get by comparison.

DH and DSS's mum were never married, so no issue with maintenance - or legal obligation. We are just at the point of where does it stop? We want to support him, which I believe we are doing?

The reality is there are deadbeat dads who contributed nothing. So some posters will be angry and projecting those feelings onto the OP.

There are those who have become very reliant on CM as a financial contribution to their income and don't want it to stop.

There are also those who have put their head in the sand and not recognised that this money will come to an end and that can be a very scary realisation, provoking anger and fear.

This money does stop at a certain point and that is the point to have the difficult conversation with the adult child as to what happens next in terms of making them independent. If they want to continue living at home they must start to contribute financially, either through full time or part time work. Adult children shouldn't be enabled to do nothing, it's just not healthy for them or society.

It's easy to demonise the NRP as the cause of the change and throw accusations of not caring about the child or being a shit dad, but the reality is the child also needs to grow up and help themselves.

The OP is being more than generous and some posters are looking to pick holes which is completely unfair.

Because if you are in the UK, and a child turns 18 on the 1st of September and they are in Year 13 doing their A Levels, all parental support stops, because they are legally an adult? They should have to pay rent and their own food and expenses because they are now legally an adult? Seems harsh.

My friend had to pay her parents rent when she was in school. I’m glad my parents were a bit more financially supportive to me.

Seems completely fair.

Plus its 50:50.

If the boys mother doesn't have a job she has ten months to find one.

At least he’s old enough to understand that his father left him high and dry at 18.

Only in further education (college) not higher education (uni)

Sounds like you have a plan to continue to support him and I'm sure he'll appreciate the additional savings later on when he comes to buy a house. Also sounds like you are being fair to give his mother warning of when maintenance payments will stop - they are payments to support him not her so she must be aware it will be coming to an end.

Not higher education. If he took an HNC at college for example but university is different as you get loans etc.

I think providing notice is sensible. As PP suggested, but away most of the amount but perhaps split it so he has some help with accommodation costs while he's there.

@ttcat37 are you fucking kidding me?

tbf…. you aren’t his parent at all let alone a deadbeat one or not a deadbeat one

leave this to your husband and his ex and his dss

This!

The dss will continue to receive loads of financial support from his Dad, just it will go directly to him rather than via the his other parent.

I wouldn't let her know, she'll surely know the rules and that the payments will be ending soon.

Oh my god , did you read any of OPs posts?