Do you buy the same amount for a step child that you hardly see?

[YellowstoneNa]

I have one step son and 2 kids with my husband.

In the last 6 months we have hardly seen my husbands son (16, going on 17).

He used to come EOW and extra in the holidays but he expressed he wanted to stay at home more and come over when he wants.... Ok, not a problem.

We have been up to see him a few times but as he lives an hour away, Everytime we go to see him there is nothing to do except go for some food. He doesn’t play sports that we can watch. He doesn’t want to come to ours.

We seen him just before Xmas and gave him his Xmas presents. He didn’t even say thank you, he never texts, never asks how anyone is here, never made any conversation during the meal. It was painful to sit through. We are starting to begrudge going all the way up there when he can’t even say ‘How are you?’ Or Thanks or make conversation.

The fact he never said Thank you for his gifts has really pissed us off. It’s so bloody rude. A text to his dad on Xmas day would have been enough:

We have spoken today and it’s come up in conversation that we may cut his Xmas budget next year as he shows no appreciation anyway.

What do others typically do when their step kids (or kids) don’t bother with them.

You're pissed he didn't say thank you. He's probably pissed that he comes from a broken home and barely knows his father. EOW is hardly anything, he sees his teachers more than he sees his father. You and the dad sound like nasty people to consider punishing him instead of trying to speak to him and ask what can be done to make the relationship stronger. He sounds smart to stay away from you.

I think you are being unfair and unreasonable. You are comparing your child who comes from a two parent household to a child who comes from a broken home. It evident your step-son has a completely different lifestyle and upbringing to your other children. It sounds like he doesn't feel very connected to your side of the family, which is not unusual in step-families.

If you have to ask...
Same reason all the other posters have referenced it.

Why would you buy him less gifts than the other DC on the basis that he doesn't see his dad as much as the others do? That is nasty and says a great deal about how much you care about him.

It sounds like you're angry at your DH for not parenting his first born properly so he has reached teen-age with a lack of manners and conversational skills.

Your DH is clearly capable of doing this, as he managed to with your DC, but he has chosen not to parent his first born effectively; why is this?

Your DH has had 16yrs to raise a child who now doesn't say thank you for gifts, that's pretty poor parenting on your DH's behalf wouldn't you say?

Poor lad. There are so many clues in what you say. Great, your teenager is polite but he has grown up with the example constantly and daily set. This boy has not had his natural father living with him for any of his life. That you believe this has no effect because he can’t remember is incredible to me. The day to day matters and he hasn’t had the benefit of this at all, but you expect him to have picked up social graces…,from where, exactly? You say communication with mum is poor - well why? Who has reached out to her? Have you? What’s he been told about the break up? If his dad and his mum don’t communicate well then effective co-parenting and cooperation just haven’t happened. Picking a child up and seeing them at the weekend isn’t coparenting. I have and had lots of phone calls and chats with my son’s father and my stepchildren’s mother and still do. They are between 19 and 29 years old if that is of any interest. Still maturing. It’s the only way it has worked at all. So this lad is expected to know what is usual and normal with no training and consistency , basically. Read a few books on social development and you will learn that pleases, thankyous, table manners, eye contact, polite conversation , social etiquette, all have to be learned (and relearned after puberty - the neurons are a mess) with constant reinforcement. Texting to say thanks does not occur to them. They feel pleased but then miraculously believe the parent knows. I promise you. Give the child a break and look at yourself and his mum and dad’s communication first of all. Please. I recommend a book called Wonderful Ways to be a Stepparent which you may find helpful.

This

I feel sorry for the poor lad.

As a SM you will always be wrong and resentful on here.
I think some of the issues you describe are typical 16 year old behaviour and some are due to different upbringing and expectations.
In terms of reducing the present pot, you don't need to decide now. See how the year goes and decide nearer the time.
I have a DS now 20 who was similar to your 16 year old but he is now so much more communicative and appreciative. He's been at uni and he's kept in touch whilst away and has made more effort whilst back at home. So DCs can evolve and essentially grow up.

It sounds like you are doing all you can. Keep the trips going, invite your DSS to the family events, summer BBQs etc. He does need to know that a lack of thank you is hurtful and when he doesn't say thank you he needs to be told at the time. But the general lack of text initiation and interest in your lives sounds like standard teenage behaviour and you and his DF just need to persist and show he is part of the family and you want to maintain your relationship with him (I'm not saying you don't want to).
I'm a step parent and I know how brutal it is and can be soul destroying. Unfortunately the relationship can be all one way. You just have to stick at it.

We used to have SD every weekend and 90% of school holidays.
Shes 15 now, lives 2 hours away and if we didn’t go over to her once a week to take her out for dinner, we’d be lucky if we saw her once a month!
We’ve had her for just over a week these holidays and got to have Christmas with her which has been lovely!

We have SD & my eldest DD (15&12) and then we have 2 younger girls (5&4).

We always end up spending more on the eldest 2 but they get the same spent on them to the nearest £10 or so!

I wouldn’t dream of spending less on SD because we don’t see her as much anymore. I don’t see it as her responsibility to maintain a relationship with her parents and I don’t feel like spending noticeably less on one child than the others is going to do any good whatsoever.
Obviously your SS’s behaviour and seemingly nonchalant attitude isn’t endearing him to anyone but it’s probably fairly typical behaviour for that age group, I’m not saying it should be excused, you’d be well within your rights to bring it up with him but I think it’s unfair to begrudge going to see him because of it. The parent MUST continue to make the effort.

Has your DH called him to say he's upset about the lack of text? Your DH needs to communicate effectively with his child and as you would do to yours, prompt a text/thank you if one is not forthcoming. I don't think it is unreasonable to expect a thank you but also children/teens do need reminding every now and again

Yes... I do think you should spend the same amount of money.
I understand why you feel hurt but I don't think cutting the budget is the answer here...

I am female but I was exactly like your son at 16, I was actually having a hard time at school and navigating hormones and stuff teenagers deal with.
My parents were saints to put up with my sulky rude moody 16 year self but they showed me love and saw me through it and now we have a fantastic relationship and I have a teenager girl that I'm lovingly seeing through some of the hardest years of her life as your parents probably did with you and you will with your other 2.

Don't give up on him, he's growing and still just a boy.

So you expect all teens to be the same ? You do know not all children or adults are the same don’t you op? Let his Dad go more often on his own he may enjoy that 1 to 1 , maybe not even now but in the future he will appreciate the contact.