Do you buy the same amount for a step child that you hardly see?

[YellowstoneNa]

I have one step son and 2 kids with my husband.

In the last 6 months we have hardly seen my husbands son (16, going on 17).

He used to come EOW and extra in the holidays but he expressed he wanted to stay at home more and come over when he wants.... Ok, not a problem.

We have been up to see him a few times but as he lives an hour away, Everytime we go to see him there is nothing to do except go for some food. He doesn’t play sports that we can watch. He doesn’t want to come to ours.

We seen him just before Xmas and gave him his Xmas presents. He didn’t even say thank you, he never texts, never asks how anyone is here, never made any conversation during the meal. It was painful to sit through. We are starting to begrudge going all the way up there when he can’t even say ‘How are you?’ Or Thanks or make conversation.

The fact he never said Thank you for his gifts has really pissed us off. It’s so bloody rude. A text to his dad on Xmas day would have been enough:

We have spoken today and it’s come up in conversation that we may cut his Xmas budget next year as he shows no appreciation anyway.

What do others typically do when their step kids (or kids) don’t bother with them.

I don't think expecting his Dad to love him unconditionally and a step mum who doesn't want to reduce his presents/contact because he is different to his younger half brother who hasn't even hit the same age is asking too much.

You asked what do other people do about their step child, but he is not your DH's stepchild.

You're treating him as if he is a family friend, as if you can just not bother with him as he doesn't show gratitude.

What do you think DSS would say about you and his siblings (justified or not)?

I think you must not be surprised that a child in DSS's position would hold some resentment and jealousy towards you and possibly also his siblings. It is very par for the course when the relationship between 2 parents has broken down (at whatever age).

I wouldn’t have expected a thank you text tbh.
A thank you when he received the presents would have been enough.

You also can’t compare what he does to what your dcs do - their history are so different.

As PP, it’s just reflection of the relationship between him and his dad.
Up to his dad, your dh, to decide what he is hoping for there. But if he wants a relationship with his ds, he needs to make the effort.
And yes that means going to see him on a 1-1 basis. Going for a meal and then round the town centre. And he needs to do that OFTEN.

fwiw my ds behaviour is way different at home with everyone else and when it’s just the two of us. So I make sure we spend time in a 1-1 basis.
Both of them were also quite hard to reach at that age. It got better as they got older and went to Uni.

One thing is sure, stopping/reducing presents and/or seeing him even less will lead to not seing him at all. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

He’s your step son, it he’s your husbands son. I think you need to step back and chill out and let your husband try to repair their relationship. I think for your husband to ‘punish’ him by giving him less next year because he isn’t as nice and polite and his other kids, would be shit parenting. I think it’s clear to everyone that you don’t like him at all - and it will be clear to him-
so I think you should leave your husband to it.

By the way I think it’s astonishingly hypocritical that you moan about his impolite lack of text messages and social graces, but then say that you won’t make
your own similar aged- wonderfully mannered- child text him.

yes he doesn’t text and it ‘pisses her off’ , yet she admits that she doesn’t make
her own children text him. Double standards here for her step child and her perfect own children.

Christ, OP you come across overbearing. Leave the kid alone, step back and let your husband build relationship with his child.

Totally agree with this.

Please keep showing up for him. Even if he doesn't show it now, it'll matter.

Really? I’m explaining on a thread, not messaging him direct! Jesus.

@DisasterDisaster makes a really good point about 1-2-1. My teen is like a different person 1-2-1, as is my teenage niece. Many teens just don't do well in a group. And bear in mind they have to spend a lot of time in forced groups at school so it's not surprising they don't want to do this in their free time as well.

He doesn’t text to say thank you when he’s received a few hundred £ to his dad!! Which is normal behaviour!

Clearly I’m not asking him to text our kids saying thank you… and I never mentioned about him not texting them.

He never said thank you when DH handed them over either.

Just said see you later.

I never once said about reducing contact!!!

