Petty Polly

[GlassCaseOfEmotions]

At the end of my tether with my DP's ExW!

Consistently, she messes around with pick up/ drop off times and pretty much just does whatever suits her! Won't unlock or answer the door/ phone when DSS's are dropped off on time to her, which has often meant we have to drive them back to our home and rearrange our day. I'm lucky my employer is very flexible, but there have been times I need to be at a meeting over 3 hours away and then can't attend.

Anyway, I've had enough of it. I've had enough of everyone dancing to her tune. I've had to rearrange my plans (work/ family commitments/ activities/ time with DP) to suit her on too many occasions, and there is never a consequence for her except DP giving her a bollocking.

DP and I have always made sure we are on time or slightly early (not a phonecall when we are outside her house a hour early with no prior communication. But 10/15 minutes early and let her/ DSS know there's no rush).

So, next handover day is me doing pick up. Petty Polly in me is going to turn up whenever I feel like it. It won't change anything, she will still do what she likes, but it'll at least make me feel better that she's been negatively impacted for once.

Maybe, but it'll make me feel better this once 😊

Mumsnet rules are that you are to love and care for DSC and provide for them, but you aren't to act like their parent or even speak poorly of their actual parents. You're to make them part of your life and family, but never change arrangements for them or treat them like family. You are not to dance to ExP's tune, but you must make their life easier at all times.

It's a very confusing place 🤣

There probably is some kind of service like that, but it would be DP having to pay for it. We do have family we could turn to, but I personally wouldn't find it fair to impact on even more people's days.

A lot of the step parents on MN have a different approach to you and don’t really view their SC as part of the family, and definitely not as their responsibility. You sound like a wonderful wife and SM though so I hope you can get something sorted out.

It does seem that the only way to get through to her will be to show her just how inconvenient it is when she doesn’t stick to plans.

I agree, and if it works for them then happy days! I tried it and it made us all miserable. The way I see it is; you are an adult in that child's life. Whether that is a grandparent, step parent, aunt/ uncle etc doesn't matter. You have responsibility for them.

As a parent myself, I also consider how I would feel if DP and I split and he met someone else. Would I want them to be a positive influence in my DC's life, or would I want them to not give a shit? I know which is more damaging to a child.

I know she will never change, and that is something we have to deal with as and when. But it'll still give me some satisfaction for her to be messed about for once!

Some ridiculous comments. When you are with someone with a kid or kids you become a team and treat them as family, including taking care of them.
Good luck op

That's not compulsory though. Some people choose not to do it that way for their own sanity.

Thank you.

Don't forget, MN rules are to be a 3rd parent and treat the kids like family but from a considerable distance and to keep living your own life as if they don't exist.

And some of us choose to do it to protect our own sanity.

Can you arrange it so that you drop off at breakfast club/ school and she picks them up from school? That way at least you have a guaranteed time to stop them off.

Sorry OP but your sanity doesn't sound very well protected to me when you're dancing to the ex's tune all the time.

Does your older DSS not have a key to his mum's house? If she's not answering the door (but is at home) then surely a key would help?

My sons are 14 and 11 and both have house keys.

Yes we could. The issue with that is that she would never contribute to the costs, so it would fall on DP.

To be honest, school days aren't an issue 99% of the time as we either drop off/pick up from school and have no contact at all with her. Term time is a breeze, actually! It's more around school holidays/ sick days (if they fall on handover day)/ inset days etc.

We don’t talk about how not giving a shit is damaging to the child 😉

I was referring to how the children are treated and viewed by me, in response to your reply to a PP about SC becoming part of your life and care when you are in a relationship with a parent.

Keep up.

I'd hit her where it hurts.

Message her saying that due to her being so unreliable you will be returning the DSC to your home.
They will remain with you and you will be following the correct channels to ensure they're properly financially supported.

I'd text her saying you're dropping the children to social services if you can't be home on time - I have a job and can't mess around

Yes oldest DSS does have a key for her house. ExW puts the bolts on the door or leaves her key in the other side (I hope just because it's what she does when locking up!), so DSS can't get in regardless.

I was referring to how the children are treated and viewed by me, in response to your reply to a PP about SC becoming part of your life and care when you are in a relationship with a parent.

Yeah, I know you were. You're spectacularly missing my point.

As much as I would love to do that, if I did then she could have me arrested for kidnap. I don't have PR for DSS's.

DP could do that, and I've suggested it a fair few times!

Then perhaps make it instead of being kryptic?

PP said that SK's become part of your family when you get in a relationship with a parent. You stated that wasn't compulsory and people choose not to do it to protect their sanity. I said that I chose to treat them like family to protect my sanity.

I'm not sure what point I'm missing? Unless you're suggesting putting up with their mums BS is part of the package when viewing SK's as family?!

The point is that she is home, just refuses to answer the phone/ door.

Also, I'd never subject DSS's to social services unless there were serious safeguarding concerns. I've been there as a child, and it isn't pleasant.

Goodness me, MN really is the definition of contradictory!

Because I care about DSS's, I'm a martyr and far too involved.

And yet when I was in the trenches previously and said I wasn't doing it any more and it wasn't my issue, I was told I shouldn't be in their lives if I didn't care and that I was a terrible person.

Anyway, I wasn't asking for any advice or opinions here. They're welcome, but not necessary. I will inconvenience her, and then the saga will continue.

I hope Santa brings me a voodoo doll 🙏🏻🤣

@GlassCaseOfEmotions just holler through the letter box and bash on the door/doorbell - she's running rings around you

You absoltuly could without a doubt go home. That's not kidnapping in the slightest.
Take them home and get him to message.

Believe me, I've done it all! I've even sat outside her house with my hand on the horn for a fair while, until the immediate neighbour came out and the kids went in to the neighbours house. Thought the embarrassment might give her a kick up the arse. There was a point in time I even considered a brick through the window... She doesn't change because she doesn't care.

But when she can't go to work because no one has picked the kids up on time, at least I will feel a little satisfaction knowing how infuriated she will be and that she can do nothing about it.

She can't call or text me (she's blocked) and I won't be home.