End of maintenance - what to do?

[Donewithitt]

DSS will be 18 this year, so his maintenance payments will stop. Which are around 1.5k per month (not including school fees)
We are pretty sure DSS's mum will KO about it, is there anyway to mitigate this?
DH is planning to write to her at the end of this month to let her know it's stopping, so it doesn't come as a shock and she has 10 months to prepare.
Currently we can afford to continue the payments and plan on diverting the money, minus the school fees into savings for DSS so he'll leave uni with a lump of 50k - which he can access for a house deposit.
Has anyone done anything similar?

Yes I agree, support shouldn’t be indefinite. Just because his mother doesn’t kick him out at 35 doesn’t mean that the father should still also pay.

This is absolutely fine. The payments to the ex need to stop, and she will know this. The arrangement for DSS is going to continue. This is exactly what my OH did with all three of his kids.

I think you should make sure as per the divorce/financial arrangements made that you’re interpreting things correctly, but if you think she’s likely to KO, sending a letter might cause more trouble.

deal with the situation that arises, don’t pre-empt the inevitable otherwise it may open up a can of worms

you’re not doing anything wrong, so don’t poke the ex. Let her do her homework when the payments stop.

if she kicks off, then deal with it factually, clearly and professionally. Don’t engage in ANY drama at all and don’t get dragged into anything. Grey rock/broken record all the way

I think she was asking more around giving the mother a heads up, not on whether the level of support they will provide will be enough. Out of curiosity what do you think she's being unreasonable about?

I personally don’t see the issue that other people do with telling her. Like keeping it a secret would be the best thing to do and not cause argument. In reality the best thing to do would have a civil conversation on how their child would be jointly supported through uni. A heads up should be beneficial.

I have been on the other side of this. It's brutal. I work full time but overnight lost CMS, CB and the child allowance element of UC. Literally one day to the next at an expensive point where I was preparing my YP for uni life, kitting them out and getting them settled in. Their Dad, despite earning 6 figures has given no financial support to them since so any support additional to their student loan is funded entirely by me - on a low income. They live with me full time so again the costs of keeping them in the uni holidays fall entirely to me but I am down well over £1k a month compared to Aug. Yes I could ask for a contribution from my YP but I would rather cut back on other things than do that as I love having them home and supporting as best I can.

I am furious on my YPs behalf that the state does not demand a high earner like my ex to support their student child directly. In my view they should have to provide the same level of maintenance to the student directly through their degree with the loan element being reduced. Effectively my YP is taking on extra debt because an affluent parent has not voluntarily offered support. In the case of my YP this amounts to over £20k (if they had listed their Dad as the resident parent). Not surprisingly my YPs views about their non paying father are pretty disparaging. It is hugely damaging on an emotional level to feel like you have been 'abandoned' by a parent who expects to maintain a semblance of a relationship but with zero practical or financial support. Especially when they see said parent spending lavishly.

Morally, if the tables were turned I would be giving my YP the same CMS throughout their uni studies - paying them directly. The YP can then reasonably be expected to contribute to bills for the resident parent during the holidays with this money if budget allows. Equally I would be providing practical support to share the burden with the other parent and showing a united, supportive front to the YP making it clear that support is not just cut off once they are 18.

But you should have prepared it's not a secret that this was going to happen. It's absolutely not down to your ex to fund your life style indefinitely.

Your son is an adult. He has a loan and it's down to both you and your ex to fund him separately. Why should the money go to you and not him?

Your example is different as OP says they plan to continue to support step son.

Will he be living at home OP?
Because the allowance may be seen as generous if he is, but nowhere near enough if he’s not.

@lovemetomybones did you not read my post?! I knew in advance and did prepare. My ex is not supporting our YP at all and at no point did I say any support they should morally provide beyond 18 should go to me. Quite the opposite. My YP is also working so we are managing but their student experience would be immeasurably less stressful if they had both parents providing support not just me on a low income. Equally it has been very damaging for them to feel the other parent doesn't care. Show some empathy!

@Memyselfmilly I agree with you - as long as this has been fully discussed with the child and perhaps formalised legally to offer peace of mind to them as there is no guarantee with these things unless they set up and fund the act in the child's name. But yes, morally on much better ground!

What your ex did was pretty shitty!! It’s not something I could ever do.

agree that it should be discussed, don’t think there should be any need for legal to be involved - you wouldn’t do this normally with any of your children?? I think OP and her husband writing to the mum and outlining how they plan to support would go a long way to ensure everyone is aware how the ss will be supported.

Why hasn't your Adult child discussed it with their dad? surely they should have had an adult conversation directly with them if they wanted ongoing financial support from them.

It's entirely possible that despite being a higher earner he cannot afford to provide support through university. You really don't know what his finances are.

Full time university isn't compulsory but a choice. If its not affordable then other options need to be looked at. Was their dad involved in the conversation about options or was the assumption made they should just pay?

