How much to expect older ds to interact with dp's younger child

[yetanotherusername44]

Ds is 20, dp's little one ten years younger. Not had much interaction long story but is it reasonable to expect ds to make an effort to spend time with dp's ds with us despite the age gap. Ds is behaving moodily about dp's son on occasion. He tries to make an effort but isn't very good with young kids. What is a reasonable expectation. I think being polite and frirendly for sure but the moodiness happened as I asked him to sit with us doing something suited to the little one's age. Was that fair and is ds being unreasonable or me?

He just needs to be pleasant and nice but that’s it. Not his sibling, no relationship, might not be interested in children or have any experience with them.
I had siblings with similar age gaps and more and they hardly spoke to me at this age.

I would never encourage my 20 years old son to "play* with a unrelated ten year old! ..

It would be considered flipping weird to be honest. We teach our young sports trainers to not to put themselves in these situations for their own safeguarding.

I would be very clear to do that. I I wouldn't be encouraging it and to tell him to cop on.
Was the dp going around playing with ten year olds when he was 20? I don't think so!

I would imagine that your son will be spending most of his uni holidays at uni in future with his friends, especially if he's paying rent on a house, so it won't be an issue. The important thing is to make him feel that this is his decision rather than having been pushed out by your new family

Completely agree. They may organically build more of a relationship as time goes on and they both age. Or they may not. But your DS has no obligations towards your DP's child at all other than being generally polite/not horrible, as we should all behave towards anyone else.

No I don’t think that’s fair on your son. What 20 year old wants to hang around with a 10 year old they don’t even know?

If you are doing something as a family, you can say, Do you want to watch this film with us? Or whatever. But if they are anything like my dc same age, they will say no and stay in their room doing their own thing.

This is ridiculous. Some 10 year old kid he doesn’t know? He can say hello, be polite and that’s literally it.

How long has he known him? It's never going to be like a sibling relationship and I wouldn't expect a twenty year old to do activities with a ten year old even if they were related and had a established relationship

Your dp should treat your son well because he's a decent human and wants a relationship with your son

I'd expect politeness but be realistic about this 20 year old. A lot of people that age find their families really cringe and want to be with mates.

What has he done for your son? Was your son informed this was conditional and will be hold over his head in future?

If he expects to be treated well?? OP's son absolutely should be treated well and kindly by his mother's boyfriend. He doesn't then owe them playing happy families with a child he doesn't know, and had no choice over whether they share space.

I’ve got a 20 year old and they generally want to do their own thing and not join in with family stuff. That is normal.

You can’t tell a 20 year old what to do. He only needs to be polite but he has no relationship to this child. And saying your boyfriend treating your son well is dependent on this is terrible

It's not an unreasonable ask, but you might need to spell it out.. "10 year old had new Lego for xmas/new online game , he'd love it if you would help him build it/play it". "Let's all have a game of Pictionary/other board game, let's have you 2 youngsters against us oldies"
" I know it might not be your thing, but it would make 10YO/DP happy. Remember all the times DPhelped you out?"
If he really can't being himself to play an online game with a 10 YO, there's something the matter and he's making a point.
I speak as the parent of 3 adult DS and they would all be happy to entertain the boy playing online games.

I think dp's older son would play this game or similar if asked but that's his sibling and my ds is new in all this as has been at uni.

Is this a new relationship? Why would your DS want to play happy families with a child he barely knows?

I absolutely won’t expect them doing something together unless they share an interest e.g both watch certain sport.
If you do dinner out together I would expect DC sitting next to DP not to DS so a parent can entertain/ deal with things.
Panto: you all go including DS but again he is not dealing with any DC’s related issues.
Otherwise DS is friendly and polite, could play a board game with DC if he wants but only if he really wants. It’s a very tricky age gap and considering they are not siblings I won’t expect them doing something together. Some people are more natural with small children if your DS is not the one of this people just leave him be.

P.S it was my idea of hell at 20 - to deal with 10 y.o.

I had a younger step sibling and I just didn’t enjoy spending time with him. I’m sure he’s grown into a nice man but I found him a bit irritating and his naturally childish interests boring.

If I had a partner with a younger child than mine I might offer to take them to movies together or to play board games but I wouldn’t have any expectations with the older ones wanting to join in other than family mealtimes.

That would be a nope. Honestly linking a ten and twenty year old together as youngsters is beyond cringe. As a 20 years old woman that would have absolutely been my nightmare!

Just because my dad had linked in with someone with a kid I certainly had no interest in playing happy families 🤦‍♀️

I would advise real caution OP.
This is an age that your son could absolutely drift from you never to return to you.

He should be able to return to his family home for a few days and not find it taken over by your boyfriend and child.

Is this the case?
Is your boyfriend always there?
Has he conveniently moved himself and his child into your home?

So many men target solvent women with a home to house them and their children 🙄.

"No man as loving as one who needs a home".

Is this why your son is moody?
His home and safe place taken over by your boyfriend and his child?

How about you tell your boyfriend to sling his hook for a few days so your poor son can have some time at home in peace.

How very over the top. Completely uncalled for even if you think the OP’s expectations are out of whack.

I’m confused - DP is dad to the 20yo and the 10yo but they are not siblings?

20yo should not be expected to play with 10yo but should be polite.

I don't think you can reasonably expect him to do anything other than be present at family occasions when necessary, and to be polite and friendly towards him when you are all together. I have 8 years between my children and they very occasionally went to the cinema together and played computer games together (I let youngest play older games though). But they are siblings who grew up together so they have a closer relationship.

That is misquoting this. He went the extra mile with a huge amount of additional things. Of course he wasn't saying if I do x you must do y. But he was disappointed that after doing so much, ds could not manage a half hour of time with his ds without getting very moody. I am not defending it, just being accurate. I don't know what I think hence asking although genuinely my ds is never ever to be made unwelcome and I am definitely not abandoning him for dp or any other of the suggestions on here.

No, dp is dad to the 10 yr old.

So do you force your mates to "play" with the 10 year old if they come round?

I just don't understand you OP, it's all sorts of weird.

Why force your son to hang out with a 10 year old? Your son comes home from uni and is expected to "play" with a 10 year old for an hour or 2.

I find this completely batshit! And your DP a bit controlling!

Still confused by the timeline here. It sounds like you and your DP live together? How long for?