Do you buy the same amount for a step child that you hardly see?

[YellowstoneNa]

I have one step son and 2 kids with my husband.

In the last 6 months we have hardly seen my husbands son (16, going on 17).

He used to come EOW and extra in the holidays but he expressed he wanted to stay at home more and come over when he wants.... Ok, not a problem.

We have been up to see him a few times but as he lives an hour away, Everytime we go to see him there is nothing to do except go for some food. He doesn’t play sports that we can watch. He doesn’t want to come to ours.

We seen him just before Xmas and gave him his Xmas presents. He didn’t even say thank you, he never texts, never asks how anyone is here, never made any conversation during the meal. It was painful to sit through. We are starting to begrudge going all the way up there when he can’t even say ‘How are you?’ Or Thanks or make conversation.

The fact he never said Thank you for his gifts has really pissed us off. It’s so bloody rude. A text to his dad on Xmas day would have been enough:

We have spoken today and it’s come up in conversation that we may cut his Xmas budget next year as he shows no appreciation anyway.

What do others typically do when their step kids (or kids) don’t bother with them.

Your children have had all the privileges of having two committed parents who they live with and always have.

This lad has never had a resident father. Not even as a baby. He lives a distance away and just gets duty visits from someone that he had been told is his father. And you expect him to be as relaxed and secure and chatty with your DH and you, as your own children? You're being entirely unrealistic.

Yes it's annoying to have your gifts unappreciated. And it's awkward having conversations with someone monosyllabic. But for goodness sake, stoo comparing him to your own children, and have a bit of empathy.

How do you know who chose to live where?

Sounds like he needs to spend more time one on one with his df instead of having his SM tagging on during every visit. Can’t you step back and let them meet up alone? It’s not like he needs mothering during contact - he’s nearly an adult who probably just wants to spend time with dad, without having to also spend time with someone he’s only connected to via his dads marriage. Whether to continue buying Xmas presents for him, leave that to his df. If you don’t want to contribute to the presents, then don’t.

Sounds like my 17 year old nephew. He still gets the same amount for birthdays and Christmas as his far more personable sister. Lots of teens are moody bastards who don’t want to hang out with their parents. He’ll come out the other side.

So get your husband to step up and parent his son the way you (both) must do to have achieved your perfectly mannered children and pull him up on the lack of thank you. If your step son is behaving rudely he needs better parental guidance on manners.

Don't be ridiculous and dramatic. My DS doesn't have a father who bothers coming to see him, but surprisingly he has somehow been brought up to thank people for gifts. He is even able to make small talk, and even more than that, can engage in entire conversations and ask questions and show interest in others. Unbelievable really, considering he's come from a 'broken home' and there are seemingly zero expectations of children from such situations ever learning such basic skills

He sees his dad without me and he’s exactly the same with his dad.

Money comes out of a joint pot as it all goes in one pot so what my DH spends is also up to me. His dad is also massively annoyed at the lack of manners.

You also have to accept that teenagers are not all the same. My late DH and I brought up both of DDs on the same way. One is naturally chatty and socially relaxed. The other finds social interaction really difficult, and though she would never intend to be rude, and would always say thank you, she would have found it agonising at 16, to ask someone how they were, or what they'd been doing. Simply because she'd be worrying about their answer and where she'd go from there.

She's better at it now, as an adult, because she's trained herself a bit more. But relaxed conversation is rare, and I'm her mother! Had she had the life that your step son has had, I imagine that she'd be exactly the same as him. While the other DD would have your approval.

And what did your DH say? Your DH his parent and the person supposed to teach him and enforce manners. If this had been my parents, they wouldn’t have let me leave without saying thanks, and certainly wouldn’t have when I was a CHILD.

Your DH was responsible for bringing him up - I’d be laying the blame with him not DSS.

Your description of your relationship with your step son is very transactional. It's surprising and disappointing given how long you have known him.

This,taken together with the comparisons with your own children, makes you sound as though you lack EQ if i'm honest 🤷🏻‍♀️

Is his father's relationship with him also transactional?

I'm not being dramatic. It's a fact. OP is comparing someone who's never had a normal parental relationship with his father, with her own children who've lived with him and been brought up by him their whole lives.

How this lad is with other people, we don't know. But how he is with his dad is going to be a reflection of the amount of time and the nature of their contact.

It’s incredibly naive to think he’s not affected by not living with his dad just because it happened before he was born. I’d say it’s very relevant.
Life is messy and things happen but that doesn’t mean things don’t have an impact. Don’t expect too much of him at this age, you’ll end up alienating him. Keep showing him kindness and you’ll definitely get it back when he’s older. It’s tough being a teen, especially one who has one of their parents living with their other family.

OP, you’ll get nowhere with this thread. MN largely thinks that having separated parents means you can act how you want, it’s not fair you’ve had to have a split up family, so acting rude and ungrateful is to be expected and the fault of your parents (mostly the dad, regardless of why you split) for daring to split and ruin your life. My DSC were the same. Look up disengaging, it’s life-changing.

Does this boy actually "know " his Dad or does he feel like his dad is a stranger to him?

How involved has he been with the family
how often did he visit

What's the age difference between the children.

