Am I the wicked Stepmother?

[UTB2017]

Hi all,

1.5 years ago I fell in love with a lovely man who has 2 children with his ex partner. One boy (9) and one girl (4), I also have a girl (7) to my ex partner so we are textbook blended family. We both have our retrospective kids 50:50 and we encourage that relationship with the other parent massively.

Now here’s the fun part…my little girl isn’t perfect (as much as we think they are in our eyes) however she is disciplined, she always says her please and thank you’s, she reads before bed and has a bedtime, she puts her plate on the side when she is finished and she generally tidies up after herself when finished playing with toys, the typical parenting stuff you teach your kids. My partners children on the other half I can count on one hand the amount of times they have said please and thank you this year (combined!), their rooms are consistently messy with no thought to tidy after they have finished playing, his 9 year son is still awake at 1030pm and wears nappies and his 4 year old girl cries whenever she doesn’t get what she wants, even when her dad tells her she can’t have something she does it anyway and demands sweets before bed and I don’t think either of them know what a vegetable or fruit is, my partners gives in to his children for an easy life and it’s really getting to me.
I'm consistently burnt out, I work full time like my partner and I clean, wash, iron, sort their clothes out to go back to their mums etc so when I’m asking for him to do the basics such as put his son to bed at a reasonable time I don’t think I’m asking for the world, I’ve even encouraging or nagging as that what it feels like for him to take his son to the doctors to get his bed wetting checked out and make sure it’s not an underlying health condition.

I never thought I was a disciplinarian I always thought I was doing normal parenting stuff and it gets to me as I feel awful for constantly saying stuff about his kids, I don’t want that but if I don’t say it surely I’ll build up resentment? I’m also conscious the kids just see me constantly overwhelmed and think I’m not a nice person :( my little girl also says to me “mummy why do I have to say thank you and they don’t”

When we first got together I had problems with his baby mama as she would still visit his parents with the kids and ask about our relationship, she would message him about things not concerning the kids and she would write cryptic messages on her social media about losing him, she also sent clothes back to our house with poo inside when I complained to my partner she wasn’t returning new clothes that I had bought his kids (£250 out my own money) and he would pass it off as she has mental health problems, so to put it politely we’ve already had one hurdle to get over but now I feel like becoming a blended family is an even bigger hurdle I just don’t know we can get over.

Ive tried talking to him about it but his reply is “you don’t like my kids” or “you have an issue with my kids and that’s not the case at all, I would just like some structure and boundaries in our house so I’m not burnt out or overwhelmed.

Please help, do I put up and shut up, do I keep nagging, what do I do?! I thought it would settle after nearly 2 years but we’re no better or further forward, if anything our relationship is worse as he feels like I’m constantly nagging.

Any comments, good or bad is much appreciated, I honestly won’t be offended if it’s a me problem and I just don’t see it.

Well then, the child's DM is as useless as their Dad. You've put up with far, far too much Op, being kicked out of your bed is not on, he should have moved, not you.
No sensible discussion is even possible when he can't listen, saying you hate my kids is designed to shut you down.
Take your DC and go Op, no good will come of you staying

My comment said for a year 9 years prior, we weren’t together for 9 years, they obviously fell pregnant very quickly, he’s only just turned 9 too, not that I should really have to justify the timings of this as my advice asked for was more centred around step parenting.

Are you slagging off the ghetto?

Your poor kids. All 3 of them. 2 with absolutely useless parents. And 1 with a parent who forces her to live in a shit environment which is to no benefit for her.

Leave, run away fast.
He isn't listening and will never listen, he will continue to play 'Disney dad' your little girl will continue to see the imbalance and you'll run yourself ragged trying to make everything right.

He isn't a lovely man, he is too lazy to properly parent or worry about his children. Cut your losses and stop exposing your little girl to all of this.

Tbh, moving in with someone this soon is always going to end in tears. I’m guessing whilst you were dating, you visited him and saw what his parenting was like, but still decided to move in with him. Your parenting is at polar ends, and unless you both start singing off the same page, things are only going to get worse because you both clearly think your own parenting styles are best. If you don’t want to lose him, you could just move out and continue to see each other in a dating capacity, without blending families.

