Petty Polly

[GlassCaseOfEmotions]

At the end of my tether with my DP's ExW!

Consistently, she messes around with pick up/ drop off times and pretty much just does whatever suits her! Won't unlock or answer the door/ phone when DSS's are dropped off on time to her, which has often meant we have to drive them back to our home and rearrange our day. I'm lucky my employer is very flexible, but there have been times I need to be at a meeting over 3 hours away and then can't attend.

Anyway, I've had enough of it. I've had enough of everyone dancing to her tune. I've had to rearrange my plans (work/ family commitments/ activities/ time with DP) to suit her on too many occasions, and there is never a consequence for her except DP giving her a bollocking.

DP and I have always made sure we are on time or slightly early (not a phonecall when we are outside her house a hour early with no prior communication. But 10/15 minutes early and let her/ DSS know there's no rush).

So, next handover day is me doing pick up. Petty Polly in me is going to turn up whenever I feel like it. It won't change anything, she will still do what she likes, but it'll at least make me feel better that she's been negatively impacted for once.

Why are rearranging your work days around SCs mum being flakey? I bet that if your partner was the one inconvenienced he would have nipped this in the bud long ago....

Where do you suggest they go if DP is at work and ExW won't answer the door? I could leave them in the shed at hers I suppose...

Your DP needs to deal with his own drop offs/collection of children.

Problem solved.

Not your issue to deal with.

Oh, and DP is often inconvenienced by her. But what can he do? She has previously stopped contact, or gone off the rails when he's tried to sort it before.

@aloha0 it's all very well saying that but not every job/employer is flexible so if their dad has to go to work - he has to go to work!
How old are they @GlassCaseOfEmotions ? Are they old enough to be home alone when both you and their dad are working?
Could they live with you full time and if their mum wants to see them then she will have to come pick up from yours.

Well, it is. They're my DSS. They live with us over 50% of the time.

Sorry but I'd make it a him problem. Life's too short for being fucked around like that when they're not even your children. She's taking the piss because she can.

You sound a lovely caring stepmother btw. I completely get that it does affect you are you are a team and it's lovely to read I'm not the only one with this approach!

How old is DSS, I would assume that contact is never happening and she can pick up and drop off from yours and if you're in you're in. Basically drop the rope.

Their dad works full time, in an establishment, and is often not contactable as can't have his phone at work. I WFH other than 1 day a month in the office and any travel for meetings, which are arranged by me to suit our family schedule.

1 is old enough to be on his own for a few hours (early teens). The other is still in 1st school and can't be trusted to run a tap (literally!) so wouldn't be fair on older DSS to look after him. In fact, it probably wouldn't be safe!

We have offered this previously. ExW says no because she would miss them too much and would be financially worse off (yes, really!). We have said she can keep CB and we wouldn't claim CM (we pay for everything now, minus bills and food at her house, that they need anyway and live comfortably). She has stuck to the fact she would miss them, but when we have previously been on holiday for a week or 2 she hasn't even text to ask how they are 🙄

It is his problem, I'm not sure where you got the impression it isn't?

Perhaps every time you go there and she doesn’t answer the door you should call the police to do a welfare check! Without the kids hearing of course

@GlassCaseOfEmotions because it sounds like you're the one who's doing all the running around, not him. Therefore it's your problem.

Probably from the bits where you wrote you've chosen to rearrange your day to day activities/meetings due to your boyfriends ex, and seem annoyed by her 🤷‍♀️

I do my best, thank you!

There is no point being with someone who has kids if you aren't a team. May as well not be together if you're going to live separate lives?

It doesn't matter who is physically doing pick ups/ drop offs. It will always effect both of us, as there is a knock on effect to each person.

I tried the 'not my kids, not my issue' approach for a long time and it made us all thoroughly miserable. I felt like I lived with strangers, and the relationship with DP and DSS's suffered. We are all much happier now!!

Given my job, I'm not in to wasting police time

Definitely not. He does the majority, I do my bit.

@GlassCaseOfEmotions she does sound a total pain 🙁
Do you keep a record of every time it happens? Because if you did go for full custody it could be used as evidence.

Sorry but you are being a martyr. Back away.. Dh can manage his own dc. Bet his ex won't let you do any actual parenting? Unless you have the same 'powers' as dh and her stand well clear.... Risking your job is bonkers... That's up to dh surely? If she thought her dc would be going without if he got the sack she would up her attitude..

What do you propose I do with the children when it happens then?

Of course I'm annoyed by her. Should I not be?

Their father can sort whatever issue arises. I would never take on anger about other people's problems, it's not my place or any of my business.

Given you have tried everything under the sun it sounds like maybe you need to accept it and stop letting it bother you. Tit for tat will escalate the problem and ultimately the children will suffer more than the adults.

The children don't need managing. It's the ExW that's the issue.

ExW is happy to allow me to parent DSS's. In fact, she sings my praises to all her family and the schools.

I'm not risking my job. But is does cause an inconvenience when I have to rearrange meetings because she can't be arsed to parent her kids.

Her attitude will never change. She would be happy to see DP 6ft under. If he's miserable, she's happy.

@GlassCaseOfEmotions you are getting some strange answers.
I get the impression that the Mumsnet rule about step children is that you aren't meant to like them let alone actually be involved with their lives.
Is there an emergency babysitter service where you live or do you have a network of friends/family that can help out when you both have to work?

Annoyance and anger are very different emotions. I get annoyed ExW the same way as I get annoyed at a red light when I'm in a rush.

Not sure how their father can sort an issue out when it is happening if he isn't contactable...