So basically OP you need to step up and start treating him more like a family member but also step back and let his Dad spend more time with him. Spend money on a holiday, days out, hobbies, meals etc but definitely don't make this a transactional relationship. You must accept his indifference towards you all, put more effort in to build a bond while not expecting him to actually see or speak to you- anything less will be proof that you wish he didn't exist. Good luck 👍

OP you do realise some parents don't model good social behaviour. So you are expecting him to do things he's never seen and been told to do.

This is your DH fault as much as his mother's as they are both his parents.

He's now too old for your DH to take him in hand so you need to wait it out until his early 20s, his social circle widens and he hopefully matures.

In the meantime while you should spend the same amount of money on him for presents it doesn't mean you have to go for meals or spend time with him. Leave him to spend time with his dad. If he wants to see his siblings, your DC, then he's old enough to ask his dad if he can. If he wants to see you then he can ask his dad.

If he hits his mid-20s and is still rude then with your DH, his dad, or your own DC can say something about his behaviour. You need to avoid conflict with your DH and your own DC so leave it to them to deal with. Remember you can't fix every heartbreak for your DC.

This pretty much sums it up! I feel so sorry for stepmums

Just laughed at this 😂 so so true!

No it’s not - it’s a twisting of everything that’s been said to suit your narrative OP

I think it's a shame you're not interested in hearing people's concerns about your posts, OP. I have a male friend who split up from his elder daughter's mother when she was very young. He never had a good word to say about her as a teenager when it was as clear as day to all his friends that she was the product of her upbringing. It actually took his younger children (he married and had two more) to show him how to relate to her, and explain why he was being unfair. Your posts are sad to read.

I wonder if the non-communication and non-thanks might be a way for this kid to make a point to his dad. “Behavior is communication” is a pretty wise observation that I have seen on other threads. Withholding conversation and thanks might be one of the few things the boy feels is within his power. After all, his dad hasn’t given him much in the way of day to day attention and stability, it seems. Is it petty to withhold? Yes, it is, for an adult…but children are often in situations where they don’t have power and don’t feel listened to through traditional channels. And, if they are in a situation where they sense obligation, manipulation, or other expectations that they feel are unfair, they may withhold as a way to maintain some control over their circumstances.

My father’s family were masters at manipulative gift-giving. Presents from my father were given to me in front of an audience, and I was expected to ooh and aah and lavish gratitude for the gift upon him to the point where it made me feel very uncomfortable, as if his self-esteem relied upon me showing sufficient admiration. Just thinking about it forty years later makes me cringe. I hated the whole scene. OP, ask yourself very honestly if the son is being put into some kind of public setting where a particular sort of gratitude might be expected, and uncomfortable.

Also. There are similar reasons why he may not “ask about you”. Perhaps the information he gets as an answer makes him feel marginalized and left out. Do you start talking about how you and his dad took the other kids to someplace fun, or how (other child) is so polite and smart and how you loved his school play and etc. etc.? I have learned not to ask my mother, when I call her, about my sister. Because she will go on and on about all my sister’s problems, details of my sister’s domestic life that she couldn’t care less about for me, and how she (my mom) is helping her out so much…etc etc. The one way conversation just reinforces how my mother thinks about and cares for my sister in a way she doesn’t for me. I avoid asking now because the responses make me sad. So OP, think carefully about how you answer those “how are you doing?” questions you want so badly from your stepson.

How many times have you and your dh/your dh seen him in the last 6 mths?

I think it says alot about your DH relationship with him that what's annoying him isn't his clear lack of emotional connection with him, but that he is experiencing a transactional relationship with him. Which he is to an extent.

But that's what's available to him at the moment and if he pulls back because he doesn't want to spend time, energy and money on him he will lose the little relationship he does have with him.

It's clear you aren't a particularly well blended family with the lack of relationship between siblings and your view on the value of the relationship to your kids.

It might piss SPs off when it's said but it's true there is zero comparison between kids that stay in the home with two full time parents and children who don't.

They are living different life's with completely different parental relationship experiences and that becomes glaringly obvious in the teen years.

No he shouldn't reduce the budget, he needs to countinue meeting him on keep the very fragile relationship he has with him.

Fuck me step kids just get free rein to be horrid shits because their parents have split.

ops kids are only great because their parents live together 😂😂

i was a child of split parents and I was a typical teenager at times but I always had manners and said please and thank you because a) I was brought up properly b) I wouldn’t be allowed to be so fucking rude and c) no allowances were made for me because life happened and my parents split up!!

@YellowstoneNa you and hubby are in agreement his behaviour is shite and to reduce budget. I maybe wouldn’t have communicated that to ss and just done it. The conversationist that he is would be unlikely to question it. If he did id explain that the budget didn’t allow. I’d communicate to him that his lack of appreciation and respect was noted and you’re both very hurt and upset by it. He is a young man at the end of the day, he needs to understand his words and actions have effect on people. Use it as a teaching moment.

i would also personally pull back from SS because i agree, don’t make effort with those who don’t make effort with you. His dad is the only one with an obligation to maintain that relationship

What common ground has your husband got with his eldest child? What have the always done together to form a bond? You say all there is to do is go for a meal or shop?

They don't have any hobby they have always done together? Favourite tv show etc? How do they connect, and what is dad doing to make sure that connection continues.

DH and I both have our own things we do with each child that's just ours, it's evolved as they have got older. I find it really sad that a dad can't think of anything he and his son can do just the two of them to connect.