How much to expect older ds to interact with dp's younger child

[yetanotherusername44]

Ds is 20, dp's little one ten years younger. Not had much interaction long story but is it reasonable to expect ds to make an effort to spend time with dp's ds with us despite the age gap. Ds is behaving moodily about dp's son on occasion. He tries to make an effort but isn't very good with young kids. What is a reasonable expectation. I think being polite and frirendly for sure but the moodiness happened as I asked him to sit with us doing something suited to the little one's age. Was that fair and is ds being unreasonable or me?

Polite and friendly fine. But expecting young adult to sit and humour a child and do things a 10 Year old would enjoy? At 20 they have their own life. Let them live it.

I asked him to sit with us doing something suited to the little one's age.

Why, when you know he won't want to?

He didn't choose this so forcing of any kind is likely to be counterproductive.

This is so helpful. Dp was very unimpressed as has done a lot for ds and figured this was not much to ask but I don't think ds makes the link.

To be fair it was an activity that was ok for an adult really too.

OK for an adult but not what he would choose.

Dp was very unimpressed

He needs to rethink his attitude. Give space for a nice relationship, give time. But don't expect it, they aren't siblings. And don't force it then resent when it doesn't happen. Very foolish way to try to progress.

You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

I don’t think you can insist that a 20 year old plays with their 10 year old sibling. Plenty of siblings, of any age, don’t get on at all. Same goes for a step sibling.

At 20 he is an adult so it seems odd to be expecting him to be playing families with the 10 year old.

If you all live together he should be polite and friendly to the child but is allowed to do his own thing.

i dont expect my 15 year old to spend time with my 6 year old if he doesn’t want to.

Is it something like a family board game? I think older child could join in. But key thing is setting expectations beforehand. Tell older one that he needs to spend 1hr with the whole family and then gets to chill etc.

He's 20! He needs to li**ve his life, he has zero obligation to be with the 10 year old. It would be nice if it happened but I wouldn't expect it to and certainly wouldn't ask for it or push for it.

I think dp's older son would play this game or similar if asked but that's his sibling and my ds is new in all this as has been at uni.

I don’t think you can push it too much tbh. It might come on its own, it might not. Given he is 20, does it matter?

My dsc are 19 and 21, they are amazing with dd 11 but she is their sister so I think that has a huge impact. They are insanely close, dss 21 has always been more interactive with dd than dsd has been.

Your ds is an adult, as long as he isn't mean to dps child then I don't think you cam expect more. They aren't siblings, they haven't grown up together. Your dp is unreasonable to link doing stuff for your ds to ds needing to interact with a 10 year old.

I hope dearly that this is a made up post.
Otherwise, OP do you not see how selfish you are being??
Probably not as 'it's all about you'
How sad

Oh no, I don't think this is something you can or should push at all.

I would plan some activities that may reasonably appeal to both and see if they both get involved but no, I don't think there should be any expectation that a 20-year-old has an obligation to directly engage (outside of general pleasantries and mutually respectful behaviour) with a non-blood-related child half his age.

If the children shared the same parents that age gap means they would mostly ignore each other.

Politeness only.

This child is nothing to him and completely unreasonable for you or your boyfriend to expect anything other than politeness from him.

Be careful OP you don't hugely alienate your child by foisting your relationship upon him.

10 years is a massive age gap IMO.
You should be carving out 1 on 1 time with your son and any shared contact should be up to him to agree to.

I think he's 20. So if he expects to be treated well and for his step father to go above and beyond it should work both ways. He should make an effort occasionally with his sibling.

Sounds like this partner has moved in whilst your son has been at uni and he barely knows the 10 year old. YABU to expect you son to play happy families.

I can’t imagine many 20 yos want to come home from uni for Christmas and spend it playing board games or similar with a 10 yo , especially one that he’s not particularly close to .

There is absolutely tons of one on one time. I'm really sensitive to that.

It's not his sibling though. The question is should he make an effort with dp's son to be kind to both of them.

We are talking an hour or two twice all uni holiday by the way for those imagining we're shoving them together all the time.

Yes he should. He’s 20 and old enough to act politely. He might even have fun!

If your dp’s help with ds is conditional on him playing with his son then do needs to spell that out. Ds isn’t unreasonable to assume it’s unconditional
help.

Ds must be friendly to do’s son but even if the boys were full siblings, it’s unlikely that they’d do much together.

He's a 20 year old man.