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Original poster

End of maintenance - what to do?

543 replies

Donewithitt · 11/01/2025 22:51

DSS will be 18 this year, so his maintenance payments will stop. Which are around 1.5k per month (not including school fees)
We are pretty sure DSS's mum will KO about it, is there anyway to mitigate this?
DH is planning to write to her at the end of this month to let her know it's stopping, so it doesn't come as a shock and she has 10 months to prepare.
Currently we can afford to continue the payments and plan on diverting the money, minus the school fees into savings for DSS so he'll leave uni with a lump of 50k - which he can access for a house deposit.
Has anyone done anything similar?

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Pamelaaaaarrr · 12/01/2025 09:48

Soccermumamir · 12/01/2025 09:47

That seems an awful lot of money per month to suddenly just stop. If he's at Uni I'm sure it's until his 19th birthday?

Uni doesn't come into it - it's only during further education, not higher education.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 12/01/2025 09:48

Soccermumamir · 12/01/2025 09:47

That seems an awful lot of money per month to suddenly just stop. If he's at Uni I'm sure it's until his 19th birthday?

It’s not exactly sudden… she’s had 18 years notice

Shooperpooper · 12/01/2025 09:49

Blogswife · 12/01/2025 09:43

My ex did this . Meant his step dad and I supported him 100% through university etc. it was very hard on us but my DH is a good man and didn’t complain once
Now DS is in his mid twenties . We are still the ones helping him emotionally and financially ( loans which he pays back 100%)
DS tells me that he’s very aware of the sacrifices that we made for him and is very appreciative. He also has a good relationship with his DF but again knows he did the minimum he had to
I would suggest you ask DSS mum exactly how much it’s going to cost her if DSS goes to University and contribute towards that and then if you want to divert the rest into an account that’s up to you
Just because he’s 18 doesn’t mean he is financially independent. Inevitably parents will pick up the slack - why should that burden be 100% on his DM ?

Your DS is in his mid 20’s but you still help his emotionally and financially? Why’s that your ex husbands issue? Maybe your son needs to mature a tad?

Twaddlepip · 12/01/2025 09:49

Donewithitt · 12/01/2025 07:25

I'm curious - for everyone who thinks we should continue to pay. What do they receive in these circumstances?

18 year old
Allowance 500 per month
Uni fees paid
Car + fuel card 50 per month + insurance
50/50 home between mum and ours
1 overseas holiday per year - optional if he wants to bring friend / GF we pay hotel room and 1 flight

Plus a big chunk of cash towards a house upon graduation

You’re more than fair. Considerably more. There’s a disproportionate amount of mothers whose own children have stepmothers on here, and they tend to skew these threads with their own bitterness feelings.

Hazylazydays · 12/01/2025 09:49

ttcat37 · 12/01/2025 09:03

At least he’s old enough to understand that his father left him high and dry at 18.

Read the thread … what a ridiculous, stupid, mindless, comment.
The OP and his father are supporting him in every way possible, it’s not their responsibility to support the boys mother.
Sounds as if you have planned it all really well OP, he’s a lucky young man.

cakeorwine · 12/01/2025 09:50

X72 · 12/01/2025 09:48

Like ex wife going out and getting a job?

Show quote history

Maybe ex-wife has a job?
We don't know.

But we do know that it can be expensive as a single person, even with a job, and I would assume that during holiday time, her son will also be living part of the time with his mum as well.

Bills go down when DC are away but not by 50% and mortgage / rent doesn't go down when DC are away.

Shooperpooper · 12/01/2025 09:50

Twaddlepip · 12/01/2025 09:49

You’re more than fair. Considerably more. There’s a disproportionate amount of mothers whose own children have stepmothers on here, and they tend to skew these threads with their own bitterness feelings.