It's not a moral obligation to go to university, so putting financial support on a moral footing for a career choice isn't reasonable but manipulative.

Its not as black and white as you're making it out to be.

But that still doesn’t mean his ex should receive any further payment. It’s about supporting the child while they are a child. DS will be an adult, at uni, with a job and an allowance from his dad, plus a car and a petrol allowance. So he’ll be responsible for paying his way wherever he stays - and that’s a 50/50 split between OP’s home and ex’s. Given the extent to which OP and her DH have contributed, what exactly is ex’s contribution I wonder. OP is convinced she’ll kick off - there has to be a reason for that.

Ah, here we go with posters tying themselves up in knots to prove he’s a deadbeat dad, despite him going above and beyond. Despite 50/50 contact dad is paying £1500 CMS plus paying for school fees. That is generous when you look at the average pittances paid here. Not to mention the true deadbeat dads who will do anything to sidestep their responsibility. And if you read the OP and updates, she’s mentioned several times that contact was split 50/50.

I think this makes an important point. Uni is a choice not a necessity. So ongoing parental financial support is by no means guaranteed. That’s why CMS stops at the end of further education, not higher education.

OP says he’s moving away to uni. But he’ll be working as well as getting the £500 allowance - he also has a car and petrol allowance, and will be able to access student loans for accommodation etc. And why should making up the shortfall fall to his DF - what contribution is his mother making ?

All ours went to/are going to university. They also work and we contribute. What I would not expect even if separated from their df that he'd give me money once they are adults as you seem to think would be morally correct. We pay our own bills as is of course correct morally amd otherwise.

Maybe she hasn’t? OP doesn’t mention how long ago the DM and OP’s DH split up. It could only be two or three years ago.

I didn’t mean that both parents shouldn’t contribute though?
Uni is far more expensive if you’re living away. I know he’s an adult and can work and get loans presumably. But it also depends on the subject he’s doing. Some of them are very intense and involve far more hours at uni or on work placements than others do. So that can make working, at least during term time, that bit more difficult.

Sorry for my ignorance, or in case I have missed previous messages, but can I ask why maintenance at this level was set until the child was 18? Was there a massive income disparity? Did the mum ever return to full time work? Did it include a spousal maintenance element too?

My dad paid my mum child support until we turned 18. After that he paid towards our rent and living costs at uni, bought our books and sent us 50 quid a week supermarket vouchers for food. The only difference was he no longer gave money to our mum.

Mum never took the opportunity to retrain or skill up so she sold the family house, downsized, and lived I think on the remaining equity. But that was her choice. Once we were old enough she could have gone back to work. She had a degree.

In this day and age, I don't understand why women expect their former husbands to subsidise them beyond the day a child has moved out of home. I admit I don't know the legal ins and outs, but aren't these 'mesher' orders a thing of the past?

I am divorced myself. Clean break, 50-50 childcare split, worked full time from when my child was three months old. My exh did pay half for our nanny, who only I needed to use because he has a much more flexible job, when our child was young enough to need full time adult supervision. We will now share all university fees and living costs, as specified in our financial order.

If the OP's husband is going to fund university and house deposits and such, I don't understand why he needs to pay any more money to the mum? Unless there was an order for lifetime financial support?

OP says he’s moving away to uni.

Just checked and OP actually says that currently he ‘wants’ to go away to uni. So nothing seems set in stone. He’ll obviously need much more money at uni if he’s living away from home and will probably need loans as well as working. Is this the best way to do it then? For DS/DSS to get a loan while OP and his dad save for him. Or would it be better to give him a bit more while he’s at uni and save less?

I just think the two scenarios - at home or away at uni - are so different that the financial plans regarding SS can’t be fully decided at this stage.

what an absolute joke of a post. 50k lump sum is NOT high and dry 🤣🤣🤣

I wish I'd known this 25 years ago. I had to support myself living alone from YR11 onwards and lived in poverty through A levels and university having to self-fund everything, because both of my parents married abusive people who refused to let me live with them and went along with this. I should have sued them both.

@Donewithitt from your update if you are providing him a regular allowance and paying his fees, plus he is living with you and his mother equally during university holidays then there's no reason you should be paying maintenance to the mother now.

If he was living with her during the holidays pro-rating the maintenance for the number of weeks he's not at university would have been reasonable, but since that's not the case what you propose seems fair.

I am reading that DSS spends time equally between his mum and dads house. Why then is maintenance paid at all? I thought shared custody meant no one got maintenance

@cmsquagmire Your situation is shitty and I’m sorry that you/your child are going through it. 💐

The OP’s DSS is in a different position though, he lives 50/50 between his parents and his Dad will continue to provide an allowance, pay uni fees, pay for his car, etc. He’s not being left high and dry and his Mum won’t need to provide as much as you do.