Am I the wicked Stepmother?

[UTB2017]

Hi all,

1.5 years ago I fell in love with a lovely man who has 2 children with his ex partner. One boy (9) and one girl (4), I also have a girl (7) to my ex partner so we are textbook blended family. We both have our retrospective kids 50:50 and we encourage that relationship with the other parent massively.

Now here’s the fun part…my little girl isn’t perfect (as much as we think they are in our eyes) however she is disciplined, she always says her please and thank you’s, she reads before bed and has a bedtime, she puts her plate on the side when she is finished and she generally tidies up after herself when finished playing with toys, the typical parenting stuff you teach your kids. My partners children on the other half I can count on one hand the amount of times they have said please and thank you this year (combined!), their rooms are consistently messy with no thought to tidy after they have finished playing, his 9 year son is still awake at 1030pm and wears nappies and his 4 year old girl cries whenever she doesn’t get what she wants, even when her dad tells her she can’t have something she does it anyway and demands sweets before bed and I don’t think either of them know what a vegetable or fruit is, my partners gives in to his children for an easy life and it’s really getting to me.
I'm consistently burnt out, I work full time like my partner and I clean, wash, iron, sort their clothes out to go back to their mums etc so when I’m asking for him to do the basics such as put his son to bed at a reasonable time I don’t think I’m asking for the world, I’ve even encouraging or nagging as that what it feels like for him to take his son to the doctors to get his bed wetting checked out and make sure it’s not an underlying health condition.

I never thought I was a disciplinarian I always thought I was doing normal parenting stuff and it gets to me as I feel awful for constantly saying stuff about his kids, I don’t want that but if I don’t say it surely I’ll build up resentment? I’m also conscious the kids just see me constantly overwhelmed and think I’m not a nice person :( my little girl also says to me “mummy why do I have to say thank you and they don’t”

When we first got together I had problems with his baby mama as she would still visit his parents with the kids and ask about our relationship, she would message him about things not concerning the kids and she would write cryptic messages on her social media about losing him, she also sent clothes back to our house with poo inside when I complained to my partner she wasn’t returning new clothes that I had bought his kids (£250 out my own money) and he would pass it off as she has mental health problems, so to put it politely we’ve already had one hurdle to get over but now I feel like becoming a blended family is an even bigger hurdle I just don’t know we can get over.

Ive tried talking to him about it but his reply is “you don’t like my kids” or “you have an issue with my kids and that’s not the case at all, I would just like some structure and boundaries in our house so I’m not burnt out or overwhelmed.

Please help, do I put up and shut up, do I keep nagging, what do I do?! I thought it would settle after nearly 2 years but we’re no better or further forward, if anything our relationship is worse as he feels like I’m constantly nagging.

Any comments, good or bad is much appreciated, I honestly won’t be offended if it’s a me problem and I just don’t see it.

You can't successfully parent your daughter, living in the same household as a chaotic parent. You just cannot have two such different systems and think it's gonna turn out OK. It won't. When your daughter is older and his kids are given no boundaries, how on earth can you expect her to respect the boundaries you put in place for her? He won't change. Ditch him. Put your daughter first.

I agree.
This is what I fear happening when my ex threatens to take me to court for 50/50- he'd be just like op's dp.

Op if you blend your family you need to agree shared family values and all stick with them. Manners and chores are basics.

Yabvu for buying and cleaning his children's clothes. Don't be a pick me people pleaser as it just ends up with you being resentful and burnt out. He needs to do everything for his kids.

It's actually so so so annoying how easy it is for separated men to find a free live in maid splitting the bills and doing their chores and chikdcare.

I don't think that's too bad when she's getting used to the change in the short term tbh I've kicked out a man from my bed and sent him to the sofa so that my toddler could come into my bed (no way would I snuggle in bed with a boyfriend there too- boundaries)

You knew him for a year 9 years ago. Your daughter didn't. His kids didn't know you for a year (and you didn't know them).

Basically for all the DC involved they now have someone who they got to meet maybe a handful of times (? How often could you have met them in 6 months of dating) live with them half the week and no choice in the matter. It's not a huge surprise that you've discovered some issues.

It appears you and DP have quite different parenting styles in that you parent and he doesn't. I'm sure he will let you continue to do the grunt work while telling you it's nothing to do with you if you try and suggest he should make any changes because that all rather suits him.

Realistically, you should leave. If you like him as a boyfriend feel free to keep seeing him as one but remove all the children from the equation.

To be chucked out of bed, I’d have dumped then

I don't think he is a nice man and I think you are wasted on him. I also suspect your daughter finds his kids hard to deal with if they are that badly behaved.

This is a 'blended' shit show.

The poor children.