How much to expect older ds to interact with dp's younger child

[yetanotherusername44]

Ds is 20, dp's little one ten years younger. Not had much interaction long story but is it reasonable to expect ds to make an effort to spend time with dp's ds with us despite the age gap. Ds is behaving moodily about dp's son on occasion. He tries to make an effort but isn't very good with young kids. What is a reasonable expectation. I think being polite and frirendly for sure but the moodiness happened as I asked him to sit with us doing something suited to the little one's age. Was that fair and is ds being unreasonable or me?

It’s not your sons responsibility to entertain your partners child.

Of course he should be polite, but he doesn’t owe his mums boyfriends kid any of his time. He is a 20 year old man.

Do you ask other family members to sit and play with the child if they come over?

A year but a longer relationship. Nothing odd; I didn't meet a random guy and move him in. I'm not an idiot despite some of the replies here. Ds is a third year and has been away a lot. And yes I am fully aware of how this might feel for ds. Honestly people on here assume one question like this means an OP MUST be entirely idiotic and blind to any parenting best practice.

Also note a few posters have said this is fine and would be their expectation so it's not like I'm being unreasonable to at least wonder about that.

I honestly don't see how asking a young adult to play a game once over Christmas for 30mins or whatever with us all to make a visiting child feel welcome is so bad.

Yes actually I might well ask similar of it were a family friend's dc.

It was not entertaining him, it was sitting with us all for 30minutes to do an activity/game.

Sort op no I wouldn't have played with a random ten year old at twenty.

So your son has had this dp in his life less than a year? And is expected to have Xmas with him and his son? Yeah, no thanks I wouldn't have done this to my son's at any age. It sounds like he came home to find his home is no longer his own.

'@InSpainTheRain · 24/12/2024 22:56

He's 20! He needs to li**ve his life, he has zero obligation to be with the 10 year old. It would be nice if it happened but I wouldn't expect it to and certainly wouldn't ask for it or push for it.'

Exactly.

Your son is not a child, he is a grown adult and it is bizarre to expect him to spend time playing with a 10 year old he is not even related to...

Fair enough. That's why I'm genuinely asking.

When I was growing up if a familty came over, we might well have got some game out and all played. Not sure why it's such a huge ask. I am not from the UK though originally so maybe that's why it is different.

Grown adults don't play with unrelated children would be the default in Ireland and UK.

Super interesting that I might be biased culturally. I am from Germany and I don't always see these things even now decades on here.

We do the same in our family. My nieces and nephews who are teens are happy to join in the games for older kids and toddlers. It’s called being family! I absolutely would have played with with a 10 year old at age 20. I used to baby sit then too.

It’s called being family!

But they aren't a family. This is his mum's boyfriend who moved in a year ago, when DS was already away at uni.

When I was in my teens, we'd visit family once a year, and I'd happily play with my cousin's children. I would have been 16, and at least 2 were 10 years younger than me, some even younger. I didn't think anything of it to be honest. In this situation, the 10 year old isn't related to the 20 year old and they barely know each other, due to the older one being away at university and not being in each others lives long. I think you need to ask yourself what are your expectations? Are you wanting to try and build a relationship/bond between the 2 sons? Would you be happy if your son was polite/friendly towards your partner's son, but the relationship didn't go beyond that? What is it that you are wanting to achieve? It sounds to me, what you expect from your son, is not on his radar! Your partner seems to feel that because he's helped your son, that your son should therefore make more of an effort with his son. I understand where you are coming from - making an effort, even for half an hour isn't a huge ask. On the other hand, your son is an adult, barely knows the child and isn't really very interested in him. He doesn't dislike him, he's polite but doesn't want to sit and play happy families with him either. I think all you can do is ask your son, tell him it's for half an hour but ultimately if he's got other plans or doesn't want too, you can't force the issue, he's an adult!

OP, i really feel for your son arriving home to two strangers now in his home.

I cannot imagine how difficult that is for him and it is not something most parents would do out of consideration and respect for their child.

You are making huge and incorrect assumptions!

It isn't family, the ten year old is a stranger to the 20 years old! Comparing nephews isn't comparable.

But then it sounds like a good way to get to know them?
My kids hardly ever see some of their cousins due to distance. They can practically be strangers.
If it’s their mums partners kid wouldn’t it be nice to break the ice.

Quite simply no. I would and so have no interest in my father's girlfriends child @fashionqueen0123 . Instill don't have any interest twenty years later 🤷‍♀️

Well as they’re living together that would be a massive shame and pretty anti social. They may be family for years to come.

And 🤷‍♀️. I would expect the 20 year old will do what I did simply not going back and invite the parent on her own to meet.

Many 20 year olds come back and live with their parents after uni now as they can’t afford to go anywhere else. They may be living with this child for years or spending lots of time with them at family gatherings etc
In ten years time the gap will be a lot smaller they’ll both be adults. Maybe they’ll be friends.

I think you have watched too much Brady bunch 🤣.

He goes to uni comes back and his Xmas is hijacked and there's a kid in his home. I would imagine that would spur him on to sorting himself out.

If it was your child and he’d grown the last ten years from a 10 year old to a 20 year old I assume he’d probably be a bit more willing to do something for their own sibling that he’d physically seen grow up and bonded with but to force an adult to sit with you and play games is ridiculous. I’ve got an 11 year old step son sort of and I don’t expect him to pay with our 3 year old for anything longer than 10 minutes and that would be a game of throwing a ball or hide and seek something he will see his little sister laugh at or something he can do to make her laugh and that’s enough. He hasn’t spent the last 10 years bonding with the child so I highly doubt he’s that interested

They don't have to do joint activities! If I was your son I'd be straight off down the pub with my mates. Then I'd be saving for a flat share.

Playing a game together as a family is not a big expectation. When I go to a friends house we (potentially) may all play a game for half an hour- your son is being selfish. He's not being asked to babysit, but juts to be a bit social for a very brief period of time.

It's no comparison though - cousins will always be cousins. This is just his mum's current partner's child. I was always polite to my mum's partners' kids but wouldn't bother getting to know them to well as who knows how many Christmases they'll be around for.