He’s a shit father that is setting his children up for failure.

Run away. Teach your DD that no man is worth being treated like crap, and that if he’s a shit father he’s no catch.

Put your own daughter first and live separately. I’d really resent my mum or dad if they set up home with someone else and did this to me, making me live with someone else’s children , especially with serious issues.

Unless I'm confusing the timeline it sounds like the two of you moved in together very quickly. Perhaps too quickly?

Get rid.

There's a reason it didn't work out between you first time round, and now there's countless reasons more why it likely never will.

A man who doesn't care enough to get his 9yo child out of nappies, or find out if there's an underlying reason for that, and who doesn't teach his children basic manners, is an absolute loser.

Did he move into your home, vice versa, or did you buy together?

@Janpoppy really nailed it. You can't change him and the little progress you've mentioned isn't really going to fix this.
He has a fundamentally different approach to parenting and this is pretty dysfunctional for your DD.
So put her and you first. Continue the relationship by all means but not in the same house. He can parent how he wants and you can parent how you want. Apart.

You need to leave or unblend the families. My partners kids would trash the house and were horrible to my kids. After a serious incident I literally locked the kids out and left them on the front steps while I took my son to the hospital. I sent DP a text telling him where to find his kids, and that they won’t step foot inside my house again. And they haven’t. He rents another place to have access with his kids.

You don’t have to live like that. If you really love him just live separately.

when I complained to my partner she wasn’t returning new clothes that I had bought his kids (£250 out my own money)

I know this isnt the point of your thread but this really stood out to me. If your buying the children clothes, their the childrens. Wherever they may be,

My dad used to buy me things and then not let me take it home with me, as an adult I find it really bizarre

Do you actually already live with this current boyfriend? You have implied it I think. This is such a bad situation you are inflicting on your daughter. Grow up and don't move randoms in so soon.

He is a shit dad. And partner.

when I first moved in when his little girl woke during the night he would kick me out the bed so she could get in at 1 in the morning and I would have to go and sleep in her bed for the rest of the night, this went on for about 2-3 months.

This cannot possibly make you happy? Please save your daughter from this horrible situation. She must be so unhappy being forced into this situation with these awful people. And stop spending your money on those kids, save it for your daughter.

Sorry to say I agree. Consistency is key for children and lack of ot will damage the relationship with your own, as they share a home whee children treated differently. He is training his D to manipulate him, she will skill up as she grows. Look into dinner dad and mini wife. I think that is what you are dealing with.

So you were together previously and obviously split up for a reason. I can see why.

Did you not observe his shitty patenting before you decided to move in with him? This isn't going to get any better. Get your DD out of these and stop being a free maid service for this man.

In an ideal world yes they're the kids clothes and they should be able to take them to whatever house, but you clearly have never been a parent who has to constantly replace clothes and uniforms etc because they all end up at the other house and nothing is ever sent back.

He also apparently has a 9 year old- no wonder the other mother is messed up

The op won't be back as she won't be able to face up to the fact her man is vile and the cause of all 5 of the women and children's problem.

I would be fascinated to know though, what she thinks is lovely about him. I'm going for 'he doesn't hit us.'

Why are you doing this to yourself and your child?
You can't possibly think this is fair to your child that you are burning out.
You are a skivvy aupair and your own poor child is collateral damage.

Whose house is it?

If yours, give him notice.
If his, start making arrangements to leave.
I feel so sorry for your child.
They deserve better and so do you.
This will NEVER fix itself.
It will only get worse.

This is good advice. Let him parent his kids

I think the adults involved need to centre themselves far far less.

You’ve done the wrong thing by your daughter so far. Do the right thing now.

Did you move in after six months? That’s way too soon. What were you thinking?
what’s with the references to baby mama? Just call her the kids’ mum.
Let him take responsibility for handovers and clothes and stuff. Stop getting so involved.

I have been with my partner 1.5 years, we’ve our own children from previous relationships, moving in together isn’t even a conversation at the moment.
Meeting each other’s children has only happened with the last few months. I’m just a little shocked that you’re living together.
It’s a lot for the children to have to deal with and I have to agree with pp your dps parenting needs work.