Do you buy the same amount for a step child that you hardly see?

[YellowstoneNa]

I have one step son and 2 kids with my husband.

In the last 6 months we have hardly seen my husbands son (16, going on 17).

He used to come EOW and extra in the holidays but he expressed he wanted to stay at home more and come over when he wants.... Ok, not a problem.

We have been up to see him a few times but as he lives an hour away, Everytime we go to see him there is nothing to do except go for some food. He doesn’t play sports that we can watch. He doesn’t want to come to ours.

We seen him just before Xmas and gave him his Xmas presents. He didn’t even say thank you, he never texts, never asks how anyone is here, never made any conversation during the meal. It was painful to sit through. We are starting to begrudge going all the way up there when he can’t even say ‘How are you?’ Or Thanks or make conversation.

The fact he never said Thank you for his gifts has really pissed us off. It’s so bloody rude. A text to his dad on Xmas day would have been enough:

We have spoken today and it’s come up in conversation that we may cut his Xmas budget next year as he shows no appreciation anyway.

What do others typically do when their step kids (or kids) don’t bother with them.

been for food, cinema, Costa but apart from that what else can you suggest he does?

It all costs money and we are not rolling in it. He doesn’t have any hobbies that his dad or we can go and watch.

and SS wouldn’t go for a walk if it saved his life.

Honestly you sound really sour. I don't think you have said one nice thing about DSS - poor kid.

Open invitation, he’s been told to just text whenever he wants to come over and we can arrange it.

He went on two holidays with us in 2023, none this year.

No, he doesn’t and our kids never message him either. I don’t want to actively make our kids message him when he’s not bothered about them.

Your son's behaviour isn't the norm.

I have a nephew like this. It's because he listened from childhood and learnt that social niceties get you a long way.

My other nephews including his brother have never done this. It isn't expected of them by society unlike girls and women who eventually learn to do this.

Well no, I’m pretty pissed off we spent a few hundred quid on him, took him for a meal and he can’t text to say thanks or ask a single question about how any of us our.

What does he like to do? Sports? There’s lots of different kinds. Looking at cars? Go round the fancy car showrooms. Gaming? Paintball? Go karting? Bouldering? Museums? Shopping? I mean, there are literally hundreds of things he could do. Or just FaceTime him.

Getting conversation out of our youngest is like getting blood out of a stone, whereas our eldest wouldn’t shut up (and still doesn’t at 27). You have to persevere as a parent and put in the work.

He's father should have maintained a better relationship, frequently making contact, not just waiting on a teenager to make contact. Insisting on seeing the son, when he wanted to reduce contact, he should've come to a compromise instead of allowing it to come to this.

Poor kid. DH needs to put in more effort.

I get that but he's a member of your family, not a work colleague or a friend who you can drop because you don't like their behaviour. He's your DH's son! If every parent dropped their child when they became a smelly grumpy teenager, there wouldn't be many functioning families out there.

He must do something OP - gaming, listening to music - there has to be something. What did his dad used to do with him when he was younger?

You do have to meet kids where they are. One of mine can absolutely hold a conversation with adults in the family/family friends. The other is monosyllabic. Unless you catch him on something he is interested in - and sometimes it isn't always the things we'd expect - and then he will happily contribute.

An hour isn't that far to travel to spend time with a teenage son a couple of times a month, but I'm not surprised he finds hanging out in Costa boring. What does he do with his mum? What do his friends do with their parents? Is he different if you invite him plus a mate out for the day?

He'd your dh's son so no don't cut his budget. Give him the same your DC get. Just keep inviting him on holiday and inviting him over and DH go to visit him and take him to the cinema, bowling or ice skating. There's lots to do if your DH can look about and see things. Take him for a pizza.

I give the same amount to my foster son as my own DC. I don't have step DC but if I did they'd get the same amount too.

All this just sounds like you'd rather he didn't exist, which he must pick up on. You're expecting too much and your DH needs to make more of an effort.

Don’t damage the relationship further by shrinking the Christmas budget arbitrarily. His Dad caused this and his Dad needs to focus on rebuilding the relationship.

It was entirely predictable as it happens with almost every teen who lives away from their parent. The visitation schedule simply isn’t sustainable once a child has their own life and commitments. It isn’t the child’s fault for being a normal busy teenager. The parent made a choice not to live close enough that mom’s house vs dad’s house didn’t matter. This is the inevitable consequence, the child has to pull away much younger than one who has the benefit of living with or close to their parent’s.

He’s not really into anything! He likes to shop…. Which is all well and good but we can’t take him out to shop all the time.

He used to be into watching films and tv series so the last time we seen him we asked what he was watching … his reply ‘no, nothing really’… asked if he could recommend anything for us to watch that he’s seen that’s good… ‘no’.

When he was younger he used to come over and we would do all the normal kid things with all the kids, bowling, cinema, trampoline places, parks, go out for meals, visit family, movie nights etc

From What he’s said he doesn’t do much with his mum or at least he never told us what he did do.

We have said before he can bring a mate around and he just said ‘no, it’s ok’.

Iv met hundreds of teens so I know they can be sulky but he borders on rude, we have had to apologise so many times for the way he comes across to people.

I don’t think expecting a bit of conversation and a thank you as asking too much I suppose.

He’s going to be an adult in a couple of years. I wouldn’t cut the budget now. Unconditional love and all that.

You are comparing him unfairly to your own children. Your two have a stable one home household. They don’t have to live between two families with different rules and expectations - that can be stressful and exhausting for some kids.

He’s also a teen and they are all different.

Stop worrying so much about how other people perceive him and focus on making him feel loved, wanted and cared for.

Don’t make him feel (even more) less a part of the family than his half siblings by giving unequal gifts.

I think cutting a budget for a step child you didn’t see anymore would be absolutely fine.

However, that’s not what your husband would be doing. He’d be cutting the budget for his child and that’s a very very different thing.

Honestly this makes you sound vile. This situation is the result of a lifetime (his lifetime) of a way of treating him and how you clearly view him. I suspect the poor boy needs more love and input not less.

Why is he a poor boy?

He's a teenage boy FFS. Cutting his budget would be counterproductive

I hear you OP. Had similar when DSS was around this age and even during uni. Keep the budget the same. Carry on doing what you are already doing. We paid his rent at uni as we don't subscribe to the maintenance stops at 18 so did our obligation to help his mum support him financially.

Ours (his DS/my DSS has come out the other side of uni as a lovely young man who is much more thoughtful, grateful and has told us how our support meant so much he just didn't realise at the time. Perhaps growing up and seeing other people's different situations at uni made him realise. We have a great relationship with him now and his long term GF.

When teens pull away then parents need to make more effort and be more consistent and less reactionary.

Not cut budgets in a strop.

And if your husband allows you to repeatedly compare his child to your child - a totally different child, growing up in a totally different home - and cut them out then he shouldn’t expect them to bounce back (which is what teens normally do)

It’s hard not to compare children, any children when one is rude and the other is polite. They have both been brought up to say ‘Thank you’.