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im sure the thoughts would change if these single mothers got with a man and a large chunk of his own earnings when to his exes kids haha

Blogswife · 12/01/2025 09:50

Blogswife · 12/01/2025 09:43

My ex did this . Meant his step dad and I supported him 100% through university etc. it was very hard on us but my DH is a good man and didn’t complain once
Now DS is in his mid twenties . We are still the ones helping him emotionally and financially ( loans which he pays back 100%)
DS tells me that he’s very aware of the sacrifices that we made for him and is very appreciative. He also has a good relationship with his DF but again knows he did the minimum he had to
I would suggest you ask DSS mum exactly how much it’s going to cost her if DSS goes to University and contribute towards that and then if you want to divert the rest into an account that’s up to you
Just because he’s 18 doesn’t mean he is financially independent. Inevitably parents will pick up the slack - why should that burden be 100% on his DM ?

I should have read the whole thread - whoops !
After reading Ops further posts all sounds fair - he’s a lucky lad to have such rich parents . Hope he appreciates it

Twaddlepip · 12/01/2025 09:50

Hazylazydays · 12/01/2025 09:49

Read the thread … what a ridiculous, stupid, mindless, comment.
The OP and his father are supporting him in every way possible, it’s not their responsibility to support the boys mother.
Sounds as if you have planned it all really well OP, he’s a lucky young man.

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Quite. The comments on here are just mental. 🫢

Rosscameasdoody · 12/01/2025 09:50

Blogswife · 12/01/2025 09:43

My ex did this . Meant his step dad and I supported him 100% through university etc. it was very hard on us but my DH is a good man and didn’t complain once
Now DS is in his mid twenties . We are still the ones helping him emotionally and financially ( loans which he pays back 100%)
DS tells me that he’s very aware of the sacrifices that we made for him and is very appreciative. He also has a good relationship with his DF but again knows he did the minimum he had to
I would suggest you ask DSS mum exactly how much it’s going to cost her if DSS goes to University and contribute towards that and then if you want to divert the rest into an account that’s up to you
Just because he’s 18 doesn’t mean he is financially independent. Inevitably parents will pick up the slack - why should that burden be 100% on his DM ?

You’re projecting your own experience onto OP when it’s very clearly not the same circumstance. Read the updates. DSS has a job, his dad is diverting the CMS funds into an allowance for him, and payment of his uni fees. He’s also bought him a car and has given a fuel allowance. OP says this will continue until he gets a full time job. Plus he lives 50/50 between the two homes. The burden is nowhere near 100% on the ex - in fact the contribution seems to be mostly from OP/DH.

Twaddlepip · 12/01/2025 09:51

There’s two inflammatory aspects of this thread, which I think are causing the mad comments. The OP is a stepmother (boo, hiss, apparently) and they’re clearly wealthy. This is really aggravating some posters for some reason.

JassyRadlett · 12/01/2025 09:51

novalia89 · 12/01/2025 09:40

This is because the original post was full on missing information. When were the payments stopping, the day he turned 18 or the end of the academic year he turned 18? Which house does he live in? Yes, the child is getting a hefty package throughout and after uni, but would the mum be left paying for those few months before uni?

Onlt from subsequent posts have we found that he doesn’t live in the UK - Australia. He turns 18 in November, is on holiday in December and will live at his mums house for 2 weeks before he starts uni in January. He lives 50-50 between houses anyway.

None of that information was in the OP and it posed those questions which drove people crazy.

This is not due to people reading too quickly or making assumptions, it’s due to ambiguous postings.

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There are a large number of posts that made assumptions to fill in the gaps, rather than asking questions.

cakeorwine · 12/01/2025 09:52

JassyRadlett · 12/01/2025 09:51

There are a large number of posts that made assumptions to fill in the gaps, rather than asking questions.

Show quote history

The human brain.

It can't help it

Rightsraptor · 12/01/2025 09:53

I think your arrangements sound very generous, OP, and can only think that posters who think otherwise haven't read all your posts and are jumping to conclusions.

You say you aren't in the UK so clearly our laws etc won't be applicable, so your question must be more about ethics/morality. I think you're approaching it well. My only question is does any of the money go to your DSS's mother? Morally, she'd need warning if that's going to stop.

mitogoshigg · 12/01/2025 09:53

Costs for maintaining him until he leaves education should be 50/50. There is no need to give his mum maintenance as long as he's trustworthy enough to give her money towards his keep if he spends more of the university holidays with her than you. I suggest instead of an abrupt end it is tapered to £500 pm for the first year of university (when in halls, they tend to be home more) then reevaluate whether he's really at his mums much next year. Any maintenance costs at university should be split 50/50 too but income needs to be factored in

Hazylazydays · 12/01/2025 09:53

Twaddlepip · 12/01/2025 09:51

There’s two inflammatory aspects of this thread, which I think are causing the mad comments. The OP is a stepmother (boo, hiss, apparently) and they’re clearly wealthy. This is really aggravating some posters for some reason.

