Do you buy the same amount for a step child that you hardly see?

[YellowstoneNa]

I have one step son and 2 kids with my husband.

In the last 6 months we have hardly seen my husbands son (16, going on 17).

He used to come EOW and extra in the holidays but he expressed he wanted to stay at home more and come over when he wants.... Ok, not a problem.

We have been up to see him a few times but as he lives an hour away, Everytime we go to see him there is nothing to do except go for some food. He doesn’t play sports that we can watch. He doesn’t want to come to ours.

We seen him just before Xmas and gave him his Xmas presents. He didn’t even say thank you, he never texts, never asks how anyone is here, never made any conversation during the meal. It was painful to sit through. We are starting to begrudge going all the way up there when he can’t even say ‘How are you?’ Or Thanks or make conversation.

The fact he never said Thank you for his gifts has really pissed us off. It’s so bloody rude. A text to his dad on Xmas day would have been enough:

We have spoken today and it’s come up in conversation that we may cut his Xmas budget next year as he shows no appreciation anyway.

What do others typically do when their step kids (or kids) don’t bother with them.

OP - there’s no way that your feelings towards your stepchild are not 100 percent apparent to him.

I think your stepson needs a lot more 1-2-1 time with his Dad - maybe a holiday for just the two of them next year as well.

And maybe you should be encouraging your children to text and communicate with their half brother - I’ve always tried to facilitate good sibling relationships in our blended family because one day they will only have each other.

Maybe he is but we have asked him more then once if he’s ok, does he want to talk etc and he always says he’s ok.

Do you see him every single time his father does, OP? Maybe that's not helping.

I don’t want to encourage communication when they get nothing back. Iv seen their conversations before on my eldest phone and SS hardly chats back.

I won’t encourage my kids to make effort with people where it’s not wanted. If SS ever texts then I always ask if they have replied etc.

Thank you!

I completely agree with everything you have said, specially the first paragraph. It’s like changing tactics to make us out to be as shit as possible any way they can find.

If my child didn’t say thank you for a gift they would be in trouble!! It’s down right rude.

I don’t expect my child to say thank you for preparing a meal!! Why would you?
Thats what I’d expect from a guest. Which they’re not supposed to be.

If he is angry, at the unfairness of life and his situation compared to his siblings’, and if he feels excluded by you - which he may do purely by seeing you mother his siblings, with any annoyance you feel towards him compounding that - he might find it very hard to verbalise his feelings to answer direct questions.

If he were my stepson I’d make an effort to tell him I’m pleased to see him and to express pleasure at anything in him I could. I’d let go of all expectations. I’d encourage my husband to keep going over and taking him out to eat. If there is only eating then eat! At least he needs to do that every day. Husband can get a discount card for chain restaurants, look for studenty noodle bars, find ways to economise. But he needs to really lean in for the next few years.

No one will tell you what’s going on agd make themselves vulnerable if they dint feel safe.
Bring their dad (let alone their step mum) isn’t enough for them to open up.

And I’m not saying that because step child blablabla.
Thats my expectation with MY child!

Well you’ve clearly been very good about modeling and teaching politeness to your two children.

Don’t forget to model some compassion, caring and nurturing too in the way you talk about and treat your stepson.

I don’t expect my child to thank me for a meal either. I expect some a ‘how are you’ during the meal and some conversation during said meal and a thank you for the presents. Which is what I have said.

I won’t encourage my kids to make effort with people where it’s not wanted.

He isn't 'people'; he's their older brother.

He’s still a person and I won’t have my kids making all the effort with him if he can’t give anything back…. Like I said not even a how are you.

What's the age gap with your kids? Can/does he have a decent relationship with them? You mentioned you used to take all the kids to usual kid places - bowling, cinema, trampoline places etc. Can he do the big brother thing of taking his younger siblings to those sorts of places or just hang out with them?

What sort of tv programmes/films did he used to be into? What was the common thread? Can you (or really your DH as theirs is the priority relationship) do some research and suggest other programmes they might both watch (remotely and text each other about it)? Or were any of them set in a particular place they could go and visit?

You say he likes shopping - what is it about shopping he likes? What does he like to buy (or be bought)?

Does he have GCSE's this year? Or is he at college? What is he studying? Is there anything linked to that you can use as an anchor for conversation or activities?

Does he have a girl/boyfriend? Rather than the open invitation to come over whenever/bring a friend over how about an invitation to a specific thing (eg a sibling's birthday meal or a theme park daytrip or a city trip).

Do you mean you and your dh? You probably don't buy gifts separately to your dss do you? If its a family gift to your dss, then yes he would be bought the same as any other children.

So your husband never thought to move closer and do better than EOW in 16 years? I can't imagine why he doesn't want to see you.

You can't compare your own teenagers who have always lived with you both and been brought up by you both, with a lad who has never known his dad in the same way. They haven't been privy to each others day to day lives, so they're simply not going to have the same kind of conversation bank, and your husband (never mind you and your children) simply won't have the same importance in this young man's life

You're expecting him to have the same social skills and conversation as your own children, while he's been brought up by an entirely different person. You're just not being fair.

I’ll be honest you sound hugely resentful and overbearing that he isn’t like your own sons.

Of course he has interests, they’re just not aligned with yours.

I would have DESPISED the idea of “how are you”style small talk with my dad as a teen. It’s just so…. impersonal? What you say to fill gaps with people you don’t know or really care about. Relaxed family members don’t need to do this. LOL You seem to place a lot of importance on the appearance of niceties but none on actually KNOWING him.

You won't have it? You seem very controlling, OP. Maybe it would be better if you stepped back and your DH stepped forward in improving his relationship with his eldest child.

No we don’t. It’s an agreed budget from one pot.

Yes I won’t have it in the sense as I won’t encourage it.

I won’t encourage them to put in more effort than others are willing to give.

How often does your husband see his son without you being there, OP?

There was obviously a lot more conversation points we asked about rather than just how are you but I’m only talking about him asking back the basics here.

It’s not exactly unusual for teenage siblings not to ask how each other are - my sister and I barely said 2 words to each other at that age but we’re close as adults. You seem to be expecting an awful lot from a teenage boy who’s obviously very different from your teen (boy/girl?) and who -from what you’ve said - is lacking in comparison. I imagine he picks up on that and it must be hard for him not to feel like an unwelcome interloper in a family of 4.

I’m expecting him to be polite and ask basic questions like you would with anyone when you see them, let alone your family.

Maybe wait until yours turns 16 before you compare.