Do you buy the same amount for a step child that you hardly see?

[YellowstoneNa]

I have one step son and 2 kids with my husband.

In the last 6 months we have hardly seen my husbands son (16, going on 17).

He used to come EOW and extra in the holidays but he expressed he wanted to stay at home more and come over when he wants.... Ok, not a problem.

We have been up to see him a few times but as he lives an hour away, Everytime we go to see him there is nothing to do except go for some food. He doesn’t play sports that we can watch. He doesn’t want to come to ours.

We seen him just before Xmas and gave him his Xmas presents. He didn’t even say thank you, he never texts, never asks how anyone is here, never made any conversation during the meal. It was painful to sit through. We are starting to begrudge going all the way up there when he can’t even say ‘How are you?’ Or Thanks or make conversation.

The fact he never said Thank you for his gifts has really pissed us off. It’s so bloody rude. A text to his dad on Xmas day would have been enough:

We have spoken today and it’s come up in conversation that we may cut his Xmas budget next year as he shows no appreciation anyway.

What do others typically do when their step kids (or kids) don’t bother with them.

There’s a lot of ‘we’ here. Has his father tried going on his own to see him?

He's 16, give him a break. It's hard being 16, don't expect adult thinking and behaviour from him. Keep on modelling the sort of behaviours you expect from him.

Sounds pretty typical of the 16 YOs I know. I always have to remind mine to send a thank you card or text. They can appear rude and ungrateful.

I agree with the previous post, his dad needs to spend some 1:1 time with him

Sounds like there's more going on with him. How long has he lived an hour away?

Poor boy

He's 16. Not all 16yo are known for being considerate of others.

What you do and what his dad does can be separate things, but his dad should keep up the contact, no matter how much he resents it, and shouldn't drop the budget. 16 is still very young.

I have a 17 year old whose conversation is less than sparkling and who has to be reminded to say thank you. I also have 2 twenty-somethings who have come through the teenage years and become lovely adults. Your SS is far from unusual.

Should you and your DH treat one of DH’s children differently? Nope. What’s your DH doing on his own with his son?

i have stepchildren and yes they could be like this time and again but I never punished them just for being typical teenagers . Now in their twenties they are so much better. Your DSS is 16 and is showing absolutely awful behaviour BUT it’s totally normal for his age. Thankyou doesn’t occur to teenagers’ developing brains. Don’t punish him, have patience and in a few years he’ll come back again. Your younger two would, and will , be exactly the same I promise you. Except you’ll be blind to it because they are yours. I made the mistake of thinking my own son would be oh so much nicer and better behaved but I was totally wrong! I promise you, you will only see them because they actually live with you anyway and have to come down for meals etc, never mind if they had to travel an hour to do it….,and it’s not your stepsons fault he lives an hour away. Keep taking deep breaths and cut some slack. Keep reaching out and reminding him he is loved, not a spare part. He may not see you much now but that’s normal teenage behaviour. 16 seems adult when you have younger kids but he is not, he is still a child inside. Don’t cut the budget, be the bigger person and you’ll look back in years to come when you still have a good relationship and you’ll be glad you didn’t store up bad experiences for him. Trust me, don’t do this.

Yes of course, more of the same.

Maybe I don’t see their attitude as typical teen attitude.

Our eldest is a teen and nothing like him. He always says thank you, asks how you are, how was work mum etc

Years ago at primary school, his teacher even commented on how they would ask the teacher how their weekend was etc.

His whole life.

My husband and his mother never lived together and split before he was born.

and yes before I was around.

Just give him cash OP, or rather take a step back and let your DH give him cash.

You're expecting adult level social graces from a child

Teens aren’t a homogeneous mass though. Some are very chatty, whilst others are quieter. If your other child is a teen then that suggests there wasn’t much of a gap between him and his sibling - and possibly quite a lot of upheaval for him at a young age?

What does your DH do with him when he sees him?

His father should have never let his relationship get to this.

Fairly typical for a teen. Remember he's also managing his parents not being together and given your not in his life much you don't know what else is happening for him. It's not fair to compare him to your teen as their situations are not the same.

Dad should visit a couple times a month and you go every month or so. Of course dad should treat his son the same as his other kids

But this is what we get from a child that lives at home that’s younger than him….

So it’s very difficult to accept such rudeness from him.

No upheaval. We lead a pretty average boring life.

His parents have never lived together and split before he was born.

We met about a year later. He’s now 16 so non of this even happened at a time he could remember so not really relevant.

That's really lovely ... but unusual I think!

I agree a lot of teens are monosyllabic and still have to be reminded to say thank you. Maybe get your DH to sort the presents - he might prefer cash at that age. As others have said, if you keep the relationship going and model the behaviour you'd like to see, he'll come back around as he gets to be a young adult. Though he may never be as sociable as your DS, just different personalities perhaps.

And my question about what his dad does with him?

It is going to be more difficult for a boy who rarely sees his dad. I have a much stronger connection with my dc than they do with their dad just because I see them every day.

Well comparing your teen stepson to your teen isn’t really fair. Everyone has their own personality. Thinking about my nephews one is a ray of sunshine, always giving hugs, ultra polite, the other barely grunts if you ask him a question. It’s not a moral failing on his part, but it sounds like you just don’t like him very much.

He is at an age where his friends are probably more important to him than family. An hour is a long way to go when he would probably rather be out with friends. When you go see him could you go to the cinema - not much talking required, or try an activity like bowling or an escape room which might lead to more conversation than just eating a meal.

Realistically how do you stop it?

Cant force him over, cant force him to text or answer a phone.
When you do see him it’s ’yeh, no’ answers to every single question you ask and I honestly mean every single question.

You ask if anything is wrong and he says no.

Yes we keep sending texts, yes we ask him to come over, yes we ask questions but it’s like talking to a brick wall and has been for a couple of years.

Hes coming on to 17 now and it’s just rude. It takes 5 seconds to send a text to his dad and say thanks for the presents. Our kids do it without any prompting from us!

and yes we have spoken to him and his mum about this and it doesn’t go anywhere.

Communication with his mother is very poor.

I think you need to focus less on his Xmas budget and more on how his dad can build a relationship with him. How often is he invited to see you? Do you take him on holidays? Does he speak to his siblings?

Sure, you can go down that route, but only if you don't care about your DH's future relationship with his son (and the impact that will inevitably have on DSS). You have to put a lot into relationships with teens - they can be moody, sulky and not give much back. That's great your son is not like that but that's not the norm. It is up to DH to look after the relationship, go up and spend time with him, keep the contact via messaging etc.