End of maintenance - what to do?

[Donewithitt]

DSS will be 18 this year, so his maintenance payments will stop. Which are around 1.5k per month (not including school fees)
We are pretty sure DSS's mum will KO about it, is there anyway to mitigate this?
DH is planning to write to her at the end of this month to let her know it's stopping, so it doesn't come as a shock and she has 10 months to prepare.
Currently we can afford to continue the payments and plan on diverting the money, minus the school fees into savings for DSS so he'll leave uni with a lump of 50k - which he can access for a house deposit.
Has anyone done anything similar?

I read it like that one first read too, but it is not ‘minus the school fees’ as in they are going to stop being paid. It’s ’disregarding the school fees’ as in they will be paid regardless of any other monies stopping and the school fee amount won’t be included in the maintenance money that they send across now once he turns 18.

Which is also equally confusing if he turns 18 a month before he starts uni, so they would surely have been paid anyway, but hey ho. People don’t understand how other people will read something.

Sounds like you are supporting DSS very well indeed

An unmarried couple can't have a divorce settlement, any 'settlement' between them is actually just an agreement that is not legally enforceable

Is it?

Doesn't it go towards the cost of a child - such as helping provide the cost of a house suitable for DC to live there, the extra cost of household bills, food, clothes etc?

So when the DC is away at Uni, some of these costs will reduce but some will be the same, regardless of whether the DC is there or not, but still need to be paid because DC will be coming back at holiday time?

DSS will be 18 this year, so his maintenance payments will stop. Which are around 1.5k per month (not including school fees)

By reading the above initial comment?……. As said, I agree OP is being fair following her further post(s)

School fees aren’t part of CMS - they’re paid separately. CMS is payable up to age 20 or until end of A levels in the UK. And OP wasn’t suggesting pulling the CMS, or anything else now, she wants to remind the ex that the CMS will be stopping in ten months to prevent any kick back when it happens. And the money from CMS and school fees will be diverted to a personal allowance and uni fees for DS. You’ve spectacularly misunderstood.

edited, to say original comment has been edited.

I think your plans are perfectly reasonable and very generous.

Because the payments said that they would stop this year, when he turns 18, with no indication of when the birthday was or if it was at the end of the academic year or as soon as he turned 18. It could have been 10 months notice to when he turned 18, or 10 months notice to the end of the academic year (confusing if it was August). Or in this case, the truth, November birthday, end of academic year is Decemberish because it is Australia that OP lives in.

If he's 50/50 between the households (in terms of nights slept), it would be normal in the UK for no maintenance to be paid in either direction even below 18.

It sounds like his dad has been generously supportive OP, and I think it's a good idea to warn mum of the plans early. I would consider phrasing it as now DS is going to be 18 and living at university so it relates to the change in living situation not a blank we're going to cut him off now we legally can. And as a matter of courtesy you might let her know what support you're planning on providing direct to him, so she can match if possible.

IF she isn't planning on helping support him with living costs at uni (and she should), I would consider upping that allowance if you can. Or is that already the money you'll no longer be paying to mum? Working part time is good but uni accommodation is expensive, and he needs to have time to study too. Will depend where he's going and costs for students may be different where you are.

Child Maintenance is just that - maintenance for children. Nobody should expect their mortgage to be paid until when? The children are in full time employment? Earning a certain amount? It ends when they are adults as that's a clear change in status. It's known and should be planned for.

Child maintenance is exactly that. But DS will no longer be a child, but an adult going to uni. With a job and £500 a month allowance from his dad, plus car and fuel allowance. He will have access to maintenance loans of up to around £8000 a year if he’s living at home, over £11000 if he’s moving away. He also lives 50/50 between his mum and OP/DH. He’s responsible for paying his own keep wherever he stays. His dad isn’t responsible for maintaining his ex’s living expenses.

This is such an odd thread. The OP is clearly planning on doing above and beyond to support DSS after he hits 18, plus it's 50:50, which means no maintenence was officially due anyway in the first place? The boy gets a healthy monthly allowance, car+associated costs, uni fees paid, a home to go to 50% of time, plus £50k house deposit. That's more than most get as a young adult, surely?!! What the heck is the mum giving him?

Once he's 18, surely it's DSS's money, anything paid to him is paid direct: extra for uni living etc. and wherever he lives out of term time.

Step parents can’t win on MN no matter what they do. And if they’re clearly wealthy step parents it’s even worse !! I think the thread is a mish mash of people not reading the OP and updates properly, and projecting their own experiences. There’s also a really odd vibe from some, that somehow OP and her DH should continue the CMS solely for the benefit of his ex.