Yes, two of the worlds worst evils according to mumsnet!

cakeorwine · 12/01/2025 09:53

Rightsraptor · 12/01/2025 09:53

I think your arrangements sound very generous, OP, and can only think that posters who think otherwise haven't read all your posts and are jumping to conclusions.

You say you aren't in the UK so clearly our laws etc won't be applicable, so your question must be more about ethics/morality. I think you're approaching it well. My only question is does any of the money go to your DSS's mother? Morally, she'd need warning if that's going to stop.

I'm also reading a book on ethics and "Being Good"

Grin
Rosscameasdoody · 12/01/2025 09:54

Twaddlepip · 12/01/2025 09:51

There’s two inflammatory aspects of this thread, which I think are causing the mad comments. The OP is a stepmother (boo, hiss, apparently) and they’re clearly wealthy. This is really aggravating some posters for some reason.

Nailed it. I’m really surprised that no-one has come up with a way to label her DH a deadbeat dad !!

rosesl · 12/01/2025 09:55

The OP said 10 months notice - they aren't cutting anyone off

Twaddlepip · 12/01/2025 09:55

Rosscameasdoody · 12/01/2025 09:54

Nailed it. I’m really surprised that no-one has come up with a way to label her DH a deadbeat dad !!

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It’s coming, I can feel it in my waters. 😂

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 12/01/2025 09:57

MsCactus · 11/01/2025 23:16

I just googled this out of curiosity - and the government website says you need to pay child maintenance until children are 20 if they stay in education. It sounds like he'll be at uni, still in education, so I think you'll need to pay until he's 20

It’s only 20 if still doing A levels/NVQ/ BTEC etc.
If uni then it’s August 31 before they start as they will have access to maintenance grants etc
https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service/when-child-maintenance-stops

Child Maintenance Service

How to set up or manage a child maintenance arrangement, including what to do if a parent does not pay, how to contact the Child Maintenance Service, and signing in to your account.

https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service/when-child-maintenance-stops

Aquamarinescarf · 12/01/2025 09:58

AgathaCrispies · 12/01/2025 08:57

The reality is there are deadbeat dads who contributed nothing. So some posters will be angry and projecting those feelings onto the OP.

There are those who have become very reliant on CM as a financial contribution to their income and don't want it to stop.

There are also those who have put their head in the sand and not recognised that this money will come to an end and that can be a very scary realisation, provoking anger and fear.

This money does stop at a certain point and that is the point to have the difficult conversation with the adult child as to what happens next in terms of making them independent. If they want to continue living at home they must start to contribute financially, either through full time or part time work. Adult children shouldn't be enabled to do nothing, it's just not healthy for them or society.

It's easy to demonise the NRP as the cause of the change and throw accusations of not caring about the child or being a shit dad, but the reality is the child also needs to grow up and help themselves.

The OP is being more than generous and some posters are looking to pick holes which is completely unfair.

This, in spades.

Memyselfmilly · 12/01/2025 09:59

Twaddlepip · 12/01/2025 09:55

It’s coming, I can feel it in my waters. 😂

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Pretty sure someone already has 😂😂

ToKittyornottoKitty · 12/01/2025 09:59

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 12/01/2025 09:57

It’s only 20 if still doing A levels/NVQ/ BTEC etc.
If uni then it’s August 31 before they start as they will have access to maintenance grants etc
https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service/when-child-maintenance-stops

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its useful to read all the OPs posts on threads before posting

Rosscameasdoody · 12/01/2025 10:02

backwayentrance · 12/01/2025 09:39

it would not have been a “settlement”

it would have been an agreement between the two with no legal consequence if not adhered with

Edited
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Wrong. If it’s part of the divorce settlement that maintenance continues past age 18, or through higher education, the terms are absolutely legally enforceable.