I get the monosyllabic behaviour is a boring pain in the ass but play the long game here. Keep the gift budget as is in the spirit of fairness and keep trying. I don't mean a heroic effort but a keep steady approach. Chances are you'll be glad when he comes out of his awkward fog as an adult you will actually want to spend time with.

When it's your own kids that are 16......
16 will be a difficult age ..
they won't mean to be rude
..they are just excited for Christmas..
of course you won't dream of cutting their budget for not saying thankyou to your schedule

You're never going to win on here, OP. First it was because you didn't understand teenagers and that they're all sulky and rude. Then when you said that you have a teen who doesn't behave like that, it's because all teens are different and some can't help being rude. Then it's because his parents aren't together, which seemingly absolves children of all responsibility for any sort of poor behaviour. Then it's because your DP must have been a shit dad for the past 16 years so it's all his fault.

A DSC can just never be accountable for anything on here. If you had posted about your own child behaving like this, you would have had such different responses.

His behaviour is just rude. Not just not saying thank you, but the continual cold indifference and lack of engagement no matter what you do or try. I honestly do not know what other posters expect you or your DP to do. You're doing everything you can.

'We are starting to begrudge going all the way up there when he can’t even say ‘How are you?’'

Yes you did.

He hasn't really done anything wrong to earn your condemnation. I don't know why he would text to say thank you when he was at dinner with you. Anything he had to say would be said there. He doesn't need to be particularly grateful that his father provided him with a Christmas meal. Most teens are provided with a meal on Christmas Day which is paid for by parents. It's not his fault that he lives an hour away and you therefore couldn't cook the meal. Offering him a meal at Christmas is pretty standard stuff. Did he have a choice in the location? If so and he chose a very expensive place then a thank you is needed but if you chose then he was really just providing a meal as any other parent would.

He's likely not communicative because he doesn't have a close enough relationship with any of you to have much to say. Your husband needs to build a stronger relationship based around his interests. He will have interests even if you don't know them. It's your DH's responsibility to care enough about his son to find out. He doesn't stay at home and sleep 24 hours a day so he does have interests.

It sounds as though you resent the drain that he creates on your time, money and emotional energy. Teens are hard and require parenting and investment to see them through to the other side. This is what your DH signed up when he had a child and you by extension through marriage. He is not a spare part in his own life and he is not inferior to your children. It's depressing to read that your DH doesn't know him well enough to even know what to do with him and you both resent the cost of spending time with him. Find out his interest and invest in it just the way you would spend money on the day to day activities in your own children's lives. If nothing else, then your DH should take him to a cafe weekly to check in on his week. The money will be no different to what you spend on your own children through incidentals.

If my own child did not say thank you for a gift I would be prompting them.

His impolite lack of text message to say thank you for his Christmas gifts. Not in general.

Issue isn’t with how much he texts, it’s with how rude he has been to not text and say thank you, like most people do. I thought it was pretty standard protocol to reach out and thank people for gifts!

Yes… begrudge it, doesn’t mean we are reducing it.

It is standard to say thank you. Of course it is. Are we in a parallel universe? If my teen DC did not say thank you to me for spending a few hundred quid on presents they would be in trouble. Same if anyone else had bought them presents and didn't get a thank you.

You said yourself you've hardly seen him in six months, only a few times. There's not much contact to reduce anyway, by the sound of it.

Ah look, he's a 16 year old boy, it wouldn't occur to 99% of them to text to say thank you unless you stood over them and threatened to sever the Wifi.

I wonder if he’s angry & doesn’t know what to do with that feeling.

Yes he was at dinner with us and he didn’t say thank you then either? It doesn’t matter if the meal was at a fine dining establishment or at McDonald’s!! We must live in different universes because as far as I’m aware everyone should be saying thank you.

He didn’t come over ours for Xmas because it was his mums turn.

Even when you don’t have strong relationships with people you still make polite conversation. Standards questions like ‘what have you been up to’ & ‘how are you’ are very basic and done by children all the time.

I already said he’s into watching films and shopping! There’s only so many times you can go shopping and only so many films out you can see at the cinema.