My ex paid as usual until she went to uni. He then gave her the money to help through uni.

Only on MN does someone get accused of being a useless parent for stopping maintenance to the ex but still supporting the 18 year old child.
In the real world 18 year olds are expected to pay their own way, I know myself and my friends certainly got very little financial support from parents once we turned 18, honestly I haven’t had a single penny from either of my parents since I started working at 16, and I’m proud of that.

Even my friends who are from quite financially stable families had to pay their uni fees themselves, at most they got their accommodation paid for, but most paid everything themselves by either working or taking maintenance loans, or both.
It sounds like OP and DH are doing more than what is legally or morally required.

Well obviously. I was speaking generally in terms of divorce settlements which are legally binding.

1- I think you should pay for private school until he has left.
No idea how much his mum is earning but I would not leave her paying it all even for 2 months. I have to say, for the sake if 2 months, I’d also pay the maintenance. The living situation (including costs) will be exactely the same afterall.
2- you can ask him to pay his way at Uni, aka good accommodation? I’d look carefully at how it cost though.
I have two dcs at Uni just now and it cost more for them to live than £500 a month.
I also think that it’s your responsibility as parents, regardless or not you’d love the child working. There is a huge difference between working to pay for the extras and working to be able to live. When you say ‘everyone you know has worked through Uni’ what was it?
3- I dint think the money you’d put aside for a house is not here nor there just now. It would be a beautiful gift to the dc. But he first need to be able to live when at Uni. I mean I suspect he’d be quite annoyed at the idea of having to struggle for 3~4 years and then be handed out a huge lump,of money. There has to be a balance.
4- dont make any plans on how much time he is going to spend ‘at home’ when he is at Uni. Some people go back home very often. Others don’t. Obviously where in tye country he’ll go will also have an impact!
5- I would send a reminder to mum about the end of CM. And I’d have a chat about how you’re going to support your dc at Uni. I don’t think you can simply assume or tell her that dc will have to work or she will have to pay X amount to him each month. Good to have a plan of what would be ok for you. But please dint make assumptions.

1.5K pcm excluding school fees!
No comment from me,I live on a different part of the planet so don't feel qualified to give any advice

Some people really miss the point. Child maintenance has never been about supporting the ex. It has always been about supporting the child. When the child reaches adulthood and their parent still wants to support them, they can handle that themselves.

The ex's home and finances are her own responsibility to manage.

Even my friends who are from quite financially stable families had to pay their uni fees themselves, at most they got their accommodation paid for, but most paid everything themselves by either working or taking maintenance loans, or both.

Actually, the system in the U.K. assumes parents will top up whatever student loan one will get (I’d assume the minimum as I’m sure the OP’s dh is a high earner) to match what would be the maximum student loan. And we know the max loan might well not be enough to live on.
Nowhere is it said that parents can and should just give up paying anything after the child turns 18yo.

I have two dcs at Uni atm.
Most of their friends are working during the summer hols (placements or work, if possible in a related field as OP mentioned). Very few work during term time. And if they do, it’s no more than 10 hours a week.

It’s great that you feel proud to not have ‘relied’ on your parents since you were 16yo. But please don’t assume it’s the case for everyone. Some will find that extremely hard to deal with (dc2 know a few students relying on food banks for example - not great). For some, it will have a huge impact on their work at Uni.

Personally there is no way I’d not help my dc knowing they’re struggling so much just because ‘after they turn 18yo, they should be able to be fully financially independent’

I think you have been amazingly generous and he is very lucky. You are still supporting him through Uni and don't need to pay his mum anything as money paid was for his support not hers. There are lots of children that go through Uni without any support you sound like great parents/step parents.

Agree. But I think the question here is more about diverting whatever maintenance was being paid to ex, towards helping out the child directly with uni costs. There’s a few posters who think the CMS arrangement should continue to be paid to the ex, when in practical terms that would be of no benefit to the child. Your post also begs the question what is ex doing to support her son through uni ?

That isn’t how child support (maintenance) works. You can pay what you want unofficially once they're over 18 but legally when you’re out of compulsory education (A levels) there is a cut off. Try getting the CMA involved after that time and see what happens. I would love to still be getting child support indefinitely - in my dreams.

What do you mean by 'high snd dry'?
To me that means no money at all.
I suggest you re read what the DSS will actually be getting.