How much to expect older ds to interact with dp's younger child

[yetanotherusername44]

Ds is 20, dp's little one ten years younger. Not had much interaction long story but is it reasonable to expect ds to make an effort to spend time with dp's ds with us despite the age gap. Ds is behaving moodily about dp's son on occasion. He tries to make an effort but isn't very good with young kids. What is a reasonable expectation. I think being polite and frirendly for sure but the moodiness happened as I asked him to sit with us doing something suited to the little one's age. Was that fair and is ds being unreasonable or me?

So they're not siblings. It's the son of his mum's new partner, who has recently moved into his home, and who he barely knows. I'd be gobsmacked if a 20 year old wanted to play with an unrelated 10 year old in those circumstances.

The man has lived with you for a year! The way you posted it sounded like this was your DS’ stepfather! As long as he’s polite I wouldn’t expect your 20 year old son to spend any time with his mum’s boyfriend’s child.

Bit extreme in response to being asked nicely (not forced ffs) to play a game once for 30minutes!

"Asked nicely (not forced FFS)" allows the perfectly legitimate response of "No thank you." If you expected another response - as you seem to be saying - then you didn't, in fact, "ask nicely."

I'm with you OP and I'm English. I don't have a blended family but I do have older teens and if we have friends with young children round, I do expect them to be friendly and play with them for a bit. I would give some warning and I wouldn't expect it at 9am but a card game in the pm or playing video games/ table football even if kids are half their age is a reasonable expectation. You can't say it's OK to be selfish because you're 20! It's great learning on how to give to others and deny yourself a bit, something it seems many men find rather difficult.

I bet half the people on here saying your son shouldn't have to do this are the same people bemoaning DPs who do nothing round the house/ don't participate much in family life or the kids etc.

He doesn’t live at home. He’s at university.

Your son went to university. The idea of this is that they come home during breaks.
You then moved your boyfriend in and his son.
Can you imagine if he wrote a post? What he would say? Poor thing I bet he can't wait to leave

Yes, great learning.
But how would your children take it if they go to university and a new family move in??
It's VERY different to a game of monopoly with the neighbours children for example.
I think you miss the point slightly..

A. He is in his third year so it's not that he's just left and come home to whole new family living in his space. B. The DP has been there for a year not all of a sudden and they've been together for longer than that so not out of the blue or rushed. C. I'm not sure the child is there full time ie. 'moved in' but probably spends some time there if his Dad lives there.

I don't think the OP or her DP are asking for much. She said it was one game not full time childcare. Plus she implied the DP has done a lot for her son, not sure what, if she could elaborate it may help. Her son is an adult, he doesn't get to just take.

What was the game? I think that can make a difference. A bigger family game of Monopoly for example might be more appealing than something specific to a 10yr. Also was this thought out or was it an on the spot request because I think an on the spot would have been really awkward.
Mostly though, at 20yrs myself I’m not sure I had many 10yr olds in my life and was probably more entrenched in my own life.

Dp's dc (two sons, one older) do not live here or stay. Please stop making hyperbolic assumptions. Ds knows dp well.

Ridiculous post that bears no relationship to the truth and is full of assumptions.

id hate to have you as a parent that’s for sure let the man live!

To give a half an hour or so is not much I think. I remember at 21 my dad's work friend called with e young U10s and I took them out in the garden to play for a half hour or do to allow our parents talk. No big deal. Similarly I remember playing Downfall with distant cousins around the same age when they visited. I'd never met either before. It's just being decent and a bit social. I'm sure I went out with my friends after both, no big obligation.

You are infantilising your DS. He’s 20. He’s not a child, he’s not living at home he’s away at uni and he’s come home for the holidays.

He now lives independently, and he’s past the age where he can be expected to do things

Yes it would be nice to all spend time together doing something, but it can’t be an expectation, because he has no obligation, and at 20 you’re lucky if he wants to spend time with you, let alone with someone else’s 10 year old.

As long as he is civil and not unfriendly, I don't think you can expect any more. Leave it alone, he may come to like his little brother and even be protective towards him in time but that isn't something that can be coerced, it has to come about naturally.

Some people have very low expectations of their young adult children

I have four aged 16+ and if they want to continue receiving benefits of being part of the family including financial support at university, meals cooked, lifts given and washing done (all generously and graciously) then they know they're expected to participate in family life in return when they come home. The very least I would expect is 30 minutes joining games with any visiting 10 year old if they were not busy elsewhere.
It is a good low key way for everyone to spend time together without forcing anything.
And it seems your DS is gaining from your DP support so I understand where he is coming from.

But do keep up the usual activities you do with your DS - cinema, pub, Nando's etc , the family game time is not a replacement for that. Your relationship with your son is very important as well.

Not his little brother and I would never expect him to see him as such.

That's just ridiculous. On what grounds?
Because I made a request for him to play a game for 30mins providing the context that it would make a child feel welcome in our home?

People need to read threads properly and think before posting.

I didn't just drag a strange man and his kids in off the street. There is a simple question and plenty of people on here think it is reasonable and plenty do not but your post is just nasty.

So you consider making an adult interact with a child as appropriate? Hilarious. Seriously head wobble, you appear to not understand what manipulation, blackmail nor what being an adult is

@yetanotherusername44

yes all your going to do is make them resent future situations and visits to your house. I know I would. They won’t be interested until it’s their own child and so what.

it isn’t their blood sibling so leave them alone. I stand by what I said and if you’re so bothered you play the stupid game with the 10 year old and leave your 20 year old to be just that 20!

The reciprocity for DP being nice and doing/paying for things for your son is that you are nice and do/pay for things for his - not that your son does!
The two young men just need to rub along pleasantly when forced together by circumstances in a reasonably equivalent way (so no obligation to spend time together outside very occasional formal family occasions - xmas lunch, parent birthday dinner - if one deliberately winds the other up etc).

I didn't make him. I said something like "it'd be nice if we made x feel welcome by, would you join us" ds said yes but then sulked.

But why on earth would you ask a 20 year old adult to "play? He came home to see you not play with a ten year old.

At the end of the day he’s your son. I’d tell him not to sulk. I’m sure he has plenty of time to do other things he wants to do. Plus he’s 20, not 15!